fictionally-functional

[fictionally-functional]

In a book I read today that they weren’t “holding” hands but their hands were “kissing” and suddenly I miss his fingers intertwined in mine as he slept beside me while I looked at him. His little snores making him look ever so gentle and I caressed his head, which he didn’t really like but then one day he himself dragged my hand upto his hair and when I asked “what changed?” He said, “you like it.”

When I cried he held me for a while until he couldn’t so he would make dumb jokes just to get me to stop being a mess and I would want to yell at him to just hold me until it ends but I didn’t because we’re both different people, me, who wants people to feel comfortable enough to cry with me and him, who can’t see me crying. (Or so I think)

I remember telling him I’m tired of trying, I want to give up on people, I’m tired of always being the one making efforts and he fought with me just so I would stop.

I acted like a kid when he tried to help someone else and told him to stay away from them but he came back saying “but I’m all in for you” and I swear it was all good but then the distance happened and I hate all of it but most of it I hate that I had known this would happen, he hasn’t slipped but away except in my mind he has. He hasn’t stopped putting in efforts except in my mind he has.

[fictionally-functional]

In the midst of a gut-wrenching argument While the tears were threatening to fall down I didn’t know what to do My heart pacing in my chest Cheeks burning from god knows what A few words dared to spill out of my mouth “I FUCKING LOVED YOU GODDAMNIT” Loved… I was scared to death But it was done It was out there And I couldn’t possibly take it back And I hated myself for saying it Fuck I hated myself for even knowing this I loved him, past tense It was over All that was left were the ashes of my burnt down self that was crazily in love with him That waited for him To text back, to call first To notice me, to look at no one else BUT me But he never did And I was done feeling this This suffocation, this rage, this grief I was drowning in the feelings I didn’t know could possibly exist to this extent And like I said I hated myself for it I hated every second of loving him Even when I smiled, I knew something was going to happen Something that would make me cry throughout the night And as much as I would love to tell him now that I “LOVE” him It’s not true anymore Now that he calls me Notices me Worships me Tells me he loves me As much as I want to say it back I can’t Because… I don’t Why? Because on those nights when I was crying for him he was all over someone else And now that he’s done with those crazy nights Those dopamine rushes Now that he wants stability He’s back here Spending the nights in my arms And I hate it Hate the fact that this is the last thing I want And hate the fact that he’s the last person I want But as much as I hate it I’m glad I’m over it Because I want him to hurt Just as much As I did On those nights when he was so rude even though he said “he didn’t mean to” On those nights when I heard all his words only to hear he’s too tired to talk when I needed someone And when he’d make plans with everyone but me And talk about his life with everyone but me And I’d have to hear about it from others I hated it Every second of it And now that I’m looking back at it I’m glad I said it Yes, I LOVED you And you lost it You lost me Because mine was always too much And yours was never enough

[fictionally-functional]

And just when I think everything is becoming right again, that I’m becoming whole and I have people who love me and support me through shit I would have never expected them to, something happens. Something that changes the whole dynamic. Something which makes me want to distance again. To leave everyone and run off somewhere no one would ever know. Something which makes me question all that I love and all whom I love.

One thing I’ve understood by now that not all things in your life can ever be right.

Out of “love, friends, family, career” there would always be something haunting you, something fucking you in your head. No matter how hard you try to keep it balanced one of them will eventually fall over which will make the next one proceed next.

[fictionally-functional]

“But it’s not like you love me”

Oh yes sir I so do

“Like and love are different “

Trust me I know it too

Is it like if I get sad when you call without sleeping?

Is it still like if I get upset over you not meeting?

I’ve been in love

For more than a year now

You would never get it tho

Because you’ll keep thinking it’s just like

I want my fingers curled up in your hair

Your breath close to mine

On days when im tired

Life isn’t treating me well lately

I’ve been trying to tell you but I’m not able to

I want to cry in your arms for days and weeks and as long as you can let me stay

Im crying but there are no tears

Dried up wells, my eyes, even they have given up on me

[fictionally-functional]

Shitposting from my notes app #Day1

I want you to put your hands on my head and mess my hair just like you do

Cup my face and wipe my tears then make me smile by zooby doo

Then you whisper in my ears

“We'll get through, it's just a phase"

[fictionally-functional]

That moment when you realise you are not papa ki pari anymore and you do in fact have to deal with the rest of the world on your own🥲

[fictionally-functional]

The mentally unstable urge to be held in someone’s arm as if they are shielding you from all the bad things in the world and then hold them the same way if they ever go wrong in their life

[fictionally-functional]

Hey yall! Anyone has any au ideas? I wanna write something so badly but my brain isnt working😭

[fictionally-functional]

Something about people saying something and genuine meaning it is so intimate. I can't count how many people call me their bestfriend but I know that this one person who I met not so long ago always means it. He confronts me when he doesn't tell me if something has been wrong and expects me to do the same. I guess that's what friendship is?

Laying out your truth with no secrets? And letting other person do the same....

