hollkk - Tumblr blog

[hollkk]

[hollkk]

Off the Grid

So I've been off the grid for a while. I got a boyfriend, moved out, and am now facing a whole new world of difficulty.Money, job, and relationship. I'm going.

I've recently discovered the complicated world of relationships. The number one thing I've learned is I SUCK AT THIS. I feel like I was a good girlfriend at first, but eventually my stubborn and over emotional personality kind of showed up. Oops.

I'm constantly worried, starting arguments, crying my eyes out for no reason. I'm just lost and don't know what to do. He knows I'm new to this whole relationship thing, but he's not sure how much longer he can do this with me. I really feel as if I'm chasing the best thing that has ever happened to me away.

No one has any idea how irritated with myself I am. I don't want him to leave. I'm in love with him. I'm not just saying that. Anytime I think of the possibility that he wouldn't be in my future I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I need him.

[hollkk]

No one ever said babies weren’t cute. 

Seal, Fawn, Owl, Pigglet, Fox-pup, Sloth, Polar bear cub, Bunny and dolphin. (young babies)

[hollkk]

If they don’t know you personally, don’t take it personal.

Khleo Thomas 

Everything you love is here

(via lovequotesrus)

[hollkk]

[hollkk]

I hate dirty kitchens. Clean up after yourselves!

[hollkk]

truth

12 Things You’ll Only Understand If You’re Not A Morning Person

[hollkk]

This has me in trance lol

[hollkk]

So I recently lost 30 pounds and I just want to share my excitement :)

[hollkk]

When is it time to say goodbye?

About four months ago I met a guy. I have to be honest, he is the sweetest, most inspiring, and amazing person I've met in quite some time. He's been through a lot...much more than I have. He's had his heart broken.

We started hanging out and got extremely close. We have feelings for each other, but it's just not working with us. We tried to be together. He's put me through so many emotional ups and downs. I'm scared that it's just going to continue.

He told me he wants me in his life. He said that I'm the closest thing to a best friend he has right now. He needs that more than a girlfriend right now, but no matter how much I want to give that to him...I don't think I can. 

I feel like maybe it's time that I move on. If I stay around something might happen and I'll end up hurt even more than I already am. But when I think about cutting him out of my life I tear up. Maybe I just need a friend too...

[hollkk]

A Sad Man

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if my mother would meet a decent man who didn’t have emotional issues. A man who didn’t have to get drunk to feel better about himself. A man who didn’t have to insult people to stop being sad. A man who isn’t a bully. I’m scared that once I leave he’ll turn onto my sister and her son. Insulting them profusely like he does to me. He chases people away and pushes them into the distance without a second thought. His own children barely speak to him. Does that sound like someone anyone wants to be around? I know for certain that I don’t want to be and as soon as I get my finances together I won’t. I’ll be gone. Because of this man I do not wish to have any sort of relationship with my mother. He pushed his kids away and now he’s pushing hers away. This bully is a sad individual who can’t hold a job and has to drink. He has a disease called alcoholism. His disease make his mental issues worse. When he drinks he’ll find any tiny flaw in a person and make it a big flaw. He does this so much that it brings out his flaws. He thinks he’s the most important person in the world. Everyone has to make him happy. Everyone has to work around his schedule. He’s a control freak who needs to have the final say over everything. You can’t spend time with anyone else without hearing from him. You’re a bad person for wanting to spend time with others. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have turned out if my mother had never met him. Had never moved us to a whole other place. But one thing keeps me going…I’m a stronger person than I was before. If I hadn’t endured verbal abuse as a teenager and into my current early adult age, I wouldn’t have the strength to write this. I wouldn’t be the strong woman I am now.

[hollkk]

Ever feel like your parents choose favorites?

It's been like this all twenty years of my life. I've always been second, number two, a.k.a not my as good as my sister. She's had everything handed to her. Everything I ever got came from my hard work, but I'm still not as good as her in my mother's eyes. Just once I wish my mother treated me equally. Just once I wish she made my sister work for something, everything. My sister and I are both adults now, but my mother's mind still works the same way and she wonders why I feel the way I feel. I have never had it the "easy" way, like my sister. Mommy's always there to hold her hand.

[hollkk]

For some reason I get embarrassed about writing, even though I love it. I get embarrassed, because I feel like people won't understand that I need to get these fictional stories out of my head and on paper. I have a very vivid imagination and am always thinking of things to write, but I never express my desire to be an author. I know I need to just put these stories out there so people can read them, but I'm so nervous. What if they aren't good?

[hollkk]

[hollkk]

So I found a short story I wrote when I was in high school...

Yelling and screaming she ran through the door. She had no idea where she was. She frantically searched for the answer. The room she was in was empty and bare, so there really was nowhere to search. She sat and cried for hours.

        After awhile she stood up and walked to the red wall. She cried and started hitting the wall. She noticed that it was already damaged. She hit it again and the place where she was hitting shattered to pieces.

        She kept hitting the wall until she could get out, but when she stepped out of the room there was nothing but darkness. She looked back and noticed how funny the room she was in was shaped. It was shaped like a heart. It had bandages everywhere as if someone had smashed it with a hammer. Her eyes closed and she fell to the floor.

        She awoke in her bedroom. She closed her eyes tight and opened them again. She was still in her bedroom. That's when she realized that it was all a weird dream. Trapped in her own broken heart.

[hollkk]

I ended up waking up in a kind of hilarious way this morning. I had asked my mom to wake me up, just in case I didn't hear the alarm. My mom dutifully followed through with that, and when she woke me up I shot up as if someone was trying to murder me and things went flying to the ground. I looked at my mom startled and starting laughing. Why I felt scared...I don't know.

[hollkk]

gunbladekind:

Lori Beth Denberg was the original night blogger.