itsleafourie

[itsleafourie]

Honestly the best piece of advice I can give to younger girls trying to figure life out is to completely ignore men. I’m not being quirky or cute when I say that, I mean it seriously. Ignore men’s judgments of you, ignore their insincere compliments, ignore their half-assed romance. Focus on developing yourself. Practice your art, play sports, do theater, volunteer, spend time with your friends, but do not put substantial effort into pleasing men. They’ll be there for you to pursue when the time comes and if you want to. But nothing will waste your youth more than fighting for male acceptance.

[itsleafourie]

SR motivering

In ‘n tyd waar ons samelewing so gebroke en vol donkerte is, glo ek dat ‘n persoon eerste die klein gemeenskap van ‘n skool moet inspireer om verandering aan te wend. So, sal ‘n butterfly effect plaasvind. My hoof doelwit met die skool is om ‘n eenheid te skep; ek praat nie net van eenheid tussen die bevoorregte kinders nie, maar eenheid tussen die bevoorreg en die minder bevoorreg, tussen die verskillende kulture, gelowe, rasse en agtergronde en tussen die wat dikwels voel asof hul misgekyk word. Ek wil ‘n vriendin wees vir almal, en ek wil hê dat almal vir my as ‘n vriendin kan sien. Ek wil nie voorkom as ‘n persoon wat net daar is vir ‘n sekere klas mense nie, maar wil die idee van eenheid, groei en vertroue uitstraal en simboliseer. Ek wil ‘n veilige omgewing skep vir almal, waar almal deel voel en waar almal hul drome kan ontwikkel, om ‘n beter toekoms te bou. Laastens, wil ek ‘n groep kinders aanmoedig om saghartigheid en hoop te versprei in hierdie skool, sodat die rassistiese haat, geslagsgebaseerde geweld en xenofobie in ons land uiteindelik versmoor sal word. Ek sê nie dat ek die einste voorbeeld van perfeksie uitstraal nie, want daar het al verskeie stories oor elke persoon in hierdie gange geloop, maar ek sal ‘n voorbeeld stel van ‘n transformasie, ‘n groeiende individu en ‘n persoon wat elke dag opstaan om haarself te verbeter. My plan vir die skool is om nie net na ‘n klein handjies kinders se vereistes te luister nie, maar na elke individuele – en ek sal begin met diegene wie se stem die sagste is. 

[itsleafourie]

Men Are Trash

Why is it when you read, “Men are trash,” you are suddenly offended about this statement because it suggests this idea that all men are trash. But when you read, “women are raped,” there is no anger about the inclusiveness that ‘women’ suggests, never mind the second part of the statement that involves actual violence and assault.

You see, the ‘MenAreTrash’, isn’t there to offend all men, but rather to enlighten the fact that most rape and murder crimes are committed by men, and that the average man has – because of our culture – normalized inappropriate behaviour towards a woman, at least once in their life.

It all starts with a small stroke. It starts with one person who stands up for a cause. This results simultaneously into an ever-growing wave that starts to form. Without the one stroke of strength, of luck, of resistance; the entire impact will never start to take flame.

How many women still need to give up their lives in order for you to realize the reality of the situation? How many more children need to be abducted in order for you to realize that society has adopted this “cover blanket” which gets constantly thrown over these crimes? How many more stories need to be told about rape and gang violence before you realize that, one day, the ‘damsel in distress’ could be you or your daughter? How many children, daughters, babies, mothers and grandmothers need to experience the feeling of unsafety and anxiety before you start to change your mindset from “not all men” to “well, maybe most of them”? How many rapists and murders need to be allowed to walk free until you realize that even the system, the government and the privileged of our society is against us?

You see, this sexist persona is so enrooted into our culture and personality that some of us don’t even realize how we normalize this predatory agenda. We make jokes about rape, about sexual assault, about girls being slutty or about girls being stubborn, about misogyny and about men being more powerful than women. We don’t accept the facts: we don’t accept that the pay gap exists, we don’t accept the fact that every women deserves the right to abortion and universal healthcare,  we don’t accept the statistics of gender inequality in our western society, as well as in the east, and thus we will never face the roots of these overpowering problems.

The root of gender-based violence is the normalizing of women inferiority, in comparison with the men. Now, because of this ideology that women are something to be owned or to be supervised, females all around the world and in our society are suppress to listen to the man. If not, punishment will follow. Women are forced to be dependent of men, in order to maintain their own safety. In the end, we unknowingly feed this belief that a man’s opinion of a woman determines her worth – “worth” includes her personality, status, job occupation and whenever she ‘deserves’ her human rights to be respected or not.  

So next time you tell a group of individuals that now is not the time to rebel, I’ll ask when will the time come. When you tell me that a school is not the environment for protesting, I’ll tell you that, even in today’s time, a post office is a suitable environment for attacks, predators and assaults. When you ask me to stop screaming about injustice, I’ll ask you why you’re not screaming with the movement. When you ask, “Why are you rebelling against authority?”

I’ll simply say, “I’m rebelling against those who rebel against the law, those who violate the privacy of another, those who normalize and sexualize violent behaviour. I’m rebelling for those who need a voice, because when she needed it the most, no one was there to hear her cry. I rebel for those who rebelled, for those who rebel with me and for those who will rebel. I pledge defiance not against you as an individual, but against this agenda and systematic injustice that it is okay to kill a woman, to cut a lady up in pieces, to rape a child, to molest a young boy and the jokes that follow these incidents. I rebel not because I want to, but because I need to. I need to, because no one else will. I rebel to start the stroke of resistance and to lead the beautiful historic painting that will start to form.”

[itsleafourie]

oops

I’ve been procrastinating writing again. Lately, my mind has been all over the place. I have this overwhelming urge to reorder my thoughts, accordingly. That, and I have this fear that whatever I write will literally turn out shit. I have this underlining belief that my writing will be the equivalent to Zuma trying to deliver a speech. It is if I through the 2015 trend of musically, my grade seven hairstyle, 2000’s fashion style, the flatback trend, crocs and every single Adam Sandler movie into a blender, my writing will be the outcome (served with a side of dog shit, just to balance the entire nutritious meal out).

I feel as if everything I think, say or discover just isn’t worth it. My thoughts aren’t ground breaking. They are not some literal art or some breakthrough new advice on life. But hey, I guess life is made out of the mediocre moments.

This past few months have been a period of self-recollection. I relived the usual thoughts – my fear of never improving or achieving my full potential, everyone secretly wants nothing to do with me, how flawed of a human I am, how flawed the society of ours are and how imperfect and insignificant a moment can be, if you let it – but something that I realized is how little I know. I experienced moments of complete oblivion: my ‘lack’ of knowledge scared me, my ‘lack’ of investing in my dreams and skills overwhelmed me and my fear of missing the meaning of life and consciousness and physology in our day-to-day lives made me question what the hell I’m even doing. What am I fighting for?

