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I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit in an air conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch is paid for - that is the life!

Chloe Valentine, probably

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Brooke: You realize you're a bitch, right?

Chloe: It was my nickname in the class yearbook. Ah, memories...

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Jenna: A guy should mess up your lipstick, not your mascara.

Chloe: Mess up my lipstick and people will watch your body get scooped out of a river on the news.

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Whiskey is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Jake Dillinger

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He's small, swift, and formidable-- like a very angry vole!

Jake, talking about Rich

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The SQUIP: I'm sorry, can you stop doing that weird thing with your face?

Jeremy: ...Crying?

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Chloe: What's happening?

Brooke: I think they're laughing at you.

Chloe: That's never happened before. I don't like it.

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You know, if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Trump, Putin and you, I’d shoot you twice.

Jeremy Heere, to the SQUIP

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Rich: You know what I’ve always wondered? How do tall people like you actually sleep at night when the blanket can't possibly cover you from your shoulders to your toes?

Jake: Dude. It's four o'clock in the fucking morning.

Rich: So you can’t sleep, huh?

Rich: …is it because of the blanket?

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Rich: Hey, Jeremy sneezes like a girl!

Jeremy: How about I pound you like a boy?

Jeremy:

Jeremy: That didn't come out right.

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The SQUIP: Could you please not Jeremy this into a worse situation than it already is?

Jeremy: Hold on, did you just use my name as a verb?

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Michael: This should be easy. Like riding a bike!

Jeremy: I broke my arm riding a bike.

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Jeremy: There will come a time when you have a chance to do the right thing.

The SQUIP: I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.

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Jeremy: My mother always told me that good news is always bad news in disguise.

Michael: Was this before she abandoned you?

Jeremy: Yes it was.

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For the worst thing that could possibly happen, this is actually going extremely well.

Michael, at The Play

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Chloe: Don’t you have homework to do?

Jake: My homework has already been taken care of.

[Jake hands the note to Chloe.]

Chloe: [reading his note] "Please excuse Jake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to write, read, or bathe. Yours truly: The Doctor." ...

Jake: [proudly] Wrote it myself!

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The SQUIP doesn't understand the meaning of the words 'innocent bystander'. The closest he comes to it is 'regrettable civilian casualties'.

Jeremy Heere, probably