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Nothing Personal

1. I light a scented candle in every room. Not because I dislike the smell of his incenses, but because I need my half of this house to smell like me now. Nothing is going to make it easier. Still, it’s a step. And it helps me sleep at night.

2. I move those little notes, the ones I used to treasure, from the front of my fridge to the side. Nearly three months later and I still feel like crying almost every time I look at them. The visible empty space throbs in time with the invisible bullet hole in my two sizes too small heart. So I find a Happy Birthday card from my  best friend and a Merry Christmas card from my dear sister. They are open faced, magnet-ed in their new homes. Fitting the space perfectly. As if nothing else was ever there first. The source of my agony slowly becomes nothing but a dream.   

3. Anytime I listen to the White Stripes I blast their first album, the self titled one. Even when I’d rather jam to Get Behind me Satan. It’s my other favorite. Or it was. My Doorbell conjures an image of him playing the air drums and singing along with his special brand of goofy confidence. That was one of the last songs we played before he put on something slower. Before he playfully said “I’m gonna teach you how to dip.” Before an entire record of smooth, slow dancing. And everything that came after. The air drumming was adorable. Probably one of the last things I’ll get over. I peeked and smiled a small one. How could I not? I thought I was sneaky enough. Maybe he didn’t notice me noticing? He did though. He knew everything before I knew anything. He knew the whole time. 

I could skip My Doorbell. It doesn’t help. The image of him invades no matter what. Even if I never see anything like it again, I hope he maintains this demeanor. It’s one of the few things I want to think of when I think of him. When I can think of him again. Us as friends. If we ever were. 

 4. I can’t read much Rimbaud. Or any of our other shared favorites. I spend immeasurable amounts of time in the stacks of libraries and the aisles of bookstores. I discover voices that are new to me. Much of it I think he’d like. Sometimes I wonder uselessly. Almost to the point of no return. Then I’m in the shared entryway and one of the books is in my hand. It hovers, apart from me, above the hall table. Could anything possessed be up to any good? I think not and so I snap out of it.  retreat quickly, back to my space. As if he could have seen me. As if he’s ever around. 

5. I don’t text anymore. He has to send the first text. This means we don’t talk, not really. Maybe a little chat here or there. I’m not bitter or trying to ghost. Disappearing acts (fueled by indecisiveness) were more his thing than mine. I simply don’t have the strength or the words. So I’m quiet. Trying to get by without opening more wounds. If that means we become strangers I truly am sorry. Still feeling the loss of this limb, I prepare to live without another.

Everything leading up to this was me. Naive, clueless me. As is everything that comes after. It’s not him, it’s me. I try to keep a low profile around here.. just for the time being. Though I’m sure some of the changes are noticeable day to day. We do what we have to do in order to survive. So that one day I might come back to life. That’s what it means to grow up. It’s nothing personal.

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Oh, it’s alright.

My sister has her own live radio show. It’s one of the extra curriculars she participates in on her college campus. I can’t give too many more details, just for the sake of my anonymity. It’s a great show! And I’m so very proud of her. I try to listen when I can but I don’t always get to. It airs on the weekends, which can be busy for me after I work fifty ish hours throughout the week. 

Her theme changes week to week. The last one, so help me, was “love songs.” I put in a request the day before her show was to air for “sit next to me” by Foster the People. Not the original, the new reworked version. I’ve always enjoyed the original. It’s dance able, while being thoughtful in it’s own way. If you slow down for a minute, listen to the lyrics, and meditate on them, you’ll see that it’s a totally underrated song. The rework takes these deeper, more thoughtful themes and expands upon them in such a beautiful way. 

I sent my sister a link to this version and less than a minute later she had already formed a hard opinion. 

“He just wants me to sit next to him”

“Now he wants to take me home?”

“I don’t think he loves me”

Then one minute later she sent a couple more texts.

“It’s a jam”

“But not what I’d call a love song”

She’s a music person too. I know she is! How could she not get it? I sat there lost in my head for a few minutes. Cell phone still open. Whether or not she played the song didn’t matter. It’s her two hours and I respect that. Her decisions are fine by me. For whatever reason, I just needed her to hear what I was hearing. 

“Idk... there are deeper themes/meanings to explore here. I’ve always thought that. The rework highlights it nicely. He keeps sadly saying “it’s alright.” I think he *might* love her but for whatever reasons he’s settling. So it’s not a song about two people being annoyingly, unrealistically, stupidly in love. But you shouldn’t dismiss it so quickly and say it’s definitely not a love song.”

