frostygutar

[frostygutar]

How to shorten my thoughts?

How do I condense:

"The topic you are talking about makes me anxious when I hear about it, because every single person I've known to enjoy this thing has been a terrible person to me, and many of them have left permanent mental scars, so even though it has absolutely no relation to the topic, simply hearing about it brings back awful memories, and I would severely appreciate it if you didn't mention it again."

Without using the word Trauma?

...Maybe it is trauma, actually. But I really don't want to sound like a whiny bitch going "hey can you shut up pls you're triggering my ptsd haha thanks" when that isn't what I'm trying to achieve by telling people this.

This is why I try to keep it to myself, but when someone is a repeat offender going into the 5th or so time in a few months, I really feel the need to tell them to stop. But I don't want to, because it will cause problems...

[frostygutar]

:3

I love when someone talks endlessly about something, I engage in conversation with them about it, then I try to talk about it myself sometime, and suddenly they're extremely critical about it and act like they've hated it

Yet another "fuck me in particular" I guess.

[frostygutar]

osu!lazer Charting Rant

I used to chart all the time in osu, but a lot of stuff came up and I stopped. This was in old osu, and since it's been about a year since then, I figured I'd try out charting in osu!lazer to see what it's like. I prefer playing lazer, why not chart in it?

Apparently, the reason to not chart in lazer is that the editor is annoying as shit. First off, song setup was so scuffed that it took me a good 10 minutes to fill out the song details, because I was struggling to figure out how to change the game type to Mania, and when I did finally figure it out, boom, details reset, fuck you, type it again. I could have done that in 2 minutes max in old osu.

But whatever, surely that's just me not being used to change, maybe the actual editing experience is better... Well first off, my eardrums are being absolutely assaulted by the notes I place. Oh, wait, WHAT NOTES???? Placing notes is absolutely atrocious compared to old osu, every note I tried to place either went up or down one spot because of how cramped the lazer editor was by default.

It just feels too damn zoomed out, it's impossible to work with this zoom. So logically, I zoomed in until the grid felt usable. I hit space, and the note on the top of my screen disappeared in a quarter of a second because of how zoomed in I was. Awesome. This is where I closed the editor and started ranting about this here.

I came back to it while typing this, so I can make sure my info is correct, and I've managed to get a zoom that is comfortable to chart in, but now the preview bar thing on the top is WAY too zoomed in, because these are now linked to each other, and the only way to get the top bar at a usable zoom, is to have the note-placing area crammed far beyond being usable. I shouldn't have to choose one or the other, man.

Another thing, the audio balancing is scuffed as hell. Song's too quiet, hitsounds are too loud, no easy way to fix this (as far as I'm aware) without going all the way out of the editor, just to change the volume. And, by complete accident, I discovered the sidebar where you pick normal or hold notes is scrollable. IT DOESN'T SHOW YOU THIS, AT ALL??? I SHOULDN'T FIND THINGS LIKE THIS BY ACCIDENT???

Yet another thing, I don't exactly remember if old osu did this, but in my humble opinion, my position in the song shouldn't jump to every single note I place. That is extremely frustrating, especially when the top bar is unusable, because if it wasn't completely useless now, I would have at least been able to quickly figure out where the hell I got banished to and scroll back, but no, I can barely see one measure ahead or behind me now, that bar might as well just not be there, brilliant.

And because I keep running into things to complain about after I think I'm finished, if you click on the sides of the charting area (the absolutely massive open space on each side of the notes), it places a note. I HAVE TWO MONITORS. I AM CLICKING ONTO THE GAME AFTER TYPING SOMETHING OUT ON MY OTHER MONITOR. STOP PLACING GOD DAMN NOTES THAT I HAVE TO DELETE IMMEDIATELY, CLICKING INTO EMPTY SPACE SHOULD NOT PLACE A NOTE, FUCKING HELL!

I came into this motivated to retry a chart I failed before, and instead I've spent an hour being annoyed at every aspect of this editor, even downloading old osu again (I didn't have it on this pc yet). I am going to give this editor just a little bit more of a chance, but if it does anything else that creates a burning rage in my soul, I am moving straight back to old osu for any charting I ever want to do. This is insane.

