im-tired-too

[im-tired-too]

ironically in my last vent that was about in 2019? 2018? fuck if i know -- i am in fact non-binary. i use they/he pronouns. so, sorry younger me you were just experiencing depersonalition and dysphoria. 

nothing’s changed really. i have a lover now, we’ve been together for a year and a half. it’s.. nice. i’ve improved in the whole shitty thoughts. i mean, i have an actual support system now. 

also the whole alters shit younger me? pretty sure you have osdd. workin on getting that sorted out when we’re 18. i know you went by ella at the time. it’s nice to see you talk again. my name’s ghostie, pleasure to meet ya. 

[im-tired-too]

what the fuck???/ is??? aHHH?????? everything Is mismatched don't belong together. I feel fuckin torn between female and male. I need to feel like the most girliest girl or the manliest man but I look like a mismatch between the two and I hate it. I am GIRL. GIRL GIRL GIRL GIRL. mY FACE SHOULDN’T BE A MAN’S AND MY BODY SHOULDNT LOOK LIKE A LITTLE’S BOY WITH THIS BAGGY CLOTHING

horrible horrible horrible

this isn't me where is me 

[im-tired-too]

what the fuck is going on what the fuck what the fuck this isn't my fucking body I don't want to exist everything is so digusting I want to vomit

digusting long hair digusting skin digusting nail polish

masculine face thakkd

who am I

This isn't my fucking body I don't have blonde hair. I don't wear nail polish. Digusting. I want to shave it off .

what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck

I've had this body for my whole life but it doesn't feel like me anymore what is happening

[im-tired-too]

if someone flinches don't make fun of them or something. like yeah some people flinch easier!! it's just bugs me when people point it out. I know you aren't going to hurt me it's just a reaction!! my father doesn't really like it when I flinch. he says it makes him feel bad. I only flinch because loud noises and I'm used to people playing rough with me!! but,, um yeah.

please don't make fun of tease people if they flinch alot. one of my friends decided to playfully act like she was going to punch me ;/// it freaked me out for a moment so I'm yeah.

ah,,

[im-tired-too]

fuckin pathetic. can't even read a damn story without having a whole epsiode and going into questioning life again. what the fuck. when did I get so damn weak

[im-tired-too]

mhmmmm pretty damn sure nothing can explain why the hell I literally have a past personality ,, uhh asshole bitch who likes to push everyone away and then me just a mix of boottthhhhhh

like it ain't DID/MPD or anything. one, I'm aware they aren't actual people. unlike alters and such they only personalities. they dont have an appearance or a name or a race. They're literally just me with white hair and black hair. Just the things I gave them. I'm pretty sure it's a coping mechanism. like just givin myself a reason to constantly shifting between the two or being between them.

like alpha is more of the me before I became depressed and stuff. she's my dreamy :DD flUUDYY !! :))) dizzy happy childish state. she's obviously very anixous and twitchy.

queen is just a bitch. no sarcasm. she just wants to tear you down. toxic but she stands up to people and tries to keep bad bad people away. she'll ignore you and is self-absorbed. abandonment issues. like there was a breakdown when I was her and disattached so bad. I was so or she was so damn scared that she would disappear when we get better.

then there's me. jussstttt a mix of them. they're like aniexty and depression in a nutshell.

[im-tired-too]

how do you get help if your parents just forget about it in a few days. like. I've been doin everything I can here. seriously. I was so close to help but my anxiety made me back out.

the only way my parents actually believed me is when an another adult told them.

then they didn't.

because of course someone trying to help me is a fithly bitch.

mhm.

I've wrote a letter to them that failed, told a school counselor which almost landed me into a mental hospital and I've been out of school for 4 months now because of it. (( which even though everyone says it's so much better and she twists it that I'm better. not to mention she is breaking the law ) everything is getting worse because at least at school I could actually socialize which I need to. I'm worse. I can't get help. I can't call a hotline because my phone isn't turned on so I can't make phone calls. I can't talk to my friends because they are either online .. and the three choices I have to ask for help is literally--

choice b: asshole and we're only friends for each other's sanity

choice a: toxic friend who is horny

choice k: she can't do anything.

