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This is a space where I’ve always felt more comfortable sharing more personal things. SORRY IN ADVANCE FOR SHOWING MY FACE—I definitely understand that it’s not the typical tumblr thing to show your face on here. ~However~ it is relevant, and also, I didn’t feel 100% comfortable sharing this on my Instagram, because it contains some NSFW stuff.

CW: NSFW

I recently ✨just watched✨ this extremely sexually suggestive (but not ecchi) anime called “Diabolik Lovers”. I don’t really know how to talk about what I want to say without spoiling it, so ⚠️SPOILER WARNING⚠️

Basically, this anime is a bunch of [dominant] vampires who use a [submissive] human girl as a blood bank / to satisfy themselves whenever they feel like it. And, to clarify, although it was extremely and sometimes blatantly sexually suggestive, this was not an “ecchi” anime, and the human girl was not messed with sexually really, it was always her blood that they took.

I was incredibly addicted to this anime. I think I really enjoyed the sensual aspect, I think? I’m not 100% sure why I liked the anime so much, and why it was so enjoyable for me, so this post is for me to work out my thoughts.

Picture time: 😊

I’m not really into “biting” and “sucking blood” like a literal vampire, but a fantasy of mine I have always been fond of is kisses. Kisses all over the body, replacing all of those vampire bites. Soft, gentle, low-key teasing, tender, non-painful kisses. Everywhere expect the lips / genitalia. I really, really like that. I think I like it so much that I think this might be something I would enjoy in real life.

Another thing (that wasn’t super impactful as it was in another anime) was consensually unbuttoning the guy’s shirt. Idk what it was about these scenes too, since the girl was lowkey “manipulated” / begged by the “helpless” guy to help unbutton their shirt. Another thing I would fantasize about is someone else unbuttoning my shirt, so that’s why I was confused by how much I enjoyed watching the guys like “begging” the girls to unbutton their shirt for them.

Unbuttoning someone’s shirt is a very intimate thing, in my opinion. First off, you are close to them. You are focusing on the unbuttoning while they are free to focus on watching you. You are showing more of their skin / having very easy access to their skin. It’s just something I know I’ve been fond of in the past fantasizing about. Having consensual “control” over how much skin someone else is showing to me also makes me feel a little bit better as an aegosexual who is easily sex-repulsed, maybe 🤔💭.

Idk. The iamvanosexual label fits me, where I don’t like “giving” pleasure, I only like receiving. And also, “kisses all over the body” are probably more of a sensual thing than a sexual thing. Kisses all over the body (especially lip-stick kisses that “leave a mark”) has been a fantasy I really enjoy. And I would really like doing that to someone. Lowkey sensually torturing and teasing them with those kisses.

It’s just so confusing because I really doubt that I can “stimulate” some to that extent without them wanting sex from / with me, and sex is not something I think I will ever feel comfortable doing in person.

That’s another reason I liked the Diabolik Lovers anime—no matter how sexually suggestive or explicitly kinky it was, it did not ever actually turn sexual.

Idk. I really wanted to talk about this and yeah Instagram did not feel like a safe space for me. Oh! Regarding the picture, that hair dye stain on my neck looked like a kiss-mark! 💋. I don’t think I could ever “enjoy” someone touching (including kissing) my neck (I feel like I’m being choked—my neck is extremely sensitive 😅) so that’s why I think I would really enjoy “torturing” / teasing someone by giving them neck kisses / kissing them in a way that I know I couldn’t handle, so I want to do it to someone else 🤷🏽😈

But yeah I’m also concerned about an allosexual knowing how I feel. I’m still aegosexual and I still get sex-repulsed when stuff happens in real life. I don’t honestly know if I would ever be able to do this stuff I talked about here with another actual human :/ . Maybe but it probably won’t happen lol. I think I’d be ok with that tho lol

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I feel an fp forming

It’s healthy for me to recognize the signs, right? Self-awareness or whatever? 😭

I have decided that I will share my experiences as an educational resource/ for educational purposes. 😌.

I feel “trust” towards this person. I impulsively chose to be a bit honest / lowkey confide sensitive, personal information in them, and they were respectful, nonjudgmental, and supportive. They were kind. We both understand eachother. They have told me they are happy to talk to me. They go out of their way for me.

I think what triggered the fp feelings is they did not let me down / they did not hurt me. I half expected them to respond to me, and they did. They feel like someone I could depend on.

I understand that the fp bond is inherently toxic. I am grateful I am self-aware enough to notice this person starting to become my fp. I really hope we both can continue to respect each other’s boundaries so neither of us ends up hurt. (They do seem to genuinely enjoy and appreciate talking to me, and I don’t want to mess that up by loosing self control / letting any of my bpd symptoms get the better of me)

For context, I do not feel romantic attraction to this person. I do not believe I am experiencing platonic attraction to this person, however I would be very happy if I could continue talking to them. At the same time, I do feel that our values are different, or I am wary of that. I am deeply concerned that, the more I got to know this person, the less I would vibe, however that does not change the fact they have been so kind and so respectful towards me, and openly expressed being happy to talk to me. Regardless of what happens in the future, I will appreciate this moment of delight. 😊

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The artwork is beautiful

🗡You're beautiful🐉

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Weird realization.

So I’m lithromantic. Being in [romantic] relationships is traumatizing for me. I’m aegosexual. Putting myself in a real-life sexual situation with another person is incredibly uncomfortable for me. I’m caedplatonic. I don’t really experience platonic attraction to people. Regarding my aesthetic and sensual attraction… I only feel aesthetic attraction to people I basically [idoloize], and I do not feel sensual attraction to ableist people. I think I struggle to feel sensual attraction, honestly.

If you notice, I don’t really have the types of attractions most “allos” have. I in general, don’t really have any kind of “attraction” to other people. I also have a personality disorder, so if I do feel “attraction” (that I am capable of feeling) towards someone, it is usually pretty intense. Also, I don’t really “have” anyone in my life. My friendships usually unfortunately eventually fall apart. It kinda feels I am in an unhealthy and socially dangerous situation by lacking a healthy support system? And also, I don’t really feel a pull towards other in-real-life people? I’ve also been in an autistic burnout for over a year now, so I kinda feel like establishing new connections and maintaining something would be really draining on the minimal executive functioning I do have.

Bottom line is I don’t think I experience “loneliness”, or at least not significantly enough to want to seek out a brand new relationship of some sort? I have also been longing for a snake, however sometimes I have bad days where I feel like I shouldn’t get a snake because I can’t even take care of myself? 😪. Idk it kinda sucks living like this in a perpetual state of not being able to recover from this autistic burnout, or be able to be a functioning member of society, or want to be a participant in society.

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the most important part of transitioning is when you stop trying to just look cis and start trying to look how you want instead

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[Image description: A black silhouette with stars on it in the colors of the recip pride flag, being embraced by hands coming from a swirl made of the recip pride flag]

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Lol

when I tell you I’m OBSESSED

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Seriously can’t believe we’re getting the Barbie movie and the FNAF movie in the same year.

I love this timeline.

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Ohh this is going to be good!

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Adding him to my list of men who have never possessed a singular thought in their lives ever.

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this is how you know this is gonna be one of the greatest movies of all time

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Suicide Squad (2016) dir. David Ayer Barbie (2023) dir. Greta Gerwig

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Guilty of fighting like a cat and a mouse 🐱🐭

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I’ve added my take to the new Barbie Movie OPT trend!

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Sheriff Bronson: Goddamnit, this the 10th time this week!

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Inktober Day 24

Zodiac.

Art belongs to me.

Leo(Fairy Tail) belongs to Hiro Mashima.