incurable-bookkl3pt0

[incurable-bookkl3pt0]

I think I might have a new horrible, terrible, fucking amazing story idea.

[incurable-bookkl3pt0]

Now, THIS is excellent advice to those who do not wish to heed to the whole abstinence thing that most schools solely teach. Not that teaching abstinence is bad, just that actually teaching proper methods for safe sex is important because there's always going to be people who won't want to abstain from exploring that aspect of biology with others, and teaching how to SAFELY do that is important.

Keep this nugget of information with you always, and to those active in adult fun, make smart choices, and be safe!

[incurable-bookkl3pt0]

Batman: [swims past Aquaman’s living room] Hello Mera just here to pick up my spare batsub

Batman: [gently picks up the Queen and the chair she’s sitting on in her office and looks under her desk] Excuse me Your Majesty I’m sure I left some batarangs here somewhere

Batman: [pokes head into Hal’s quarters on Oa while Hal is in the shower] Hey where - stop screaming it’s just me - where did you put my prototype interstellar batsignal?

[incurable-bookkl3pt0]

Bruce: where are the kids?

Alfred: they’re going to a fancy dress party tonight. I believe the theme is “famous idiots”.

Dick: [muffled, on the second floor] I don’t care who thought of it first, we can’t all go as Bruce.

Bruce: I’m not sure if I should be flattered or insulted.

Jason: [speaking to Dick] we’re not. Me and Tim are going as Batman and Robin.

Bruce: never mind.

Bruce: *yells* YOU’RE ALL GROUNDED!

Dick: *hollers back* YOU CAN’T GROUND ME I’M AN ADULT!

Tim: *in falsetto* Holy overreaction Batman!

Dick: YOU’RE GOING AS ME??!!!

[incurable-bookkl3pt0]

i find fanonisations of tim drake really funny sometimes, because sometimes people just make him the weird self-insert kid who adores jason todd and spent his childhood hanging out on rooftops maladaptive daydreaming he was a part of the batfamily, and then after jason’s death managed to manifest it into reality, and then after jason comes back its always like

tim, sobbing: oh my god! jason! my big brother!! i cant believe you’re back!!! you are my hero!

jason, pausing mid-chew of a granola bar:

jason: …dude do i know you

dick: this is timothy drake, bruce took him in after his parents died

tim: MY BIG BROTHER!!!!

jason: wait weren’t you our neighbour

tim: I’M YOUR FAMILY

jason, to dick: are we sure about him i mean i used to catch him in our garden aiming cameras at my window

tim: robin makes us magic

jason:

jason: im going back to the league

[incurable-bookkl3pt0]

I live for this BatDrama!

Duke and Jason have been banned from being anywhere near each other in costume because the arguments they will break out into is both too intense and too distracting for patrol. Everyone thinks they're serious but after the first 10-20 times they do it for the love of the game.

Duke: Shut the fuck up.

Jason: You shut the fuck up.

Duke: Zombie

Jason: Flashlight

Duke: That's why the joker still alive

Jason: That's why the joker did what he did to ya mom.

Duke: Nigga where ya mom at? Dea—

Bruce over the comms who, along with the entire bat family has been listening to entire thing: Signal, Red Hood! SPERATE! NOW!

They are now giggling as dick and cass drag them apart.

[incurable-bookkl3pt0]

LMFAO

It starts one evening when Bruce is off-world and Alfred has invited (ordered) everyone to the manor for a cup of tea. Predictably, this soon devolves into bickering which somehow morphs into all the kids sharing stories about their time in the manor, trying to out-do each other. Here, Alfred starts telling them stories about the people who have lived in this house before; generations of Waynes long gone. One in particular, he tells them, a young woman called Catherine, suffered terribly through her life and died at the hands of a scorned lover in this very house. Sometimes, Alfred claims, you can hear her ghost wandering through the halls, singing sorrowfully or weeping.  

Damian scoffs at this and says that it’s “clearly nonsense”.

And that’s when it truly starts, with one of the kids having the idea that “a few weird noises here, a fluttering curtain there… it should be doable to convince my pseudo-siblings that there’s a ghost.” Except this is the batfamily who are all complete trolls so it’s not one of the kids. It’s all of them. Even Damian figures that “Drake is gullible” and it would be worth the trouble to scare the shit out of Tim.