I don't want to be handed drugs and go on my merry way. I just want someone who can literally fucking tell me what's up with my mental health why I have. it takes away the beating up of not being sure if everything is really true.

like I had a mini stroke a couple days ago and they thought because I was texting them I was googling shit and was overreacting. no?? one, I could barely move or talk and I was having a panic attack too. what the hell were you suspecting me to do. just crawl into your room when y'all are sleeping and say 'hIII I THINK IM HAVING A STROKE'.

exposing emotions and how I really am just fucking scares them. like my mother literally told me she isn't mad at me she just gets upset with all these negative things happening to me. she's so used to me saying it's fine, searching for comfort but now I'm not saying that.

just because you can't handle it doesn't mean you can use it as an excuse. you don't want to take me the hospital but when one of you have the sniffles or a headache then ofc. I was in pain , crouching over, groaning and screaming and crying. what did she do?

call her friend to come take me to the hospital and then goes on and rant about my father being a piece of shit when I'm literally crying here. then wants to say that she doesn't want to go through the hospital thing again?? what??? what the fuck did you do besides just sit there? huh?? I know you're mad my father didn't come with but please just be here with me. stop treating me as a damn friend. j don't wanna know about your sex life or your kinks or your friends or your drama or whatever. I want a mother. I want a mom.

[im-tired-too]

me in the afternoon: donT TRIGGER YOURSELF because you can literally kill yourself any moment with this cold

me, at 3am: :)))))))) can't cope too !!!! >:(( Kajsjdjdjdj haha help pls I'm trying hard

[im-tired-too]

I just found out a fact lLOLLLL

I wAS GOING TO BE PUT IN A FUCKING MENTAL WARD

fuckij aye

and it turns out--

that's it a family fucking histroy

this shit is normal here hahahahahhHHahahahah

IVE GOTTEN BETTER YEAH SURE

no hun I'm just very very fucking good at smiling at you and shifting. she's fucking pathetic. you'll never know me. you'll never know how much we are scared of you.

I've tried to commit suidice two times since I was pulled out of school. I'm so much worst.

My pyshical health is crap.

I'm trying so hard not to push my only friend away but it's so so hard not to. I just want to tell her to leave me alone but I don't want to.

I get so angry and I don't let anyone know. I'm so easily triggered by things. I can't even have someone stare at me without feeling like they are a predator.

I just want help. I can't get help . I've tried so hard to reached out. I've talked to a school counselor but then I was pulled out of school. I should have just went through the hell and went straight away to the hospital even if they would send me to whatever. I'm not going to be able to do this much longer and no one can help me. These people I'm surrounded by don't understand. They've been through this shit and suspect I'll be able to make it out alive too. They don't want to take me to a therapist. My mom twists these stories a thousand times. She admitted that she overreacted and just wanted to get a free week off. No. I. Fucking. Didn't.

She's so much better now.

It's just school.

It's just puberty.

IM NOT FUCKING FINE.

please.

please help me.

please don't yell at me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You can do whatever just please help. Get me on fucking meds or whatever. Get me addicted fuck. I don't care.

I just want help.

please.

[im-tired-too]

FUCK YOU FUCK YOY FUCKF CUI FUCK YOY FUCK YOY FUCCCJJJKK YOU PLEASE LWAFENMENALOME FUCK. YOU

[im-tired-too]

I can't fucking breathe it's everything is so fucking ftoxic please gaufcjbm make it stop

[im-tired-too]

no kknknkkd dndndonon I take it back I don't wanna lay around and just be dreamy anymore please i take it back take it away take it away take it away I have work j need to work I need to work please I can't miss another day I must work please please

