gratitudesblog - Tumblr blog

[gratitudesblog]

Allow people the pleasure of helping you. They get joy from giving to you. Say yes, be grateful and say thanks. Don't take that away from them.

This was told to me by a very wise woman who changed my life immensely.

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Morning musings... recovering from codependency and addiction to everything, I am amazed I am alive and thriving. I found some writing from a couple of years ago that made me realize how much further I have come along this path than I had realized. My life now is peaceful. I treasure my calm and serenity.

It has taken me all of my 64 years on this Earth to finally accept myself warts and all. Radical acceptance as the professionals call it. I call it liking all of me. Learning you have to see people for who they are. Most everyone will show you all, within the first few minutes of talking to them. It's weird if you pay attention.

Trusting your intuition. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Go with your first instinct. Your body doesn't lie. Listen to it. We all know when something or someone feels off. Do we act on what we feel...or do we ignore it. Learning to trust yourself is hard, especially if you have been so wrong before.

Love yourself. Self-care and acceptance. I have learned on my journey towards self awareness... going through the dark night of the soul is an actual thing. When I started to take care of my physical body, my soul had a chance to reconnect. I had so hated my physical body for most of my life. I ignored it. I probably was the only morbidly obese starving woman around. It took reclaiming myself, wart and all... baby steps forward. Learning to do self-care and not feel guilty that I was taking some time to actually think about my physical wants and needs. Not always putting someone or something else before me. My needs and mental health come first. It's really hard for an overgiver and pleaser, codependent person. I have learned to set firm boundaries. Baby steps have taken me miles. I now know what I am willing to accept and what I am not. I know I am a very giving, kind person

My life is now blessed. I am so grateful. My life has a purpose to be a beacon of hope. The more I love myself the more love I have to give others.

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Late night musings ... Reflection seems to be the name of the game these days. Maybe because it's the change of the Astrological Year could be a factor. It also could be the change in Seasons. IT'S SPRING. I officially hate Winter. I'm saying it out loud. I see the pictures of all of you skiing and I am very happy for you really I am. I hope you won't take this wrong but when you are poor and can't walk, skiing is not high on the list of things you want or need to do.

I'm ranting. I've lived a life in the shadows for most of my life. Never allowing my truest self to be seen. I was always on guard. It had become a necessity in my old life. Not anymore.

I escaped the crazy island. Left all the other inhabitants there. It's unbelievable to me most days. I'm living a life I never imagined was possible for someone like me. I answer, to myself. I can come and go as I please for the first time ever. I am so grateful.

My life is pure bliss. When you have clawed your way back from the depths of darkness into the light. I have a true understanding for the expression

It is always darkest before the Dawn.

Having gone through the dark night of the soul and made it through to the other side. I have to agree. This journey I have undertaken is not for the weak, or the egotistical. You must be willing to examine everything about yourself good and bad. Acceptance is key.

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Past musings...my life is so complicated right now. I'm being given exactly what I've been manifesting for the last year and I find myself asking them to please understand my life. I'm finally ready. It has taken me years to be here. I am ready to leave the past where it belongs but I gave my word. My word is my bond. I can't leave someone when they are in need.

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Searching

Are you real

Do you exist

For a moment I believed it was you.

I was fooled once again

I took the chance

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Late night ramblings...I cut off my hair and feel so much lighter. It's as though I have taken off my disguise. My appearance has changed so radically in the last decade I am not sure what I look like.

I was never a person to do things small. No, I had to go big or go home as the saying goes. I wish there was a real home to go to. Hindsight is 20/20 as the saying goes.

I have been on this journey of self discovery and gratitude for almost a decade. I'm amazed at how much my life has changed because my perspective has changed.

I was always the person who was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now I believe that I can and will make the experience what I need to be.

I give of myself freely to those who I believe truly are grateful and if I was in their shoes I know they would help me.

I am learning to be happy. It is very hard when you are very used to being sad all the time. Being happy and okay, good I guess is the way some lucky people always live. I am happy to join them. I will just be. It is warm and comfy here. I like it.

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Loneliness

Will you answer when I call

Will you be there when I cry

Are you sure you still love me

Do you want me at all

I wait for you all day

You are always busy

There is no room for me

I don't talk anymore

Because I know you're not listening

You seem to have a world

Yet I am alone

Why do you need me too

When you have everyone else

I can't sit and wait for you

To have time to share

To be told to leave a room

Whenever you wanted time and privacy

It isn't me you really want

It's just me you want wanting

Always wanting and waiting and being there always

When you get home.

