granulesofsand

[granulesofsand]

Silence vs Silence

🗝️🏷️ ITBC/programming

The way I differentiate between silence as trained verbal shutdown and the tendency of brains to shut off language during times of stress (or reliving stress) is whether it affects all language or just my English. If I could say the thing in French or ASL (even with shoddy construction), it’s usually a trained thing. Both can feel like being forced out of my body, and I’m not sure the feeling of having my jaw bound is unique to coerced responses.

Scramble is hard, too, because dissociation will just do that; make everything hard to process, either blipping in and out or sliding right off without soaking in. Sometimes it comes with a visual effect that makes the lighting look warmer than it is or the room darker, with shapes out of place.

The truth of it is that they’re probably related, and the only way I really know is if someone admits to having intentionally caused that change and having been trained to do it. Programs are taking the capacities of the mind and turning them against it. Sometimes it is specific methods of abuse and repetition, other times it’s building on natural defenses. Usually it’s both, and that’s why it’s difficult to untangle.

Either way, the solution is learning that this is not a threat like it used to be, and that we can handle it with the resources we have now, inside and out. Trauma taught one lesson, but we can learn another in the present.

[granulesofsand]

Today I asked for colorful clothing and was met with more judgmental looks than the one who asked for a literal dagger. And they got the dagger.

[granulesofsand]

Sorry if this is invasive, is programming only a plural thing? Is there a different term for that if it's a singlet? Sorry for asking you, you just seemed very educated in this. ^^"

Educated is a word for it. I’ve read a lot and my brain is loud. Take my words with a grain of salt.

Programming is inclusive to singlets when referring to coercive control (AKA mind control or brainwashing). Survivors of high control groups use it regardless of complex dissociative structure. Similarly, people say it sounds like science fiction or brings to mind stories they don’t want to be identified with. It’s a looser definition because it doesn’t necessitate torture like people here use it.

Alison Miller believes all cued behavior points to complex dissociative structures, but Miller believes many things I do not. You do you. Hold space for your own story and you’ll find your next destination.

[granulesofsand]

More systems should have acronym names. I would love to know what yours(&) stands for if you(&) use one

[granulesofsand]

We told our therapist we would write emails instead of in our notebook when memories come up. Some of us surface at night or at work and scrawl down their pieces, but the ones of us who didn’t know won’t read it out loud in session. There are too many details, or they name names, or it’s some other kind of Too Much.

I don’t want them to feel alike they are Too Much. Especially what’s in there now, those are not our secrets, not our shame, not our sickness. We were not and are not what was wrong with that picture. They were not what was wrong, even if they didn’t have the resources to be right.

We also told them we’d sign the emails, but uhhhh… gotta write em first. And we’re making such great progress on that (we are not making any progress on that).

[granulesofsand]

Every damn time it’s calm in our lives, I go looking for memories. I find alters, sometimes, and fragments of history, but nothing I can properly bring to therapy. If I’m looking, it’s not there.

If I decide I must have made it all up because look at the lack of memories, suddenly memories on the hour. And then I’m avoidant because I thought this was made up, and so much else is going on, and I really don’t have the capacity to know that right now.

Then it calms down and it’s gone again.

I have no idea how we’re making progress in therapy. I should probably ask what everyone else does on their turn, cause I’m hardly using mine.

[granulesofsand]

When I say “caused a split” I mostly mean the event was another stone on wet paper. If we were fabric, woven in memory and sewn into selves, the event would be a tear along grain. It might not pull that section away and it isn’t enough to make a new coat right then and there, but there wouldn’t be a coat without it.

[granulesofsand]

Fr working a 14hr shift talking amongst ourselves and our coworker goes “what did you say?” Bitch stfu I ain’t talking to you

For real working a fourteen hour shift talking amongst ourselves and our coworker goes: “What did you say?”