The connection I’m trying to make is that with this temporary thought overwhelming my train of thought, it made me stop pursuing my passions – such as writing. I started to accept that if my writing isn’t going to change someone’s mind, then why bother? If my writing isn’t going to be fucking balls-to-the-wall amazing, then what’s the point? Well, my friend, that is not what the point of life supposed to be.

You were not created or made or born to figure out every little factor in our society, or to figure out the impact of our decisions, or to discover the powers hidden between the physical lines of our environment. You were, in fact, made to do the exact opposite. You were made to live in complete uncertainty. You were made to embrace how messed up and incomplete we are. You were made to see these flaws, and instead of trying to question and to solve them, you were made to acknowledge them and to live in harmony with the unpredictability of the universe.

It is this fear of the unknown that made the human race do incredible fucked up shit. Caster Semenya, a woman with a genetic fault that resulted in having genitals of both sexes, is now banned from participating in athletic races. We, as a civilised society, cannot understand how this is possible, but instead of embracing her unbelievable powers, we shun it. It is “not fair towards the other competitors”. She is a “freak of nature”. What if, she’s just a one step further in evolution than the rest of us?  

Religions all around the world get targeted for contradicting another’s believes, but instead of embracing this contradiction, we make them enemies of our consciousness. Political systems are criticised for going against another’s foundation, but we never think of combining the best qualities of these systems. Humans are shunned for being interested in mundane activities, for instance when you compare a doctor with a janitor, but we never stop to think that life could be more than just a degree – there’s a deeper meaning in serving others, perhaps. Human rights were seen as an ideology that could never be achieved because not everyone could ever experience the same level of pleasure each and every day. But maybe, equality does not mean equal pleasure, maybe, it means equal pain.

Because if our society manages to embrace the unknown instead of this new profound religion of science, where the idea of an explanation for everything is highly promoted, then we will realize how insignificant we are. And, instead of brewing anxiety, we’ll brew excitement, because what could be more exciting then rediscovering a new and everchanging environment every 24 hours? What could make you smile wider, when you realize that you’ll never explain how time passes, but you just know it does? What could you make more peaceful than realizing that the future does not exist? Because the only constant in life in change, and when you embrace this quote and follow it ritually, you’ll save yourself a life time of pain and nihilism.

Life is more than having an explanation for every action, element or experience in life. It is lying awake with your loved ones, it is sharing a heart-warming moment with the one your life, it is the pain of pushing your body to the limits, it is the feeling of fighting for the dream that you believe in – a belief, not a fact, because facts eliminates each and every other alternative outcome for a belief: there is no room for flexibility.

It is in our nature to question our environments, but instead of trying to control our emotions or doubt or scepticism – we need to embrace how little we truly know and build a harmony with it. There is no point in fighting something that is a part of our human code.

[itsleafourie]

a fitness update

My “sad boi hours” playlist is in full swing. It’s 21:17 to be exact. Thursday, 25 July 2019. And my retail therapy is starting to creep up on to me again. Yup, it’s time for some recollection.

Hi, how are you? Has life been treating you like some leftover soggy French fries from Mac Donald’s? Have you been feeling like you’re back in the awkward middle school stage of your life? You know, the time where everything just felt out of place, where everything just felt like on the brink of crumbling to the ground?

To be completely honest, I feel like. Not as frequently as when my past self, but the feeling does creep up on me. Sometimes, I feel as if shit that I say or think, or feel is just so insignificant to the overpowering doom of oblivion. I feel as if no matter how hard I try, I’ll never life up to the expectations of what the ‘successful’ portrayal of society’s character is.  I feel as if I’m always running, never stopping to take a breath, from the inevitable doom of never being good enough to those around me. With this deep desire inside of me where I just want to make an impact on my community, I feel sometimes suffocated by the things I didn’t do, or by the things which I did do – actions that do not necessary contribute to the achieving of my personal goals.

Here’s some background info; two weeks ago, I had an attack. In one night, I couldn’t stop vomiting and I experienced monstrous stomach pains. My mum and I, we rushed to the hospital, and discovered that my stomach expanded approximately 3 times in size. Two procedures, a feeding tube and a fuck ton of self-loathing later, I found myself stuck on the hospital bed for 5 days. Within those 120 hours, I did a lot of over-thinking. That type of thinking where you contemplate every decision you’ve ever made, every person you’ve ever impacted and every awkward moment you’ve ever had. I know in today’s time, this type of sentence is usually said in a tongue-in-cheek way to create a sense of relatability, I seriously suffered a new type of anxiety and nihilism in a way that it impacted me greatly.

I was diagnosed with a chronic disease called gastroparesis. It is a disease in which the stomach cannot empty itself of food in a normal fashion. The cause of this could be a once-off thing, but it could also be caused by something that I shortly after my visit was diagnosed with – diabetes. Type 2, the genetic kind. As someone who strives to live a life full of balance and health, this was a massive blow to my gut. On top of that, I was dealing with anxiety surrounding my family, identity and my existence. I felt so overwhelmed with emotions such as fear and confusion, that my emotional health took a toll for the worse. Having a past with anxious thoughts, experiences like these trigger a snowball effect within my mind.

But it also made me realize how insignificant other’s opinions of me really matter.

I made a pact with myself; never will I ever let other people define what makes me a good or bad or balanced or healthy person, ever. I will not listen to other’s opinions of my health or my diet or my exercise routine ever again. Because in the end, I saved my health by living a healthier life. Type 2 diabetes, as I mentioned, is genetic. That means when I lost my weight, I saved myself from future health damage. Thus, in the most respectful way possible, if you think that my exercising routine or my diet is ‘unbalanced’ or ‘unhealthy’, quite literally go fuck yourself.

I did that. I saved myself from future self-hatred, future health-related issues, future social anxiety and other self-deprecating thoughts. I got myself through these past few weeks just like how I got through my stage of transforming my inner self. And for these accomplishments, I like to give them some recognition.

The before and after picture is more than the number on the scale going down. It is me standing up for what I believe in. It is me being more open to those that once frighten me to the core, it is me making more genuine friends. It is me excluding myself from situations that do not benefit me in any way. It is me focusing on growing my knowledge on the outside world. It is me laughing more, smiling more, laughing more, crying more and caring less of what other’s think. It is me wanting to impact others the same way others impacted me. I’m not saying that because that I weigh less, I’m a better person; what I’m saying is that because of my mind shift and my focus being shifting on to more fulfilling elements in life, I’ve grew. My goals in life is to impact my community positively, so if you ever feel like I’m attacking you or conspiring against you in any way, you are wrongly mistaken. You see, when you start to care less about what other’s think of you, you automatically start to care less what you think of others. You realize that we all are just beings with some human errors encoded into our genetics. You can claim that you don’t care what others think of you, but as long as you are continuing to gossip or judge those around you, you still indirectly care.

I’ve started making an effort to tell those around me how much they matter to me. I started complimenting others more, without any intentions. I started leaving a more selfish life, you could say. Selfish, in the sense that no matter what other’s think of me, what ultimately matters, is what I think of myself. That includes my opinions, ideologies, self-image, beliefs and my feelings.

