fuzzznstuffingthatcomesout - Tumblr blog

[fuzzznstuffingthatcomesout]

I dropped out.

I just filled out the paper work to drop out of college. I plan to find a different school, but the shame is crushing. And I hate that. I was taught to feel like a failure, even for changing schools.

I will get my degree and I will break the cycle, it's just going to cost me blood sweat and tears.

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i hate that BPD gives me such a lack of emotional permanence.

you can spend hours describing the ways in which you care about me, yet the moment you stop my brain will immediately decide you hate me and are destined to leave me.

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I haven't had a meal today, and I probably won't. I've nibbled on some things here and there. I had a meal yesterday, and god knows when I had a meal before that.

I'm not doing this to lose weight. Sometimes its BPD s/h. It's mostly because I just can't. There will be food just sitting there for me and I can't. Or I'll think of foods I like. In combination with my ADHD my safe foods will fade out. I'm so tired.

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I actually fucking can't take care of myself, how crazy is that?

I don't eat. For days on end. I can't pack a lunch for work, I don't know how to. And I'm too exhausted when I get home or I don't care or fucking ARFID so I don't eat dinner. Don't even ask me about breakfast. Not like I can afford food in this economy.

I fucking don't know how to take care of myself because, really, I'm just some baby inside an adult skin suit.

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Hey Google, how do I maintain a façade of having everything put together even though despite it all I'm barely holding up the house of cards and when I experience small moments of joy or peace they're ripped away from me or it's made starkly clear others have it worse than me

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I didn't even do anything "wrong" this time, but I'm drowning in guilt. My throat is closing up. My FP is sad. It feels like it's my fault, I had done this, I did this on purpose to hurt them (I didn't, it's just the nature of our circumstances).

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i feel so manipulative when i sh after arguments where im in the wrong

and the other person has to comfort me even though i was the one who messed up.

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I hate that I'm so quick to anger. Maybe anger isn't the best word. But I'm frustrated. I don't think we talk enough about anger and frustration in relation to BPD outside of relationships.

I crochet, but I've never really done amigurumi before. I know I've done it wrong. Not only does it look funky but my stitch count is completely off. I know it's because it's harder to aww stitches with plush yarn and I must have miscounted but it's too late now. I feel like I either must finish it this morning or toss it in the garbage.

I'm likely to give it to my FP who I know will adore it. I just feel sickly and angered by it because it's not perfect. I know it's my BPD. I know it's that fear of needing to be perfect. I know not everyone can do this, I know I need the practice. It doesn't make the awful feeling go away.

It's exhausting. I gave up adding more splotches of gray and just opted to finish the body in pink. Just get it done, at least.

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I started mood stabilizers (yay! 🥳) two days ago. Baby dose right now. My doctor didn't want to diagnose me, stating my symptoms could easily be my trauma or autism or some mix, but at least she is willing to treat my symptoms.

Since I've started the meds my brain won't shut up. I'm on ADHD meds, but it feels like I went cold turkey. I can't sleep. I'm stressed constantly. I was already stressed before but it's so much worse because I can't shut the thoughts out. I'm having nightmares. I'm waking up every hour or so. I'm so terribly exhausted.

But I have noticed my episodes are lessening. Still there, but I feel more in control. And, to be fair, I have plenty of outside stressors. Who's to say this is just my meds?

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My partner wanted me to write if I had a good day.

I did.

We went to a garage sale and a craft fair. My spoils were larger at the garage sale but that's to be expected here in Timbucktoo. I got craft supplies to finally overcome my fear of amigurumi (I've been crocheting for little under a year) and so I can make my coworker a lovey for their grandchild on the way.

I hung out with friends, its 4/20. I crocheted snuggled up to their cat on their giant snorlax.

Did I still stumble today? Yeah, I did. I snapped here and there, my tone being far more aggressive than I intended. I got frustrated when we tried to figure out where to get snacks. My weed tea spilled ಥ_ಥ

I'm settling down by really wanting to finish this cow and relaxing in bed. Tomorrow is my other day off, and I'm not sure what I'll do with it yet.

[fuzzznstuffingthatcomesout]

[fuzzznstuffingthatcomesout]

do i have to resort to extreme measures just for you to bat an eye? please tell me what i have to do to make you care

[fuzzznstuffingthatcomesout]

I feel like a bad partner because of my bpd. My episodes are exhausting. I'm exhausting. I can't help I'm broken, but I can help my behavior. I'm so sorry. I know I apologize too much. I'm sorry you have to walk on eggshells. I feel guilt, knowing that a different partner could be easier for you. I feel guilt knowing practically no one will put up with me. Why do you?

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I'm a slob. A pig. I'm disgusting and no matter how hard I try to run from this it catches up to me. I don't think I'll ever get better, get cured. It's terminal, I'm afraid.

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