i-dont-alwaysmile

[i-dont-alwaysmile]

I've decided that I need to make more changes

Instead of just not doing those bad habits I need to replace them. I need to push myself to be a better person. A person who would never make those choices or mistakes again

Then I think I can fully forgive myself, because then I know I can trust myself to make the right decisions

I did something that I'm completely ashamed of. I'm lucky that no one was there to witness it, but it could've happen. And I've been facing a lot of guilt and shame because of it.

Because I didn't feel like I had control over my own actions. I'm taking steps to make sure it'll never happen again, and I've been determined to change.

And idk if what I did is as bad as I feel, but it wasn't good, and I NEVER want to do it again.

I just need to say something somewhere cause I have no one to talk to. I'm scared I'll lose people in my life if I do

[i-dont-alwaysmile]

I did something that I'm completely ashamed of. I'm lucky that no one was there to witness it, but it could've happen. And I've been facing a lot of guilt and shame because of it.

Because I didn't feel like I had control over my own actions. I'm taking steps to make sure it'll never happen again, and I've been determined to change.

And idk if what I did is as bad as I feel, but it wasn't good, and I NEVER want to do it again.

I just need to say something somewhere cause I have no one to talk to. I'm scared I'll lose people in my life if I do

[i-dont-alwaysmile]

tw mentioned animal death

i saw a dead dog on the road today

i want to go home but its going to be so complicated

im not happy where i am

at work a customer kinda looked like my brother and i immediately broke down crying

an old friend texted me and idk how to respond

i just want to feel better

[i-dont-alwaysmile]

sometimes its really hard to feel like i deserve to be loved

[i-dont-alwaysmile]

how the fuck am i supposed to make a career in todays world?

I dont even know what I want to do

My brother lives by himself, streams, has friends

I live with my grandparants, have only a couple of friends im not close to, and I have no idea what I'm going to do for my life

i have no idea what i want to do in my life, I'm an anxious mess. The reason I dont have freinds in because of me, because i just suck. And I just feel like a failure already. I'm petrified of failure saying the wrong thing, getting in trouble. I break down if I think someones mad at me.

I'm stuck in this stupid box I dont want to be in anymore and I feel like im wasting my life. Im only 20, and I look at everything I've done and im so dissapointed. I'm trying

im trying

i dont want to do college anymore but i wont get anywhere without it

i'm getting a degree in photography and when I tell people I dont want to run a buisness or do photography independantly or even as a job, they give me advice on how I can do baby-steps to starting my own buisness

IM SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH AND TRYING TO MAKE ME DO SHIT I DONT WANT EVEN THOUGH ITS EXPECTED

wwhy do i have to figure everything out now?

[i-dont-alwaysmile]

ok I just really need to unload my thoughts rn, cause I've been thinking about this for months

But I have no idea how my parents will take me questioning my gender.

Rn I'm trying to figure this whole thing out. And while I'm pretty sure I'm somwhat non-binary, or agender, or libragender (that last one rn is the one im most certain of rn) I'm still figuring it out. I don't know exactly how I want to present or dress yet. And I know that I don't even have to tell my parents anything!!

but i love my parents and dont want to hide myself from them. And how I will want to present or be address they will probably take issue with cause of their beliefs. I grew up mormon, most of my family is mormon, and the ones who are not are still very christian or outspokenly transphobic. which is not fun

I was talking to my mom about how I think how trans people not being allowed to transition in the church is wrong. And she eventually said to me that being trans is a mental illness, one that causes suicide.

and then a few days later my dad said aloud "I hate pronouns" in reaction to how people who are cis (or who appear cis) have their pronouns stated.

I know my parents wont hate me. But I think its worse to know that they think I've been corrupted in some way. That how I am or how I identify is a sin and that I am doing the wrong thing.

It hurts, alot

And theres even more reason to not tell them. I moved out of the house about 2 years ago, but I still have little siblings living with my parents. They are Mormon but their not hardcore, but I worry if I come out to them that they will double down on mormonism because they think they did something wrong.

I'm not mormon anymore, and I'm very lucky that I didn't have any harmful experiences in the church. But I'm still deconverting, especially how I think, who I trust, how I can question authority. Along with the anger I have for being lied to by an organization I trust so much, and all of the internal homophobia and transphobia I've absorbed in the church. I don't want my little siblings to go through any of that

And there's the whole other can of worms that I havent told my parents that I don't believe in the church anymore

And this hurts because I love my parents. be cause they've been there for me when I need them, but now I don't know if they will be. I dont know if I tell them that they will accept me, or just say they do while still considering me as their daughter who's gone astray. I don't want to hurt them, and I think this will.

it just sucks, it really does.

[i-dont-alwaysmile]

The thing i just realized about hiding how I'm feeling is that when I finally break its gonna be out of nowhere for everyone in my life

[i-dont-alwaysmile]

I'm just so fucked socially

My last really good friend group was on high-school, and of course I decided to move. I'm not in contact with any of them anymore

I have friends at work. But I don't really talk to them outside of work. I djnt know how to deepen relationships. Or start romantic relationships.

I moved so much as a kid and I can't help but feel that us a huge factor in my poor social skills. Maybe not

I talk with other people in my college classes, bit I've never hung out with them after class or got lunch.

Gosh I feel so broken socially, I'm gonna be alone for my whole life.

[i-dont-alwaysmile]

i dont know how to express myself

and I'm scared to

idk

theres just so much

[i-dont-alwaysmile]

These past few days I've just have a growing desire to be held

[i-dont-alwaysmile]

🦀 time for crab 🦀

today i summoned 10 crabs and they all fell in love with me. i love them too.

🦀💙 🦀💙 🦀💙 🦀💙 🦀💙 🦀💙 🦀💙 🦀💙 🦀💙 🦀💙

[i-dont-alwaysmile]

is life supposed to be semi miserable forever?

[i-dont-alwaysmile]

Recently I've decided to try a different name on my social media.

I don't hate my original name but I had this different name pop into my head a few weeks ago and I've been thinking about it on and off since then.

But I don't know if I feel a slight disconnect to my og name because it doesn't fit me as well (or at least all the time) anymore, or because everyone calls me a nickname I'm not used to being addressed by my og name.

Like always I'm worried that I'm faking this. But I've had friends tell me if I don't like the new name it's fine and I can change it later or go back to my og. So that has given me comfort.

[i-dont-alwaysmile]

humph

[i-dont-alwaysmile]

i had a friend who dumped all their truama on me and spent what felt 24/7 with me cause we where best friends

but it was exhausting and it was very emotionaly draining

im terrified to do that to someone else so I dont talk about my problems to my friends. I'm worried that I'm going to put too much on them like my friend did to me

[i-dont-alwaysmile]

Fuck

I'm crying over my love life again

No wait, lack of love life