When I walked into high school, I was at my highest peak of uncertainty. I have never felt so unsure of myself, ever. It was only when I started bonding with myself that I really got to know myself. The idea of a constant in life, is false, as I’ve mentioned before. So being uncertain about something, is normal. It is within this uncertainty that we grow into our best versions of myself.

Being 16, I still have a lot to learn about myself and about society around me. But I plan on doing it in the most sustainable way possible. It is not sustainable to always give a shit about what those think of you, no matter how hard you try. I didn’t stop caring about what people think of me, but rather shifted my focus on what those with emotional intelligence think of me.

To end this off with a short but vivid and straight forward message; sometimes life gets the good of you, but as long as you remember what your values and what your ambition in life is, the tough gets going.

[itsleafourie]

an anxiety of missing the Fleeting Thought

In all honesty, sometimes, I feel like I’m enough.

Sometimes, I feel like I don’t give enough or work hard enough or even try enough.

I’m not funny enough to be on twitter, or my pictures aren’t ‘aesthetically pleasing’ enough to make my Instagram profile, or the footage that I film for my YouTube videos aren’t significant enough to make an impact. I don’t have enough art skills to actually produce art. I don’t have enough strength to help those around me through their toughest of times. I don’t have enough experience to see the beauty in life. I’m scared that because of limited amount of substance (this substance of being ‘enough’ in life) is resulting into me missing the special moments and places and chances and memories and people in life. I’m scared that because of my ‘limited’ perspective, I’m simply missing out on life. I’m scared that because of this uncontrollable cage – a cage that is determined by my attributes and skills in life – I’m not reaching my full potential. The fear of being too comfortable with my goals then starts to creep in. This results into a Lea Fourie whom constantly tries to better herself.

I freak out when reading a novel – I fear that I’m not focusing on the descriptions enough, and because of that I’m losing the true value of the book. Watching a series create this strange anxiety inside of me because I’m scared that I’m not invested in the production enough. I avoid producing any type of art or content, because it will never live up to my standards of ‘enough’: this creates the ultimate procrastination. I over analyse a shit ton of things that I do, including my actions and how I feel. Sometimes, this level of thinking or questioning makes me feel alone. I fear that no one else around me experiences this type of anxiety. An anxiety where you feel like if you are not focusing enough on the reality, you start to miss half of it, is so deeply rooted into my personality that it is basically a second trait.

I like to call these ideas or moments that I try to capture within my consciousness a Fleeting Thought. I believe the term is a perfect description of exactly what these moments are, a thought or ideology bound to born, but it is also constantly on the run from my mind’s eye; in fear of being seen and thus captured within my train of thought. It seems to beg for acknowledgement, but fears analysis, like some weird eight grade emo.

Each morning I make up with the goal of noticing newer Fleeting Thoughts in my every day life. I want to captures these things and analyse them to the very last inch.

This entire post is honestly just a ramble, but I recently noticed that it is this blog’s ultimate goal to capture each and every Fleeting Thought that I encounter – even the rumbly and disordered ones.

[itsleafourie]

Killed by an escalator

I’ve got a huge fear of descending escalators.

Once upon a time, an overly optimistic 4-year-old girl with pigtails in her hair was carrying a shitload of something (might be some art supplies or a stationary set, considering that my youthful self was basically a reincarnation of Picasso himself – not that I was considered as an ‘artistic genius’. I just fell in love with art itself) and had the adventure of a lifetime in front of her. This adventure being a fucking escalator.

I specifically remember my mother asking me, “Wouldn’t you rather want to take the lift?” But me being my hard-headed self, and obviously not aware of my thought-train yet, I decided to define all laws of physics and strutted towards the spiralling staircase of doom.

Surprisingly, I didn’t fell.

Instead, God decided to physically pick this little 24 kg sack of innocence up and practically motherfucking slam-dunk me to the floor of the shopping centrum. Art supplies flew, pig tails came lose and my innocence was found scattered somewhere in between the other escalator passengers. Luckily, there were no injuries. Well, except for my bruised ego and the guaranteed lifetime of embarrassment.

So hey, if you ever see an idiot trying to perfectly time the moving stairs, in hopes of not recreating this precious incident, that idiot will be me. I have to admit, it does keep my humble. There were times were I would solidly burst out crying at the age of 13.

Some fear spiders and others fear birds, I fear escalators.

And the inevitable experience of failure.

You see, I made a shit-but-alright comparison between my fear of failure and this fear of escalators. I never feared going up with the stairs, it’s the downwards that scared the living crap out of me.

Until this day, every time I ‘fail’ in achieving my short-term goals, I lose my shit. You might see it, or not, but I quite literally experience that dreadful fall all over again. I go into this process of self-denial, depression, frustration and eventually anxiety. My Thought Train goes bonkers, the parliament inside of seem to really fall apart and every other aspect of my personality deflates. I start to grow negative, emotional and just distant from those that I love the most. I force myself forward – to just keep moving, just keep studying or just keep writing – but there is so many times where this dark loneliness covers me like a blanket. I conjuring up these bizarre universes where if I do not achieve my own personal goals, I’ll have no one left. I start to feel as if my goals make me, me, and if I don’t achieve my goals, what do I have left?

In a way, your accomplishments do determine your personality. Your priorities and interests in life is ultimately just a complicated constellation of your memories, thoughts and opinions. But I guess I just assume that this feeling of failing in my goals is just an universal feeling that everyone around me shares. Listen, I know no one really cares as much about the little things like I do, but I can’t help but determine my worth by what I accomplish in my youthful years.

Maybe that’s my fatal flaw. Maybe this fear of never reaching my full potential will eventually contribute to my downfall. Maybe I’ll burn myself out in the end of I’ll make the wrong choices surrounding my priorities. But I can’t help but feel small when I am not beating my personal bests. I can’t help but feel insignificant when I’m not helping others. I can’t help but feel invisible when my effort goes unnoticed.

Or maybe this weird fear will eventually result into success. Maybe this fear will be motivation for self-improvement. They say that the ultimate indication of a good person is the need for self-bettering. Maybe, just maybe, this fear will morph into something strangely beautiful – something that will feed the roots of my forth-coming success.

I think this is where that metaphor of feeding the wolves come to play. You know, the one your mother always uses to reassure you which choice to make. The old tale about every person has two wolves inside of them – a peaceful and powerful white wolf, and a devious and devilish darker wolf. The question gets asked, “Which wolf will survive?”

Well, the one you feed.  

I’m trying, really trying, to not let fear control my life. Fear is something out of my circle of influence – I cannot control unpredictable and inconsistent factors in my reality. But, rather, I try to use fear as a compass or as a map to show me which choices to make and what or who to prioritise. It is, after all, this fear that contributed to me making many accurate decisions surrounding past relationships. It is this fear that keeps me aware of my surroundings at all times. It is this fear that makes me appreciate my accomplishments and the highlights of my life so much more.