My sister didn’t play the song. It’s fine by me. That’s not why I’m putting all of this out there.

After I sent my pathetic text of a rebuttal I stared down at my phone for a second in disbelief. I felt. I cared. Even if it was just about a song. Weeks and months after drifting through everything... there I was. I had imagined a moment like that to be overwhelming. It wasn’t, not really. It snuck up on me and I wasn’t sure how I felt. About feeling things again. If that makes sense. I’m still puzzling it out. First I need to accomplish some of my goals. I need some more time to chill in my apartment, and only leave for work. I need to learn how to live again. I need to trust myself enough to. I need to become a smarter, more trustworthy person who knows how to listen to her head. 

So... first things first. Those things will come. Now I know that I’m still capable of caring. I’m still able to look out the window and see colors. Maybe I’ll rediscover more of these things when I’m ready. It does help to know that. 

There is hope.

Cheesy. But real. 

That’s what I wanted to share. Hope is one of the few things that are real. It will never give up on you. So don’t give up on yourself.

Goodnight friends. Sending love and positivity. Always. 

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Things I like about myself

To be honest... I could probably find ten plus things to list here. Even on a less than good day! Not because I’m a narcissist (although two of my favorite people are), just because I like myself well enough to be healthy. But still... I don’t want to brag too much. It makes me feel uncomfortable, so I’m going to settle for a top five list on this topic.

1. Sometimes when I laugh with my whole body. From my head to my toes.

Apparently anything that elicits a real laugh from me also triggers a full body reaction. I didn’t even know this was a thing until this one day just a couple months ago when I was watching Rick & Morty with a longtime friend. Suddenly I was self conscious and wondered if he noticed. What if he did? What did he think of it? This had to be why he’d never like me as more than a f*ck buddy. Right? I tried to catch myself but found that it wasn’t something I could turn off. I’ve thought about that moment a few times since and eventually decided that it was okay. And here I am now, saying that I actually like it. How did I not notice that for the first twenty three years of my life? Maybe I need to laugh more. I’m not saying I always like my laugh. If I’ve been drinking a little snort will come out here and there if I think something is especially funny. I don’t know if I’ll ever appreciate that... but I don’t mind my outrageous full body laugh. It serves as a metaphor for (my) life. I’ve never been afraid to take something, run with it, and dive all the way in. Into the deep end. It can get me into trouble if I don’t look before I leap... but I’m still learning. And that’s something I wouldn’t ever want to change. Just like I’m not afraid to let loose and laugh with all I’ve got.

2. My Legs

I’m lucky to have long legs that have remained... how do I say this? Curvy? Shapely? Sexy? Even with all of the weight I’ve lost this year. While that part of me is something I can play up whenever I go out my favorite thing about them is their strength. They’re solid. Like oak trees! It’s important to feel strong. In some way.

3. My house

The apartment I rent in is the upstairs part of this beautiful old house, in the good part of town. The deal I got on it was so unbelievable that at first I was skeptical. Something had to be wrong with it. Nope! The landlord lives out of town and doesn’t know that he could be charging a lot more. I moved in two years ago and have been happy here ever since. The person who lives in the downstairs apartment quickly became a good friend. We share a front porch, a sizable backyard, and a fire pit. I looked at a lot of places before I finally settled on this one. It may be a small two bedroom apartment but it feels more homey than any of the overpriced units I viewed in *squidville type places. I like to host people often, I’m proud of this space, and I work hard in my “free time” to keep it clean.

4. I keep it classy. Always.

On the inside I’m a bad b*tch who doesn’t take any sh*t. Excuse my f*cking language. You’d never know it from my social media activity. Or if you only ever saw me at work. This should be a no brainer but in today’s day and age it’s understated. 

5.  Style

My personal stylist describes it as “rockstar.” I mainly wear black, with some other dark colors. Neutral tones and earth tones are good too. As long as it’s something dark and dramatic I’m happy with it. The first thing I communicate through my outfit choices is that I take myself seriously and you should too. 

*squidville is a Spongebob reference.

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On Repeat

1. AM- Arctic Monkeys

2. The Weeknd- Acquainted (Beauty Behind the Madness)

I know I'd rather be complacent But girl I'm so glad we're acquainted

3. Halsey- Coming Down (Badlands)

Every single night pray the sun will rise Every single time make a compromise

I'm such a fool for sacrifice

I'm such a fool to pay this price

4. Pvris- You and I (White Noise)

Can we meet in the middle?

