hnngwy

[hnngwy]

autumn dark academia

finally time for your favorite knitted sweaters and turtlenecks

carving your favorite quotes and book characters into pumpkins

going on evening walks, listening to classical music while looking at all the beautiful trees

finding coffee shops and getting your favorite seasonal beverages

going to a second-hand bookstore, finding  a new cafe and reading your new books right away

sitting under a tree as you read and study, occasionally pulling leaves out of your hair

snuggling up in a cozy armchair, tossing a blanket over your lap, and reading to the light of a pumpkin scented candle

decorating your room and bookshelf with skulls and other assortments

putting your headphones in to listen to podcasts as you rake leaves

staying up all night reading by a window, looking outside occasionally at the streetlamps, wondering if the ghost of oscar wilde is out there somewhere

ink smears on your fingers as you annotate poetry, looking out the window at the colors

opening a window to let the cool autumn air in as you study, a leaf blowing through and landing on your desk

[hnngwy]

“high school” or “first loves are great unless they don’t feel the same way”

after blythe baird. sort of.

draft i.

this is how to flirt with a girl for months on end before she tells you she “doesn’t wanna ruin our friendship.”

this is walking past a girl in the hallway that you think is cute but probably wouldn’t like you because you’re ugly and awkward.

this is being “friends first” and then “just friends”

this is finding a girl who likes you back only to massively screw up by not hanging out with her during finals week. or something, i still don’t really understand that one.

this is your best friend being significantly more attractive than you, and the only reason you get invited to parties is because it’s a condition of his presence.

this is realizing you probably won’t be able to find a date to homecoming.

or prom.

this is three years since the last time you kissed a girl, and “don’t worry, you’ll meet a girl in college.”

we choose to love others before we love ourselves, and don’t know what to do when they don’t love us back.

[hnngwy]

23 september 2019 | that, and the pretty girls

[hnngwy]

23 september 2019 | i only came to college for the rainy day views

[hnngwy]

memory

we’re in the car on the way to the schramer family christmas party, and i’m listening to cooke by modern baseball, and it’s already dark out at 5:30.

memories are a funny thing

—the beginning of a poem i want to write

[hnngwy]

her head’s reared back, these are the last fires of summer last swim in the lake last drives down the dusty, houseless road last prowls on the second floor away from her mother’s needling quips

the state university has waited with a bellyful of frat house memories and a reagent-filled laboratory

the state university awaits her philosophical revolution!

it must wait a while longer

for summer is not over

her stepfather has been driving around town with ray bans, white collar crime teeth that have smiled too widely at her friend from louisville there’s a discovery to be had there, she thinks and perhaps some words to be said

there is still so much to discover about visiting east coast cousins grapefruit sunsets new lana del rey songs floating in a childhood bedroom as if in a soft and warm sea

she’s not done yet, it’s still mid-august! something does not feel complete

something’s in her that must get out and it won’t set foot in the state university

[hnngwy]

i. this time around, you kill the princess. ii. how many times have you done this? the world crumbles to ash around you as you climb the tower; she set the fire and all you did was watch. there’s a reason they locked the princess away. and still you desperately,                                        selfishly,                                                            want to save her. iii. that’s the truth about humans: we are selfish to our very core. surviving each apocalypse, building ourselves from the ground up – it’s not strength,                            just greed. we don’t want to give up our lives so easily. iv. we are no exception. v. picture this: two girls                                   in                                    a                                  tower pushed apart by                                                    thorns   &   dragon teeth and still we claw our way through the brambles to fall into each other’s arms. you wish you could call it love; but you were an outcast and she was a prisoner. love has no place besides desperation. vi. somewhere down the line, you started wondering is it better to save someone else, or to save yourself? a hero would always save others. but the dragon –                            the dragon just wants to live. vii. this time, you climb the tower and swear things will change. this time, you kiss a girl holding fire in her palms and you  kill the princess. viii. you run. this is a tragedy in three parts: you, her, and the world watching you come crashing back to earth. there’s no hero and no villain in this one; you are both the cause and the effect ix. she spins flames into butterflies and melts down the gold in her crown. you lose your dragon teeth in favor of gentler touches. you kill the princess, and she kills the dragon. the world will have to find a new story to tell; in this one, we bury the titles shackled to us and love the versions of us that history forgets. there is no guilt, no remorse, just the light shining through                                            and the love you selfishly hoard from the world.

- drop your crown, love, there’s a better world out there (a.a.)

[hnngwy]

Reign of the Dark Suburb

The Dark Suburb has been a popular theme in Nosebleed Club for years. Introduced in 2013, it reached peak popularity in 2015 and continues to be a source of curiosity and study today. In this post I’ve compiled (most of) my prompts relating to The Dark Suburb; that way, you won’t have to struggle to hunt posts down in the ever-growing Nosebleed Club blog. Please enjoy!

