gdflip

[gdflip]

empty apologies

apologies i’ll never learn to take back pour out of my mouth by habit

yes, as a woman, it’s in our blood to apologize for existing

but with you

it naturally comes,

an apology i dont understand

and know you dont deserve

but i’m the one trying to fix us

bring us back to how we were

and i know that empty apologies

those that i know i shouldn’t utter

are the only thing that will get through

break past the stubborn wall you’ve built

shutting me out in your times of vulnerability

when you need me most,

i’m sideways

not knowing what to say or do

but empty apologies

seem to be the only thing

to stop you from neglecting me

[gdflip]

puppy love

i want to go back in time

to when infatuation flooded our eyes and dripped down our fingertips

i want you to remember how newness felt

the excitement of the beginning

that has now grown in some ways yet faded in others

the passion of a budding relationship will forever be something im envious of

envious of myself

a year ago

as excited as a child at christmas

ready to open the gift of

a new love

with new adventure

and learning how i want to be treated

[gdflip]

brain fog

im stuck in a place i dont want to be anymore

i want to give in and let the universes hands grab my throat and throw me wherever it pleases

but i want control

i think i have control

over my decisions and of those around me

but do i?

am i consciously choosing to do what i do

or am i in a fog of nothingness,

being wrung out of all that is good in me

until i am nothing but a shell

but the universe is looking out for me right?

everything is as it should be?

am i doing what im supposed to?

what am i “supposed” to?

is there any definite way of living

a path i should be following

probably not

but instead of taking control of my life and

responsibility for my actions

for hurting those i hold close to me

for driving them away

for loving them

no

but do i care?

no

why? why cant i gain control?

no motivation

no energy

am i blaming my decisions on that?

yes

can i stop?

no

i hope the universe is listening

because this is a cry for help

[gdflip]

i wrote this when i was 14

when i looked up i saw your face

a constellation of stars in the sky

it reminded me of how things were

before i looked into your eyes

i was normal

and i was calm

your hand never rested

against my throbbing palm

because before all this bullshit

i was happy

and i was satisfied

i was confident

i was happy to be alive

i let you use my heart

for a god damn stress ball

when you needed something to hurt

when you had nothing at all

i let you use my heart

for a harp

pulling its strings

tearing it apart

[gdflip]

and now i cant breathe. my chest is tight and my body immovable. he holds my hand and pulls me to a room thats dark and despite how many times i'd been in there, it feels unfamiliar. i clench my teeth and try to stop myself from yelling because i know it will only make it worse.

his breath smells of day old coffee and 99¢ toothpaste. its stale and suffocating. he shouts in my face because i refuse to cooperate. i struggle out from under his loose grip.

and then i am pinned to a bed. my bed. my arms are held above my head with his veiny hands and my legs held down with his legs. they are heavy. he is heavy. i cant breathe. and then, as if nothing happened, its over.

[gdflip]

Sunday

i can feel nostalgia in my bones

its like when feelings are similar to those of a sunday when i was a child, being somewhere fun then driving home, faking asleep in the car, and waking up to get ready for school the next day. i hated sundays. i feel this feeling in my dad to day. its a hot tingling sensation in my scalp and rattling in my bones. my tear ducts ready to leak.

[gdflip]

who is this person laying next to me

i ask myself as i look at your sleeping eyelids

someone i hold so dear to me

i sometimes hardly know

you reject and push me away,

the part of you i don’t recognize

yet when you hold me in your arms

cradling me in the love of our past lives

i know exactly what you are

and who we were always meant to be

[gdflip]

[gdflip]

an arrangement in the night

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untitled 1

I feel myself changing every with every step I take, with every breath that escapes my collapsing lungs. The energy rattling my bones is addicting and I’m relapsing.

[gdflip]

Sleep

when i wake from this drunken dream

i need to make sure

i hold onto

what makes me.

what makes me feel alive

what makes me feel rightness

what races through my soul in a flooding light.

to stop holding onto ideas that make me believe i am what i project.

because, i am not what i think.

i am real.

i am light.

i am life.

[gdflip]

wrote this when i was way too high, never proofread

When God created the sky, he placed a plethora of freckles on a cheek so dark for those who wandered through the land to bed led back home. He called them “Stars”, light from millions of galaxies away, planets we’ll never see and life forms we will never know. His intention for man was never to be man vs man, even across the miles of sea. God left them alone to fend for themselves, but he didn’t know the world would become chaos the moment he let his creation think for themselves.

He called this “free will”. They could now have conscious thoughts no longer controlled by Him. This was both a blessing and a curse; they could have identities made by themselves, yet betray their creator and soon forget Him completely. They cold form falsities of their god and create new ones to replace. Eventually, they ruled the world without the one true leader. God gave up on his men, unable to protect them any longer. The people knew they were alone, no God to serve, no God to provide, no Stars to guide them. Only their tainted thoughts and lies keeping them warm at night and their minds at bay.

This didn’t last long, however, for they became trapped in their own minds worshipping not eachother but a newer, greener God and a corrupt system which sustained their lives. Powerless, hopeless, and alone. The first budding pieces of man that will allow them to evolve into what they are now.

[gdflip]

stay

will you beg me to stay

like i beg you to love me?

[gdflip]

waiting

i sat and waited for you

in YOUR bed

an empty one

hoping you’d notice i was here

and would come join me.

you didn’t come.

you fell asleep alone downstairs

unbothered by the fact that i wasn’t right there next to you.

do i deserve better? i cried to myself

in YOUR bed.

did i really lose myself

and give you everything

to be in a relationship going nowhere?

i deserve a better love.

with someone who would be just as heartbroken

about sleeping alone

without their other half.

i still lay here waiting

hoping you’re downstairs thinking about

how you miss my soft cold skin

falling asleep on yours

but deep down i know you’re not.

i know you’re not coming upstairs.

i know you’re not heartbroken.

i know i’ll forever lay alone

on YOUR bed.

and i know i deserve better.

do i cave and go downstairs

and cuddle up against your rejection?

i probably will

because though i know i deserve better,

i’ll settle for this love.

whatever kind of love this is.

this is for those

blinded by undeserving love.

ps.

it’s been 45 minutes; you’re not here.

[gdflip]

A Letter

this is a letter for those with fire in their lungs and yearning in their hearts.

keep beating

keep wishing

keep loving

keep learning

one day you’ll find your

thing

the

thing

that makes your blood hot

and your mind curious

and your heart open

i’m not yet there but this is for both of us;

those who know what they’re doing

and where they are,

and those of us

who have

no

fucking

clue.

[gdflip]

missing.

These sheets cradle my body in a soft numbness and melancholy sadness. White light leaks through my eyelids until their heaviness disappears and they are open once again. Your name forms on my lips when I am alone and your eyes open windows in my mind when my own cannot. Like a photograph, my body lay still and yours beside me, almost as cold but not quite; reflecting an image of what I thought I had but appears to no longer be mine. You leave without a word and I am left speechless