5. The Killers- Mr. Brightside (Hot Fuss)

Gotta gotta be down Because I want it all

6. Break Up Every Night- The Chainsmokers (Memories... Do Not Open)

And I know you say you want it now  Give me the runaround 

Don't wanna wait until she finally decides to feel it

7. Yellow Light- Of Monsters and Men (My Head is an Animal)

Just follow my yellow light And ignore all those big warning signs

8. Honeymoon- Lana Del Rey 

9. Blindness- Metric (Fantasies)

I was a blind fool, never complained

Got us a battle, leave it up to me

10. Camera- Young the Giant (Mind Over Matter)

On holiday With a broken camera And all I say Is "I could be happier" I could be happier

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Instagram stalking the other woman

1. How old is she? How much older than me?

2. What does she do? Is she successful?

3. Is she as stupid as every other girl who’s his type? Fingers crossed. 

4. Has she waited for seven months? Two years? Or longer?

5. What do they even have in common? 

6. Why did I waste two hours of my life on this?

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A (half) day in the life

1. Listened to Of Monsters and Men on the drive home from work. 

My beating heart wanted more But I'll keep it in and keep you out I'm drowning, I'm drowning

2. Household Errands/Chores... because living alone isn’t all fun and games. 

-Watered the plants

-Fed the cat

-Washed some dishes

3. Sat down and inhaled pages 1-237 of a book. 

It’s been months since I’ve been able to lose myself that easily. For the longest time I couldn’t get into a book no matter how much I wanted to or how hard I tried. This was nice! Unexpected too, so I went with it. 

4. Invited an old friend over to my place, and made plans for tomorrow evening.

I had another dear friend over last night and we noticed that it’s starting to get cold after sunset. Summer is ending. Already! Whenever I think about this I want to call everyone in my phone, invite them over, and show off my back deck. While I still can. 

5. Poured myself half a glass of iced coffee. 

One word: LIFEBLOOD! 

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Intro

Hey guys,

This first post is going to be a little bit about me and a little bit of other random stuff thrown in there. I would actually consider it #0 or #0.5 rather than a #1. But that’s okay! It will give you an idea for what this page is going to be about, what you think of my voice (so far), and whether or not you might want to hit that follow button. 

I’m at an awkward place in life. Who isn’t? Growing up is weird! I’ll be twenty two in a couple months from now. Early September. I wish to remain anonymous for several reasons, so I’m not going to be too specific about the exact date of this impending birthday. Anytime I’m vague about something it’s to protect the identities of myself and my people.

As for my people, I only have a couple. Sure I have lots of acquaintances and would definitely consider myself to be a friend of most of their friends. But as for my main people I only have three or four. My sister is one. Maybe it sounds pathetic but I truly am happiest this way. A very close friend of mine is probably moving in the near future. Another close friend is kind of… maybe becoming more than that. I would be the last to know. It’s complicated. Cliched too. Cliched as the term “it’s complicated.” He’ll probably break my heart again. Deep down I know that we’ll always be friends. But what if the closeness between us turns into something different? Or something Lesser?  

So I’ve decided that I need to meet some new people or at least try. Stuff like this is hard for those who have social anxiety or are just antisocial in general. A former coworker about my age posted something on Fakebook about a day trip she might take two weeks from today. I messaged her, offering to help drive and she was actually excited about it. The only sad thing about all of this is how accomplished I feel right now. Somebody give me a gold star!

This blog will consist of at least one post similar to this format/length per week, plus a couple bonus posts. The extra posts will probably be in list format! List making is one of my favorite things. I do it as a prewriting exercise and also just for fun. When I was younger I had notebooks full of lists. I can’t find any of those notebooks… although I definitely remember filling them. Maybe I had the foresight to use them as kindling. Let’s hope.

My next two posts will be about a surreal summer night and an “oh yes that does happen” moment. The surreal moment isn’t about romance (I’m not usually a cheeseball. Ew.), but it is about impending loss, letting go of uncertainties, and those little things we hold close to us; trying to make them last forever. Did I mention it takes place outside? The other moment I’d like to tease has to do with modern feminism. I can’t give away much more than that. It’s not even one of the major issues, more of a first world problem.

Thanks for reading, feel free to say hi and introduce yourself. Think of one or two important things you would want me and the other readers to know about you.

Signing off,

Sam