Bitch shut the fuck up I ain’t talking to you

[granulesofsand]

We got tired of fussing with our simplyplural and just have color groups now (cuz we’ve been color-coded since like 3). Forces us to pay more attention to our unique hues. I notice a chunk of us say their favorite color is their designated color. They sometimes decide otherwise once they realize why. It’s the first thing that comes to mind, and not everyone has felt fondness for the little things before. My color is a foggy teal, looking into the distance underwater. My favorite color is rich blue, seawater from above.

[granulesofsand]

I don’t love full immersion in our body. I can tolerate and enjoy it at times, but it leads to either everyone taking all the memories as they go or everyone trying to pour them together and interpret from multiple viewpoints at once.

I do like full synchronization. There’s a layer of depersonalization I find helpful, like virtual reality with all human senses included. I have the freedom to interact in our otherworlds as much as I need to without losing my focus externally. I do it a lot at work, especially with long shifts and switching between selves. I can effectively leave sticky notes in internal locations or ping insiders to communicate. Not as overwhelming on either side.

[granulesofsand]

We’ve honestly had an easier time explaining animal and fictive selves to outside people than brainmade human(?) selves.

At least in the circles we run in, it’s fairly common for people to have kintypes or similar phenomena even if they don’t use the same words for them. Even (especially older) queer folk. They know what it’s like to have an identity they aren’t allowed to claim, and so hold or have held somewhat away from themselves. Some of them have similarly scattered memories for other reasons. Their differences mean they understand. More than that, their differences mean they don’t have to.

People who are willing to learn come to accept all of us. They might protest our behavior or the way we’ve been treated in the past, but never that we exist. And if they did, I think we would be safe-enough to discuss that, too.

[granulesofsand]

While amulets are commonly conceptualized as necklaces, they can take the form of many objects. For example, a ring or pin. Like the one you might wear for plural pride. And say its curse is the reason you have headmates. For example.

[granulesofsand]

🗝️🏷️ discussions of sex/kink, dissociation/integration, and shame

I find the word ‘splitting’ to have a somewhat negative connotation, but most of that comes from the clinical idea that dissociation is bad/needs to stop. We don’t tend to have a clear lineage with our new folk, either, so it would be splitting off the system. We’ve also historically still needed previous selves while having that subconscious decision of “this isn’t working”, so traits get duplicated around rather than picked up and moved to a different container.

Even so, the actual splitting we’ve done has been adaptive, both at the time and in the present. We have someone who split out of housing-related stress that got the brunt of the anxiety, but is also super effective at solving those problems as they arise.

We’ve split along that line of sadistic/masochistic because the combination was creating situations where guilt was a turn-on — we needed a way to handle that without reinforcing perpetrator behavior. It was easier to confront and communicate about the interaction when it was multiple selves holding it. It’s even been integrative in some ways, because more of us are aware that we’re not alone in having this problem and can work through it together.

I don’t believe that dissociation is always maladaptive, including when the same form has been in the past. People can try their hand at whatever they choose, and it’s beautiful when it works out. I get to do that, too. So do you. Even if the next steps lead in one direction, we don’t have to be going the same way on the same path. Agency and critical thinking are goals for many dissociative traumatized folks, and this is an exercise in getting there.

this is an incredibly rambly post about "splitting" vs headmate creation, and the view of splitting as inherently maladaptive vs other forms as inherently neutral. this is not endorsement or encouragement to split on purpose, or a general statement on CDD system functionality in general, it's solely like. idk. just a breakdown of our experience

content warnings for. well. Intentional splitting (in the vaguely inaccurate CDD sense), mentions of sex, abuse, and self harm, and discussion of sadism in a sexual context

i want to preface this by saying we already struggle to differentiate intentional creation methods from intentional "splitting"; we have DID and frankly were under the impression that for people like us, these are kind of fundamentally the same thing

i no longer think this is true, because among people with CDDs, there seems to be this incredibly common notion that splitting is 100% bad, that it represents a regression in recovery, or that at the very least it is always a maladaptive coping mechanism that you would be better off discarding to use something else. i see this sentiment pretty consistently even from people who are extremely pro-endo- and willogenic and it has confused me and kind of settled me further into the alienation i feel from both endogenic and traumagenic communities