[im-tired-too]

tOO MANY PERSONAS jdhdhdhhs

very,,, very annoying and ugh. it's just I don't have a personality. I always change my behavior to adapt to the person. I don't like it,,, because it'ss,,, very very somethin when they crash? when two people are in the same room per say, one makes me extremely childish and woO :D and the other makes a sassy asshole I guess?? oppositessss this doesn't make sense anymore. I am very,, dreamy todayyy I supoose! I'm just thinkin and ventin.

it's just unnerving because it's me but it isn't me. it's just me. myself. I don't understand it. it's not DID because well it really is just me. I just adapt and shift and change my behavior constantly.

it's not just people that can bring on a some kind of different persona, other things too. videos, images, etc. it's not like it just automatically switches and snAps it's just slowly fades into it.

I don't ,,, know what to think about it. I don't know if people honestly like ME me or just,, them? like .. I can't blame them. they'll rarely see the rest of me.

too many traits that crash I guess,,, mm,,

I remembered when I had a small identity meltdown?? I guess?? It was just.. I was really really depressed and being an asshole then it just hit me. that persona or me?? wasn't the actual me?? that im just or they aren't in control I think? I or they would just disappear when it's all over. The former, untouched, would come back. it' strange calling it me or them because IT IS ME but it doesn't feel like it. I act completely different than that time..

[im-tired-too]

things are strange.. very very strange. yesterday eating food was so digusting I could barely manage to eat dinner. every swallow just made me want to choke to death. there were bad bad thoughts too. perhaps it's because I found myself watching these shorts films about things and honestly I thought about just doing those things so I would be with them. a better broken family I guess.

I don't like those thoughts. I don't wanna hurt myself,,, really,,, yknow?? just they're scary.

right now I just feel .. dreamy. a very very dreamy state. I'm not mad or sad or happy. just feeling somewhat nostalgic..

[im-tired-too]

honestly sometimes I'm happy I don't get crushes easily. relationships scare me so much. I don't want to be reason someone is hurt. however when you don't get them often -- when you do .... you aren't so sure. it's always a 'am I sure?' or will they go away if I confess? things like that. crushes are really strange. that one person can break you.

[im-tired-too]

wbOOP FUCKING DO

just keep putting effort in useelessss relationships only for them to leave me without a goodbye note like hey I know I said I liked you and everything more than a friend and shit but hey guess what you aren't important enough for me to tell I'm leaving

like she told everyone else.

just not me.

if her friend didn't tell me if would just be wondering why she was ignoring me

hating myself

fuck you

F U C K YOU !!

so

So

so damn tired of always being the one to change the topic. being the one to pick up an conversation. be there.

I could vent my whole heart out and then all they'll reply with is 'itll be ok'

'just do what you think is right'

save it. if you can't waste a minute to give me some damn actual help then why should I be here for you?

hope you become rich and high and mighty and forget when you were as low as me.

ha.

fuck you.

[im-tired-too]

hmthh ;/// do you ever just kinda put all your problems on your ocs?? like,, I do that alot.. it's just alot of them are either assholes or flirty and like yayyy cool that's fun.. but I wanna get attached to non-kind of those ocs. it never seems like I can love them so much as the I yeahhhh,,,

three of my favorite ocs are just assholes that are fucked up. ones a fennec fox who's a runaway,, he's really cool and I like him alot!! like I don't draw him or use him much but he's sassy and doesn't care. I mean I'm pretty rude,, and I guess sassy when I'm happy but I do tend to be way more sensitive.

my other character is a flirty, loud, playful girl and she has my 'acts idgaf but is really sensitive' problem?? bascially?? shes my first ever oc and her older versions reflect how I was at the time. so yeah,, she also pretty sassy lmao

then my newest is a really really really messed up dude. See why I love him?? he's an asshole, distant and cold but low-self essestem but people actually love him for it!! he has a potty mouth and everything and I love him alot..

it's just annoys me when it seems like all my characters so so similar but not. I never get attached to a soft boy uwu or some shit. I have different kind of ocs!! just not so close with them I guess?? HMrhhh

I don't know where I was going.. I guess this was half me wanting to talk about my babies haha..