fraudiidentity

[fraudiidentity]

[fraudiidentity]

i. midoriya

tw : 𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩, 𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘸𝘢𝘳, 𝘯𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘭 𝘮𝘩𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘧𝘧 𝘪𝘯 𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭 𝘵𝘣𝘩.

" 𝐈 𝐇𝐀𝐃 𝐒𝐎 𝐌𝐔𝐂𝐇 𝐋𝐄𝐅𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐒𝐀𝐘."

Cold.

It's cold.

No matter how many jackets I throw over my body, no matter how many blankets I bury myself underneath, it's still cold.

Ever since the war ended, i've felt cold. The frigid feeling of inadequacy closing in on me like walls of a cramped, claustrophobic room. I feel incomplete, unfulfilled. Everything's over, I saved Tenko, didn't I?

Why do I feel there was still more I could've done? I felt useless in that moment, the split second he was staring at me with a smile. I should've done more. I could've done more. I'm not that useless kid I used to be anymore, I could have crawled deeper through the complicated vehemences of his heart.

But I didn't.

I can't sleep at all, I'm too buried inside of my thoughts to do that. It's all a never ending loop. A loop that feels like it's tearing you apart.

It eats at me. Grabs me by the throat and squeezes me, depriving me of any air I otherwise would've had. It feels like I'm sinking into my bed, like it's swallowing me whole, dragging me down into a never-ending void.

Then I hear my alarm clock. The irritating, deafening sound that's forced me to wake up everyday for a year.

BEEP.

I gasp for air, panting loudly. My head is aching with pain.

BEEP.

it feels like i'm drowning in my thoughts, the lighthearted memories sealed by the thought of Tenko, the only man I failed to save.

BEEP.

Then, I finally wake up. Drenched with a cold sweat, my heart racing like I just ran a marathon. My head's killing me, my eyes are wet with tears. I'm a mess. I'm everything my mother feared I'd become.

I took a deep breath, desperately trying to calm myself down. Over and over like a broken record, I repeated the same thing to myself.

' you're okay. '

again.

' you're okay. '

again.

' you're oka– '

A brief knock on the door.

"Deku? Is everything alright?"

My head shot up, I recognized the voice almost immediately. I threw off my blanket, shivering at the frosty atmosphere of my room. Shakily getting out of bed, I walked over to the door, grabbing the doorknob.

My hands are too sweaty. I can't turn it. Fuck.

"Can you open up the door?"

Give me a fucking second, I'm trying.

I took another deep breath, wiping my tears and trying to look at least a little presentable. I grabbed the doorknob again, slowly turning it.

"..."

"Hi, Uraraka."

The words left my lips sloppily, my vision filling up with tiny little dots. I felt woozy.

"is everything okay?"

"yeah, yeah– shit, I just stood up too fast."

"you sure?"

"mhm."

I hummed, rubbing my eyes lazily. I blinked a few times, staring at the round-faced girl with a concerned expression on her face.

"you've been sleeping all day."

"i know."

"..."

"are you sure everything's okay?"

My eye twitched at her persistence. I know I shouldn't be getting upset, but fuck, I already told her I'm okay.

"yes, i'm okay."

I closed the door, shutting my eyes and taking yet another deep breath.

...

Tenko's face flashed in my mind. Seems I can't even blink without the thought of him fucking my mind over. I leaned against the door, a small pang of guilt attacking my heart as I heard retreating footsteps followed with a sigh.

I'm sorry.

I wish I weren't like this. I wish everything were okay again.

I wish things turned out differently.

...

Sometimes the scars I got from that war starts hurting. I can't help but brush my fingers over them, trying to soothe the pain.

I can't help thinking about Tenko, either. No matter what I do, no matter where I go, he lingers in my mind. Like a parasite, slowly eating away at your brain until you go insane. He was right in front of me. He was so close, but I still managed to fuck everything up.

...