we split on purpose to cope with cognitive dissonance; additionally, we use heavy dissociation to relocate our memories, skillsets, and symptoms between ourselves as our circumstances change. it is of course important to keep in mind that our life is not perfect- there is always a possibility that our situation is so negatively impactful that the "maladaptive" methods we employ are simply all we have, but i think at this point i dont believe that, and i really can only make my point through a very personal example

i (this specific alter) have always struggled with healthy expressions of sexuality; my sexual behavior has always been heavily influenced by trauma, and i find it difficult to kindle any sort of pride or positive emotions about any of my sexual interests. a lot of sex was, for a very long time, a way to paradoxically punish myself for wanting to have it. relevant to this example, i leaned heavily into my masochism because my sadism scared me

i was like this my entire life. there was very little anyone could do to change my mind, because as much as i respected and was attracted to sadists/sadism, i simply could not internalize the idea that it may be scary but is not inherently evil for me to want to hurt other people consensually in a sexual context. i could rationally push myself to accept this notion for others, and i could live alongside and befriend them with this understanding, but i could not under any circumstances identify myself as a sadist- to do so would undermine my (deeply warped and unhealthy) self-image of someone who is Acted Upon during sex. so any attraction or desire i experienced surrounding the topic became incredibly distressing

this eventually resulted in an involuntary split, and an alter who ultimately ended up abusing me for several months as we struggled to come to terms with our collective feelings about sex

and then she split, again. whether or not it was truly intentional is frankly debatable, but it was something we had been thinking about for some time when it happened, and something we have done in the past. the result was two new alters, one holding not only her sadism, but also autistic and OCD traits that had previously been repressed or punished, in the form of A Special Boy Who I Love So So Much, and the other holding her religious inclinations, her gentleness/parental instinct, and ironically her temper, in the form of. well, the other guy's wife

now i share a mind and body with someone who i love deeply, and who is unashamedly sadistic, and not abusive. this level of proximity is unmatched; with him, i can functionally practice BEING sadistic in a healthy way without having to push through the cognitive wall of "that's not me. i dont want to be like that", and through this practice and trust in him i can slowly realize my own identity without being sent into a spiral of self hatred

so i do want to ask- what about that is more maladaptive than self harm with sex i don't want to have? what about that is more maladaptive than continuing to fake it until i make it, hating myself the entire time?

it is very hard to extend grace to yourself. it is very very hard for some people to make their internal voice any kinder, or to quell critical or anxious thoughts.

it is much easier to love and respect someone else.

For our system in particular, it is fundamentally easier, and frankly healthier, for us to acknowledge the things about ourselves that we don't like by learning to love each other in spite of (and later, because of) them. i was never going to get through the miles of social trauma and aversion to cringe and religious shame on my own, but because i love and trust and know and at times AM my headmates, i know that it's possible to exist peacefully in ways that frightened me

community and external support could probably also contribute to this, but in order for that to work i would have to overcome another hurdle- social phobia and general Autism Problems make it difficult for me to maintain consistent relationships with other people, and on top of that, i am an incredibly arrogant person who struggles to trust the judgment of others, especially when being provided validation or encouragement. i simply either dont trust that you mean it, or i dont trust that you actually know what you're talking about. i truly believe that this is never going to be fully solved; i think that this specific form of skepticism and distrust (note that i am NOT always right!) is genuinely partially wired into our mind. we need reason to believe you, and because you simply cannot be an expert in our mind nor do you have any true frame of reference for what we feel internally, we cannot trust you when you tell us it's okay to be/think/feel anything

and as far as ethical concerns wrt headmate creation for this purpose go, this is why i brought up our ability to intentionally dissociate to relocate memories and concepts. in a way that feels very similar to the process of splitting a new headmate, we can simply voluntarily trade traits that distress one member but are neutral or appealing to another. it's when no one can handle the trait that it gets "lost" and repressed, which we frankly DO consider maladaptive for our circumstances. but through this process we can functionally pause and continue the process of "headmate creation" indefinitely, forever.

