granulesofsand

[granulesofsand]

I think being off social media is pretty good for us. I’m not being much more productive, I just have more time for fanfic and exercise now. Which is totally not why I’ve logged on. I love crunches mmhm.

[granulesofsand]

🗝️🏷️ system doubt, mentions of imitative DID

TL;DR: Breaking for self-exploration purposes. Might end up being DID or not, might end up still plural or not. If it isn’t DID there will be posts about it eventually.

I don’t quite understand how browser Tumblr works, so forgive whatever this looks like. Been having a denial moment lately. The first week or so was mostly “What if I am not a system and my symptoms are a lie?” which was not helpful on account of making the symptoms worse. Unprecedented, I assure you. (This is the usual result.) Currently, it’s taking the shape of “What are the symptoms?” which has been more helpful but has required time both looking at real examples and not looking at any examples. This is probably gonna take a while.

It’s not a secret that our/my (gonna try singular today) presentation has imitative features. The problem is that it isn’t just imitative features. I have a lot of symptoms that don’t group well together that I’m fairly certain I’m not making up.

I do still watch myself behave in ways I have Opinions about, but that are not necessarily shameful. I still can’t make time linear or remember what I have evidence I’ve done but wasn’t me. I relate to the sense of not-me. But I also don’t look much like the people with CDDs in academic texts. I wonder if I have enough of that phobic avoidance to sustain compartmentalized selves (self-states, parts, the not-me others). If I didn’t just make up my trauma and twist around absorption/role-switching to get the confusion I have now. Basically I’m pestering my therapist about what else it might be and they are going “it doesn’t matter as long as you experience it”.

So I’m trying offline for a while longer. This’ll be the end of the queue, just to explain instead of falling off the face of Tumblr. I always did say that if I was wrong, I would want to be upfront about it. I’m not sure I am, and my not coming back isn’t an admittance of my imitating DID. It might be a while before I figure anything out. Or it might be tomorrow, who knows.

If I do decide this is not and was not DID, I’ll probably yap about that, too. There are not a lot of resources on Imitative DID besides telling patients in clinical settings they don’t have it and setting them loose (let me know if you(&) have something else, though) and might as well have someone do it. Also no promises on how that’ll affect my plurality (that’s a sentence).

I’ll be back when I’m back. Don’t miss me too much.

[granulesofsand]

If you(&) have an innerworld or similar, does practicing physical hobbies there help your progress in shared reality? Think sports, gymnastics, skateboarding, etc.

I’m always concerned that the proprioception isn’t going to match or it’ll work purely because I want it to in our otherworlds.

I have noticed I’m better for the practice and can pull off moves I’ve only worked on there in the body. It takes mental energy and some similar experience in shared reality to get the sensation down, but it works. Even if it’s just the confidence boost, I’ll take it.

[granulesofsand]

Systems who share hobbies, are you better at it because of your systemmates?

We share skills sporadically, so usually no for us. I think maybe crochet comes easier to me than a singlet, but I never was a singlet to know if I just picked it up a bit quicker on my own. Even similar skills don’t follow, like my inability to put yarn on knitting needles despite some of the others using complex patterns.

I don’t mind it cause I have my own hobbies, but I’m sometimes jealous that my improvement is limited by time in the body.

[granulesofsand]

Me hyping myself up like

My amnesia ain’t that bad

I know what my body looks like

Turn around

Junpscared by the mirror

[granulesofsand]

One of our friends is banned from lifting pretty much anything post-op. I was at a party and someone asked how they got a box upstairs alone. I was ready to pounce on them for carrying it when there were people around to help. They pointed at me. One of us had apparently brought the box upstairs. We may have amnesia after all.

[granulesofsand]

Much as I love running around in armor and hitting people with sticks, I have more bruises from the loaner gear than the weapons

[granulesofsand]

I do introduce myself to a select few people by name. I also share a body with extroverts who introduce themselves to a number that is neither select nor few. Too many people know me by a name that isn’t mine. Might as well let them get it right sometimes.

