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[getmylife]

Completed (I don't remember) Finally uploaded November 10th 2023

This quarter feels kinda' like a fever dream. I can't quite remember where it started. It kinda' blurs together with the second quarter, but overall it was Not a Good Time TM. My mental health took a dive, but the one really good thing that happened is I decided that I didn't have a choice but restructure my life in the next quarter and I started therapy so whoot whoot.

[getmylife]

I'm taking a few weeks off from other people's deadlines (which means no personal or business projects for my parents). They're on their own for a bit this month and next month. I was planning to take a whole four weeks off but there's a business project coming up early November that needs my expertise. It feels a lot like throwing my dad under the bus if I don't help out. So I've decided two stick two days onto the end of my vacation for every day I work for in the middle.

I want to get a lot of personal stuff done during this "time off." For example, I need to start my personal packing and some of our communal decluttering. I also want to go ham on my current WIP. One of my friends has a birthday in February and I was hoping to finish this WIP, edit it and send it to her as a surprise. We'll see how that goes.

The thing is that I just want to mark off two things from each column. I think that's the most realistic seeing that my period is a stone throw away and it usually takes an additional week to get back on my feet.

[getmylife]

#Den things I’m looking forward to when we move

Having my own room

Having my own bathroom

Having a designated work space

Bay windows ❤️

Storage!!!

Safe, accessible place for my instruments

Safe, accessible place for my books

A door on my room

A door to my bathroom

A chest of drawers

[getmylife]

T-70 Days to Moving

Completed September 7 2023

So great news! The tiles are here, the windows have been ordered and the doors are being chosen. It should take about three weeks to tile and by then the windows should have arrived and so that can start right away.

The contractor and the joiner should be meeting next week, God willing and so we'll be able to start working on bathroom cabinets and bedroom closets. I'm getting my bed custom made for extra storage so that meeting should get the ball rolling for all of that. #Den

The issue I've been having is that the new house has lost its shiny glow. I've been thinking of it as this Promised Land TM, where life will just be better, which, objectively, is true. Our neighbours will be few and far between so I'll feel more comfortable going out in the yard and I'll get both fresh air and sunshine. I'll have my own space and some more control over my belongings and my routines and so my mind will be clearer. I'll have easy access to my instruments and the internet will be faster and self care activities will become a lot easier. My periods will be more comfortable because of the privacy I'll have. There are so many benefits that will come with moving.

Yet, I'm still going to be me. I'm still intrinsically flawed. I'm still going to have to work on treating myself and others with kindness. I'm going to have to put fail safes in place for the low energy and low mood days. I'm still going to have to keep seeing a psychiatrist. I'm still going to be struggling with figuring out who I am and what I believe and where I'm going. I'm still going to battle with anxiety and depression and ADHD. These are still going to be my struggles.

The realization of this has dampened my excitement a bit, but I don't think it's a bad thing. I think it's more realistic than pessimistic and it will save me from the disappointment waiting for me if I hadn't thought this over more objectively. I can't imagine how devastating it would be to get there and then have this realization. #Notes

It's also helped me be a bit more proactive. I can't wait to get there to start living and improving. I was seriously going to wait til I got there to start seeing a therapist. I'm glad I didn't wait. My next appointment is scheduled for next week. I've been thinking about some of the stuff we talked about the last time and I'm over most of the shame of feeling like I overshared (like that isn't what you're literally supposed to do...smh). #Soul

I've also been doing some recommended reading: The Four Agreements; A Scattered Mind; and The Self-Compassion Workbook. The last two have been kind of overwhelming in terms of length for me right now and my attention span, but I'm taking it all one page at a time. I doubt that I'll be done with all three by the next time we meet, but I'd like to be done with the Four Agreements. That is the one that has been resonating the most with me. #Quotes

My health has been okay lately. Mostly just dizziness and lack of appetite to think about. I'm definitely dehydrated though. This heat has been wicked. I need to find some form of physical activity though: something light and easy and mindless. Walking is not for me, but I need to figure something out and soon. #Bones

I've not found a replacement for myself for my lessons yet and so I'm thinking of keeping one student. I don't know that she'd work well with just anyone and my other two should be fine without me. #World

This week I've not been writing like I'd like to, but I did put out a two liner that has been gaining traction on the Tumblr TM. That will always be so validating to me, getting notes on pieces I'm proud of. My WIP is not close to being done. I've been gunning to finish it by December, but at the rate I'm going it doesn't look great, especially since I also wanted to write a short story to put out during Christmas. We'll see how it goes especially since I'm taking the whole of next month off. #Pen

My #Skills and #Thrills life have been kinda dry. Although, I did go out for icecream with a cousin this week. That was fun. It was nice seeing him after so long.