[itsleafourie]

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Take an online course

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[itsleafourie]

“After reading your last blog, I don’t know if I should get you a book deal or a therapist.”

— Simon Colman, after reading ‘My Little Endgame’

[itsleafourie]

My little Endgame.

There is a type of paradoxical creature inside of me.

One second I want to devote my entire life to studying the academics and subjects such as law. Then the next second, my mind wanders off to a destination such as art, literature, philosophy, history and all the shit in our reality that makes us basically question our entire existence. When people ask, “What is your ultimate dream in life?” It always comes down to me wanting to leave the same feeling of questioning and examination of our interpretations of reality, in the minds of our society behind. Basically, I would love to mind-fuck people. For me, the ultimate indication of a wealthy individual is education, intelligence, emotional growth and how great our ability is of interpreting others’ situations and circumstances are, and then implementing this new found wisdom into our everyday lives.

So basically, what I’m trying to say is, I deal with a shit ton of thinking each and every day. For example, asking someone of my age a simple question such as, “How are you feeling?” And then replying with the most simple and common answer of, well, pretty great. For me, it becomes a full on class discussion inside my mind. Every Lea Fourie that every existed starts to debate about different responses. They take things further like, “Why did they ask that? Is it because of my body language? Is body language a natural occurrence or did humans trick themselves into thinking that there is something to look in how a person is sitting? Does this suggest self-centeredness that we naturally assume people are continuously lying to our faces, thus we feel the need to search for a lie? Is the way I’m reacting to this body-language debate initiating anxiety? Is this reaction an indication of my childhood trauma of feeling isolated from my fellow peers? There must be some phycological explanation…” And the discussion never seems to stop.

Listen, I’m not a self-breed mess of anxiety and stress. In fact, I respond the same exact way that this average individual would respond. I just have an extra little hidden equation at the end of my answer. Something only I can see. There’s this constant conversation that I’m having with my consciousness. Some breaking-the-third-wall-of-my-personality shit. It doesn’t make me more fucked up than the rest of the world, it just makes me a little more entuned with my nature, emotions, and thought process.

Or maybe I’ll be one of those adults at the reunions who speaks frantically about the world ending in 13 hours because of some government based disease being bred on the Antarctica plate or some shit. You know, one of those individuals who spits some freaky truth about the capitalistic system messing up our society, environment and phycological selves, even though the original conversation was only about the prices being lifted at our school’s tuckshop. I take a mundane complaint like an expensive muffin to the next level. Hell, to the 87th level. Within a minute of that convo being born, I’ve got you questioning your entire contribution within this system and shaping you into a conspiracist against the world economy. Just like that, an average muffin goes from being, well, average to some universal weed infused mind-fuck potion that got you hating yourself and every person you’ve ever encountered. Within an instant, opinions and this magical train of thought that I experience, gets shared with another individual.

Shit, now that I think of it, maybe a life as a conspiracy-theory ambassador seems quite fitting for me.

Just a PSA, I’m kidding. Or am I? I could be making this entire interpretation of my brain up as we’re going along. Hell, I could be manipulating you into thinking I’m some profound individual who’s constantly philosophising about the meaning of life. You know, someone who just casually discovers what the meaning of the universe is while collecting my Ice Gelado at our local Vida E Caffe as a study break, with almond milk of course, being lactose intolerant. (Now that’s some next level capitalistic first world problem.) Got your train of thought speeding now, don’t I? Relax, I can confirm that I am, in fact, a truthful and over-analysing bitch (with a huge diary allergy problem.)

And discovering the meaning of the universe is more of a bedtime self-care activity.

I’d rather be some mentally-confused goose who’s constantly on a wild chase for some new profound intelligence than some fucktard that refuses to accept any possibility of an opinion or statistic or story or reality that might challenge his precious values and viewpoints of life. I say it’s against our nature to live such shallow and empty lives. Let us live lives with constant pain, disappointment, change, arguments and discoveries. Let us live lives full of experiences.

To come back to the original message of this discussion: I am a living paradox. It is because of these constant conversations inside of me that I am like this. It feels like the parliament of South Africa throwing around chairs and yelling out insignificant remarks up there. But somehow, it all works. Somehow, I’m sitting in the chair enjoy this wonderful scene of word violence going on. It amuses, frightens and excites me, all at the same time. Maybe the comparison to the parliament isn’t quite accurate, considering that my version is more a continuous friendly (but violent) banter about newer and more improved versions of opinions and ideas. It’s liberating, it’s empowering and it’s wonderful. Less than a negative parliament attacking each other and more like the legendary fight scene in Endgame. My friend, I am not a person who gets emotional about Marvel films, but that scene got me feeling some type of way. It’s this fight inside of my brain about better and newer ideologies that excites me, because that means growth and change is coming. This debate got me sitting on the edge of the seat, throwing my popcorn everywhere and admiring how these empowering women are fighting together for a common goal of a better future. Did Lea Fourie just compare the biggest blockbuster movie of 2019 to her own imaginative reality of self-growth? You sure right I did.

You see, if I wasn’t challenging myself by writing this piece, I would have never made this ground-breaking discovering of my own little Endgame. And, to be honest, I developed a little insecurity about my writing over the years. It started in grade 7, when I realized that a noticeably amount of 13-year-olds were getting a lot better marks for their essays about the Colourful Caterpillar than I was. It was because of this, that the fear of putting myself out there and improving my writing became something I avoided. Even though I loved reading and telling stories, it scared the living poop out of me to phantom my thought constellations  into physical words. I’d rather prefer them hanging up in the night sky, than ever physically exanimating and studying them. I acknowledged that they were there, but I just kept looking at the ground whenever they would come say hi. So here’s this one side of little Lea, anxious about writing stories trying to drown out to other Lea, who is in love with the idea of writing stories. What a bittersweet tragedy.

Because of this fear and weird paradox inside of me, I just decided to ignore all confrontation. I ignored everything that could possibly produce some type of outcome or conclusion surrounding my writing skills, because I was scared that it would threaten what I already know. I was so sure of my poor writing skills, that the idea of improving or discovering a further love for writing, scared me. The idea of challenging what I thought and how I thought others viewed my writing, really made me curl into a small anxious ball. It’s like believing that strawberry milkshakes are the best flavour, like, ever. But then you taste the chocolate flavour and you got yourself questioning your trust in your taste buds. Then shit gets even more wacko and you get introduced to the love of your life, coffee. You lived your entire childhood almost religiously knowing chocolate and strawberry milkshakes are the dominant drink, and now with this new founded caffeine addiction, your entire meaning of existence is falling apart. On top of that, you realize you’re fucking lactose intolerant. Thanks universe, now I’ve got a Romeo and Juliet vibe happening between me and my childhood crush, and I’ve got an addiction. (Sometimes, even a working stomach)

This paradox stretches to whenever I should focus on my school work or on my artistic elements. Should I care what others think or should I focus on what I think of myself? Do I like genuinely like the trend of Netflix and YouTube or am I forcing myself to enjoy this act of staring at a screen for some temporary distraction, just so that I can fit in with my peers? Do I actually enjoy Instagram or am I just using it because people deem it as a necessity? Is Nickelback actually a good band or does the only reason why I avoid listening to their music is because of that godforsaken vine. I mean, according to countless graphs (tehe), our generation is the most entuned with other’s opinions or stories. But does this mean that we should implement these elements onto our own personalities? Must we accept this as constructive feedback? Or should we see it as a negative factor, something that is destroying our self-assurances and negatively influential our daily choices? Got the train of thought working at full-speed again.

