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Remus: How much longer are we going to ignore the elephant in the room? It's tomorrow, we get our O.W.L. results tomorrow! Merlin, I feel sick.

James: Why? You'll be fine, Moony.

Remus: I know that! I'm not worried about me, I'm worried about you three! If you fail your O.W.Ls you'll have to do 5th year courses again! I don't wanna have to make new friends from scratch, I'll have enough on my plate with the N.E.W.Ts!

James:

Sirius: ...How very considerate of you, Remus.

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McGonagall: Those are not to be distributed tomorrow. Do I make myself clear?

James: But that’s censorship!

McGonagall: Well done. You are correct. You’re being censored. Now go.

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Remus: Day drinking's the best.

Sirius: Day drinking is the best! Aren't we lucky we're both in professions where we can day drink?

Remus: *Are* you in a profession where you can day drink?

Sirius: They all are if you want it bad enough.

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Lily: You know, after I cleaned the food off your face and put you to bed, you said something to me that was pretty scary and dark.

James: Mm. Don't tell me.

Lily: OK, I won't. [pause] I love you, too.

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Sirius: Mother, you've been lying to me my entire life. Just for once, I want you to tell me the truth.

Walburga: Well, people in hell want ice water.

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Sirius: I've broken up with dozens of people, and all of them got over it.

Remus: Actually, none of your exes have ever gotten over you.

Sirius: You're damn right they didn't.

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Lily: Why are you four doing in the corridor after hours?

James: We're conducting an important experiment-

Lily: Okay, you know what? I don't care. In fact, as soon as I started asking the question, I thought to myself, "Why are you asking this? You don't care about the answer."

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Sirius: Mum, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get into Gryffindor. It was the sorting hat's decision. I felt very conflicted about the whole thing.

Walburga: Of course you were. Now will you be a doll, and fetch Mummy a knife?

Sirius: A knife?

Walburga: Oh, I'm sorry, I think you'll find one lodged in the middle of my back.

Sirius: Okay, well, that's a lot.

Walburga: And when you pull it out of my back...

Sirius: Okay, I'm just going to go upstairs.

Walburga: You can plunge it into my heart!

Sirius: [backing away] Okay, Mum.

Walburga: Plunge it into my heart!

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Sirius: Dueling is definitely in my top 5 favorite activities.

James: What are the others?

Sirius: Eating things. Shutting stupid people down verbally. Bubble baths. Masturbating.

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James: Do you still like me?

Lily: Of course I do. So much that it sucks.

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I tricked James into giving me backrubs by saying it made me horny. Joke's on you, dummy, I'm already horny.

Lily Evans

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I don’t have a resting bitch face. My bitch face is always on duty, ever vigilant. My bitch face will rest when its work is done.

Lily Evans

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Peter: This plan seems complicated.

James: To be fair, you once said that about oranges.

Peter: They don’t make any sense! Apples you eat their clothes, but oranges you don’t?

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In my defense, I simply don’t vibe with the law.

Sirius Black

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Potter, can I take you to my therapist? 'Cause he thinks I'm making you up.

Lily Evans

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James: Do you realize that in four weeks from today, we're gonna be married? Four weeks, Lily, FOUR WEEKS!

Lily: Do you realize that you get louder every week?

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James: Sirius, you've had lot of sex right?

Sirius: Today? Some, not a lot.