Family Melodrama

something is wearing your mother

oh god his intestines strung up on the christmas tree

your dog’s body all over the house

banging on cellar doors

a creaking sound in your dead sister’s bedroom

warriors with spears and shields painted on the dining room ceiling of a violent family’s mansion

a woman in an expensive coat and an expensive car headed to her nephew’s funeral

coming home to a completely alien mother

getting a doberman on christmas morning that won’t let you leave the house

the reason your parents fled the city to live in the suburbs

summers in palermo where your father was looking for something 

mother’s breakdown in the supermarket

the supernatural car you and your twin got for your 16th birthday

parents strangely and deeply interested in the boyfriend you brought home

a mom urging her son to quit basketball; she senses something is not right

all the holes - dozens of them - your mother dug in your backyard 

grandparents hiding the reason your parents are away during your winter holiday break

your best friend doesn’t want to go to your house anymore

grandpa’s ghost followed us into the new house

dad hates her bc she killed her twin in the womb and then her mother

Keep reading

[hnngwy]

03 february 2019

went to my scholarship interview weekend these last couple days. went down friday, spent the night, had my interview and drove back up yesterday. i think it went pretty well and it definitely wasn’t as awful and scary as i had thought it would be. i’m really hoping that it went well, and that my interviewers thought that it went as well as i did, because if i did a good job, then i’ll either be offered a full ride to siu (first prize gets offered to 25ish people) or they’ll upgrade my current academic scholarship ($6500 per year i think) to $9800 per year, which, while it wouldn’t cover everything, it would certainly help out quite a bit.

—diary entry 6

[hnngwy]

it was roadkill like new moon like ambulance like road trip backache like traffic like standstill and cry with the sky like-

i forgot my name in the blue sunrise and sunlight spilled through the cracks of me at 3 am and you took the pill like they told you to and i begged god for no more second chances-

obsession like vicious like switchblade quick in the wrist like we reach with phantom limbs like we forgot where we were when our hearts broke open and the sky turned gray like please never say my name again

- Ohio (S.L.)

[hnngwy]

05 jan 2019

didn’t go to bed last night due to unforeseen insomnia, but on the bright side (no pun intended), i was able to catch the sunrise.

— diary entry 5

[hnngwy]

the front bottoms?

the front bottoms.

[hnngwy]

12 dec 2018

today started off pretty well. i woke up relatively on time, wasn’t late to school, and my classes this morning were easy, as they were mostly just review for finals next week (which, for the most part, i’m exempt from). i also found out that i managed to pull my ap calculus grade up to a seventy—point six percent, which rounds up to an eighty. and it’s great because that means i can keep my four point oh gpa which is something that i’ve been stressing about for the last couple of months.

and then the entire day kind of went to shit when i got to my graphic design class at the vocational school i go to for half the day. when we got off the bus and walked in, there was a note on the whiteboard outside the classroom that read something along the lines of: pm students, please put your phones in the phone motel (a holder for everyone’s cell phones). if i see your phone out, you’ll be sent down to barbic (the director of the school).

this was quite possibly the most annoying thing that could happen. ms. g (the graphic design teacher) came into the room and explained how both our class (afternoon or ‘pm’) and the morning class (’am’) have been on our phones way too much and have been abusing our internet privileges, so she’s blocked a bunch of websites on the computers and began enforcing the no-phone rule. this is annoying for several reasons, reason number one being that, as a high school student, i like to use my phone to keep in contact with my friends throughout the day and listen to music and keep in touch. not to the point that it’s even a distraction or that it hinders my work, but a fair amount for the typical high school student. reason number two would be that i like to use my phone when i’m finished with a project and she hasn’t assigned any new projects for me to do, which happens ridiculously often. we have about two and a half hours in that class every day, so when you are as fluent using adobe products as i am, you can go any of her basic tutorials and projects in about twenty minutes. so i have a lot of free time with absolutely nothing to do, which i typically fill with browsing various social media or listening to music.

the thing that really got me was some of her reasoning as to why we shouldn’t be on our devices. she was saying how in real life, in a job, you can’t just be on your phone, which is wrong for two reasons. number one, realistically you probably can be on your phone in a real job as long as the work gets done and there isn’t any other work to be done, and number two, and i cannot stress this enough, GRAPHIC DESIGN CLASS IS NOT A REAL LIFE JOB. IT IS A HIGH SCHOOL CLASS. I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR AN UNPAID JOB AS A CLASS. I SIGNED UP FOR A COMPUTER PROGRAMMING CLASS BECAUSE IT WAS MEANT TO BE A BLOWOFF CLASS. BUT THEN THE COMPUTER PROGRAMMING TEACHER QUIT SO I HAD TO SWITCH INTO GRAPHIC DESIGN, A CLASS THAT I HAVE NO INTEREST IN WHATSOEVER. but anyways, she tries to pretend that the class is some super important office job, but it’s a classroom. either teach me something i want to learn, or let me do what i want in my own freetime because you won’t let me drop the class at the end of the semester. don’t try blaming cell phones on your issues with teaching. but that’s it. rant over.

—diary entry 4

[hnngwy]

04 dec 2018

today had zero chill whatsoever. it started out awful and ended terrible (at least the school day). calculus is obnoxious and hard and doesn’t make sense and my teacher is incompetent, ap english was annoying and i didn’t learn anything, and then graphic design was stupid and my teacher (who don’t get me wrong, i love) came up with the absolute worst project where we didn’t get to pick our partners and it’s kind of a clusterfuck and i may or may not have banged my head into the wall a few times really hard and it was wild and awful.

but after that it was fine and i just chilled. i’m kind of sad cos my sister didn’t bring my drop pod refills today cos she said she had a headache, but it’s ok cos she said she’d bring them tomorrow.

