goingsobertothehospital

[goingsobertothehospital]

i cant believe its been 5 months since i posted last

my life is just so sporadic  

some days im up and im good other days im down in the gutter

i keep forgetting it takes time to heal

but whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy am i just not good enough for people

all my efforts are so unappreciated and i’m so used

i’ve been betrayed and abandoned countless times, im so lone wolf now

awww mate it never ends

[goingsobertothehospital]

safe?

i’m aware i’ve played my life safe

but the past few years i’ve taken steps away from that

i know why i’ve played my life safe

i just wish she knew that if it wasn’t for the steps i’ve taken i wouldn’t even know her

[goingsobertothehospital]

false hope (2)

i really dont know how to feel,

not only was i denied a girlfriend, but denied entirely

for her i’ve not lived my life, i’ve played it safe my experiences do not amount to hers, i’ve nothing new to show her i’ve nothing to challenge her with, i’ve nothing to offer her in terms of wealth from a perspective of life, i had nothing that she wanted..

i told her she was degrading herself by having sex with people she bares no emotion to, they are using you i told her

and she told me her having sex was just like sleeping or eating and its only then that i had learned a lesson, i still rather have sex with someone i had feelings for and thats why i asked her for sex, but for her to deny me

i felt the lowest i could ever feel, how other guys could have sex with the girl you had feelings for, and she not with you for that very reason

you’d be using me, she told me

[goingsobertothehospital]

false hope

my last entry

i was convinced i had a girlfriend

i didn’t know i would be prevented by my own past

this ‘safety net’ of mine has finally injured me

with my mentality dated and her text messages of hurtful truth

i can only describe my mind as a vase compiled of shattered glass

the function is still here in working order, but it’s broken

[goingsobertothehospital]

apparently

i got a girl now

but either way at the very least

i got my first kiss out the way

at 22 years old

[goingsobertothehospital]

awww mate it never ends

[goingsobertothehospital]

I tried to tell her!

[goingsobertothehospital]

sad af tbh

tryna wait off the pain i think i’m gonna need like 2 months

[goingsobertothehospital]

so much for enjoying our conversations

[goingsobertothehospital]

i’m aware that if its unrequited its probably going to lead to helpless romance

[goingsobertothehospital]

got 99 problems and a models 1

I’m frustrated because I’m running a clothing brand and trying to get it established, like all new clothing brand owners will tell you - my clothing brand is unique and offers something different. I just want to take my ideas and put it on a shirt and hoody. I want people to wear it especially the people I admire.

I have no knowledge of the fashion industry, and no special knowledge of business. I just know you buy something for 17 you sell it for 28 (in reference to a styles P lyric). I may make some decisions in one point of time, and change the way I operate at another point in time after realising my initial decisions put me at a weak position and at a loss. 

At the time I contacted model 1, I had money to spare for payment. It makes for a good relationship if you can make your employees happy - and they will genuinely seek for the better of your business if you do so. So I paid model 1.

There was another model, model 0 who I did pay also, but she did a shabby job. The photography was lazy, there was no lighting, her gloomy and ugly tatted boyfriend was in the shot, she was part nude, they were making out. The post wasn’t even worthy of being called photography and was no where near on par with her other posts in terms of quality. I had just paid for some soiling of my brand name. The post contained everything I did not ask for, and my money was taken.

Model 1 also took an extremely long time to post her work, without communication? My messages were seen but ignored, its the biggest way to place doubt in a employer. She ultimately came through but it made me realise that I have to be more protective of myself - I cannot place 100 percent trust in all of these employees. Because ultimately this is not their business they do not care if it takes off or not. Their pay will be the same, and their money is never at risk.

