ilovehimstill

[ilovehimstill]

Hazy Summer

Back seat, window rolled down.

Breeze billows in, our music bellows out.

The deep orange day is sinking away

As the light lurches to midnight blue.

It's the height of hazy summer

As our voices overlap and we drive too fast

Down the road that was, until now, unknown,

We're just trying to extend the evening

As far as the headlights will show.

Laughter frequently spills out, cheap vodka too,

Everything's harder to do when you're in

The state of mind that you don't care

The time or for anything beyond the blurring fields.

And you can feel the alcohol and the freedom

And elated love for your friends -

Theoretically it'll end

The harsh, sober sun will return -

But right now, it's forever.

And you're just a girl in the back seat

Living in every heartbeat.

[ilovehimstill]

Sipping orange gin and lemonade

And trying to soak in

The dying daylight.

The trees are green again -

But I'm just hoping

I'll be given the grace to survive

Till cool dusk returns.

Nowadays, I'm lost

To the silent sands of time,

So long I've forgotten

How to lay my blankets

Over the scratching, scorched grass.

And I can't read

My paperbacks anymore -

You see, the sun

Used to pool

On the pale pages

But they stopped by

And shuttered the windows closed.

You know, summer is stretching;

Twenty nights from now

She will have settled in.

She'll shine

For a brief few moments

When she brings the breeze

Back to me, warning

Your orange gin and lemonade

Won't ward off

October's cruel autumn.

[ilovehimstill]

Like Clockwork

Sometimes I feel so watched

I don't open the blinds.

Give me the magic stuff

That will empty my mind;

Give me some red wine

That holds me through the night

So I can wake up

Still hating the morning light.

Like clockwork, 3pm, I pour black coffee,

cola, and a heavy hand of rum.

I haven't felt the sun today, locked in,

But my heart races like I'm on the run.

I tried connecting with these people, thinking,

They're so smart, they'd know what I knew.

But they don't know the wear and tear

Of walking in my shoes.

I'd say I hate it here, buts its the inverse.

Swear I wasn't the first to pull away.

If I could just bleed it dry for my future.

But first I'd have to endure - I'd have to stay.

They recoil when I open my mouth,

So how am I to have my say?

They retort, where I'm from is not where I'll go,

But what's that worth if I make it out alone?

[ilovehimstill]

Atop the sheets

It's so silent here

Sitting crossed legged

Atop my sheets.

So silent I can feel it pressing in on me.

So I return to grieving for the dormant past

Reliving dull memories.

(Cleaning to the tune of the radio,

Open window breeze as I read,

Studying on friday afternoons.)

Basking in the calm.

In who I once was,

And who I long to be once again.

Well, now it's ironic at best.

All the beauty I imagined

Came to life, and more.

But as the spires tower,

I shrink below.

No sunday evening fire to keep me warm.

No old kitchen table to linger at,

Make tea and talk,

Sheltered and safe from the grey dark storm.

So what does one do

In a bedroom alone

Except drag yourself through the past

So vivid you blur the now, and the unknown?

[ilovehimstill]

When The Train Came

I wish we could've stayed like we were,

Laying in the golden grass

Where time stretched out so far

I thought you'd never be just my past.

You kissed my neck as we waited

For the train,

Wearing that pendant

With the initial of your name.

But now the distance makes me sick,

And I only see you through a phone.

Too far away, too tired to try, to fix it.

So I grow into myself, grow more alone.

I know it's circumstance -

What could've been if nothing ever changed.

But life will never be a summer reverie,

So maybe it's time to leave us there -

Beautiful in memory.

I'll try to remember you in the grass,

Wishing the train didn't arrive, but it did

Alas, it did

At last.

[ilovehimstill]

Sun and Moon, Me and You

Deep blue blush

Painted my cheeks.

I wove the night

Into me.

I promised you a golden sunrise

And possibility abound,

That I'd crush my smoked cigarettes

Into the ground.

But each time I reached,

I got the timing wrong:

The sun set into twilight

Wailing the same mournful song.

[ilovehimstill]

My Long-Distance Love

I hate finding it's a two way street,

That love is also grief.

Time and its unholy trinity:

Future, past and me.