And so the great ghost-campaign of 2012 begins. Tim and Steph quickly pair up for maximum effect; with Tim putting speakers in the vents that plays a track he found online called “ethereal crying” and Steph taking on the role as “Catherine”, sweeping down the halls in a wig and a floaty gown and fake crying into a handkerchief.

Damian, being tiny, crawls through the vents, playing recordings of a woman crying near wherever Tim is at the moment (doing this he actually manages to break one of Tim’s speakers. He doesn’t notice). When Tim is caught without airpods and actually hears Damian’s recording, he thinks Steph must really be working overtime on the ghost thing.

Dick spends hours crouched on top of beams and chandeliers making sniffling noises, and leaves silk gloves with the initials “C.W.” embroidered on them on everyone’s pillows. Damian is the only one who notices, since only he and Tim actually sleep at the Manor and Tim is always way too sleep-deprived to either take note of or care about what’s on his pillow.

Damian decides that Tim’s the one who left the glove and vows to double his efforts. Tim remains oblivious to the crusade against him.

Jason sneaks into the Manor at night to leave fake blood on the floor outside the west wing. Cass finds him and convinces him that fake blood won’t cut it and they both get way too involved and end up “donating” their own blood to the cause. The blood is mopped up by Alfred before any other sibling can find it.

Damian places portable air-conditioners on the coldest setting over Tim’s favorite spots in the Cave and Library. Tim starts wearing scarfs.

Dick dresses up as a Victorian Lady and stalks the halls of the manor, lamenting “her” fate. In the dark, a been-awake-for-48-hours and high-on-caffeine Tim mistakes him for Stephanie and greets him way too loudly with “diD You GeT A nEW DResS?” This freaks Dick out entirely and he falls out of the open window he had been sadly mourning his death in front of.

Jason and Cass get really stuck on the whole blood thing and leaves a torn-up, bloodied white dress on a hook in the library. Stephanie takes one look at it and thinks that someone has stolen HER dress and ruined it, and takes it as proof for a later date.

Damian, slightly departing from the “ghost persona” in favour of torturing Tim, starts leaving thorny roses where Tim will step on them with bare feet, which is mostly in the shower.

Tim starts questioning his sleeping-schedule and resolves to maybe dial back on energy drinks. He also puts everyones shoes in the freezer when they come over and return them to the hall before they leave, so they’ll think a cold chill has just passed along the floor.

On the whole, they’re all too busy to actually notice what everyone else is up to -or get frightened by it. Bruce however, is not.

Newly returned from off-world, he starts noticing things. Voices in the vents, drafts in the cave, blood on the floor outside the west wing (that he has Alfred mop up). All the kids are fine, but obviously someone is breaking into his house. Obviously.

This leads him to scour the cctv footage where he sees a strange, crying woman meandering through the halls at night. When he investigates the blood, the camera shows him a shadowy figure standing right where the blood was (Cass, geared up because both she and Jason takes this way, way, too seriously). 

His paranoia now fully woken from its (very light) slumber, he tries to find the hole in the Manor’s defenses. Late one evening, when he’s coming back from patrolling the grounds, he sees a victorian woman fall from a second story window with a scream and land in a heap of skirts. When he gets there, she’s gone (Dick made himself scarce, not wanting to be discovered by Tim), but a few days later, he thinks he sees a bloodied, ripped dress on one of the cameras in the library. When he gets there, it’s gone. Meanwhile, Titus keeps bringing him silk gloves with strange initals on them and he hears sniffling cries and singing everywhere. Finally, he reaches a logical explanation.

“I have seen stranger things” he tries to comfort himself, even as he’s putting up fifty new cctv cameras and lines the corridors with salt for good measure. “aliens. demons. the Court of Owls.” He researches ghost-prevention techniques and contemplates whether martial arts would have an effect on a non-entity. He buys iron and re-watches Ghost Busters. Finally, he believes himself both well-equipped enough to handle the threat, and well-informed enough to accurately decide what it is exactly (a ghost born of tradegy, not vengeful but possibly dangerous if crossed).

Confident that he now has the situation back under control, Bruce holds a briefing with all the kids to explain and assign roles for the mission to get rid of the ghost. For years after the fact he vehemently denies this meeting ever taking place and tries (unsuccessfully) to track down all copies of the photos and videos his children took during the six hours of ghosthunting he led them on before one of them (Dick) finally lost it enough for Bruce to notice.