"𝐢 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐬𝗼 𝗺𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐥𝐞𝐟𝐭 𝐭𝗼 𝐬𝐚𝐲."

izuqt.

[fraudiidentity]

IM NOT SORRY .

I FUCKING HATE YOU

BUT I LOVE YOU .

IM BAD AT KEEPING MY EMOTIONS BUBBLED .

YOU’RE GOOD AT

BEING PERFECT .

WE’RE GOOD AT BEING TROUBLED .

synopsis

⤷ when izuku takes a moment to reminisce , things seem odd . putting pieces together and remembering advice once given to him , he realizes katsuki was never the person he thought he changed to , and was always the same .

content warning

⤷ angst focused ; hurt / no comfort . manipulation + gaslighting , etc .

other things

⤷ word count : 1.3k

characters : izuku midoriya , katsuki bakugo .

fandom : my hero academia ( mha )

ship : bkdk ( technically one - sided )

izuku sat on his bed , a brown box that has accumulated dust over the past years of sitting in his room now opened and giving the green haired boy a chance to relive his childhood memories .

it brought him chuckles . the way katsuki gave him certain looks in the pictures , man kacchan really used to be rude .

he’s become better at controlling his emotions now though . he could never be the person he used to be with izuku as of now . they’ve been through a lot together and have came a long way .

well , he thinks . he can’t guarantee it . especially when the memories of people talking to him about katsuki floods his thoughts and blocks everything out .

‘ he’s a no good player . ’

no . he’s not like that .

‘ he doesn’t really love you . ’

no . he’s not like that .

‘ this is just another one of his pranks on you . ’

NO . HE’S NOT — . . .

he’s . . he’s not like that .

izuku was lost in the void of his mind . it was hard to go back to reality when he was in a spiral , lost in a rabbit hole . he was stuck , unable to—

“ IZUKU . ”

a familiar voice broke him out the trap that barricaded him to his mental realm .

“ huh ? ”

“ you okay ? you weren’t responding for awhile , it was like you blanked out . ”

“ oh— yeah im fine ! ”

a lie . it was a lie that left izuku’s lips . he wasn’t fine , he was worried . concerned . he never overthought anything anymore, especially not after middle school .

“ right . . anyway do you — ”

“ katsuki . . ”

. . .

the blonde’s face portrayed an expression of shock for a split second before his eyebrows furrowed . izuku never called him by his name . it was either kacchan to bring them back to good times , or it was pet names like ‘baby’ or ‘my love’ .

“ yes ? ”

“ do you love me ? ”

“ yes , of course i do . why do you ask ? ”

“ you’ve never told me you loved me before . everytime i say ‘ i love you ’ , you just respond with ‘ i feel the same way about you . ’ instead of directly saying it . ”

“ how does that mean i don’t love you ? ”

“ i just— ”

“ izuku we cannot keep having this conversation . i told you im bad at expressing myself the way I want to . ”

“ is it that you’re bad at expressing yourself or there’s no feelings to express . ”

“ izuku— ”

“ answer me . ”

“ izuku— ”

“ or is it that hard to admit it— ”

“ IZUKU . ”

silence flooded the room . izuku’s gaze was on the photos he’s close to crumbling , his fist attempting to go against what his mind tells him . meanwhile , katsuki was staring right at izuku , eyes full with annoyance .

“ are you even fucking listening ? how many times do i have to tell you— ”

“ tell me that you love me . ”

. . .

“ what ? ”

“ tell me you love me . say ‘ i love you ’ and this all will be over . ”

“ why the hell do i always have to give you reassurance ? i’ve told you about my problems showing my love for you , and you keep pressuring me to do something i find difficult . it hurts that you don’t have faith in me . ”

izuku sighed , putting the photos back in the box and averting his eyes to his hands that were now folded over his legs .

“ im— ”

“ you know , he’s just manipulating you to stay in the relationship . ”

“ you’re ? ”

“ im— im breaking up with you ! ”

red eyes widened in shock , which quickly became anger . the semi - calm facade that was being held on to was now shattered into miniature pieces of glass .

