highschoolovesme - Tumblr blog

[highschoolovesme]

[highschoolovesme]

So It's been a while but here's an update.

Austin

A friend I met in freshman year and had a short, week long little fling with at the beginning of Sophomore year. We have the same group of friends so we've hung out as friends for a while, but we weren't really all that close anymore. He was kicked out of his house back in December and moved in with our friend Billy. He lived with him until about March or so when Billy moved to California, and moved in with me. I didn't like the idea, but I mentioned to my mother that I was worried about him and then she invited him to stay with us.

At the time, I was in a sort of 'relationship' with a guy I've been talking to since my freshman year. His jealousy of Austin living with me tore us apart and only added onto one of the reason why I feel out of love with him. I broke up with him and Austin's girlfriend dumped him.

Now as two sexually frustrated teenagers, we saw an opportunity and took it. We had fun, and he fell in love with him, as he says. I didn't like this and tried to run away from it, but I couldn't since he was living with me. There was tension and we fought and it drove a wedge between us that just fuled my anger. My family loved him, and when I asked for him to be kicked out, I was secluded. After what happened between us, I felt degraded and embarrassed.

At this point he's living with his girlfriend. Although for a while I was incredibly depressed and filled with self loathing, I've finally started picking myself up again. I don't think about him and I've finally gotten rid of every way we communicated between each other.

California

My Marine brother lives in San Diego, CA, - now I'm thinking Oceanside - with his super cool wife Liz. Steve (my brother, obviously) is currently in North or South Carolina for some sort of training because he has to get out of infantry since he's had two heat strokes.

Since about sometime my freshman year, they've been wanting me to come move in with them, away from my unhealthy house. How it looks right now is that at the end of this coming August, I will be driving with Steve from Texas to California and I'll stay out there for my senior year.

Now although I am on board for being safe and happy, I'm just now starting to regret choosing to leave. I've gotten close with my half sister and biological mother again, I met a really wonderful guy who had made me pretty happy, and I think I may actually miss spending my Senior year with my friends.

It's hard to make this ultimate decision, but I know I'll be happier over there away from all of this. Now all I have to worry about is how I'm going to bring everything over.

Everything else

I've honestly only just recently gotten out of my depressing funk of not communicating with anyone for a full month. I couldn't handle being around other people, they were draining me. Now I love to be around other people, in fact I was just hanging out with someone tonight. Sadly, though, I did decide I had to come home and didn't end up spending the night like we intended. I was being drained by being around others again and I'm not sure what to do right now.

Also, I got new glasses and my doctor thinks I have a chance of having glaucoma so we need to get it officiated to be sure.

I need to cut my hair because I don't have bangs anymore.

I've started to become incredibly artistic lately. I need to get some paint.

Lastly, my birthday is this Friday, and it's Tuesday. I had plans to spend it with my biological mom and sister, but apparently mom is out of the state doing work. I also wanted to have a real birthday party with my family. Just something nice and small, one last time before I leave.

[highschoolovesme]

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but I felt the need to say some stuff since there was big event last night.

My step-sister Rachel and I got into an argument that lead to her beating me up and then ended with her getting a ticket. Now, just for the setting to really make sense- Rachel is a 30-something year old woman. She's probably 5'5, maybe 5'6 and weighs in at about 130-50 lbs. I am a 16-year-old girl. I'm 5ft and I weigh only 80 lbs.

Usually, when she does come over, we get into a lot of arguments and she has hit me once before (though that was a long time ago). This time, you couldn't have seen any sort of agression coming. We argued with calm voices, didn't use any negative words, everything was fine. Then she suddenly flips, yells in my face, and before I can say anything or move away, she grabs me by my arms and drags me away fromw here I was standing. I start trying to push her off, but I can't- so then I react by pulling her hair to get her off. Of course, this doesn't do anything besides piss her off and she just starts hitting me. She beats me up all the way from the living room to the kitchen, I fall, she keeps beating me up, I get up and threaten her, she keeps punching me all the way to the back door. That's a good 15-20 ft of her just punching me; me helplessly attempting to punch her back.