[incurable-bookkl3pt0]

Oof. Relatable as hell.

[incurable-bookkl3pt0]

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[incurable-bookkl3pt0]

I need a fanfic using this very idea on my desk yesterday omfg

there was a point in Gotham where the nightlife dynamics got really weird because one of the batkid’s came up with the game ‘rogue Pokémon’ where whenever there was a multiple-rogue outbreak they would all split up and find a rogue to choose as their own, and then while fighting them they’d subtly heard them towards one of the other batkids and their chosen rogue, and then they’d manipulate the rogues into fighting each other while they stood to the side and yelled fighting techniques like Pokémon trainers, and eventually the rogues started teaming up with Batman to make them stop playing it because it was making them feel objectified and demeaned.

the game came to a natural conclusion when the Joker broke out specifically because he thought it would be fun to be one of the Pokémon used by the batkids, except when he made himself known to Red Hood Jason just shot him point blank in the skull and said it was the rogue Pokémon equivalent of using a masterball on him.

the batkids are banned from creating their own games.

[incurable-bookkl3pt0]

wikipedia no longer being anywhere near the top of search results when looking up anything feels eviscerating

[incurable-bookkl3pt0]

occasionally i splurge on a treat food, and this time round that food was a pricy jar of marinated seafood suspended in oil (octopi, squid rings, shrimp etc) and now I'm left with a jar of seafood and salt infused oil

any ideas for this stuff? I don't wanna be throwing out like, 400 mLs of oil....

my first thought is maybe an aglio e olio, perhaps?

[incurable-bookkl3pt0]

in loving memory of my favorite shirt

[incurable-bookkl3pt0]

the fact that Jason formed the outlaws and technically became a well known international vigilante as well as just a Gotham hero is actually so interesting to me. i wanna see an au where Jason just stayed an outlaw and never went back to Gotham at all. never revealed his identity, but became a well known hero with ties to various members of the JLA anyway because of Roy and Kori. eventually, for some reason, Red Hood is asked to become an official member, and then we get the absolutely golden scenario of the smug as shit Red Hood, feet up on the table at the watchtower, unflinchingly staring down the pissed off form of Batman sat opposite, well fucking aware that he is the only member of the JLA that Bruce won’t be able to figure out the identity of. it is driving Bruce NUTS and Jason is having the time of his life.

meanwhile Constantine is sat in the corner, head bouncing back and forth between them, fully aware of everything, content to watch shit go down only because 1: its funny and 2: Jason bought him a smoothie

i just wanna see anonymous JLA member Red Hood dancing circles around Batman due to his secret identity and immense knowledge/experience of fucking with B, and absolutely nobody can figure out how he does it.

[incurable-bookkl3pt0]

I'm taking away the rights of youtube essayists to cover people who were in freak shows until they prove to me they actually read about freak shows and understand that their modern view on them is absolutely off the mark. It's a real case of "Well, nowadays we know this is shitty, so obviously, it must have been shitty at the time."

Bearded lady who was likely never to marry in her hometown: "I am trained in four languages, sing opera, can tell jokes with perfect comedic timing, and I could literally leave this show at any point and tour on my own and still make a fuckton more money than I ever would have seen in my life otherwise."

And that's actually the truth of a lot of freak show performers. They knew they were oddities, and they knew there was money in it. And a lot of them did very well for themselves and also had fulfilling lives surrounded by a community of fellow freaks who knew how difficult it could be to get stared at and also knew that all of them were really and truly human beings.

It just feels like the "OMG they were SO EXPLOITED" is always done, especially by people who haven't actually done any research on the freak shows themselves. When freak shows were big business, it was IMPERATIVE show owners didn't piss off their employees because they could and would just fuck off and join a different show or simply go out on their own. These people knew their worth, but the way some people talk about them now, they clearly think the freaks were absolutely getting treated like shit and didn't know how to get out of it.

[incurable-bookkl3pt0]

Nothing gives the same kind of random ego boost like managing to finally clean up your home and making it nice. Like ooh look at me, I'm living like people do, I made myself iced tea and I am eating my snack from a real plate. I got floors and shit.