—diary entry 3

[hnngwy]

02 december 2018 (pt. 2)

so today was aight but also like a waste of a day. i woke up at like eleven and then had the leftover panda express that was in the fridge from last night for brunch, then went to casey’s with my dad cos he needed beer and i wanted something to drink so i got some blue powerade. then i just sorta hung out for most of the day, watching the office in my bed and playing fallout 76. then all of my sisters and my grandparents came over and ate pizza hut for dinner at like six-thirty and then the dad and s3 (second oldest sister) went to the gym and s and s2 (third oldest sister) went to target to find christmas gifts and now me and s4 (oldest sister) are just at home.

i’m kinda bored and i really don’t wanna go to school tomorrow cos i’ve decided that i just despise high school and everything about it. i’ve also found that recently it seems that my friends don’t wanna talk to me as much, and that’s kinda sad. like my best friend, we’ll call her savannah (cos that’s her name and she 100% doesn’t use tumblr). usually we’ll talk like all day over snapchat and just send pictures all day long from like the time we wake up to the time we go to bed. and i love that, it makes me feel wanted and makes me feel like i actually have friends that wanna talk to me. but like the last week or two we’ll like send a few snapchats in the morning and then she’ll leave me on opened and just won’t respond after that, and i hate to be the guy that double-snaps cos that’s just a lame-ass thing to do and don’t wanna do that.

and the same w my other friend, hallie. we used to talk all the time but we’ve stopped over the last like month or so and it sucks cos she used to be such a big part of my life and now we barely talk or hang out ever and it doesn’t help because all of my best friends go to a different high school so i don’t actually see them ever and all of the kids at my school are hicks and i hate them. so it’s kind of just bad. it just sucks, knowing that other people mean more to you than you do to them, it’s an awful feeling, the worst in the world. but that’s all.

—diary entry 2

[hnngwy]

02 dec 2018

i did a lot of shit today (well, yesterday considering i’m writing this at one in the am but i’m counting it as today). i woke up at like eleven-thirtyish then did the usual routine of hitting the [suorin] drop then put some clothes on and went downstairs to see if there was anything to eat. i had some cinnamon toast crunch for brunch then i played fallout 76 for like 3 hours. the dad got home at like three-thirty and that was pretty annoying considering he’s usually supposed to get home around seven. and he’s going on vacation this week so he’s gonna be home after school every day this week.

so he came home and then he was like do you guys wanna go get some food and beer and i was like hell yes! cos i was hungry af. so the dad, s (my younger sister), and i went and got some takeout from panda and then he was getting mad because people from work kept calling him since he’s their supervisor and like he had no reason to get mad because he’s scheduled to work until six-thirty and he just decided to leave early since there was nothing going on and he was bored and not busy.

but anyways so we got takeout and beer and then came home and ate it. i had orange chicken alacarte and it was delicious. then i continued to play fallout 76 for another hour or so cos that’s what you do on the weekends. then at like eight-thirty the dad called me downstairs and asked if i wanted to do my housing contract for college and i was like hell yes! and went and got my laptop and filled out everything and he put in his credit card info cos he’s ok with spending money on a deposit for my college dorm cos he’s at least an ok dad and then i filled out like the roommate search questionnaire. i then proceeded to look for potential roommates and there were two people who messaged me and i talked w both of them for a couple hours and then after i stopped talking w one of them me and the other one decided we were gonna be roommates cos me and him (calling him m from now on) both have similar majors and the building that we wanna live in is right by the communications building (i’mma be a film major) and we both like the front bottoms so it’s gonna work really well. so we got all the roommate shit figured out except how we pick our rooms so i’m gonna have to email the housing office on monday and figure out if we gotta wait awhile or if we can just do it now or whatever. and now here i am.

i haven’t really been that excited about college recently, and i think it has a lot to do with the shit that i’m going through right now (friend dying and parents’ divorce and all that good shit) and all of that mixed with the fact that i genuinely hate high school and it kinda makes me wanna die. but getting this done just makes me happy for college and even though it’s gonna be four more years of trying to get everything done while trying to juggle a social life and enjoying myself, i think it’ll eventually be worth it or something. and even if it’s not, i get to pay some asshole a hundred and twenty thousand dollars (roughly) to teach me how to make movies and let me fuck around five hours away from my house for four years. and even though it probably won’t be worth it in the end, who gives a fuck, right? but that’s all.

—diary entry 1

[hnngwy]

empty and sad,

but that’s just the way it goes.

another day that passes by,

another piece of life out the door.

wasted on wishing,

wanting for something more.

something that’s never gonna happen,

and hopeless thoughts begin to grow.

another teenage love that

would surely never show.

another friend, another foe,

another missing touch i wish would show.

the closeness of a good friend

is something i wish that i could know.

even if it is all hopeless,

i just wish that i could know

what it’s like.

—draft iv