This paradox-mess is the fuel behind the fire that sparks these weird ass debates inside my head. And I love it. This paradox enfuses different interests and opinions to form inside of me. This paradox is confirmation that no matter how hard I try, I am always going to be on the search for change or for something new. I think, the reason why I’m so hesitant to embrace this paradoxical mess is because our modern society despise indifferences and the feeling of the unknown. We are all programmed to think that we are equally special, equally constructed, equally wired and just equal in every single way possible. But, it’s honestly just a façade to ensure economic and capitalistic success, if you ask me. Equality does not mean that everyone in our society has the exact same contributes and attributes, it just means that even though we have such a vast diversity of qualities in our genetic codes, we still need to treat everyone with the same equal amount of respect.

I say embrace  your paradox. Embrace your uncertainty and your questioning. Never stop asking questions and never stop admiring the wonderful parliament fighting inside of you. It’s what makes us human, after all.

[itsleafourie]

the one problem i have with people my age and younger is that a lot of us do not have hands on hobbies. like i have spoken to so many people my age who go to work, go to school and then fuck around on their phone/computer for hours and then ???????? like no wonder ur depressed and have low confidence in urself. u need to get ur hands on something, feed those dopamine receptors! learn how to play guitar, garden, scrapbook, fucking make model trains. i don’t give a shit, MAKE SOMETHING!!

it feels better than drugs when i finish making a thing—and then show it off or gift it.

and then so people my age say to me ‘well—i can’t draw/paint/knit/etc. like you can. my stuff would be terrible.’ yeah, well duh—a part of developing skill is sucking at something and then practicing it over and over and over again until you suck less. u’ll have a hard time feeling lonely or bored when you can’t stop thinking abt a technique you want to try or something you want to make for someone else. making things has SAVED MY LIFE. it gave me a reason to keep living day after day when i wanted to die.

making things improved my generational relationships (when i worked for the newspaper i would talk to customers abt jamming recipes or cross-stitch, one of my grandmas always gives me pattern books and tell me abt when she knitted things for mom, my other grandma is giving me a wedding quilt that HER grandma gave her 50 years ago because she knows i will appreciate it). it also got me likeminded friends who also make things.

take a ceramics class! pick up water colors, bake cakes! learn to work on cars! make soap. DO SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE STARING AT A SCREEN.

[itsleafourie]

you know, life doesn’t have to be competitive. you don’t have to get in the very best university; you don’t have to get the highest paying career there is. you don’t need to compare and compete with everyone else in the world. you need to do what’s right for you. you need to relax, take a breath, and say ‘what do i want, for myself, to live as i want to’. and, if that involves high ambitions, then that’s fine. because you chose those ambitions on what you desire as an individual, and not on what is expected in order to succeed. let’s be ourselves this year.

[itsleafourie]

’n weird breakthrough

Daar is iets fout met ons generasie.

Die enigste keer wanneer ons omgee oor ‘n kwessie is as dit op sosiale media opblaas. Die enigste tyd wanneer ons nie skinder is oor whatsapp, want dan is daar visuele bewyse van ons woorde. As gevolg van hierdie groot faktor in ons lewe – sosiale media – het dit vir ons tweede natuur geraak om goed tot die fynste detail te analiseer: hoekom post sy daai quote, hoekom stuur hy daardie emoji, hoekom vat die group so lank om te respond. Ons dink dit is normaal om situasies, especially mense, te analiseer en om te los asof hul ‘n woordprobleem is. In ‘n samelewing waar dit so maklik is om inligting te verkry en om in gelig te bly oor ons wêreld, freak die onbekende ons moer baie uit. As iemand toe of afgesluit is, vind ons dit fokken weird. As ‘n persoon nie ‘n foto post met iemand anders nie, is daar outomaties ‘iets aan die gang’. As jou kêrel ‘n meisie se foto like op Instagram, is dit heeltemal normaal en geregverdig om te reageer met woede en jaloesie, want daar moet mos ‘n underlining rede wees vir hierdie aksie. Jy kan nie meer deur die dag gaan, sonder dat iemand na een of ander digitale footprint van iemand anders terug na verwys nie – whenever dit ‘n whatsapp boodskap is, ‘n tweet, ‘n Instagram post of ‘n eenvoudige song recommendation op ‘n storie is. Dit het deel van ons persoonlikheid geraak om alles, met ‘n rede, te post – en nie noodwending vir ‘n goeie doel nie. Ons sit geheime messages agter ons messages, in hope daarvan dat iemand dit sal raak lees. Ons maak seker dat alles kom perfek voor, maar as daar iets verkeerd loop in ons lewens, is dit amper verpligtend van die individu om ‘n quote of ‘n song of ‘n link na ‘n video op jou status te post. Hoekom? Hoekom glo ons generasie dat as jy sleg voel, is dit broodnodig om vir ander mense dit te wys? Hoekom is dit as ek dit verkies om alleen my probleme aan te pak, is dit ‘n sign van weakness? Die waarde van rawness en om jouself op daardie level bloot te stel het heeltemal verlore gegaan, want almal doen dit vir ‘relatable content’. Ja, blootstelling aan die wêreld en samelewing wys dat jy nie bang is om seer te kry nie – jy wys vir almal jou ware self en agtergrond – maar as ek dit verkies om stil te wees oor my accomplishments en downfalls, then so be it.

Natuurlik is daar uitsonderings in sosiale media, ek en my familie, byvoorbeeld, gebruik dit as ‘n manier om ‘n aanlynse profiel vir toekomstige werksgeleenthede op te bou. Ek gebruik dit as ‘n manier om oor my probleme te skryf, om bewusmaking te skep oor kwessies, om nuwe mense te ontmoet en om in gelig te bly met ons buitelewe. Maar, vir iemand wat op so ‘n emosionele manier dinge sien en raak lees, maak dit vir my genuine seer hoe erg hierdie digital codes ander mense se kop oorneem. Ons neem die werklike waarde van pragtige dinge in ons samelewing weg, ‘n toeris aantreklikheid soos Versailles is nie meer net ‘n plek van geskiedenis rykdom nie, dit is nou ‘n photoshoot vir Instagram models. ‘n Boek langs die vuur met ‘n koppie koffie is nie meer ‘n geestelike ontsnap van die vieslike realiteit nie, dit is nou ‘n aesthetically pleasing Pinterest post. ‘n Film met ‘n dieper sosiale kommentaar oor ons samelewing behou sy waarde, maar as gevolg van die nuwe trend om die ‘trendsetter’ te wees, sien baie mense die egte boodskap agter moderne kuns mis, omdat hul net opsoek is vir “the next best thing”. Daar is natuurlik niks fout daarmee om foto’s te neem van oomblikke en plekke net vir die sole purpose vir herinneringe, maar daar moet ‘n balans gehandhaaf word. Anders gaan hierdie mass consumption veroorsaak dat emosionele diepte te vinnig verlore sal raak. Dis anders as jou intensies agter ‘n foto of ‘n video of ‘n post pure is, maar ‘n mens kan maklik net sekere goed doen of sê vir die maklike bereikbare reassurance van ander wat sosiale media aan ons bied. Whenever dit net ‘n like, of ‘n follow, of ‘n comment het. Ons samelewing is die eerste een wat eer en prys vir ons kuns op so ‘n maklike en daaglikse basis kan kry, in vergelyking met die Renaissance tydperk, waar jy fisies jou huis moes verlaat om kunswerke te bewonder. Dit kan as ‘n positief en as ‘n negatief gesien word, maar dit maak dit makliker as ooit tevore om korrup te raak met die need om ander te please.