So as way of attempting to protect myself a small brand who does not want to be taken advantage of - I request for free work. In that the model can keep the shirt. This is not forced, at the least it is unideal for the company. It gives it a certain type of image (such as a cheapskate) and work ideally should always be paid for, not matter how bad or small. But this is simply a request, there was no contract, there was no last minute changes, there was no lies. I asked model 2 if she was willing to model for free in which her reply was something along the lines of ’i don’t usually model for free (so I suppose I am to assume that you are doing a one off for me?)  but okay!’ my response and somewhat reiteration of the request send me your size and address information if (IF) you are willing to model for free. And what do you know, she sent me that information. What am I to assume, other than the fact she, by sending me the information, was willing to model the clothing for free?

My attempt at trying to be as explicit and transparent as possible was redundant. Model 2, in light of seeing model 1′s post asked model 1 if she was paid for her work in which model 1 told her she was. In light of this information Model 2 is now demanding payment. Now I’m all for equal pay at the workplace. But there is a huge undermining of the terms here. I understand that I withheld this information and surely this would’ve made the situation a whole lot clearer (e.g. there would not be this sense that I am trying to cheat employees). Nonetheless the information was not withheld intentionally. 

Once again my clothing brand has been put into some kind of almost-hostage position. I’m now somewhat forced to pay this model 2. Because she has two of my shirts. If I do not pay her, then I’ve wasted the money I used to send the shirts, and have given her two free shirts and most likely she will not post any modelling or photography in detest for my brand.

This snooping around by model 2 was an attempt to unveil some sort of underlying lies I might have been conducting. But the fact of the matter is, there were no lies. It was an attempt to expose me. It was an attempt to expose me because she did not enquire further about the matter of not being paid, therefore there is no capacity for me to give a lie about. For example say asked ‘do you pay your other models?’. ‘am I your first model?’ ‘do you usually not pay?’ I would have given her the answer she sought. Instead there was this attempt to seek the answers without even questioning in the first place.

I’m frustrated because there was no attempt to compromise. Yet, after I fulfilled my part of the job (or deal you might say) there is an attempt at compromising which does not help and puts my brand in a weaker position. Who is to say that had she demanded payment I would have sent the clothes in the first place? Who is to say that had she demanded payment I would happy be happy to pay her, but at a certain amount - given she has (literally) less than half the followers of Model 1. 

She is enquiring now as opposed to before in which the only difference is my items are now in her possession. So she has more (coercive) wagering power.

Conclusively.

1) It is a low blow on her behalf. 

2) I will be watching her closely.

3) Depending on how she goes about this, I will dust my hands of her.

Ultimately, I will not demand that she models both the tees. However I will demand that she is not paid as much as Model 1.

I will demand that she receives payment after the work is fully and wholly complete.

Upon any conflict and attempt to receive the same amount as Model 1, will result in mentioning of the followers and demanding that both of the shirts be modelled. 

Any attempt to take complete advantage of my clothing brand and I will dismiss her, and regard the case as a simple loss and lesson learned in which I will add to my soon to become, plethora of experience.

[goingsobertothehospital]

been 4 years since i last did that shit

the most painful thing about asking someone out is when they reject you, you wish you never asked them out at all, but youre happy you did because it ends the wonderthought

i made that word up

whats even worse, is when its someone that tells you they can’t commit. they can’t commit because in their past they’ve always been the one to love more than their partner, always the one to be the most vulnerable - but thats you too and you know that shit. and so you think you’re perfect for each other and yet

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

scary

[goingsobertothehospital]

Confidence

Whats wrong with me? I was never this unconfident before. Nowadays I can’t look someone in the eye, can’t hold back from shaking hands. I feel conflicted like I should just sleep eternally, but not let go off my memories and times I’ve shared with everyone because they’re precious to me.

But nobody is around anymore, just the one friend J.