[fictionally-functional]

"Dude! He likes you."

"Dude! He likes you."

My smile broadened as I read the text and I replied "who?" even though I knew exactly whom you were talking about. If I'm being honest, I already had the feeling he did but in front of you I pretended to be clueless.

I opened my picture gallery as your messages kept coming and I went back to the picture that never fails to make me smile. A picture of you and me, smiling at each other. Somewhere in my head I thought "I wish you did too."

I shook my head, laughing at the misery I have put myself in. Grabbing the earphones placed on the bedside table, I lied down on the bed, staring at the ceiling as I let my thoughts wander.

My new favorite album played in the background as Taylor sang, "I wait patiently, he's gonna notice me... It's okay, we're the best of friends, anyway"

[fictionally-functional]

I miss him :(

𝙇𝙤𝙫𝙚♡

Keep reading

[fictionally-functional]

Happy Birthday my love<3

[fictionally-functional]

𝙇𝙤𝙫𝙚♡

Love? And what is it? Is it walking on the buring coal or is it walking on those soaked rose petals? Honestly, I don't really know about it myself. I think that it is equal parts pain and equal parts joy. I wake up everyday to see that one smile in the world, the one that can make me feel better and I would go through all the difficulties all over again just to see him smiling like that. It's weird how much I love him even though I've never even met him but he's the only one whose face can light up my gloomiest days. As much as I feel exhausted and numb, I know that he'll always be there, even when everyone is gone. And I think that is love, when you don't really care about what anyone else thinks about you, when you don't really mind going through harder days because you know that you'll always feel like home when you see his face. Yes, there might be days when you don't see him, when he's resting and you don't know how he is, days where you miss him, days when you might as well be conflicted if loving him was the right decision but you'll always find your way back to him because "there'll be no sunlight, if I lose you baby" ♡

[fictionally-functional]

𝙃𝙞𝙨 𝙚𝙮𝙚𝙡𝙖𝙨𝙝

I stare at him as he speaks to his friends for the nth time. Gosh he's so beautiful, so freaking beautiful. I count it as a privilege that I get to see his face everyday, that I get to hug him, to inhale his scent, everyday. I notice his eyelash clinging to his cheek as he makes a joke that I forcibly laugh to. It's crazy how I pretend to find his jokes funny even though everyone knows they are not. I mean, yes, sometimes they are, but he can definitely be annoying, sometimes. But at this moment, I can't stop looking at it, at the eyelash.

I want to tell him that he should remove it but at the same time I want my hands to reach out to his cheeks and do it for him.

Would that mean I'm crossing the "platonic" limit? I look around to find his friends our friends looking at him as he cracks yet another dad joke. I move my eyes to his eyelashes, so perfect, so delicate. To be honest sometimes I wonder if he's even real, if I really did find him. My eyes move back at the clinging eyelash as my mind once again crosses over the thought of lifting it with my fingers but I'm scared.

I'm scared that what if he finds me too clingy?

What if starts getting a weird feeling from me?

What if he starts acting distant?

So many what if's. So many possibilities. So many doubts.

I hate myself so much at this moment. I guess I'll just let it sit there because if I remove it I'd just end up falling more for him. Falling? I don't even know if this is what it is. Maybe it is just a feeling or maybe I'm just stupid because how can I do this? He's my friend and that's all it is and that's all it will ever be. I hate myself so much in this moment for rethinking this again and again. I hate not knowing what I feel. I hate that I can't stop looking at his face.

As much as I want to remove it, I won't and I won't tell him either because the possibility of only me noticing the eyelash when literally everyone is staring at him would be too uncanny.

I think to myself once again, should I remove that eyelash? I guess I'll just let it be...

[fictionally-functional]

Gosh he's so beautiful, so freaking beautiful. I count it as a privilege that I get to see his face everyday, that I get to hug him, to inhale his scent, everyday.

[fictionally-functional]

Falling? I don't even know if this is what it is. Maybe it is just a feeling or maybe I'm just stupid because how can I do this? He's my friend and that's all it is and that's all it will ever be.

[fictionally-functional]

𝘽𝙚𝙨𝙩 𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙙𝙨, 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙞𝙩?~

His pov: It's such a weird feeling. I know we are just friends but the way they look at me, I swear to god if they looked at someone else like that I'll rip his organs out of him.

"Y/N" I call them again. They keep speaking as they slightly turn their head towards me and then come their eyes. Those pretty eyes that I think I'm falking for, they are so beautiful. I can stare at those eyes for hours. They look at me like I've brought them the entire world. Their lips curl into the smile that I would give everything for.

"Jim?", they say and I realise that I just called their name out, then I realise that I just did it because I wanted to see them looking at me and now I don't know what to tell them. I panic and the only thing that comes to my mind is "You want something to drink?"

They look at me with a confused expression, "You literally just ordered a shake dumbass? I thought we were sharing," they say as they turn their face back to their other friends.

"Of course, obviously!" I whisper to myself as I realise that I could have just lost the chance to share that straw with them...