I'm going to look for skins that might make charting less painful, I don't know if such a thing exists, but I am praying it does for my sanity. Hopefully I don't feel the need to make a follow-up rant about this.

[frostygutar]

A Pattern

I'm realizing a good portion of my lost friendships are due to the other person randomly becoming emo in some capacity.

The last one used to be innocent and nice, then they became cold, have DND on 24/7 for no real reason (the biggest red flag tbh), and their new obsessions are heavily related to death in some capacity.

Older friends, also went from happy and innocent to cold and mean, most of them suddenly DND 24/7, all of them suddenly losing interest in their actual hobbies and turning to things that could be described as edgy compared to the older ones. Not exactly edgy on its own, but jumping from liking Pokémon and Minecraft, to disliking those and instead loving insanely gorey games, I would call that edgy when compared like that, yeah.

I split apart from my first ever internet friend because they randomly, yet again, became a DND 24/7, coldhearted, "i dont care about anything" kind of person after being so nice before. I always blamed a specific game they got into right when this all started, and I still kind of do, but It's just saddening how common this exact set of conditions is.

Now, not every friendship ends like this. Sometimes I literally just stop tolerating being a doormat to them, and they leave immediately because they refuse to accept the fact that they're being rude as shit for no reason, and would rather blame me and dip instead of facing the problem and apologizing. So fun.

[frostygutar]

Wow this lassted so long

I'm not like, leaving or anything, but damn I genuinley just don't have a single thing to talk about other than my music, but i'm currently going through a music block, so...

Man

[frostygutar]

Rambling

i dont know what the heckle Yume Nikki is, but I am getting exceptionally tired of just about every 5th Roblox game I find being inspired by it. It must be some absolutely insane game if it's overtaken Roblox this much.

The games aren't even bad (most of the time. there was a few i disliked) but dude. oh my god. is every game that isn't generic simulator slop a god damn Yume Nikki fangame ??? WHAT IS YUME NIKKI????

PLEASE HELP ME, WISE TRAVELLER WHO FINDS THIS POST, ENLIGHTEN ME! or like, at least help me understand a little :[

[frostygutar]

(Testing how reblogs look, idk if this will appear above or below the original post)

Update: I got bored like, 30 minutes later. I only raised it up to 1.05 TB, which is nothing, but to be fair, I also cleared up 10~ GB. It's not a massive amount, but it's something damn it!

Fighting for Storage

I'm not even remotely close to running out of storage on my pc. However, I also have an unnecessary amount of files sitting around for absolutely no reason. I counted about 200 GB from very old, untrimmed game clips alone.

The average video file on my pc is 3~ GB, and I only keep them to trim them down to a few seconds (or upload a minute of footage to YouTube) at a later date. Usually I trim them immediately, but sometimes I don't, and then I get lazy, and then I end up reinstalling windows and having 400gb of files I don't need. Lmao.

I've been playing a little game with myself for the past few months, trying to stay over 1 TB of space. Here are the game's rules: Stay over 1 TB of space.

I haven't had much to say on Tumblr lately, so y'know what? I'll provide progress updates here, to my audience of zero. Going to try and get a few videos trimmed today (Mainly the larger ones) so let's see if I get a relevant amount of storage back. I doubt it, considering the second-largest file in the folder I'm tackling was 1.06 GB...

[frostygutar]

Fighting for Storage

I'm not even remotely close to running out of storage on my pc. However, I also have an unnecessary amount of files sitting around for absolutely no reason. I counted about 200 GB from very old, untrimmed game clips alone.

The average video file on my pc is 3~ GB, and I only keep them to trim them down to a few seconds (or upload a minute of footage to YouTube) at a later date. Usually I trim them immediately, but sometimes I don't, and then I get lazy, and then I end up reinstalling windows and having 400gb of files I don't need. Lmao.

I've been playing a little game with myself for the past few months, trying to stay over 1 TB of space. Here are the game's rules: Stay over 1 TB of space.

