honibabysworld

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[honibabysworld]

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13 essential daily habits i implement to level up and improve myself

number 1: meditation— at least 5 minutes per day

number 2: prayer— morning, afternoon, and night

number 3: going outside— inhaling stale inside air < outside air

number 4: not sitting for more than an hour at a time

number 5: being consistent on this blog (this helps with motivation and is my online journal)

number 6: being active for at least 45 minutes daily— whether it’s a strenuous workout or a hot girl walk

number 7: swapping 30 minutes of a tv show or listening to music with a podcast, self-development video, or reading a book

number 8: positive self-talk / mirror work whenever i walk past a mirror

number 9: falling asleep to affirmations from youtube

number 10: spending less time on my phone— allowing myself 1-2 hours a day on social media and the internet (i used to spend ALL day on my phone)

number 11: drinking at least 60oz of water

number 12: parenting myself (for example: if i’m getting carried away with being on my phone and i have to run errands, i make myself to get off my phone and to walk out the door)

number 13: dedicating an hour in the morning after waking up and an hour in the evening before going to bed for self-care and organization. NO PHONE, TV, FRIENDS, etc.

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at the end of the day it’s just you and your silly little life. so go on, enjoy it, be the person you want to be.

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Mikhail Lermontov, A Hero of Our Time

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I was raised by scientifically conscientious parents, real big on logic and empiricism and all that jazz, and I really took it to heart. So when I first heard about the birthday candle wishes thing, I did what came naturally. I tried to test it empirically. I invited this kid in my first grade class who was kind of a dick, called me names, tripped me when the teachers weren’t looking, penny-ante schoolyard bully shit. And when they brought the cake out, they told me to close my eyes and make a wish, and I did, and when I opened my eyes the kid hadn’t exploded. Not even a little. At this point I was kind of tempted to write it off, but even then I had an eye towards the replicability crisis, and I knew one failure wasn’t publishable. So next year I invited the same kid, wished again, he didn’t explode that year, either. Or the year after that. Or the year after that. I mean I really sacrificed for this project. My parents had a hard capacity of five guests per party, and every year he took a slot that could have gone to a person who wouldn’t declare open season on the other three guests. And even though I don’t even like pottery, I kept asking to have the parties at the DIY pottery place because that was the only non-suspicious way to have get everyone in smocks and googles when they brought out the cake. But one of the really insidious things I had to deal with was the sense of, I dunno, moral corrosion. Because, you invite a guy you don’t even like to a birthday party six years running with ulterior motives, humoring him, making him think you consistently want him around…  you’re leading the guy on! And moreover I know what it’s like to be on the other side of that, I used to get invited to birthday parties because people wanted to copy my notes. And it’s shitty to wake up one morning and realize you’ve become a bad guy in the same creeping way, and that just must be how that happens. I mean right up until the guy spontaneously combusted at the cake-cutting at my cousin’s birthday party in 2013, I genuinely think he thought we were friends. All to say that this is why research ethics courses are, like, super foundational. Can’t cut corners on that!

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I always hate change

I am notoriously bad at coping with change.

I get nostalgic for things as they are happening, and when I am put into a position where I could choose to grow I usually will decide against it solely because that means something would change. And. I. Hate. Change.

Much to my friends distaste I will almost always find ways of getting out of things. I will avoid getting my license because to go from passenger princess to the person behind the wheel is too much change. I will stay in a town I hate because moving somewhere else is too much change. I will lose my friggin mind during a break up not because of the guy but because it is too much change.

So naturally this carries over into jobs. When I first got a new job I panicked. I couldn’t possible start something new. To mold my day to day life around a task that wasn’t going for three mile long walks like I have done almost everyday since I was fourteen sounds like a nightmare. Unfortunately, student debt, living in a capitalist society, and being an adult means that I had to get a job. So I did.

And then I realized that eventually I would not have that job. Whether it was my choice, or out of my control, a job is not forever. The panic set in again. Once a month I have a mental breakdown at the concept of no longer having my job. I check indeed constantly, thinking that seeing other jobs like mine might somehow soothe my unease (it doesn’t). I save every dollar I make to prepare for the moment and binge “the great resignation” videos on TikTok. I track the economy, preparing for a societal collapse and listen to podcasts on investing knowing damn well I am too scared to move any of my money from its cushiony saving account into a ROTH IRA because that would once again, require me to change something I have become so used to.

My days have been plagued by thinking about my job so much so that I have been failing at it. I have been paralyzed with fear about what will happen to me to me when I lose my job.

Was the workforce always like this? Did my grandfather also worry about his job like this when he was working in the 1950’s? Is being afraid of being on the chopping block just another part of the American Dream they forgot to teach me about in history class.

And most importantly, why do I care so much? I don’t love my job that much. It’s the same way I have been with boys. I found the breakup so earth shattering not because I loved him (though sometimes I did, I’m not that heartless), but mainly because I couldn’t handle the change. And that is the same way it is with my job. I don’t find the idea of leaving my job earth shattering because it is all I want to do, I am scared of the fact that to no longer work there means that something has changed.

I am deciding to try to embrace change this year. So with that I’m quitting my job. Ok, that’s a lie, but I will try to work on embracing change so that maybe I won’t have to spend everyday worrying about how horrible it would be if I ever decide to leave my job in the future.

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