My music has not gone anywhere in a long time, but my DuoLingo is going strong so yayyy. #Tones

[getmylife]

Update (Post-therapy appointment)

Completed August 28, 2023

So I had a consultation with a psychiatrist this week and when I tell you I feel so validated and justified. We haven't spoken about PMDD yet, but we're talking about ADHD, autism and OCD. When I tell you I'm both shocked and not surprised at all. These "diagnoses" (I'm using that word loosely because Idk that I've been diagnosed or it's just that I meet a lot of the criteria) just feel like one giant step in the right direction. #Soul

In light of figuring myself out and trying to improve my mental health, I'm taking a step back when it comes to all of the volunteer projects. I'm trying to see who I can get to take care of all my students when September comes, because I don't think I could make any strides forward if I'm stressing over after-school lessons. #World

When it comes to building, the tiles have supposedly arrived, but we're having trouble clearing them. Once that's sorted hopefully we'll get those laid and be one step closer to finishing. Last week we met with a joiner about closets, bathroom vanities and kitchen cabinets. We're organizing windows too. So it's all happening. Still a bit slow, but I'm grateful. #Den

I've been so good at writing lately. I finally got back into my current WIP and I've been sending it to one of my friends overseas as I write each chapter and she is so hyped it's inspiring. She's so excited about the story and so it makes me excited about the story and so I keep writing. I think I've sent her two chapters in the past four weeks which is incredible for me. #Pen

I've not found the willpower to take care of my skin with the products the dermatologist recommended. So my skin has been a challenge, but it's so much better than earlier this year. Also prune juice has been a win when it comes to bowel movements. Not there yet on hydration yet especially since it's been so stinking hot, but we keep on keeping on. #Bones

I have not used any of my instruments in way too long. I'm not beating myself up about that, though, which is good. The only thing is that when the psychiatrist asked what I do in my spare time, I didn't mention music at all (T.T) . My DuoLingo streak on the other hand is fire. I'm almost at my 250 days streak. Did I have to use a ton of streak freezes? (Yes), but this is still something to celebrate. #Tones

I do not know how to cook or drive, but I'm learning to live with myself LOL #Skills

I have a date with one of my cousins once he's back from vacation. We're supposed to go for ice-cream. So that's it for my social life. I also have been chatting a lot with my uni roommates. That's been fun. I've been watching Ted Lasso and an early 2000s Tarzan adaptation in my free moments. Been scrolling le TikTok and reading lots of fanfic. These have been anxiety inducing as of late, though. #Thrills

I got recommended three books by my psychiatrist so definitely some room for some sick #Quotes.

I've been fairly consistent with my Self-evals and I'd like to be consistent with these updates too #Notes.

[getmylife]

Update (Game Plan?)

Completed August 3, 2023

I am depressed. There’s no other way to say it, no point in beating around the bush. And depression has a way of interfering with productivity (LOL). July was A LOT. I did my tally of completed tasks this week and I think it was a total of almost 180, which is approximately half of what I do in an entire quarter. So yh, no wonder I’m burnt out.

But more than that, the past five years have been building up to this giant ball of “Why am I even here?” in my chest and it looks like the only way out will be through my mouth. So I’m going back to therapy. 

The past few months have made it abundantly clear that I’m not going to survive without some kind of intervention. I was hoping that moving would have been that intervention: cleaner air, more sunlight, my own space, safe ways to exercise. I mean it sounds like heaven.

But moving is taking a lot longer than expected. Money has been the major problem. And energy. Someone has to sort through and pack all of our stuff. Someone has to push for windows and doors and kitchen counters. I’ve tried to be that person but please refer to Sentence #1. I’m barely able to keep myself going at this point. How will I sustain an entire moving operation?

So moving might be a last quarter of the year situation. I’m praying for October, the 7th, to be exact. It’s a Thursday (woot woot) and all our major projects for the year should be done and dusted. We should have the bandwidth to pull off an entire move by then. I can’t wait ‘til October to feel better about life, so therapy it is.

I’m hoping I get some distinct diagnosis so I know what I’m working with. So I have an idea of where to start. 