tldr DID is confusing. plurality is confusing. i kind of have to just ignore what everyone calls healthy bc i think i tend to hurt myself to fit a mold on principle

[granulesofsand]

We’ve always been a system, since before memory. Aside from the ages and developmental stages of alters, we’ve been told of alters from then that are still around today. I can assume there was trauma early on because we were raised in a group and certain practices we witnessed done to others were fairly standard practice, but it’s a little late to ask (having cut contact and not having recollection of confessions). I say we’re protogenic because there was no before, and we can’t be certain why not.

The group we were raised in was religious in nature, so the framework we had was of angels and demons and ghosts. We were told we were possessed and otherwise find comfort in keeping the dead close. There was probably trauma there, too, but that doesn’t take the spiritual aspect away.

We have at least one created member guaranteed start-to-current no trauma. She might have been made possible through pre-existing dissociation, but singlets manage and we don’t know it was trauma that caused our initial multiplicity. We have a good few who we willingly called into existence and many more who were elaborated intentionally.

Then there’s the hallucinations we count as members. They’re convincingly sentient and appear in our innerworld as well as externally.

The daydream characters we’ve puppeteered for so long they act independently, including several who can take executive control.

You could argue that these phenomena are documented in supposed traumagenic systems, but there is a camp that disagrees that ego-syntonic alters should be counted the same.

Unusual presentations of complex dissociative disorders aren’t going to resonate with everybody, so the unique labels make communication possible. The mixed origins label is the simple way to say that we have these unusual experiences without announcing the details in every subcommunity.

I also don’t want to make it easier for anti-endos to sort through unusual experiences. I won’t default to contorting our ambiguity into boxes. If people are willing to approach with respect, we can talk. Otherwise, that’s our risk to weigh.

It’s the same reason we call ourselves multiple and plural; we acknowledge that we can exist within this framework, and also we retain the right to selves-determination. It’s about authenticity, not acceptance.

Guys if endogenic and traumagenic are origins of system hood, I don’t understand mixed origins? If you became a system due to trauma then you are traumagenic, even if your alters came to be in different ways after that your ability to split in the first place is still traumagenic. I feel like if everyone who started with trauma just used this format there’d be a lot less confusion from anti-endos as to what is going on.

I think this may be a good place to turn it over to mixed origin systems to explain their reasoning behind using the label and what their personal experiences with it are. If you'd like to help with this feel free to reblog or send asks.

[granulesofsand]

🗝️🏷️ mentions of (loss of) faith and sex

Sometimes people can tell we’re not present and ask what we’re thinking. Sometimes we actually are thinking. Unfortunately we are thinking about tentacle porn, the death of god, and therapy, and probably not how one might imagine with those words in that order. Answer given varies.

[granulesofsand]

So close to done with our finals, but looking back it is apparent these were written by different people. We get sloppy when we get tired ig. Anyway this last stretch has been bringing up some feels and whatever poor TA is grading these is probably like 🤨 kids these days

[granulesofsand]

A googly eye just landed on my essay outline like it fell from the sky. That’s a good example of a crazy story that makes sense in context.

I’ve never bought googly eyes. I sometimes feel as though they can see me. I worry that if something is observing me, I may be in danger I am unaware of. With that lens, I’m the crazy and the googly eye might not even be physically there (cause I hallucinate and that removes my credibility).

I’m not the only one in my body or in proximity to my book bag and pencil case. Two other associations I have of googly eyes are sneaky silliness and the social tendency to take similar features as expressive and sentient. This is not the first time a googly eye has fallen out of the clip bit of my pen, which gives the impression it just materialized. Now it’s just a crazy story.

I’m still crazy either way, because madness is insanity and insanity is impaired judgement. But the craziness of the googly eye isn’t necessarily what makes me crazy.

The googly eye in question: