i-suggest-aro

[i-suggest-aro]

Thanks to this blog, I'm questioning whether I might in fact be aro! One thing I'll say is that I always liked the 'stop the wedding' trope in movies. It's good if the nontoxic guy saves the girl from the toxic guy, but I find I like the trope better if she's saved by a friend or a family member and doesn't get married at all in the end!

Just my thoughts!

hell yeah, i absolutely adore when the conclusion of a "romance" movie is just "you don't need romance", it's so refreshing.

also happy to hear my stuff's got you looking into some things!! that's what this blog is all about lol, reminding everybody that they could always be aromantic.

[i-suggest-aro]

I think your avenue of analysis is interesting, but ultimately limited in its scope because of your identity-first framing. You talk a lot about the stigma against aroallo people, which is to say people who have sexual attraction without romance attached. This stigma is part and parcel of general sex negativity and behaves like a form of slut shaming. To which I suggest: why make the distinction? I'm not telling anyone how to identify, I'm making the point that you shouldn't theorize or organize solely around the aroallo identity, when you have a goal in common with sluts everywhere. Take a step from "aroallo, this very niche very specific identity, people are valid" to "casual sex is fine," or whatever other activities and relationships you want to make a point about.

Before anyone gets mad: these are the same limitations with the word queer. “Punks, Bulldaggers, and Welfare Queens” by Cathy Cohen proposes building a coalition between queer people and so-called welfare queens, straight lower-class Black mothers, who are oppressed in a similar way.

I do however see the utility when talking about issues in the aspec community. Or as an identity for an individual person's peace of mind. But I think you could make better points if you didn't rely so heavily on identity politics.

i definitely see where you're coming from with this, and i think you're completely right, but i also do think that that's what i've been doing? maybe it doesn't read as that to you because of my phrasing, but at the core of all of my posts about being aroallo is the more fundamental idea of where that oppression comes from, which is, in fact, sex negativity. i talk about sex negativity in the aspec community through the lens of how it affects aroallos, because that's what i have personal experience with. that's what i know about. this blog is pretty obviously centered around the aromantic identity, my posts aren't intended to be a wider reaching theory about the societal stigma and discomfort around casual sex. they're just the experiences and opinions of one aroallo. aroallomisia originates from sex negativity, just like transandrophobia originates from transphobia, but that doesn't mean you can't focus on one. i think it's useful to explore how a wider issue and axis of oppression affects a specific group; going "hey, this is how this thing affects me" while inviting other people to go "hey, i'm not that specific thing, but this thing affects me too! maybe we should do something about it".

i hope this makes sense, i'm currently running on very little sleep, my point is that i agree with you.

[i-suggest-aro]

oh it's not a meme. i just find the idea of slowly leading someone down a path of aromanticism incredibly appealing

supporting and hyping up a friend who got broken up with by telling them they're strong and independent. don't worry babe, you're better off without them. hey, being single is awesome! i know people judge you, but don't you just feel...so much more free like this? you're your own person, after all. maybe you don't need a new relationship after all. maybe you should stay single, just a little while longer....y'know, just to see if you like it.

[i-suggest-aro]

supporting and hyping up a friend who got broken up with by telling them they're strong and independent. don't worry babe, you're better off without them. hey, being single is awesome! i know people judge you, but don't you just feel...so much more free like this? you're your own person, after all. maybe you don't need a new relationship after all. maybe you should stay single, just a little while longer....y'know, just to see if you like it.

[i-suggest-aro]

Mach. Mach mod of I-suggest-aro. Nanamine Sakura. She’s literally green. And hits people with books. If you look into the anime you would get it. She gets annoyed at the slight thought of romance (imo)

you have mutual privileges so whatever you say about a piece of media i don't personally know will be taken as pure truth

[i-suggest-aro]

WOAH THERE, [[New Sport!]], YOU REALLY THINK [Little Old Me?] COULD BE [Number One Rated Salesman 1997?]??? AEEHEHEHAHAHEHHAHEHAH

you can never be [[Hyperlink Blocked]]

divorce rates are....too low! #GETDIVORCED

[i-suggest-aro]

divorce rates are....too low! #GETDIVORCED

[i-suggest-aro]

JFC CAN WE STOP PUTTING RELATIONSHIPS INTO A SOCIETAL HIERARCHY MAYBE???

"QPRs are deeper than a friendship🥺" HUSHHHH YOU NEED TO HUSHHHH

a QPR is whatever the fuck you want it to be!! And trying to put them on a higher level than friendship in society reminds me so much of how people have basically made nonbinary into a third part of a trinary instead of a deconstruction of the binary.

It's like making a trinary of relationships lmao

[i-suggest-aro]

Hi, I really love your blog and it makes me happy every time you're on my feed. I'm having a really rough time right now and could use some input, a big group of friends (who apparently never liked me and were shit talking me for months behind my back while being all friendly with me to my face) just dropped me because I'm too affectionate (physically and verbally) while drunk. And despite me telling them afterwards, "hey! I'm aro! And romance repulsed!" They still went, "Not everyone knows your sexuality (they actually called being aromantic a sexuality???) ... So you were coming on to me and harassing me at the time." Because I said they were sexy?? And pretty??? And beautiful??? While drunk as shit???? There was also a comment I made about, "aha I wish you and your bf weren't together so I could make out with you." Which sounds bad until I add in the part they left out, "so I could make out with you sloppy style." So... very clearly a joke. An inappropriate joke? Absolutely. A joke I definitely should not have made? 100%. A joke I made while drunk and not thinking clearly? Yes. (Also they keep saying I can't use "being drunk as an excuse" as if scientifically alcohol doesn't completely remove your impulse control. Also I'm 21 and haven't even been drinking for a full year yet so I have no idea what my limits are yet) I would also ask multiple times if they were uncomfortable and they would say they weren't, and now they're saying, "well obviously we wouldn't tell you we were uncomfortable, because we didn't want you to feel bad. But we're all mad at you now for not apologizing to us for making us uncomfortable." Like??? Am I crazy or does that not make sense? And then apparently I started complimenting someone, she told me to stop multiple times and I didn't. Which... I don't think I'd do? And like there were multiple people around us at the time, with the only time we were alone was when I was sober and I absolutely remember not complimenting her at that point. If you see a guy drunkenly complimenting a woman who is telling him to stop and that they're uncomfortable would you not... Step in..? Say something..? Stop what's happening at all...?? Why did this group just allow me to harass someone and make them uncomfortable??? Like if this happened then I'm definitely glad they aren't my friends anymore because what the fuck? I wouldn't just sit there quietly while someone is actively being harassed and made uncomfortable. It doesn't help that I don't remember complimenting anyone excessively at all. (But that can just be because I was drunk) Another thing is that I asked other people I've been drunk with before if I've ever done this to them or anything similar and they all said that when I'm drunk and they tell me to stop I usually stop immediately, and that I constantly ask if I'm making people uncomfortable to the point it's annoying. I don't know man I'm just rattled with guilt, because if that did happen that makes me an absolutely fucking disgusting piece of useless waste, but also confused if it actually happened or not?? Like my memory isn't great but I remember all of these events wildly differently than I'm being told. I genuinely feel insane and am questioning my reality. Sorry this is long I just... I need another opinion. I've gotten opinions from like... 8 separate people and they all think this is bullshit and kind of fucked up, but I still feel like I'm a fucking disgusting monster. I also feel grossed out with myself, not just because I made people uncomfortable but because all of these alloromantic people are telling me I was romantically (and sexually) coming onto them and it just makes me feel so... Slimy, or like... Grimey. I get so grossed out with myself when people think I'm being romantic. I don't know, I just want honest opinions. (Also if those people see this please leave me alone and stop using alts or other people's accounts to stalk me it is genuinely giving me anxiety attacks at work and making me paranoid. Just let me vent in peace.)

this is a really complicated, honestly fucking horrifying situation you've been put in. if someone doesn't tell you they're uncomfortable, you have no way of knowing that they are. you can't just keep something like that to yourself and seethe in silence, shit-talking the person who genuinely tried to ask you if you wanted them to stop. and you said nothing.

my point here is, anon, you're not a monster. you probably did make some of these people uncomfortable, but that does not make you a monster. they should've said something. should've communicated with you, instead of whatever the hell this is.

here, i'll give a bit of a personal anecdote that might not directly relate to your situation, but that i hope can give you some perspective anyways. a few years back, i got properly drunk for the first time. i was with my friends, including my ex boyfriend (we broke up amicably and stayed good friends). at one point, when i was almost asleep, my ex came back from a walk he'd been taking, and said he wanted to make out with me. we were young, absolutely wasted, and tired. i just smiled and told him to go for it. we made out for almost an hour, he kept asking me "is this okay? is this really okay?" every other second. a few weeks later, he confronted me, apologizing profusely and asking me if he made me uncomfortable. i told him the truth: we were drunk, i just liked being close to him, he asked me several times if it was okay, and i said i was.

a situation like that, while odd and probably not good, does not make my ex a monster. it's an entirely human thing to happen. alcohol and strong feelings do not mix well. things like this just happen.

to me, it sounds like you loved your friends. and while drunk, you expressed that in a way they didn't like, but did nothing to stop. instead of talking to you about it when you were sober like grown-ups, they decided to talk shit about you behind your back, stalk you, and overall just act like malicious people.

don't let them gaslight you into thinking you're some kind of predator for complimenting your friend while drunk. they should've said something.

i'm so sorry this is happening to you. do whatever you need to to protect your peace from these people. it sounds like you have a support network of some kind beyond them; that's good. rely on the people you can trust, it'll keep you sane through this madness. stalking someone, even online, is just shitty behavior in general. i hope all this blows over for you soon, anon.

[i-suggest-aro]

someone who knows that alloromantic asexuals exist, but somehow doesn't know that aromantic allosexuals exist, is probably willfully ignorant to the identity because the idea makes them uncomfortable. it makes no sense for someone to understand that not all asexuals are aromantic, but somehow miss the fact that not all aromantics are asexual. if you know what alloace is, why would you not even just assume that the opposite exists too? why bother putting in the effort to include everyone except us?

i don't know the creator. i don't even know the game in question. maybe they have a perfectly valid reason, maybe they didn't know there was an aroallo flag, or couldn't make it for whatever reason. i'm not assigning malice to one individual here, i'm trying to point out a larger pattern of aroallo exclusion and erasure that exists in the aspec community in general.