“ are you fucking serious ?! i give you everything that i can afford to and this is how you repay me ?! you’re such an ungrateful narcissist ! ”

“ listen kacchan im— ”

“ no — no no no ! NO . ”

izuku looked up , and oh how he regretted it . katsuki was becoming frantic with anger . small blood dripped from his hands because of how hard his fists were clenched .

“ you’re just going to leave me here ? by myself ? BECAUSE OF SOMETHING I CAN’T CONTROL ?? ”

his deafening voice echoed through the empty apartment , teeth gritted together . beads of tears formed at katsuki’s eyes , threatening to spill .

“ katsuki what the hell is your problem ?! why can’t you just try and understand how I feel for a second ! ”

izuku yelled back . his voice wasn’t as loud as katsuki’s , but it was on a volume that could help someone understand his anger .

“ izuku .. im sorry , please . i love you .. don’t leave me . ”

his voice now weak , tears streaming down his face . weak in the knees , he got on the floor and looked at izuku with blurry vision as he cried .

“ please izuku ! i love you so much , don’t leave me ! im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry— FUCK PLEASE . DON’T LEAVE ME . ”

he yelled , repeating himself over and over . he was over the edge . it was evident he was basically going insane .

“ you know .. they were right . you never changed . ”

katsuki’s lips trembled , eyes wide . izuku put the box away and grabbed his suitcase .

“ where— where are you going ? ” katsuki asked , panicking .

“ im leaving . ”

izuku walked to his dresser , grabbing some clothes one at a time . katsuki was hyperventilating .

no .

no no no NO . izuku couldn’t leave him . he needed to stay , now .

katsuki immediately wrapped his arms around izuku , tight enough to bruise him . he was being fucking hysterical .

“ bakugo , let me go . ”

“ izuku please .. don’t leave me . im sorry . ”

“ no , we’re over . ”

a flame of anger ignited in katsuki . why wasn’t izuku accepting his apology ? what the hell has gotten into him ? he would always forgive and forget , but for some reason now was different .

“ but— but i said it ! I told you , i love you . ” his arms gripped tighter around izuku .

“ it’s too late . ”

izuku struggled for a moment before breaking free from the shackles that were on him . it caused katsuki to stumble back a bit and fall on the floor , but izuku didn’t care .

if he showed too much emotion , the cycle would fix itself , and he’d be back with katsuki . unable to break free . glued to a person who never loved him .

“ im sorry katsuki , but i must leave . ”

katsuki didn’t reply , nor look at izuku . izuku just continued to pack until he was done . his suitcase was held in his hand as he walked over to the door .

“ im sorry . ”

katsuki muttered , but izuku heard it . he heard it loud and clear in the silence of the night . he stopped mid walk .

“ im sorry for treating you like this , lying to you . not loving you . i never loved you , ever . i hate you even . what people told you was right . im a no good player . im not the right person for you . ”

it fell back to silence again .

“ yet i doubt you’ll love anybody more than you love me . you’ll probably come right back to me , because that’s all you know how to do . you can’t live without me because you are nothing without me . nobody will love you . ” he laughed , getting up and turning to izuku .

their eyes met , for what izuku hoped what would be the last time .

“ shut up. ”

izuku said , voice trembling a little as he swiftly walked out the room and slammed the door . he walked out of the apartment and noticed eyes were on him . everybody heard it , how disgraceful .

people began to laugh , and izuku was about to break down . tears spilled out his eyes quickly . he ran and ran , leaving the apartment complex . he tripped and fell on his knees , crying as it began to drizzle .

life .

this was life .

and he fucking hated it .

he hated how the universe treated him .

he hated his love life .

he hated how much he loved the one who

damaged him .

he hated katsuki .

yet he loved him , and always did.

even though katsuki would never be sorry .