Tim: Sleeping is nice because you're not actually dead and you're not awake so it's a win-win situation.
Dick: Tim no—
Damian: It's like being dead without the commitment.
Stephanie: An open relationship with death.
Jason: Death with benefits.
Detective comics #1000
(Spoiler, no one got kicked out of the family)
Thinking about Batman fighting for his kids when he’s off-world.
He’s stuck in a situation he really shouldn’t survive, and then he’s reminded of the consequences of his traipse through time. Cass’s distance from the family, the larger bags beneath Dick’s eyes, Tim’s missing organ.
He thinks of Jason’s smile, oftentimes jaded but occasionally glowing, and he knows he needs to see it again. He’s wishing to god in that moment for one of Steph’s snarky comebacks. Duke is making more progress with fully controlling his powers, and Bruce is determined to be there for every minute of it. The want for an opportunity to throw a chess match with Damian, who will undoubtedly challenge him to another match immediately after, tugs at his heartstrings.
Just. Bruce fighting for his kids. Batman fighting for his kids.
I sense sarcasm, Timothy.
(Steph and Jason are #1 Team Chaos but these two gremlins are a solid 2nd place.)
dick, steph, and duke all working together are the riddler's greatest nightmares. dick is basically the master of every play on words you could think of, duke has wayyy more puzzle experience than a 21st century child should ever have, and steph was literally raised by his understudy 💀💀💀
If the batkids had a podcast. Part. XX
Spoiler: (nervous laugh) So this is a special episode–
Harley: Hello Gotham!
Red Robin: Don't– Don't get so fucking close to the mic.
Harley: Don't tell ME what to do Midnighter Jr.
Red Robin: Haha you're so fun– Fuck you
Spoiler (laughing): But you do look like Midnight–
Red Robin: Spoiler–
Nightwing: We're being held hostage.
Harley: Oh, cmon– Okay. It's not– It is not hostage if I'm not actively hurting you. Right Hood?
Redhood: Take this fucking gun out of my face.
ok consider this: au where dick gives jason robin… but does not stop being robin also. two robins. which flavor did you get, extra flippy or statistically more likely to kick you in the nuts than anywhere else? tim gets adopted? also robin. steph is robin when she feels like it. jason, resurrected, puts on a completely different suit and becomes robin… 2, the redux? robin 2.1? robin 5? damian gets adopted. who's he gonna steal robin from? surprise, bitch, there's four robins and you also get to be robin! cass is robin. duke is robin. alfred has to emergency medivac someone in one of the backup cars, his regular getup, and a domino. someone asks who he is and he answers "robin" in perfect deadpan. bruce is the only one who doesn't get to be robin and he's not sad about it, everyone, please take this seriously.
when the babysitter (her mom) cancels at the last minute (gets called into the hospital), so you fall asleep on the sofa instead of going out and punching criminals
Inspired by @qcomicsy post about random things the Batfam says without context.
"Hey, do you have any suggestions on how I should kill my uncle?"
"Oh don't worry, he's not real"
"-And that's how I figured out I was bisexual"
"I'm sorry, but you lost me after the bit with the floods"
"I wasn't listening after you said Superman got kidnapped by a frat house"
"Are we going to ignore the part where Brown implied that she had something to do with JFK's assassination?"
Tim: Guys. There's something I've been meaning to tell you. I'm-
Dick: -dating Kon
Jason: -secretly a serial killer
Damian: -a complete moron. This is old news
Steph: -finally going to stop bitching to me when Damian grows taller than you?
Tim: I can't believe Jason's guess was the closest
Dick: I'm not irresponsible! I'm sooo responsible! Name one time I wasn't the paragon of responsibility
Tim: That time you got drunk, stole a dog and climbed a tree to crown yourself the wolf king while completely naked?
Steph: That time you got drunk and dove into Gotham Harbour completely naked?
Jason: The time you got drunk and tried to seduce Wally-
Dick, defeated: -completely naked. Yeah, okay, I get the picture.
Jason: Actually, you were fully clothed for this one. But you were also committing grand theft auto at the time so...
Dick: Check out how many marshmallows I can fit in my mouth!
Jason: Weak! Do it while trying to chug an energy drink!
Damian: *disgusted* I can't believe I used to look up to you
"Is there any villain in Gotham that hasn't hooked up with Bruce?"
"That depends. Are there any new villains in Gotham?"
"Ah. Then no"
Bruce: -And you're sure that when I go into the Cave, I won't find any of your animals?
