isookhelp-blog

[isookhelp-blog]

During life you’re either going through excruciating pain or waiting for the next gut punch from such a unforgiving universe.

[isookhelp-blog]

Reblog if anxiety is literally crippling you right now

[isookhelp-blog]

It’s so hard going to sleep at night, with the knowledge it could be the last time.

[isookhelp-blog]

Part 5 - Stronger

The truth in life is that shitty people do shitty things, and yeah that seems pretty blunt but its the absolute truth. Deal with it. The world however, also does not give a flying fuck about your unhappiness. I learned this the hard way, from things like heartbreak, people being assholes, life just beating me down. But you know what? When I hit my lowest point, when all I wanted to do is curl up in a ball and die, I found something inside me. Something I wouldn’t trade for the world. A little ball of potential that wanted to escape, that wanted to go and explore the world, become stronger, better, smarter. Because you see when you escape someone so cruel, so possessive, it destroys you internally, Why you ask? because they’ve alienated you from all the people you love, your friends, your family. They take away who you are as a person, you’re lost. You don’t know what to do. You are empty. So I’ll be honest, I begged and pleaded for her to take me back, I was so lost, she was my only security. I wanted to be stable, even when I knew that I would ultimately be happier when I found myself once again. I wanted so badly for her to change, for her to become the person I thought she could be. But you can’t change people, and you can’t save people that aren’t willing to be saved.  Also, a lesson truly learned. So I cried, and I cried, I was pathetic, I did anything to rid myself of thinking about her. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, I just wanted to die. I would stay at friends, do anything not to be alone. But you will be alone eventually, and when that struck, I would cry more and more, and my anxiety wouldn’t stop. This continued for weeks and weeks, I gave up, I thought it was the end. But something inside me fought and fought until I was okay, that told me that I didn’t need someone so cruel. That I didn’t need that bitch. I started working out, studying, making friends and loving myself. I decided to forgive, and let go of my hatred. I decided to replace it with love for myself. So lesson of the day, you don’t need other people to make you happy, you have yourself, and you are a wonderful person. Trust me, you are.

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Part 4 - Not The Smartest Cookie

Intelligence is important in any good relationship, it doesn’t really matter what level its at, as long as its at the same level. However, this was not the case, my ex and I were definitely not on the same wave length. Meaning one of us likes to watch Game of Thrones, and one of us likes to watch Teen Mom. See? you can call someone an idiot without actually calling them an idiot. But yes she was and is an complete not-so-smart person. This made it hard for me, complex things would completely go over her head, this would become a main reason for our insistent arguing. Its not her fault, she just couldn't understand the things I was trying to say, and was mad that she couldn’t. Smart individuals are also able to take criticism, and guess what she could not take in a million years? Criticism. Literally any of it, no matter what she did, I was the bad guy for not telling her she wasn’t a “perfect little snowflake”. That since she was failing a course she should change her habits, that if she didn’t like her body she has the power change that too. No matter what I was the bad guy. She was perfect. But my body and my grades? Mocked and made fun of, and when I said “Enough!” she would laugh it off like it was nothing. The problem is that I would try to improve her, and she would only break me down. And when I did try to improve her with constructive criticism, I was apparently being insensitive, but when she openly tells me to have abs because Ive become “chunky”, shes just looking out for me. See someone who wants things but doesn’t work for it will never accomplish anything, you can dream but hard work is what separates the great from the meek. You see my ex wanted a large house, and huskies and kids, but when it comes down to it, she was extremely lazy and wanted everything given to her. Want an example? try every day with her. Wake up, get her Tim Horton's, come back and watch Teen Mom, make sure she knows how loved she is, make sure she feels safe and happy. Sound sad? It is, but I loved her so very much. I let her take advantage of me.. so today’s lesson is to never let anyone take advantage of you, have self-respect, and above all else love yourself, because in the end, that's all you have.