[granulesofsand]

I think reading fanfiction tones down my overall weirdness in that I recognize myself in the writing of 12 yos who are not doing okay

[granulesofsand]

Plural is an opt-in label. It means more than one. The minimum count is 1*, not even 2. The not-quite multiple are who plurality was meant to include. It’s not being overt or separate or amnestic or distressed that makes you(&) plural, because diagnosis is irrelevant and those are all criteria. Median and midcontinuum folk are as plural as anymany. Only you(&) get to decide whether you(&) count.

[granulesofsand]

We’ve been on a trend lately.

*Horrific flashback*

Everyone in proximity: Thank you for telling us.

It’s like a chorus of new moms who don’t remember the last time they slept. Or an AA meeting where no one brought the coffee. 10/10 supportive, so enthusiastic 100% all the time.

[granulesofsand]

I get told off pretty often for not realizing apparently obvious signs of heat-related illness, which I say is because it’s about the same as a flashbacky day.

Confusion

Slurred speech

Dizziness

Rapid pulse

Falling unconscious

Like yeah, thats how it goes sometimes.

[granulesofsand]

My attachment to being a bad person is probably not the healthiest mindset, but it’s working out for me. I could never be good enough — the only alternative in that dichotomy is being bad. I don’t have to be performing badness like I would goodness.

I’m a better person calling myself bad. It’s not shame, it’s a disagreement over what it means to be good. Morality matters far less than the decision I can live with. I’m not sure I know what morality means.

[granulesofsand]

I aspire to be the kind of multiple who forgoes “I don’t remember that” for “I’m not [whoever does]”. It’s perfectly menacing.

[granulesofsand]

Trying to be present for flashbacks has been an experience. Usually we stuff memories away as soon as possible, so it’s either a little clip that I don’t remember after or I wake up in the closet and time has passed without me. This is different.

I got a projective memory like I haven’t for probably years, at least to that degree. My workplace looked like somewhere from childhood. I saw an abuser’s face over someone I should have known. I wasn’t aggressive towards them, but I did leave to hide in a dark corner for a while.

My dissociation has come with weights and darkened vision since. Like I’m squinting harshly when I’m not. It feels like being pulled through the floor. I can ground if I’m avoiding the memories, but not if I’m trying to process them.

The others know through the grapevine what I went through. It’s not that I need to be quarantined so they don’t find out. It’s probably just overwhelm, the stress and shame of the process. Or my brain just didn’t get the memo. It’s not known for peak communication.

[granulesofsand]

We have at least four selves from 2-5 years old that are still around today. There are others we think are from that age range, but these four were before memory and confirmed through stories outside people remembered.

Two were/are twins. They look alike, are always together, and literally respond to the same name. The difference is one personifies helplessness and the other omnipotence. The first used to talk to someone who “came from the tree”, which was a story we’d heard before. Later, when we asked if we ever had an imaginary friend, we were told we used to reserve a seat for him by name. They both claim control for different stories.

Another our grandmother would have called a devil because she gave some irresponsible advice and whoever was fronting was like “okay :D” and did it. The person telling the story thought we were trying to drown our stuffed animals in a trough, but she says she wanted them to have a bath. Never did find out who did the bathing. I assume they were washed after that.

The last was right around the age we were first learning to read, which was young for us because we were read to often. She used to insist her name was the same as a character in a book, before we could get through that book alone. She was one of the ones who got dressed up and had her identity enforced, but other adults thought we were just playing pretend.

Oddly enough those are all different presentations, but we still do have them all today. I don’t know that alters before memory are supposed to be possible, but they exist at least in the present. Do y’all have similar stories?

[granulesofsand]

Our therapist keeps asking ‘why’ questions I have no idea how to answer. Yesterday they asked me why I was a coyote. Why I thought I wasn’t good enough to be a liked animal. Why I want to stay this way.

Some of those I can improvise for. But it’s like asking why they showed up for therapy today; it’s my job, it’s part of my identity, it’s my responsibility. Sure, they could say they’re concerned about us or enjoy our company, and those might not be lies, but it’s not the heart of it.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to say, so I give some context and hope it’s close enough to get off the hook.

There’s a voice in my brain that points and says “avoidance,” like I don’t already know. I’ll think about it, but I’m not sure I’m ready to really dissect it. Not sure I can yet.