Weet glad nie of hierdie blog enige struktuur het nie, voel lowkey soos ‘n informasie dump, maar hierdie brainstorm het begin vorm terwyl ek my langvraag deur gegaan het vir Great Gatsby.

Wat maak Gatsby great?

Die ding wat vir Gatsby great maak, is die feit dat even though die samelewing rondom hom obsessed is met aardse dinge soos geld, vlugtige genot en drank, vind hy die dieper betekenis in die lewe raak – die optimisme en passie om ‘n diep droom te hê. Volgens Gatsby, sal die gevoel van konneksie met kuns en simbolieke in die lewe altyd die materialistiese kenmerke van die samelewing uitweeg. Sy droom, sy passievolle romantiese droom van die droom meisie wat haar toekoms met hom sal deel, het baie meer waarde as wat enige rykdom ooit sal hê.

Wat vir my wegblaas, is die feit dat hierdie boek was geskryf in die 1920’s as ‘n sosiale kommentaar op die samelewing. Amper ‘n eeu later, en dit is nog steeds relevant. Crazy hoe, maak nie saak hoe hard die mensdom probeer nie, geskiedenis en die menslike natuur het altyd ‘n manier om homself te herhaal.

[itsleafourie]

Wat is intelligensie?

“Hoekom vat jy vakke soos geskiedenis en geografie?”

Om heeltemal eerlik te wees, in die begin, die rede hoekom ek geografie as vak gekies het was omdat daar geen ander vak in daardie vakgroep was wat vir my appeal het. Ek sou baie graag eerder, byvoorbeeld, kuns gekies het, maar dinge het toe anders uitgewerk.

En hoe dankbaar is ek nie.

Nou, het ek iets vreeslik belangrik besef. Die rede hoekom ek geskiedenis gekies het is omdat ek genuine verlief is op die kennis agter hierdie vak. Ek is so passievol oor die emosies en stories wat in mensdom se verlede lê. Dit gee vir my ‘n heeltemal anderste en oop uitkyk op die lewe, samelewing en realiteit van ons sake. Gister het ek besef dat die rede hoekom ek geografie gekies het, loop dieper as net ‘daar was niks anders nie.’

As ek eendag ‘n verskil wil maak, moet ek hierdie kennis agter geografie en geskiedenis hê.

Om te backtrack, ek sal way liewer eendag ‘n lewe vol van impak op ander individue hê, as materialistiese faktore soos ‘n duur kar of huis. Ek wil onvergeetlike oomblikke soos om te toer, om verskillende mense te ontmoet of om verskillende kulture te verken, ervaar. Ek wil die aarde se skoonheid beleef, voordat die mensdom en kapitalistiese stelsel dit van ons af ontneem.

Geografie bou die fondasie van kennis agter die aarde se atmosfeer, woude en grond. Ja, biologie verskaf addisionele inligting, maar geografie spesialiseer in hierdie onderwerpe. Die aanlegte wat ek leer in hierdie vak sal eendag my help om die klimaat en natuur te red. Dit sal my help om die geografiese uitlegging agter stede en armoede verstaan. Dit sal my help verstaan hoe die atmosfeer werk, asook die oseaan, wat versmoor word deur plastiek en afvalstowwe. As ek eendag ware verandering wil meebring in ons samelewing – whenever dit oor klimaatverandering of menseregte of enige ander sosiale kwessies gaan – nodig ek hierdie vakke om hierdie droom te bereik.

So, het dit my getref: wat ek eendag met my lewe wil maak. Ek wil fisies gaan werk in die aakligste toestande op die aarde. Klink vreemd, maar dis die legacy wat ek wil agterlos. Ek wil die honger jeug gaan hoop gee, ek wil rommel op die strande in minder bevoorregte lande gaan optel, ek wil saam met die mense protes lewer teen die onregverdige regerings van die wêreld. Ek wil ‘n voorbeeld raak van moderne verandering en gelykheid. Ek wil werklike geskiedenis maak, en as dit beteken ek moet ‘n eenvoudige ‘goedkoop’ leefstyl leef, then so be it. Vir my, die grootste vrees, is om nie in ‘n area wat ek so lief het, ‘n merk te los nie. Vir my, die kans dat ek nie geskiedenis gaan maak met my lewe nie, gee vir my dryfkrag agter my lewenskeuses. Want, vir my, rykdom is nie die hoeveelheid geld wat ‘n individu het nie, maar die waarde van jou impak en woorde wat jy op ander het.

Ek is bevoorreg genoeg om groot te word in ‘n huis waar geld- en finansiële sake nie ‘n kwessie vir my is nie. Alles is klaar vir my gesorg by die huis. Maar, hierdie faktore laat my in nie arrogante of ‘n ‘snobbish’ persoon groei nie; dit voed net my wens en droom om dieselfde voorreg vir ander te verskaf. Dit moedig my emosionele natuur aan om te help, om vir ander dieselfde gevoel van liefde en genot gee wat ek ervaar rondom die tafel tydens aandete, of wanneer ek vrylik met ‘n ma kan praat oor wat my in tiener lewe vir my afbring, of wanneer ek met my broer die nuwe Avengers film gaan fliek en saam huil en lag vir die storielyn. Al hierdie tydelike oomblikke van genot, wat ons gereeld nie genoeg waardeer nie, gee vir my motivering en ‘n passievolle lojaliteit aan hierdie groeiende sake van die wêreld – dat feitlik nie almal gelyk is nie, whenever dit is as gevolg van hul klas stelsel, geslag, geloof, ras, seksualiteit of etniese agtergrond is.

Toe ek vroeër die jaar nie volkleure vir akademie gekry het nie, was dit ‘n moerse blow to the stomach. Ek het heeltemal pateties gevoel. Soos ‘n fokken kind, het ek letterlik die mees dramatiese emosionele scene in ‘n flim vir myself opgevoer, en liewe vader mense, dit was nie vir ironiese effek nie. Ek het, quite physical, myself inmekaar laat insak en die emosie van “nie-goed-genoeg-wees-nie” my versmoor. Ek het later toe iets besef.