But sometimes, I get to agree

Eden isn't some long gone reverie.

It's stitched into your sheets,

And my memories.

And I try, I do, I swear, to be there.

But I'm here, and then I go,

Catch the bus that takes me

Away from home.

So I'm sleeping in your jumper,

The one with traces of your cologne.

But sometimes, somehow,

It makes me more alone.

[ilovehimstill]

Set myself to the flame.

Dear lord, let me be reborn, renamed.

Breathe deep the smoke,

A second language, my first revoked.

I hate this new world in which I live,

Let me run, run, escape.

[ilovehimstill]

Lamp of day burning out,

Chimney smoke hanging thick and low.

As I pace restlessly, alone,

My bright white turns to a weak yellow glow.

Words not typed, retyped, unsent,

My love crookedly translated to distrust.

The record just spins and spins until it stops,

And the fire fails, turning from embers to dust.

[ilovehimstill]

Do you remember it for when it turned bitter?

Or do you romanticize the sweet?

Do you remember in September you showed me your favourite field -

Do you remember in November all the secrets we revealed?

Because I remember you in your kitchen making me half-coffee, half-tea,

I remember learning you played the piano and that you cared for me.

I remember you for your good

Because that won't fade like the bruises and the cuts.

I think it was the cold of January that pulled you from me;

I think the heat of mid july forced us to say goodbye;

But I remember September, November.

Half coffee, half tea, how do you think of me?

You played piano, do you still though?

Laughing on the bus, who makes your new us?

Do you remember the good?

How are your bruises and your cuts?

[ilovehimstill]

Home

If you walk my road,

You see a gate

With red paint

That peels,

And a snow capped mountain

At the end of the field.

If you walk my road,

You see the pub closed down.

Theres nothing in my one horse town.

I wonder,

When you listen to me,

Do you hear the the soft animal cry

In what was otherwise a silent star-filled sky?

Do you hear the evergreen,

The Romantic's lakes, the sycamore tree,

Everything I once loved with familiarity?

Or do you see

how my serenity

Has been stamped out

by that impersonal sandstone.

Does it hang about me,

like an early morning mist,

this feeling of being alone?

If you really look,

I hope you walk down my road.

To the gate

With the red paint

That peels

And the snow capped mountain

Beyond the feild.

[ilovehimstill]

Goodbye

Sheltering from life,

Finding refuge in the night.

A plane trespasses in the sky,

The humming of a distant car passing by.

People crawl on as I lay down to die.

I'm still a child -

For as long as I hide around this corner.

But my stars are fading,

Time is ever changing, as am I.

Goodbye, peace and who I used to be.

Goodbye.

[ilovehimstill]

🎶✨️when you get this, put 5 songs you actually listen to, then publish. Send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool)🎶✨️

Sweet - Lana Del Rey

Tupelo Honney - Van Morrison

Apple Cider Bedroom Verison - Beabadoobee (but also every song ever by Bea)

Now that it's too late, Maria - Dawes

Nails - Saint Levant

So hard to choose just 5!!

[ilovehimstill]

So, it seems what they say about wishing upon a shooting star is true.

My eyes closed, I hoped my happiness into existence - some glittering,

unseen force granted me

you.

So, please, my darling, don't worry.

Our story is the most beautiful folklore.

A tale of two souls, intertwined, rough edges lined with gold,

Dulling the blue, creating something new for when we are old.

[ilovehimstill]

Baby Blue

Baby blue,

At the the bottom of the red.

Watching your shades of green turn to grey

as you get stuck in your head.

Baby blue,

frozen by the phases of the moon.

But your summer will come mid-June, July.

Though they all tell you lies,

your heart shines from your light,

like the moon in the night.

Baby blue,

Like the moon in the night.

[ilovehimstill]

Shades of Green

I could find you anywhere on this planet,

I'd just go where my roots, my heart, my future is planted.

I'd just go where everything grows.

A few stolen hours isn't enough

When your arms is the only place I can wake up,

The only place my shades of green come back to me,

And I see myself clearly.

[ilovehimstill]

I'll give you my best,

As I unpack and undress.

My new home beats

Under your chest.