I was talking to my mom today about medication and sharing that I think if I’m ever going to be a functional person again I’m going to have to try medication, but I don’t want to be on medication for the rest of my life. And she was like, you might have to be on it until your body can produce the hormones you need to function. Idk. I don’t want to taste normalcy and then have to give it up. I’m so afraid of messing up my body and mind further. I was like “it’s been ten years, why can’t my body figure itself out yet?”

But she reminded me that it’s been 10 years of going nonstop. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve been running so fast that I don’t even know which direction I’m moving in. I don’t know which way is up or down or forward or backwards.

So.

I’m thinking about making October a month of self-discovery. I really want to spend some time figuring out who I am and where I want to go. I think I’ve largely focused on the needs of the people around me and their expectations of me for the past ten years. I think it’s time to be a bit more conscious and deliberate about making this my life. About making it something I’m creating and not something that’s happening to me.

I think this month, and next month, God willing, I’ll spend some time putting together a list of activities I can try throughout October to get to know myself better. Once I figure out who I am and what I want, I think building the life and the routines that facilitate that will be easier. And then I can put things in place over the months to follow to hit the ground running (or walking, if I so decide) in January 2024, God willing.

For anyone else struggling, I hope you find a reason to hold on today. You got this! I believe in you!

[getmylife]

Noteworthy:

Completed June 22, 2023

I’ve gotten the wireless over ear buds and they’re chef’s kiss. I’ve gotten the mouse recently too but I haven’t tested it out yet since I took a week off work this week.

My periods have been beautiful for the past few months and so the massage gun, heated blanket and hot water bottle are not emergencies. They will just improve my standard of living once I get them.

Still not sure about the Audible subscription. Still testing out the headphones. I love that I don’t risk yanking my head back when I get up from the computer though.

Items on my wishlist intended to make my life easier/better

Wireless over ear buds

Massage gun (with heat)

Heated blanket

Hot water bottle [Coronation]

Mouse (wireless optional)

Audible subscription?

[getmylife]

Noteworthy:

Completed May 29, 2023

I’ve been spending a lot more time chilling. I don’t know if that’s good or not. I rarely feel the bite of the productivity bug. I think I might be burnt out or it’s just  a symptom of depression. Can’t really tell the difference atm. But I know that once I’m feeling “better” I’ll go ham with the productivity and not want to chill. So I’m trying to enjoy the fact that I want do nothing at the moment.

Between my mental and reproductive health, idk that I’m ever going to be a social person. I missed a wedding last weekend because my period came the day before. And then when I’m having really low mood like last Thursday, I don’t want to be around people. So idk what to do about that.

The relaxing experience does not have to cost me anything. I didn’t consider that, because I was thinking about maybe going for a massage but those stress me out more than anything rn. But when we move it could be something as simple as taking a soak in my tub. Or lying in my bed and listening to my favourite playlist. So I think I need to practice thinking simple.

What I really badly want to create is music. And as stated earlier that will be made easier when I move, both in terms of access to my instruments and privacy. 

I need to get my own source of income. I’m not sure how to do that, but hopefully I’ll figure it out.

I’ve been checking on my friends though. That habit has been the easiest one to maintain because I don’t even have to think about it.

Thrills - Reality Vs. Goals

Completed March 18 2023

Reality

I feel like I’m always either in a reading slump or a binge. I don’t know how to be in between. Right now I’m in a slump and I think it’s based on two things: I’ve been really busy for the last few weeks in terms of both work and volunteer projects and me time was very hard to come by. I feel like most books I want to have read (note I didn’t say “want to read”; I might have issues; who knows?) require a high investment and a long wait before the pay off. So in the evenings when everything is quiet and everyone has gone to bed I just read fanfic, webtoons or those quick beach read romances.

I’ve started a collection of used books. Our local library gives them away from time to time and Ma has been picking ones up that she thinks I’d like. That in itself brings me so much joy, so I don’t mind being one of those people who considers that a whole different hobby.

Also I’m really interested in scrapbooking and reading and other kinds of tracking journals that use calligraphy and all different kinds of writing styles. My dream is to do them in a physical book but I don’t really have my own space right now and I’d want to keep all the pieces safe. Also, I don’t know that I have a lot of the resources like the magazine cut outs. I don’t think I’d want to print out everything and then cut them out. Also I don’t know how to do calligraphy.

So I made a reading journal on Canva but I have not begun to use it because as I said –BUSY.