I haven't had much to say on Tumblr lately, so y'know what? I'll provide progress updates here, to my audience of zero. Going to try and get a few videos trimmed today (Mainly the larger ones) so let's see if I get a relevant amount of storage back. I doubt it, considering the second-largest file in the folder I'm tackling was 1.06 GB...

[frostygutar]

Awesome conversation advice:

If someone sends you anything, reply within five seconds with a default phrase of your choice. Pick one that means absolutely nothing, and make sure you use it every single time they speak to you. This is to signal that you don't care about what they have to say, and you didn't read a single word they typed, because you are more important than them.

Make sure that you never acknowledge their message, even if it was an important time sensitive question, or them showing something they made for you. Even if it's something they spent days working on for the specific purpose of showing you it, never stop ignoring them. You're more important than these peasants, nothing they do matters.

After your hard work putting them in their place, treat yourself by talking over them with your own messages. Make sure to mention your own projects, and rub in their face how much more important your message is than theirs.

You get bonus points for sending them a message every five minutes for the rest of the day, but you lose your points if you ever acknowledge their original message. Never talk to them unless they talk to you first, but never reply to their message either.

If the person repeats their message, or shows any signs of feeling hurt by your actions, ignore them. Don't speak a word to them until next week. They should know better than to talk back to you. Make them learn their place in this world.

[frostygutar]

Recycling

I have so many failed song concepts just sitting in my files, it's always nice to incorporate them into newer songs. I just straight up copy pasted a song i made 2 years ago and slapped it into this new one I'm working on. I'm obviously editing it a bit since it's 2 years old and stinky, but my point is it's cool that I finally found a purpose for it two whole years later.

I have this same mentality with my story characters, sometimes I'll pick up one I left sitting here for a few years, give them a new purpose, etc. It's nice to see old ideas come back to life ^-^

[frostygutar]

Betterish

Y'know, I've been feeling a lot better after making that post. The post wasn't what magically made me feel better, it was actually a lot of things on Discord since then, but I don't care to talk about it here. I'll leave the post up for now, just in case anyone stumbles upon it and wants some insight on how my brain's been working lately. Anyway, music's been going okay I suppose. That song I just posted sounds significantly worse now than when I happily posted it, figures lmao, should have waited another day to make sure I wasn't blinded by the fact that I technically finished a song. Been working on my other projects per usual since that, nothing insane. I'm boooreedd

[frostygutar]

I don't even know how to describe this song other than "Glitchy," but It's done, I guess. It wasn't ever meant to be a "real" song, was just kinda screwing around, but here it is. Technically my first complete song... That's sad. Oh well.

[frostygutar]

Depression is so fun :3

I sure do love when basically nothing happens, but my brain is taking it as "Holy shit your friends aren't your friends and they're talking behind your back and are going to leave you soon lmao!!" But I genuinely cannot convince myself they aren't, especially when they're getting slowly more and more toxic. That could be unintentional, maybe I'm just overthinking, but I've been through so much that I default to worst case scenario.

I wish I wasn't like this, but my brain has decided to always assume the worst in any event, because as much as I hate it, what I fear happening is what usually happens 80% of the time. I hate being right, y'know? I also hate the complete lack of friends I can just vibe with, not having to worry every second, but here I am, worrying about everyone. Then I try to meet more people, and they make me worry too. I can't escape.

And here I am, staring at my Discord friends list, contemplating the first purge of the year. I have 33 friends, and I can say with 100% confidence that if I unfriended 7 of them right now, I would feel nothing. There are 7 people who have broken my trust so badly, that I can't even say why I keep them on my list. And that's just the guaranteed bunch, there's still plenty of others who've treated me badly enough to where I would have to think for a few minutes on if I'd consider them a friend or not. They were my friends at some point, and I want to consider us close, but can I..?

I hate this. I hate thinking this about my god damn friends. I want to just be happy. But if I let my guard down, guess what fucking happens? Everything bad. Just another horrible person I talked to on a horrible day that leads to the entire illusion of a friendship we were keeping up, crumbling with one, two, maybe three messages between us. Because every time we reach that point, I spent months trying to get them to stop whatever it was, and they continued, and I'm fed up. So despite my logic making perfect sense, I still replay it over, and over, and over, and get mad about it, and have days like today where I just can't get the voice out of my head.