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Part 3 - Roommates (Oh Joy)

If you are up to date with each part, I expect you remember my despicable roommates. We shall not go into names, faces or anything of that nature. Sorry, I’m not into witch-hunts. But I will tell there stories, and how it fucked me up. The first I would like to discuss is the manipulative one, oh hes a character, well I guess we can start with him fucking one of neighbors (three times I hear) while leading on another one of the girls. pretty fucked up right? The girl that was led on would eventually date that guy (also pretty fucked up). But that's a good example of how good he is at manipulation. The manipulative one would go on to create a sort of “haven” for the misfits of residence. Well as time goes on, alcohol and drugs take over these misfits lives, ruining some and creating more idiots in the world. Partying almost everyday, It didn't matter what day it was, there they were having a grand ole time. Oh the joys of hearing drunk assholes at 3am on a Tuesday. All of this accumulated in a rather messy incident, where manipulative one and the others take way too much ecstasy and come back overdosed on it. Yeah I can hear you and it IS pretty fucked up isn't it? This traumatizes both my current girlfriend and the rest of us. And for a while we exiled him, and everything was fine, stable, not fucked up. But idiots are idiots and eventually he made his way back in, fucking everything up once again. Not his fault, people are trusting, I am certainly not. If you find this post, manipulative one, I hope you know I see through your bullshit, I see through everything. You turned people against me, isolated me, took advantage of others in order to get what you want, but you won’t win, you made me strong, stronger than I would've ever imagined. Oh you are wondering about the others? I don’t blame them, weak minds will be easily tricked by charismatic figures (see: Donald Trump) but they did isolate me, believing that they owned our apartment, they did make me feel less of a person, they were a reason I wanted to end my life. So, to them too, fuck off. But don’t worry worthy reader, I am okay, I moved away from the situation, I found people I love, and that I love me, I found self-love, and I finally figured out the fucked up shit that happened to me wasn't my fault. The lesson is ladies and gents, that you can change, you don’t have to deal with a shitty situation, you can be happy, and yes sometimes it involves a lot of pain.

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Part 2 - Happy Beginnings

Okay lets get this started, but to do this we must dive deep into the past, and as hard as this is for me, its critical to the story. Growing up, I was bullied. Oh I hear the judgement, “everyone has been bullied” you say to yourself, but none other like me. Coming from a small town, and being ethnic, I faced a slew of racism and isolation. Pissing in shoes, seems pretty fucked up right? well that was a normal occurrence for me. Sitting in the bathroom at lunch out of complete fear. Dodging phones and pencils and anything else those angry bastards could find. Also a norm for me. Not that any of this is critical to the plot of my relationship, but it does give you an idea of why I have such extreme anxiety, fear of people, and absolute fear of being hurt. So lets fast track this, a few years in the future, to my first week at University. I had chosen to live on the on-campus residence, something that I would quickly regret. Why? because I had been put on an apartment with five of the most despicable people on earth. Oh, at first they didn’t seem that way, all fine gentleman at first, but honestly when one of your roommates gets blackout drunk on the first day on campus, I would move out immediately. How do I know this? because that happened to me, and I chose to stay. I shouldn’t have. So the story goes on us and the six girls next door become a “family”, this is also when I would meet my ex. I really should have seen it before this all started, her constant mood swings, her craziness and inability to control herself. I should have seen it before I caught feelings. But I didn't. I wanted someone to love me so badly. No one ever had before, and I wanted to find someone who could. So on that fateful night we kissed on that dance floor, I fell head over heals, it was so intoxicating it filled me up with joy. That night was wonderful, we kissed and talked, she seemed perfect, what a fucking facade. But none the less, in that moment I found the “love” I was looking for. At that moment everyone was “happy”.

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Part 1 - Intro into my unhappiness

So if you are reading this you’re probably wondering why, well its a long story. This story contains the secrets about my life, but mostly about my ex, someone who broke my heart, insulted my family, and changed me internally. Yeah I know what you’re thinking, “break-ups happen, big deal”, and you are not wrong, not at all, but they do hurt like a bitch though. Especially when that person is someone who promises you a life filled with patience and love, instead substitutes it with a fucked-up possessive love filled with stress. So why? why do I still love her after knowing full well how possessive she was with me, and how much stress she put on me? Yeah I honestly don’t know either. This series is meant as a sort-of self help book, a biography for me, and something to get my mind off the bitch that took my heart and shattered it. Subscribe for more.