I’m not as into crafting as Sib 2 (she does crochet, macrame, embroidery, cross-stitch, and she has a paper quilling set too), but I do know how to do some basic crochet (I’ve made two hats I believe). I wouldn’t mind making a cute sweater or cardigan (although, I find most yarns kinda’ scratchy and ridiculously expensive where I live).

I think my other hobbies are included in TONES and PEN.

I don’t have very many close friends where I live. So any socializing would have to be done virtually. We all have such busy lives it feels like we’re drifting apart sometimes, but I think we’ll just have to do friendship differently.

That being said, Sib 2 wants to go out and do things so once one of us gets our license we might start going for ice cream or drives etc.

Habits to Develop by the End of the Year:

Check on three friends every quarter

Spend money on something fun or entertaining every quarter

Plan a relaxing experience every month

Create something every month

Bonus: Media consumption scrapbooking/overview (monthly to quarterly)

[getmylife]

T- I still don’t know how many days left

We have good news. The tiles arrive in August, God willing. And there’s bad news. The windows and doors haven’t been ordered yet.

To move, we need those two things and then the fittings like the cupboards and cabinets in the kitchen and bathrooms. Then we need furniture, appliances and random things like curtains and rugs and cushions.

Because of how my room is set up in terms of limited space and storage, my bed will have to be custom made so I can have drawers under the bed and a headboard that serves as a bedside table.

All of these things mean we need cash and time for our requests to be fulfilled.

I’m frustrated. It seems so close but still just out of reach. I’m so ready to live my best life.

I don’t have the energy to push right now though. My WORLD responsibilities are pressing up against me for the next few months. And there’ll be a few work projects coming up soon. Idk. Still trying to believe that God’s timing is best.

This week I did a lot of daydreaming and I also decluttered an area with my mom. We threw away some stuff and it’s one section of the house that will be easier to pack when we’re ready. We also did some appliance window shopping today too.

[getmylife]

Noteworthy:

Completed May 29, 2023

So I think all these habits might have to wait until we move. I have anxiety surrounding ingestion right now and hopefully I can get that sorted out by July. I’ve decided to go back to driving school in August, God willing. So I’ll have to get started on reading the manuals.

My dad said we’d work on fixing up our books in July, God willing because things would have settled down by then, but I doubt that will be the case. The business is supposed to be undergoing a big change soon and then there’s the music camp and moving so I might have to postpone that to August too.

I’m discovering that I have some really deep-pocketed pants. It’s a pleasant surprise. But there are a few I definitely need to fix. My sibs have both been thinking about taking up sewing, so if one of them gets a sewing machine that might make life easier.

As you can see moving will make everything better and I’m trying so hard to not let that thought rule my life, because I don’t just want to move anymore, I want to have moved. Ahhhhhhh!

Skills - Reality Vs. Goals

Completed March 18 2023

Reality There are so many things I’m embarrassed about that I don’t know how to do. One of them is driving. I started learning nine years ago, tried again the next year and then haven’t set foot on a pedal since. Just the thought of it fills me with jitters but it’s a life skill that I think is important and I’m not going to be good at it without practice. So the sooner I start, the better.

I used to say I can’t cook, but now I think cooking is as simple as following a recipe. I usually am able to do that, though I hate the waiting time of cooking. Sib 3 is great at cooking, he just seems to sense what to do and how to do it. I don’t think I want to be on his level but I do want to be able to make things I’ll enjoy eating by either cooking or baking.

I know how to thread a needle, but I want to learn basic darning and maybe hemming and sewing bras into dresses and bigger pockets into pants, etc.

I am responsible for preparing the company financial statements every year and my dad has been helping me out for the past four years. Preparing last year’s has been when it made the most sense to me

Habits to Develop by the End of the Year:

Prepare something nice to eat/drink for myself weekly

Visualize a successful driving trip weekly

Biannually adding bigger pockets to pants

Quarterly revising how to prepare financial statement

Bonus: Quarterly revise road safety/laws

[getmylife]

Noteworthy:

Completed May 29, 2023

So I’ve not been consistent with any of these habits. What I had originally planned is that every quarter I’d add a new habit from each section to my habit tracker, but this new quarter has been a nightmare (mental health is a struggle y’all) in relation to being consistent. 