And then, for some reason, instead of writing a diary entry about it, I make a Tumblr post. Why did I do this? Why did it take me an hour to convey the words I wanted? Who am I talking to? Who am I posting this for?

Do I even need to post this?

No, I don't. But I already typed it out, so...

[frostygutar]

2024 Review, kinda

I suppose I should start wondering if I actually feel accomplished in any way this year. 2024 was a bumpy ride the entire year, but I feel like I did a lot more than I usually do each year. I'll start with the three main hobbies I tried keeping up with; Art, music & writing.

Art went fucking horribly, I made three good drawings the entire year, and I've scrapped more drawings this year than in my entire life. Started hopeful, but over the past few months I've decided to not even consider art in my skillset. I'm terrible, have no interest in improving, and I have more fun doing literally anything else, so...

Music went okay, I guess? Still no finished songs, but my skill improved significantly compared to the start of the year! I bought my first vst, Xpand!2, and I learned quite a lot of things about music this year. I also got my first... Midi keyboard, I think? Idk, piano I can plug into my pc and use in FL Studio. Haven't used it that much honestly, but it's neat. I also made more song attempts I was actually proud of this year, unlike last year where I only liked one single song of mine. Overall, this was my strongest improvements, I think.

Writing didn't really go anywhere… Actually, no, it went anywhere, just not the thing I actually wanted. My "main" story collapsed near the start of this year, and I decided I was going to remake it, but I was going to fully plan it out before I started writing this time. I made lots of plans, and I spent all year improving them to a point where I'm really, really happy with it! But... Well, I haven't actually written anything, because the plans aren't complete. My skill itself already peaked last year in my opinion, so I didn't exactly get better at writing, but I would say I got better at organizing, planning, and pretty much everything that comes with writing, other than the writing itself. I'm satisfied, but I'm disappointed I didn't actually release anything despite my efforts. Next year will be the one, surely...

As for everything else, there isn't really anything to say. That's my life, tbh. I had a few gaming accomplishments, but eh. Who cares right now?

[frostygutar]

Writing "break" is almost over :(

I will not sugarcoat it; I didn't actually take a break from writing. I got distracted by other things, and my first period in the whole year where I'm not working on anything for an extended period of time, just conveniently happened to land around November/December. But it's funny to call it a holiday break, so I'm going to call it that.

Either way, hopefully I actually do stuff next year. I want at least one released story, I have so many just sitting in my files untouched rn... There literally isn't a bar, I don't have a fanbase, why am I so worried about making it spectacular for the zero people who are going to read it?

[frostygutar]

Bla Bla Bla

The only good thing about meeting so many horrible people, is I've started to feel better and better about losing them. I used to be distraught for a week or two, then it went to a few days, and now? The most recent friend loss was someone I've known for years, poured my heart and soul into getting to know them, only to be tossed out the millisecond I stopped tolerating their endless lying. And y'know what? I don't care.

I didn't care the months before, I didn't care the day it happened, and I still don't care a month and half later. It is actually impressive how little I care anymore. Maybe it helped knowing the friendship was sinking in advance, I did spend awhile distancing myself before the plug was pulled...

I just wish I could meet people who aren't assholes. Why is it impossible for people to treat others correctly? How hard is it to listen to your friends instead of throwing them out when they dare to assume they're allowed to bond with you? Am I seriously the nicest person on earth? That is pathetic. I don't even consider myself nice, but I'm practically an angel compared to the people I meet again, and again, and again.

[frostygutar]

Just to fill the void a bit, heres a random song. I've had this song sitting around for two years and it wasn't going anywhere, so I tried remaking it from scratch recently. I only got the piano in (And I left the Marimba from the original almost untouched).

I think it sounds nice, but it goes against what my original plan for the song was. I also haven't worked on this in a month or two, but the song I planned on posting sucked too much to post. I recently bought new headphones with much better audio quality, and realized a lot of the songs I thought were semi-decent were just plain bad.

Until I fix them or make some new tunes, I basically have zero music I'm willing to share. Darn :(