I saw a mod for a game that included the ace, aro, and aroace flags, the demiromantic/demisexual and grayromantic/graysexual flags, and even the alloace flag, but not the aroallo flag. I may not be aroallo (I’m aroace) but this irritates me. Why include every flag but the aroallo one? Aroallos deserve to be represented too.

that feels...incredibly intentional. alloace but not aroallo? when all the other flags came with both aro and ace variants? that just feels like intentional exclusion.

[i-suggest-aro]

I saw a mod for a game that included the ace, aro, and aroace flags, the demiromantic/demisexual and grayromantic/graysexual flags, and even the alloace flag, but not the aroallo flag. I may not be aroallo (I’m aroace) but this irritates me. Why include every flag but the aroallo one? Aroallos deserve to be represented too.

that feels...incredibly intentional. alloace but not aroallo? when all the other flags came with both aro and ace variants? that just feels like intentional exclusion.

[i-suggest-aro]

the emphasis here being that kissing is romantic to you. it's not romantic to me. i make out with my friends constantly. like i said in the post, the nature of that act is defined by the people engaging in it.

the things alloromantics consider "more than platonic" never cease to baffle me. cuddling? sleeping next to each other? petting each others' hair? kissing? telling each other how much you mean to each other? why WOULDN'T you do these things with your friends. why DO you need to be romantically attracted to someone in order to express your affection for them.

i guess all these things feel obviously platonic to me, because i've had my friends since we were all mentally ill autistic teenagers, but it feels absurd that some people think anything beyond a hug is automatically romantic. acts of affection and their intentions are defined by the people involved, nobody else. and frankly, some of you don't know how wonderful it is, to be a sleepy aromantic embraced on all sides by a group of people you'd trust your life with.

[i-suggest-aro]

the things alloromantics consider "more than platonic" never cease to baffle me. cuddling? sleeping next to each other? petting each others' hair? kissing? telling each other how much you mean to each other? why WOULDN'T you do these things with your friends. why DO you need to be romantically attracted to someone in order to express your affection for them.

i guess all these things feel obviously platonic to me, because i've had my friends since we were all mentally ill autistic teenagers, but it feels absurd that some people think anything beyond a hug is automatically romantic. acts of affection and their intentions are defined by the people involved, nobody else. and frankly, some of you don't know how wonderful it is, to be a sleepy aromantic embraced on all sides by a group of people you'd trust your life with.

[i-suggest-aro]

Hehheeh I just found this blog holy heck :D lovely lovely blog

I love being aroallo

true!!!

[i-suggest-aro]

just found your account and its so refreshing to see somebody who’s not only aroallo, but unapologetically so. so many times we have to sit and explain to people for ages over and over again how we work, that we don’t “use people”, that we’re not evil or robots or broken or mad at someone, and that we’re not ASEXUAL.

im aroallo and in a relationship, and it really sickens me when (usually alloros) use “aro people can date!!” against us. that’s up to US, not you!!! and also the fact that many of us, if we do date, experience love differently! after deconstructing amato/allonormativity, i can say that the feelings i have towards my partner don’t feel right being called “romance”. just because we date doesn’t mean we’re just allos with an extra name. being aromantic has an important emotional, sexual, political (and/or any other forms of identity) meaning to so many of us! people who try to frame themselves as “allies to aspecs” often miss that we call ourselves aro for a reason.

i guarantee that allos who say "aros can still date!!" would also hate the relationships aromantics actually have. they view aromantic relationships as just "allo lite", they think aromantic just means "doesn't date" so if one does, it should look like any other romantic relationship. they miss the part where it's aromantic.

[i-suggest-aro]

"nobody's saying that" but my quote was directly form an ask of yours. I was not making this one up, i just mean that it is weird how as aroace i am meant to dissect my identity into pieces whenever i am making a statement of any kind at all.

which ask? i feel like at this point you're being bad faith because you feel personally attacked. and i'm sorry if that's the case, my intention with this blog is to spread aromanticism, that's all. i think you should be 100% free to make aroace content and call it aroace, tell people that you're aroace, use the aroace flag, etc etc. what i'm saying is that if someone else makes a post about being aromantic, you shouldn't project your identity onto that person by saying "this is an aroace experience", and instead just call the post what it is: aromantic.

i hope you understand that the problem here is not aroaces. the problem is aroaces implying that aromantics who are not ace should be ace. that we are a subcategory of you. that we should just accept having our posts mistagged and misinterpreted, because aromanticism can't exist outside of asexuality.

[i-suggest-aro]

why someone who is aroace should add huge disclaimers that "content they find particularly relatable" could just be aro and not necessary also ace.

nobody's saying that. but if the content in question has nothing to do with asexuality, it can't possibly be that hard to call it aromantic content instead of aroace content.