Vra jouself gou, het Nelson Mandela volkleure vir akademie gehad? Het Malala Yousafzai ‘n A-gemiddeld gehad? Was mense soos Martin Luther King, Harriet Tubman, Muhammad Ali en Gandhi top presteerders op skool?

Jou antwoord is tien teen een: “Ek weet nie” of “Nee.”

Bingo.

Hierdie wêreld leiers het nie ‘n sertifikaat, strepe of punte laat bepaal of hul eendag gaan presteer nie. Hulle het hul eie vermoëns en passie as die enigste faktore gebruik om hul sukses in die lewe te meet. So hoekom laat jy nommers soos akademie jou waarde bepaal?

So, as jy een van diegene is wat vakke soos geografie en geskiedenis het, volgende keer wanneer iemand neerkyk op jou vakke en sê: “Wel, dit is mos maklik, né?” onthou die rede hoekom vakke soos geskiedenis verpligtend raak: sonder hierdie vakke, sal ‘n mens nie die noodsaaklike informasie of kennis hê om, een, standvastige en akkurate opinies te vorm nie, en twee, om ‘n werklike verandering te kan maak in ‘n gemeenskap of huishouding of skool nie. Jou intelligensie word nie gemeet deur jou skool punte of vakkeuses nie, maar deur jou vermoë om die kennis in te neem, dit te interpreteer en dit, deur middel van jou alledaagse keuses, vir ander deur te gee.

[itsleafourie]

my vulnerabilities

Your words have an impact.

Lately, I’ve noticed how people start treating you differently when you’re succeeding in life. It is as if your success indicates the absence of their own. The amount of times I’ve stood in front of a mirror, comparing myself to your opinions of a body’s worth, is uncountable. The amount of times I decided what I should wear and what I should buy, according to what you classify as ‘stylish’, is over. Times where I would have rather bit my tongue than disagree with your harsh way of being cold and hard towards the world – which ate away at my inner moral values – made me realize that being negative is no way how I want to spend my energy. I am a very emotional person, and because of this, I experience other people’s emotions very vividly. I get way too attached and invested in feelings, relationships, hobbies and goals. You used this, to your advantage, and attacked my insecurities. Insecurities such as my shyness, weight, personality and hobbies – things that you disvalued in hopes of bringing my spirits and progress down. What did happen though? I learned to fight against your current of hate and came out stronger than ever.

It is funny how society works – in the beginning, my self-consciousness about my weight originated out of a fearful place of being too large. Back then, I noticed how some people viewed me because of my athletic and sport abilities. And, for that short period in time, I am forever grateful. It learned me valuable lessons on how to treat others, on how to appreciate the progress and the feeling of being strong and fit. It learned me that happiness is more than an outer appearance, and no matter how much you diet or exercise, you need to take the mental step to fix your inner voice, in order to really achieve pure health and balance. Later in my journey, after hearing my closest family members and friends tell me that I am too skinny, a new fear of being too small was born. And just like that, because of my fear of what other people might think of me, I was back in middle school with same mental perspective. I started to second guess people’s love and affection for me. I started to doubt others’ kindness and their smiles. In a way, I thought everything was just some kind of sick trick. I grew paranoid and anxious, not going to lie.

Growing through these time periods of paranoia and anxiety – from grade 6 and 7 to grade 10 – I realized that no matter what you weigh, if you’re going to be depended on stranger’s opinions of your ‘worth’, you’ll never find happiness and peace. People still body-shame me, maybe more than ever. Maybe it is because of my success or journey around losing weight, but I sometimes I hear I’m “too skinny”.  

Well, fuck that bullshit.

I enjoy how I work out; I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. On mother’s day, believe it or not, I ate almost a quarter of cheesecake. I enjoy being able to laugh loudly and carefree. I find it amusing and amazing when I slip up and say something idiotic – the growth from being self-conscious around fucking up when I was younger, until now, where I can comfortably say stupid shit, amazes me. I enjoy dancing and singing and acting, not because I am incredibly talented at these arts, but because it makes me feel alive. It makes me feel human. Those little awkward giggles and moments in my day-to-day is what makes me unique. From being shy in the gym to walking around as if it’s just another room at my house makes me feel powerful as fuck. Each day I wake up with the mental goal to define other’s negative connotations with my name, by proving that I am better and worth more than their simple gossip stories.

You see, haters are going to hate. There will always be someone who will say that you’re too healthy or too fat or too outspoken. The key in life, is to life it to the fullest. Love yourself, to the fullest. Work for your goals, to the fullest. Participate in social events, to the fullest. Make a fucking idiot of yourself, to the fullest. Whatever you do in life, do it vibrantly. There is no time and space for dull mediocre individuals who are only concern with the physical appearance of themselves and others. Be magical, be the most authentic person in the room. Love yourself as you would love a friend of lover.

And if you’re one of these individuals who spread hate around like it’s confetti, I hope and wish that you will somehow get out of any dark hole you might find yourself in right now. You’re stronger than your demons.

[itsleafourie]

My ultimate tips for weight loss:

Introduction:

Weight loss is not an easy task. Sustainable and actual weight loss literally does not happen overnight, it takes weeks, months and even years to complete. Losing weight is different for every individual, because our bodies are built different. I’m not a specialist, but one thing I can assure you is that our bodies react, digest and work with food in a very unique manner – it’s different for every individual. Let’s start with the basics:

To lose weight, you need to follow the 80/20 rule. 80% of your weight loss comes from your diet, the other 20% is from your physical activity. Other things such as your NEAT and metabolic rate do play a role, but your diet is your biggest factor.

1. Drink a shit ton of water and include more veggies and fruit in your diet.

This is where a side tip comes in, you need to be honest with yourself. I drink at least 3l water daily – just for hydration needs, not necessary for weight loss – and eat veggies at every meal. I eat fruit daily as well. Fruit is for me a great snack.

2. Focus on a balanced diet

Let me save you the time and tell you that the military diet or keto diet is not going to work if you’re not maintaining a balance. A good sign is if you need to include ‘cheat meals’ in your diet – it is not balanced. At the end of the day, your main reason for weight loss or weight gain is how many calories you’re eating. It is not the only factor – the calorie in and calorie out way of thinking is not only a very narrow way of approaching weight loss, but can cause anxiety and stress around calorie counting (other factors such as metabolic rate, NEAT, your physical activity, your fat percentage and muscle mass play rolls as well) – but it is the main one. Include every food group (carbs, fats and sugar). If you label food as ‘good’ and ‘bad’ you’re giving power to food; food is food. Some include more nutritious values and others contain more calories, but food is food. At the end of your day, it is all about whenever you burn more calories than what you’re consuming.

Don’t go on ridiculous low cal diets (like only eat under 1000 calories a day), it will result in binge eating no matter how powerful you think your willpower is. Plus, it’s unsustainable, unhealthy and just plain kak.

