invisiblesufferings-blog

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nvm this community is so toxic imo byeee

just because u put ‘not-pro’ in your hashtags doesnt make you any less pro, you’re glorifying a mental disorder pls check urself

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tried recovery for a while, didnt work, here i am

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WILL BE MORE ACTIVE ON HERE IF U WANNA FOLLOW

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self harmed badly again and binged for the like 5th time today and i was starting to feel suicidal and so i texted the suicide hotline thingy and it was fine to start with but all the replies sound so fucking automated and fake and its pissing me tf off

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TW

binged this morning (190cal)

only 12:35 and im already covered in blood 🙃

now i have to get dressed and go outnfor more fucking food which honestly i cannot do right now so im just going to cause more arguments and i feel like absolute shit

WHAT A WAY TO START THE DAY ✨

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I LOOK SO FAT IN ALL MY PROM PHOTOS I WANT TO DIE

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all this shit is happening to me and i feel so shit mentally but all they’re telling me to do is to eat better and eat more??? i feel like im trapped!! i either dont eat and they take my control away or i do eat and then feel like shit!

suddenly suicide seems like a pretty valid option and that’s scaring me

basically since i last posted: nothings changed. i still hate myself. ive been purging more but also eating more. i love cereal.

with camhs they’ve moved my ratio so that i see the ED team more than my other keyworker WHICH SUCKS because i love my keyworker and i dont know the new one at all and suddenly im supposed to start just telling her all my problems??? no

my grandma told them about me going away to germany with my friends and now it seems like they’re going to try and stop me doing that! and also they’re threatening that i wont be able to start school again in september BUT IM NOT EVEN FUCKING SKINNY HOW EMBARRASSING IS THAT?!

my auntie is visiting and she’s trying to get us to eat more as a family which I KNOW FOR A FACT is just her trying to see what i’m eating, she’s already been chatting shit about the milk i drink (low cal almond) and saying i should just drink normal milk! she keeps asking me what food i’m making and its really pissing me off - so far i’ve just been eating whilst my family are around and not eating when they’re not around 🤷🏻‍♂️, that way it seems like im eating more when i’m just fasting the rest of the time #sciencebitch

i had a donut last night which i didnt want to have so i fasted until 16:30 today and then had a smoothie bowl (150) and some ricecakes (68) = 218

tonight my auntie wants us to watch TV together and ‘have some snacks’ so i’m going to wait until then to have my ‘dinner’ which will probably be a salad or something??

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basically since i last posted: nothings changed. i still hate myself. ive been purging more but also eating more. i love cereal.

with camhs they’ve moved my ratio so that i see the ED team more than my other keyworker WHICH SUCKS because i love my keyworker and i dont know the new one at all and suddenly im supposed to start just telling her all my problems??? no

my grandma told them about me going away to germany with my friends and now it seems like they’re going to try and stop me doing that! and also they’re threatening that i wont be able to start school again in september BUT IM NOT EVEN FUCKING SKINNY HOW EMBARRASSING IS THAT?!

my auntie is visiting and she’s trying to get us to eat more as a family which I KNOW FOR A FACT is just her trying to see what i’m eating, she’s already been chatting shit about the milk i drink (low cal almond) and saying i should just drink normal milk! she keeps asking me what food i’m making and its really pissing me off - so far i’ve just been eating whilst my family are around and not eating when they’re not around 🤷🏻‍♂️, that way it seems like im eating more when i’m just fasting the rest of the time #sciencebitch

i had a donut last night which i didnt want to have so i fasted until 16:30 today and then had a smoothie bowl (150) and some ricecakes (68) = 218

tonight my auntie wants us to watch TV together and ‘have some snacks’ so i’m going to wait until then to have my ‘dinner’ which will probably be a salad or something??

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i took 3 lax this morning and i havent eaten today and boy oh boy im in pain

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hey! not dead

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officially started my big ‘fast’! finished my exams yesterday and had a chill day today, i’ve been wanting to do this for weeks and now i have only 16 days to reach my goal weight so here we go!

drinks allowed:

coke zero, water, flavoured water, diluted juice, any diet drink

food: instant soup only if i need to! odd nibbles of fruit are okay and yoghurt too.

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just had my first actual large binge in ages, 3 slices of cheesecake, 2 cookies and a massive bowl of cereal. ironically it was triggered by one of my friends calling me a ‘fat bitch’ for stealing one of his chips (it was a joke dw) but he doesnt know about my ed so it hurt alot lmao considering it was the only thing i’d eaten today apart from some pringles :/

anyways i planned on having more but my stomach has definitely shrunk and i felt sick anyways so it was only a 10 min purge lmao and i got a good amount of it out so i’m feeling okay :)

having a bath whilst smoking some weed as an ‘end of exam treat’ which is very exciting! need to remember that food isn’t a reward. im not a dog.

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me: *considers recovery for a split second*

my brain: well actually you’re overweight and have been overweight or obese the entire time youve allegedly suffered from an “eating disorder” so is there really anything to “recover” from?

me: u right tho,

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purged during the ad break of a tv show and i have such a bad headache now ffs

love how i literally can’t keep anything down anymorw, managed a salad and a 2 cereal bars today and even then i ran around for like 20 minutes because i felt bad, purged twice aswell after nibbling on some potato wedges and some crisps

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fun drinking game: take a shot of water every couple hours to make sure you’re healthy and hydrated

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This whole blog is just a conversation I am having with myself

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Going into therapy like