So I only change the pet water when the bowl gets empty (which honestly is fairly often because it’s been HOT and they’ve been staying hydrated). I’ve not been helping out with laundry at all (courtesy of SOBOE). Once I get my blood count up, maybe I’ll feel human again. I’ve not touched my bottles. I’m sure that right now I’m majority apple juice (although since apple juice is primarily made of water, that should mean I’m not doing too bad).

The bottles thing is an anxiety thing, it’s not laziness and I’m working on it, slowly but surely.

I’ve stopped making my bed and that’s kinda’ an anxiety thing too, but hopefully I figure all these things out before the end of this quarter and the other half of the year is a bit more fun.

We move in two months, God willing, so there’s probably going to be a lot of denning especially in July. I’ll need to sort through all my stuff and then find a place for everything I’m keeping. I’m genuinely looking forward to it.

Den - Reality Vs. Goals

Completed March 18 2023

Reality

As I said, I’m currently sleeping on the couch and so privacy and a place to put away my stuff are both non-existent. My clothes are in garbage bags because my nephew (I think it’s important to clarify that he is of the feline variety) is a menace and has figured out how to climb into my cupboard and pee on everything. Also, my cupboard is too small for all my stuff and my toiletries and the pet towels.

I clean my bathroom every week unless I’m exhausted, busy or on my period. I don’t sweep or mop unless I’m home on a cleaning day, I have the energy and I’m asked to. I help out with laundry from time to time but I’ve been really busy lately and haven’t had the time or energy. I wash dishes most evenings except when I’m exhausted and I’m on or almost on my period.

I’m responsible for most pet related chores (we have 14 pets), including two of their three meals; most of their doses of medicine; keeping track of their medicine refills; spraying for fleas; medicating for worms; and most baths.

I style my mom’s hair every two weeks and wash and style mine at least once a week (except if I have my period).

I put away the groceries regularly and declutter the kitchen and some other shared spaces from time to time.

Habits to Develop By the End of the Year:

Daily change water for animals

Laundry on Tuesdays

Weekly wash bottles

Daily make bed

Bonus: Monthly room deep clean

[getmylife]

T- IRDK anymore

Completed July 13, 2023

So June was the worst (especially in terms of my mental health). I was really depressed and anxious and they fed into each other and I was a mess. But with my siblings help I took a major step that helped me reduce a lot of anxiety and become a functional human again. It’s still a struggle but it’s not as unbearable as it used to be.

This week I sent out the letters for the loan drawdown but our banker either has a lot going on or one of his higher ups is trying to screw us over so that we pay as much interest as possible. I don’t know. 

It’s been so frustrating, trying to get out of here without any energy or money. We’ve definitely improved our air quality enough to continue to live here, but there are other issues. Our fridge was acting up a few months ago. Thank God it’s sorted itself out. The toaster oven is acting weird too, panels are falling out of our windows and there is a cockroach nest in one of our bathroom walls (at least we suspect so). 

There’s still so much left to do before we move though. We need to buy dirt so that we can backfill and fence. The tiles are on their way at least, that is a relief. But we haven’t ordered windows or doors yet. We need to do all the cabinets in the kitchen and laundry room. Then we need to get furniture and appliances.

On top of that we need to go through all the junk we have and get rid of it for good. We also need to make here livable enough for another human being.

It’s a lot and idk if I have the energy.

I’ve still been doing a lot of dreaming and visualizing though. I’m not quite there yet in terms of trusting God’s timing though.

[getmylife]

One of my goals this year is to pray more for the people in my life. I don’t think I do it unless they ask me to or they’re going through something specific. But if God and I are going to have this close, intimate relationship, I think we should be talking about the people I love more often and definitely about the things I care about.

It feels a bit overwhelming though to end up praying about everyone I’ve ever met on a daily basis. So I think breaking them up into categories might be a good way to start.

[getmylife]

Noteworthy:

Completed May 26, 2023

When I say non fiction I’m excluding devotional because I have a separate reading goal for that. I’m thinking history, self-help, inspirational or motivational. I’ve also wanted to watch more non fiction content like documentaries and video courses/tutorials.

The shopping goal is there because I couldn’t think of anything else, but I guess it makes sense. I have to expend time and energy to find new content to consume. I might as well account for it.

I’m still really into the ideas of documenting and journaling because I think they will be both fun and useful. So I’m really looking forward to developing the review and journal habits.

I want to be a podcast girlie too, because I think a lot of domestic tasks would become monumentally easier with something interesting happening in the background. I need a pair of wireless headphones to make that dream come true, though. I’ve already chosen them. I’m just waiting ‘til I have disposable income to get them.