3. Try to do daily exercise, find a sport/activity you enjoy. Try weight lifting!

The main reason I gym so often is because I genuinely fucking enjoy it. I hardly do cardio – like running on the treadmill – unless it’s outdoors with the fam or sprints. I love weight lifting and feeling strong, but if you prefer other things such as gymnastics or dancing, do it! Any form of exercising is still exercising. Daily activity such as literally being more physical helps a fuck ton more than just sitting at home. Try walking the dog, for example. Remember that exercising is actually such a fun thing to do if you actually make it enjoyable. Whenever that is doing it with a friend or listening to tunes. Being able to move is a privilege that needs to be celebrated more, not something that has to be linked to anxiety.

4. Lower stress levels, listen to your body (diet and illness), don’t overwork yourself

Stressing actually cause you to hold back water weight, so it is important to not be so hard on yourself and not to stress about things you cannot control; such as your weight or how fit you are. Focus on things that are in your control – your diet, consistency and attitude. Remember, consistency over perfection. If you ‘fucked’ up your diet by eating some ice cream, it’s okay. If you decided to walk out of the gym earlier than expected, it’s okay. Don’t forget to, be proud of the progress you’ve made and that you are actually building habits such as gym-ing and focusing on your diet. Just get back on your grind as soon as possible! Relax, enjoy the moment, get some rest, whatever is needed and start again with a bang.. Also, if you push your body in hopes of burning off your calories while you’re actually ill or not in the mental state to exercise – just fucking don’t. Missing one gym session will not cause you to lose all your progress, just like one slice of cake isn’t going to cause you to gain 2 kgs.

Side tip: if you gain 1,5 kg overnight – it’s not fat, it’s water (or a huge dump). So relax, don’t starve yourself and just go on with your day.

5. Life is more than numbers

Stop focusing on the numbers – your weight, how many calories you’re consuming, how many calories you’re burning, how many steps you’ve taken, how many minutes you’ve been in the gym or how many reps or meters you can fit into a time span – you have not been put on this earth just to lose weight. You need to enjoy life with friends and family, and no number is worth more than any memory. Smiling and actually living life will always outweigh the stress and anxiety that comes with the numbers in our society. I don’t follow a perfect diet, I kuier with my friends, I enjoy dinner and coffee dates with the people I care about in life and I’m definitely not one of those people who has a perfect ‘healthy’ lifestyle.

6. There will be shitty times

The amount of times where I got so frustrated with myself that I actually wanted to give up on my journey is literally uncountable. There were days where I felt so defeated. But the best tip I could give you is that to literally just accept that there is no such thing as a ‘perfect’ day of eating or a ‘perfect’ workout – because perfection literally does not exist. By reminding yourself this, you’ll save yourself a shit ton of stress around perfecting your diet and workouts and you’ll actually motivate yourself to keep going. Take a deep breath, stop overthinking shit and reflect on the progress you have made. Progress is more than physical appearance, it’s the habits you’ve build, your stamina and strength that is building and the way that you feel.

7. Don’t compare yourself

This is literally the worst thing you could do. Do not compare your diet, or workout routine or physical appearance to others. It is only going to bring yourself and your progress down. You’re anyways worth more than comparison.

8. Start by focusing on the why/mental part of your journey

This might not directly help weight loss, but it will definitely create a ripple effect. If you’re solely doing this out of anxiety or stress about your physical appearance, you’ll make the journey shitty. You’ll create unnecessary stress as well a kak mental state for yourself. If you’re doing it only because of aesthetic, cool, but realize that ‘health’ is more than a look. It’s a feeling. Focus first on the question whenever you’re actually happy in life, and use this journey as a tool to help to shape your personality and emotional health first, before attacking and picking your physical appearance apart.

[itsleafourie]

I am extremely proud of my journey. These past few years have had its hard moments, but it was definitely easier than the previous dark hole I’ve been stuck in. It’s not that I was seen by my peers as “ugly” or as someone who was less worthy of love because of my weight (maybe some people did view me as exactly this). It’s the fact that I saw myself as something or someone who does not deserve any support or love. Just keep in mind, that whatever you weigh or whatever you look like, you always deserve every ounce of love and attention coming your way. But for some reason I believed that just because I took up more space than my friends, I wasn’t worthy of being happy or comfortable, and that led to me growing shy and anxious about who I allowed into my space. I never really did socialize with others, and while some did joke around with my “awkwardness”, it eventually fed this anxiety monster deep inside me. I never have and never will link my anxiety, self-esteem issues and other emotional scars I might have picked up with my weight, because that is a lie in itself. No, the direct link between my anxiety and my self-esteem issues was never my weight, but purely how I thought others viewed me.

My weight loss journey was 100% as healthy as one could get. I am a strong advocate for physical and mental health. Although, I am not going to sit here and say that it was smiles and sunshine 24/7, I never harmed myself in effort of wanting to lose weight. There was periods and times where things would get tough and I would feel anxious about weight related things, but isn’t that part of human nature? To feel overwhelmed and defeated when you’re working towards a goal? Point is, I will forever be grateful for my support system I had at home, for it was for my mum, father and step-dad whom kept reminding myself that no transformation journey will ever “weigh” out the scars and hurt of an eating disorder.

This is my goal with my account.

I am not a nutritionist, nor personal trainer, nor professional athlete or a sport star, but what I am is just another teenage girl with a story and a purpose to help others. I would like to spread awareness that weight loss can be done in the most healthy and sustainable way possible. But to be honest, in the end your fitness goal shouldn’t be solely weight loss, but to maintain a healthy and balanced lifestyle that you genuinely enjoy.

In the end, is it not the weight that I lost, but the habits I build which makes me feel proud of myself. It’s the happiness I feel when I’m exercising, or the experience of stress relieve when I run. Numbers such as weight and calories and reps and personal bests could never outweigh the memories I make with my mum when we exercise together, or the outings with my family, or the feel of belonging in a gym with people whom share the same type of journey with each other, or the tears you feel rolling down your face when you realize just how far you’ve come with – not only your physical health – but the emotional and mental state you’re in. It is the countless stories and emotions I link with exercising. It’s not that I’m obsess with fitness out of fear of picking up the weight (because I know that is quite literally impossible); I’m obsess with the feeling of emotions I experience when I am exercising. I’m obsessed with the feeling of being able to mission through the city of Paris without feeling fatigued. I’m obsessed with the feeling of being able to help my parents with groceries or luggage without struggling with my arm strength. I’m obsessed with the feeling of being energized enough to go and enjoy a night out with my sister. I’m obsessed with being able to sleep peacefully, to smile fully, and to know that no matter what I look like I’ll feel confident, solely because of the strength and proudness I build when exercising.

To sum it all up, I am here to advocate for the healthy lifestyle I believe in. I am here to change the stigma that health is a certain weight, a certain number of calories, a certain diet, or a certain exercise routine. Health is a feeling, health is the memories, health is perfecting the art of balance.