hereliessyd

[hereliessyd]

It’s been so long since I posted and what I’m about to post has nothing to do with what I usually post about on here…

But I’m so confused and I don’t know who to talk to. So my best friend(female and straight) was out one night with one of her friends and they were drinking and she drunk texted and was like “wish you were here” and I saw it that night but didn’t get time to respond and forgot and went to sleep, and I woke up the next morning and was gonna text her just to notice the next was deleted… I’m confused on why she would delete it. And I cant ask her, especially now cause it’s been a few days and she probably doesn’t even remember now… I’m so confused cause she’s never deleted a text like that before

[hereliessyd]

I haven’t posted on this account in a hot minute but I need to rant/vent rn and my best friend is asleep so this is my next option lmao. I also forgot I have this account, an account I made so I can rant and vent.

CW/TW- mention of sh and ed. swearing. mention of su!c!d3 attempt.

I don’t even know where to start with this rant/vent

I think there’s something something mentally wrong with me but I have a hard time talking about my problems to people who can actually help. Um.. also I’m so fucking terrified to grow up, and I also think once I move out I probably won’t come back. I hate everything that goes on in my head because it gets so bad sometimes but I cant put into words how it gets sometimes so I cant even explain it to someone if I wanted to. I’m also so scared to fall back into my bad eating habits and my sh habits. It’s also been over a year now since my su!c!d3 attempt that no one actually knows about and too scared to tell anyone and I haven’t attempted since so I think I’m okay. I wish life wasn’t so hard and stressful and exhausting, I don’t even do anything with my life yet here I am complaining about it.

There’s more I want to say but I have no fucking idea how to put it into words lol

[hereliessyd]

Vent

This might be triggering, I don’t actually know if it is but I’m still gonna say it is just in case, nevermind, this could definitely be triggering. My bad, sorry

TW!!!! Mention on un@living and school

Im so done

Like actually so fucking done

I keep getting sick and stuff and I’ve only gone to school like a day and half this year. But I keep getting accused of faking which yk what, I do see where they are coming from but like I wish I was faking this, and it’s so fucking annoying getting accused of faking.

And yea sometimes I do exaggerate how sick I feel but at the same time in my head my options are either go to school and un@live myself or stay home and sleep all day with like a 50/50 chance of me un@living(I say 50/50 cause at this point anything could possibly push me over the edge and end with me actually going through with un@living)

[hereliessyd]

Maybe TW!!!(I don’t actually know if this is gonna be a triggering post but just in case it is)

I don’t know how much longer I can do this

I’ve rel@psed so much thi summer so I know it’s gonna be bad during the school year

School starts tomorrow and I don’t think I can deal with it, my social anxiety is really bad rn

I’m so done with everything and I might just ūn@l!ve myself, I probably will but it’s okay. I’ve already lived longer then I thought I was gonna

[hereliessyd]

Tw!!! Mention of Bl00d and Cūtt!ng

-

I was sitting with my sibling and I left cause I had a really strong urge to 🔪

And I forgot to clean the 🩸off my hand

Fuck my life

They also almost walked in on me 🔪

[hereliessyd]

Tw!!!

[hereliessyd]

Tw!! Mention of Su1c1d3

I don’t agree with the whole “su1c1d3 is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” or whatever tf the saying is

To me it’s a permanent to every temporary problem. Permanent solution to every problem I may have.

And with me believing that rather then the actual saying makes it all much more dangerous. That means that regardless of what someone says it’s not gonna change what I think, isn’t gonna change the fact that I want to d13.

And knowing that scares me

[hereliessyd]

Cūtting is a dangerous game that I wish I never started playing

[hereliessyd]

I’m so done

I’ve made too many un@living myself jokes recently that I feel like people are gonna know that I’m thinking about it

[hereliessyd]

I’m not okay

It’s gotten so much worse

Like now my dreams are attacking me

Like I’ve had dream about the shit that I think about all day

I constantly feel like a disappointment to my father and part of my dream last night was him telling me how shitty of a daughter I am

It was fucked and I feel like shit now

[hereliessyd]

I wanna kill myself so bad… like I really might just kill myself tonight or tomorrow… I dunno yet but I really wanna die

[hereliessyd]

Here’s my problem

I hate shaving but I hate body hair and I don’t like waxing and I cant get laser hair removal

So I just suffer with shaving, tbh it’s kinda therapeutic cause it’s the only time I feel safe enough with a blade of some sort. Like when I shave I’m not scared I’m gonna get an urge to SH

[hereliessyd]

Fairly new blog

My name is Syd

I’m 18 years

I’m pansexual

And my pronouns are she/her

If you want/need to talk to someone my snap is

@hereliessyd

🖤

This blog can possibly triggering at times but it’s mostly just a place where I can just get stuff off my chest, where I can rant. There are times I might mention SH or ED or sewerslide. So I give full trigger warning on my blog even if not all posts mentioned anything triggering

Hope you have an amazing day :)

[hereliessyd]

This is unrelated to mental health

But holy fucking shit, I have really bad fucking cramps that make me feel like I’m gonna die. And I don’t have a heating pad or anything cause usually I could just power through when my cramps get really bad but like I cant stand cause they hurt so bad. Like for some reason they are just hitting me so hard rn

[hereliessyd]

And it has now went downhill

Fuck, I’m so happy rn but I’m so scared for it all to go downhill

[hereliessyd]

Fuck, I’m so happy rn but I’m so scared for it all to go downhill

[hereliessyd]

I thought I had seasonal depression in like dec-jan but I don’t think that’s true. Like I believed that it’s worse in the winter but I relapse the most in spring and summer, so I don’t believe it’s worse in the winter.