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All Alone

What do you do when you can't sleep at night

And your dreams are haunting

How do you overcome your fears

Are you shouting into an empty room

Waiting for the sound to bounce back from the walls

Who is there to hear your screams

You know there is no one who will come

The look of your loneliness is breaking my heart

No one will catch you if you fall

You must stand by yourself

You must walk the path alone

Try not to harden your heart

The journey is yours alone now

You have been left waiting too long

Always the one to depend on

Now you need someone to depend on

Yet there is no one at all

You are all alone, so it goes.

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Waiting

I am sorry I love you as much as I do

It is my fault not yours

I can't change - not can you

You love me as much as you can

I know

There are others you want more than me

I know

I'm sorry I can't be waiting for you anymore

It is my fault not yours

I can't change - nor can you

I want someone who is patiently waiting for me

The way I wait for you

I want to be the one who is wanted

Not always the one who wants

It is my fault not yours

I can't change -nor can you

It is my fault not yours

It is my fault not yours

Goodbye.

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Will you haunt my dreams forever

Only the memory of your face

I can count our days together

Gone without a trace

If only we could have resolved our conflict

But the future is mine without you

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Afternoon musings... it's so hard to imagine you have been gone for 36 years. You never got to see... maybe you were lucky. Always know you are missed...my life has never been the same since you left this world.

I'm feeling as though I have finally awoken from a terrible nightmare. Listening to Dr Ramani on YouTube and her Podcast, has taught me so much about myself and what I have been through... there's a name for what I have worked through...who knew. I am thriving. Thank you Dr Ramani for helping me understand the people who were very instrumental in my old world. I'm doing my best to keep them out of my universe now.

I've always felt as though I have kept part of my Soul safe. This is a real thing. It is called Soul Distancing. You are keeping that special part of you safe from those who wish you harm.

I no longer allow those people in my universe. My Soul and body have reconnected...life is glorious. I will be grateful for all I am given. My time and energy are here for only good. Random acts of kindness are going to help with the pathway forward.

Self-care is key...the key to success is self-care. Without it you have nothing left to give. That is hard when you are living in the eye of the storm. I am not being selfish, I am being human.

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Morning musings... music 🎶 as soothes this tired soul. My headphones 🎧 have become my refuge from the world. I need the peace of my own universe where I am EMPRESS...

I'm accepting my demons, along with the attributes... accepting everything about myself. I am who I am.

What I can change is how I react to different situations...where I set my boundaries.

Every situation now needs to be examined. Do you reply because you feel you should or do you answer truthfully. I'm stopping and trying to live every minute with a purpose and myself in mind.

I thought this would make me selfish at first...I am finding just the opposite has happened. When you do things that make your heart sing and you no longer have regret or resentment. Joy, happiness, peace and gratitude can be yours.

Being kind makes your inner light shine... kindness begets kindness...one random act... ripples...

Just my thoughts for today... raining here in New England.

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10 posts!

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Learning to be present...in the moment. I would never have believed how hard it is to just slow down and pay attention to the small details. Watching birds has become my latest activity. It takes a lot of calm and presence to watch birds. Let me tell you... especially when your mind wanders... you have to stop everything... the guilt for just watching birds and not doing anything useful...where did that come from... Self-care is not selfish... unlearning everything I have ever been taught. When I stop myself from doing something because they won't approve...who are "THEY"...Self acceptance is such a long process. Letting go of all the fallacies I was taught along the way has been difficult yet ohh so necessary to my growth.

Life is learning daily... how people stay stagnant as I once did...I can't allow myself to accept that anymore... maybe I never did and that is why I am still here striving for better not just for me... I am working to make the world a better place one act of kindness at a time. It makes my heart sing... I am so grateful to have this opportunity. I am so blessed.

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Living with grief is so hard...death is final. I almost wish I had the luxury of being a widow. I just lived a lie for 37 years. I played along... I'm as much at fault as he was. When your whole life has been a lie... what difference does that make... I am ready to put it in the past now. I'm not that woman anymore. I'm a thriver. I take the world by Storm. I am the EMPRESS of my universe.

I am watching my best friend grieve her husband. They had a loving 35 year marriage. He was one of the good ones. I haven't been lucky that way.

We are at different stages in our journeys. I am here for her as long as she needs me...I am ready to meet my someone and start my journey anew Things are just moving so fast right now and I am ready to run.

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My new journey continues as does the transformation. I was joking calling myself Barbie for short while. It seemed fitting at the time. I was dressing up a body that I didn't quite own yet.

It has taken me 5 1/2 years to be ready. I am no longer a divorced woman. I am single and free.

I am my own person. I am no longer the woman I was. I don't recognize myself most days.

I feel like Sleeping Beauty. I went to sleep for 37 years and now I am looking to experience what I didn't.

It's just waiting out there. Watch out nothing is holding me back now