I tried to call the police, but she took the phone from me and kept yelling in my face. I managed to slip past her, run to my dad's room and call him to come home. I check out my marks now, then I can hear Rachel yelling so I go listen. She says all these terrible hateful things about me, then comes into dad's room and has the audacity to tell me she's sorry. I told her after what she did and those things she said, she can't just say sorry expect me to forgive her. I informed her that I already called dad and I wanted her out of the house.

Rachel got a class C ticket (like speeding) for assult, but they were tempted to give me one until they compared us. Dad said he wanted to pay for half of it, but I'm not sure if he actually is. As for my marks, I have a swollen, busted up lip (bruising on inside), a red mark where it seems a knuckle may have got me under my nose, scratches on my arm, a couple knots on my head in different areas, and my nose (which has already been battered up) is even more sore than normal and looks to be a bit swollen as well.

[highschoolovesme]

[highschoolovesme]

Sometimes I have sudden bursts of energy. I want to play with my niece, work out, eat healthy, tell jokes, do my school work. But before I can act upon that energy, it goes away. I just sit there, avoid physical contact, no shower, chips, no jokes, sleep.

[highschoolovesme]

ive got hw. what am i doing.

I'm just gonna fail highschool...

high school fucking hates me.

[highschoolovesme]

My lame faded homemade tattoo I did earlier this summer. It was supposed to be a heart, but I got too whimpy and couldn't handle it... So we let it stay a seagull. Gettin it touched up when I'm older.

[highschoolovesme]

First day of junior year was pretty dandy. The only cons were that my schedule was fucking me sideways, I desperately needed a belt, and I have lunch with a bunch of sophomores. I'm already stressing out and feeling unattractive. This isn't even fucking two days in and I'm already beating myself up. Wutdoido. All in all though, I missed it and I'm honestly excited(:

[highschoolovesme]

Ocean. Motherfucking. Cervantes. That asshole.

He's talking to me again. What did I do? What did I fucking do to deserve him again? I've been telling myself I'm over him completely. COMPLETELY. What is this bullshit.

I know if I start talking to him again, I'll fall in love with him in .02 seconds because I've just been putting all these feelings in a box that's been locked up and thrown into him to swim with the fishes.

But he's back, and just that hey is giving back that box in .02 seconds and I miss the fuck out of him and I don't know what to do. I think I've matured. Taken some time to get to know him and figure my shit out, but what is this? I can't tell whether I miss him or not. I love him, I thought I was over him but what.

[highschoolovesme]

HEY! IM VLOGGING HERE!

So, I've decided I'm going to vlog a bit. Check it out, because I'd love some love. Here's my first video.

I'm really honestly excited about this because jesus this is such a big part of my life. Not me vlogging, but others vlogging. CTFxC is my family, I guess. And the SHAYTARDS make me incredibly happy when I'm down. I love this and I wanna try it. I hope it works out well for me.

[highschoolovesme]

I'm in driving school and it's pretty okay. I mean, it counts as a birthday present along with the iPod my parents got me.

But I just got done talking with my brother on the phone for about an hour. I love him and I look up to him, but I'm SO terrible at talking with him. I'm nervous and I don't want him to think I'm some punk kid that says and does stupid things. So I just laugh and go along with his jokes and try my best to contribute to the conversation.

Anyways, it was great talking to him again. He's a 35-year-old marine who lives in California with his super awesome wife. He's also super chill and hilarious. Some people think he's like my dad or something, but he acts like my big brother. Man I miss him.

[highschoolovesme]

So now I'm 16...

Not gonna lie, I do honestly feel older. Most of the time you can't tell, but I feel like I have matured since my 15th birthday- physically and mentally in both bad and good ways.

But you know, I'm just gonna wait and see what happens for the rest of the day. (7.11.1997)

[highschoolovesme]

My old "friend" who I just used as a weed supplier slept with this guy I had a thing for. She popped up in my life again on independence day and I said fuck it because I wanna get high and I let her know I think she's untrustworthy little cunt so now we're on a good level. *

My little 14-year-old sister is really depending on me lately to keep her mentally and physically healthy. At first, I was going along with it... Now I'm not so sure because I'm feeling like shit personally and it's becoming a very difficult thing for me to keep up with while I'm just trying to keep up with myself.

Speaking of that, Mom hasn't mentioned any fucking appointment to me recently although I've had to remind her several times. But apparently she's told my brother and I'm assuming my brother told his wife. I don't mind them knowing because I love them and trust them, but I'm really uneasy because I'm more than sure she is going to (if she hasn't already) told everyone on her side of the family. My mother has a big fucking mouth.