[goingsobertothehospital]

Mum pisses me off

Way too annoying, every detail I’ve got to be told off for. Didn’t leave the bread exactly where it was, spent 50p too much on pizza, poured too much milk in my tea didn’t leave a set number of shoes by the door etc etc. I’m tired of the sucky attitude. Today she comes back from a Christmas party where she drinks and dances after not doing so for a while. I call her to find out where she is, she’s coming home soon and turns out she lost an earring. Once shes back I offer to come with her and help her look in the club. They made me stand outside of course because I’ve got no entry, and she was grateful but explain to me why she kept yapping in my ear about one thing or another. The lights on too much the bills to high the musics too loud. Why can’t she just talk and ask me to turn it off or turn it down? Everything’s got to turn into some kind of annoying speech/pep talk/scolding. 

She’s going away this night to Spain and I told her that I’d see her off. She rushed off to the train station and I had to catch up to her because I was taking a while to get ready. She tells me off for not offering to carry her luggage. Yes I admit I should’ve but the way she said it to me was so irritating there was no way I could turn around and admit that or now offer to carry it. I responded with ‘you didn’t ask’. She proceeded to bullshit me. Couple minutes later down the line more bullshit ‘you still haven’t taken the luggage off me’. At this point I was furious, I had already contemplated telling her to go by herself because of how much she already pissed me off. I was considering just turning back right there no goodbye no hug, more like a just fuck off.

I let her carry her damn luggage all the way, down the stairs and up. At the train station I went to take a seat and she walked down the platform, the train just so happened to arrive and when I realised she wasn’t going to say bye I just walked off back out the station. In retrospect it was a bit too savage but that was the extent of all the annoyance she has driven me through tonight.

Good way to start your holiday.

[goingsobertothehospital]

sometimes i wonder

Left to my own devices, given my situation and after a gap year of education. Would I have really enrolled to enter university of my own accord?

I say this because I feel as though, as an individual in his repeated 3rd and final year - although I’m most likely tons more proactive than I have been these past years, I feel as though I am no candidate for university.

Admittedly I love philosophy, I love pondering, but pondering isn’t real and this world is, so pondering won’t get me far. During my school years I was always told that uni is the best option, without it I’d be limited and I’d only end up going back to it. I look at those around me right now, those who have worked this whole time seem happy they look accomplished. As for me, I have no direction I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here, I have hobbies and interests but this whole university thing has just been a debited chore?

[goingsobertothehospital]

Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you are happy for a reason, you’re in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you.

Deepak Chopra (via fyp-philosophy)

[goingsobertothehospital]

2010 Prom mates

Saw an old friend named J****. Its been 5 years since I’ve seen him. 5 years but he hasn’t changed a minute. He’s derailed to a life of selling drugs, moving houses, being in and out of prison, so on and so on.

Let me tell you a bit about J. We attended the same primary school, he joined I’d say around year 4 or 5. That must’ve been at least 2004, or ‘03. We weren’t close at all in primary school but we attended the same secondary school. Nobody knew who was going to what secondary school so we were pleased to see each other, at least one other person that we know in this new environment. We became a lot closer during this period. He defended me when other kids picked on me and I ignored them, he stood up for me. And I didn’t really do much for him in return. There are times he did piss me off, I suppose trying to impress other kids. But all in all, he had a good sense of friendship and some values.

Sadly towards the end of secondary school period, 2010. He derailed when he attempted to score the girl he fancied and failed. I didn’t hear from him again after summer 2010, for many reasons.

I didn’t have facebook, wasn’t big on twitter, msn etc the list goes on. I wasn’t social. 

The past 5 years I’ve only heard rumours about him. He’s only been a character. 

He tells me that he wished he listened in school, and stuck to what he was taught and adhered to a calmer life. He also tells me about fucking all these girls and stating who’s a whore and who’s not and how you can’t live in some places and be a virgin because of all the whores there. One of those places being where I worked and I thought to myself, yet I’m a virgin.

It was crazy seeing him anyway, we’ve exchanged numbers and we’ll speak again. It’s really funny how history repeats itself. Somewhat 10 years ago, I saw him on the bus and our reactions were the same as they were two days ago on Saturday 5/09/2015.

“o__O”