Damian: *nodding as Cass and Steph try to get BatCow up the stairs* Mmmhm
Tim, wincing in pain: Rules were made to be broken
Bruce: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken
Duke: Uh, piñatas
Jason: Glow sticks
Duke: Karate boards
Jason: Spaghetti when you have a small pot
Tim, still in pain: Bones
Bruce: *tired dad voice* No, Jason. You cannot weaponize Tim's skinny elbows by throwing him at people.
Bruce: -so you're sure that when I step down into the Cave, I won't find the Gotham Sirens playing poker?
Steph: *Nodding as Cass and Damian burn the evidence behind him* Mhmm!
Damian: Stop saying he's "indulging in only child behaviour" every time Drake commits an act of terrorism
Damian: Nothing you say can get under my skin
Tim: Are you sure...Ian?
Damian: ...I'm giving you till the count of three-
31 days of DC
Day 27: Who’s your favorite sidekick?
Robin, all of them.
Can You See My Colors Too?
Batfamily Week 2023 day 2: Platonic Soulmates | Sick Day | “Please… stay, don’t go.”
Bruce is Selina’s soulmate, but the same can’t be said in reverse.
Alternate universe where you only see colors when your soulmate is nearby.
The evening host smiled at the audience.
“Welcome back to the show! As you all know, this is the game show where we see just how well soulmates know each other. Today, we’re joined by Gotham's royal couple themselves, Selina Kyle and Bruce Wayne!”
Bruce and Selina waved as the spotlights shined on them. She laced her fingers with his, gazing into his baby blue eyes with a smile, which he returned.
“Here’s how this will work,” the man said. “You guys are gonna stand on opposite sides of this divider and answer a series of questions about each other to see if you’re truly the perfect fit.”
A crew member led them to two podiums with cameras pointing down from overhead. Selina glanced at Bruce one more time before standing on the red X and uncapping her dry-erase marker.
“Round One is easy—the color round. Are you ready?”
“Since before you were born,” Selina joked while Bruce gave the host a thumbs up.
A dark blue curtain fell between them. As expected, the colors faded incrementally each time she blinked. A minute later, the world was back to the monochromatic grays that it was before she met him.
The host cleared his throat. “First question: what colors are your soulmate wearing?”
Pfft, this was easy. Before they left, Alfred spent twenty minutes digging for a burgundy tie so Bruce could match her dress.
“Answers in three… two…”
They flipped the boards toward the cameras. Selina’s, predictably, said burgundy. Bruce, on the other hand, wrote purple with a few question marks. She glanced at her dress. Not that she could discern the color right now, but it was something between scarlet and purple. And considering Bruce didn’t pick his own clothes half the time, it wasn’t a stretch to say he didn’t refer to them by obscure shades.
“I’ll give it to you,” the host said. “It’s one of those in-between colors.”
Bruce laughed. “Just because I see colors doesn’t mean I have to learn them all, does it?”
The host replied, “Tell that to my husband. He collects paint swatches for fun.”
Selina said, “Bruce, you guys should meet up since you can’t decide how to paint the bathroom.”
“Just do some of everything, it’s easier that way.”
The host laughed and flipped to the next question card. “Second question, and this is for Selina. Earlier backstage, you gave him part of your donut. What color was the frosting?”
“Easy,” she said, not even bothering to write it down. “Brown with pink sprinkles.”
“That is correct!” he turned to Bruce. “Before the show, you also brought her roses. What color were they?”
“Um…” Bruce drummed his fingers on the podium. “The color… rose?”
The audience members whispered. Selina furrowed her eyebrows. They were just red roses. Even if he forgot—which he wouldn’t because he was the World’s Greatest Detective—anyone could guess.
“Always the jokester,” the host said. “But sadly, I can’t give you that point.”
The host flipped his card. “This one’s simple: what is your soulmate’s eye color?”
Blue. Selina wrote it down and showed the camera.
She peeked around the curtain at Bruce. His green marker hovered over a clean board. He looked like he was entering a fresh crime scene—turning over every possibility until he could make a calculated guess. She stepped away and let the curtain fall back.
Read the rest on Ao3
Stephanie and Jason in makeshift disguises (they forgot their masks) (still remembered their guns tho) (and their matching hoodie vests)
stephanie continues to be the only sensible batfam member
Batboys: *intense drama up to and including actual murder attempts over who gets to be Robin*
Batgirls: All three of us are Batgirl at the same time and y'all can just figure it out
Steph: Snow got me feeling some kind of way!
Cass: That's hypothermia.
Steph: Dammit, the parademics told me it was the magic of Christmas
Cass: It's the middle of February.