I’m also considering an audible subscription to listen to self-help books and classics so that I won’t have to sit through the more difficult books (not sure how that note-taking process will go though).

But when it comes to any deliberate learning I’m planning to do a teensy bit of it between my two sleep cycles.

Quotes - Reality Vs. Goals

Completed March 18 2023

Reality

I have a great desire to read classics and educational books, but I struggle with the longer classics and nonfiction because of my attention span. I don’t know how to read non fiction in a more cursory way like I do with fiction and it stresses me out when I’m not paying rapt attention to what I’m reading. 

It’s also possible that the books I “want” to read are really just books I want to have read because I think they’ll make me look smart or impress people when I tell them I’ve read them.

But also there are some books that I think reading them will improve my life, but I want to sit down at a desk with a notebook and take notes and write thoughts, but I haven’t made the time to do that and I’m not sure it would actually be fun. No one is asking me to do this so I don’t really want to force myself, but I do want to learn.

I’m also embarrassed at how little history I know. So I want to fix that.

Habits to Develop By the End of the Year:

Quarterly non-fiction book review

Quarterly course/series/learning topic (YouTube or other)

Quarterly shopping for new read(s)

Monthly entry in reading/media consumption journal

Bonus: Monthly podcast catch up

[getmylife]

Completed June 30, 2023

My second quarter collage. I was particularly mentally and emotionally unwell this quarter, but sis is hopeful for the new quarter.

Well wishes for all the sad girlies on Tumblr who had a similar not-good time this quarter. Hope next quarter is better <3

[getmylife]

Noteworthy:

Completed May 25, 2023

I haven’t written as often as I’d like to. I’m making more of a deliberate effort to write for fun, though. I finally finished a chapter I’d started on a WIP that I’m writing for a friend to read and it was not my best work, but I really wanted to get it out of the way so I could move the story along (one of my goals is to finish the first draft by the end of this year, God willing). So that was really fulfilling to set a goal to finish the chapter before her break and then send it to her.

I’ve not been listening to the recordings (which is both good and bad). The stories are evolving on their own, but it also means I might have missed some of the original details. 

I’ve not felt inspired to sketch and rarely to write poetry. I’m hoping moving improves my mental health and creativity.

Pen - Reality Vs. Goals

Completed March 16 2023

Reality

I have a gazillion story ideas in my Google Drive that I’m not sure how to sit down and flesh out without wanting to give up on writing.

I’ve published three books (all fundraisers). One of them I wrote with my sister and that’s the only one I’m proud of. Thankfully the other two are published under pseudonyms.

I’m in love with basic poetry or poetry-adjacent prose. I’ve just figured out my style of writing, but in the past I needed to be approaching meltdown in order to write anything. In other words, it’s been a while.

I didn’t really have much artistic talent in primary or secondary school. My bone drawings for Bio looked like spongebob I think or some other animated character. However, at some point in college my drawings improved and when I published the “poetry” book I included some random sketches in there that I’m somewhat proud of. So I think there might be something to explore there. Besides, I think drawing would be fun even if I turn out to be bad at it.

Habits to Develop by the End of the Year: 

Weekly blogging

Weekly writing

Weekly sketch

Monthly listen to transcribe recordings

Bonus: Monthly song writing

[getmylife]

T-28 Days ‘til Move In

My positivity is dwindling, even though there’s good news. They’re in the process of building closets in the bedrooms. They’re kinda’ doing it wrong in my sister’s room, but she’s more forgiving than I could be, than I think I am.

We haven’t heard from the tiles people in a while and we haven’t followed up with the concrete flooring people either. We haven’t chosen appliances or furniture yet.

We have spoken to the contractor about a quote for fencing and I’ve processed the letters we need for the final loan disbursement. I prepared a document with the specs Ma and I chose for the kitchen to give to the contractor and I did a drawing today for the joiner to do my cupboard and bookshelves.

I’m kinda’ despairing at this point. I guess that’s part of any faith journey. I don’t really feel bolstered even though everyone else seems to be on board the “let’s get out of here by end of July” bandwagon. Because this house is literally trying to kill us. It feels like too little too late, like I’m still on my own.

I know I wouldn’t be this dramatic about it if I were not currently menstruating, but feeling this way is still warranted, still valid, no matter what time of month it is.

I’m doing my best to get out of here, though. That’s all I can do. Even though most days it doesn’t feel like enough.