I kinda feel like shit but hey, that's life right?

*Fireworks are fucking amazing when you're high. Seriously guys... That was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my entire life so far... I'll remember that forever.

[highschoolovesme]

It's all done.

I finally was able to discuss with my parents what's been going on. It used to be a big problem, but I feel good now. I don't regret anything and it's a big load lifted off of my chest.

Dad wasn't nearly as understanding as I assumed and Mom ended up being the much more helpful parent, so it kind threw me for a curve ball. Either way, they know what's going on for the most part and I feel much, much better.

I owe a big thanks to Jack for helping me for like I'm not the only one this whole time, Jaz for helping me feel constantly loved and understood, and JonMikel for giving me some moral support that oddly wasn't felt from any other friends I had.

[highschoolovesme]

God fucking dammit.

Karen (1) slept with Greg (2). She didn't want to tell me. They were both fucked up on meth. She's fucked up right now as she talks to me. I'm done.

Depression is back, I just wanna get high and sleep all fucking day and just sit and cry. But my sister is here so I can't just scream and cry and let it out right now so it's going to end up staying built in for an incredibly long time.

I'm probably losing weight since I haven't been able to finish a whole meal for 5 days and I haven't eaten much at all today. My stomach is growling but I just can't make myself go eat.

A "best friend" I've kept around just avoid being lonely. She was my supplier for quite some time. She was babbling about how important I was to her and insisting how I need to date Greg and how great he was for me before she slept with him.

An okay guy. He's okay cute, okay romantic, okay nice, okay funny, okay smart. I like him and he's not gonna treat me like shit. I'm fine with him going and sleeping with other girls because we were NEVER exclusive, but it was Karen.

[highschoolovesme]

[Left to Right: Arianna, Susannah, Mike, Megan, Victoria, Trey, Me, Riley, and our Client]

I went on an amazing mission trip. Although I'm not Christian, I went because being around the youth group makes me happy. But the high of being around them leaves me feeling down so being around them around for an entire week kinda leaves me feeling dead and dried out.

I made a few friends from the work team and I grew closer to some people I already knew. It was a great time, I really did love it.

My work team was fucking amazing. They motivated me to keep working even after I stepped on a nail on my first day. It was awesome possum. (No, I just kept working because the rents spent a lot of money for me to go, so if I didn't work... It was money wasted. lol)

Actually, about that nail... I stepped on it and it really fucking hurt trying to walk. It was swollen and it sucked for a while, but I eventually got over it. Speaking of that, I need to go take my meds.

I loved everyone on my team and everyone I met in general. JonMikel is my venting friend, Blaine is a really funny dude, and Kyndal was my injury buddy. I'm going again next year.

[highschoolovesme]

I told a friend I was smoking.

I have a friend who's a college drop-out. She was a big part of my life since middle school, and she's always kind of been a mentor for me because she's understanding of a lot of things I'm going through.

She is really against any drug that can put any sort of influence on you, but she's fucking in love with alcohol. When I told her I was smoking weed and I have been since early on in sophomore year, she lost it. Her main points of the argument was that I was ruining my life, it only got worse from here, and I shouldn't self-medicate.

What I told her started off with the 100% truth, but when she started threatening to tell my parents, I backed off, added white lies, and eventually just a straight up lie. I started off by telling her when I started smoking, that originally it was half because I wanted to try it and half because I thought it would help my depression slowly hide. Then I started white lies saying I only smoked when my depression was getting really bad and I know where it all comes from. Then I just told her I was going to stop smoking very soon.

I'm going to keep smoking weed because I like it. It isn't harmful. The other drugs are, but I'm not going into any of those simply because I don't wanna fuck myself over and end up like my mother. I'm going to keep smoking weed because it makes me feel better. When my depression gets really bad, it helps calm me down and make things feel like it's not all gone. I'm also going to keep smoking weed because this guy Greg is now my current crush and supplier. I don't have to pay for anything if I get it from him. (Even though I've never payed for shit before... Thank the heavens.)

I didn't mean for this post to be long, but I needed a fucking rant and I haven't posted on here in a while anyways. If anyone has any questions and they want me to clear up anything, askkk.