jan0ntoast

[jan0ntoast]

Chloe Price from temu

[jan0ntoast]

birthday morning, just missing my morning cigarette ☕️🚬

[jan0ntoast]

i remember saying this is the best cigarette of my life…

[jan0ntoast]

Letter to the love of my twenties

I often look back on our relationship. Initially, I looked back and picked apart everything wrong with it. And boy was there so much wrong and toxic with our relationship. Almost all of it was my doing…

The way I treated you is comparable to how I would treat my family. I became too comfortable around you and stopped trying to hide the bad parts of me. It got to the point where I took out my own self-hatred on you. I began to dislike you during our relationship. I was never able to love anyone properly. How could I when I couldn't even love myself? It never had anything to do with you. It was my negativity searching for someone else to target instead of myself.

I've spent much time asking myself what had changed. What could have made me "hate" you? Maybe your insecurities reflected mine like a mirror, amplifying them.

I stopped showing you love in your love languages and only cared about mine. Selfishness was really a pattern with me, wasn’t it?

Despite all that, it wasn't always so bad. I remember those first eight months of dating. I look back so fondly on that time. Back when I would have done anything to see you crack a smile. I would try to make grand romantic gestures for you - even though I never was the sentimental type - because I knew you would appreciate it.

I liked that old version of me, however temporary she may have been.... She made countless Google searches every day. Searching for new origami pieces to illicit that beautiful grin. She made romantic playlists with all the songs that reminded her of you. She baked cinnamon rolls for a girl she had just met because she just felt there was something special about her. And there was and always will be something special about you.

I was never ready to be intimate with someone else emotionally nor physically. I do wonder if I could have loved you forever and had that happily ever after if I was a better person back then?

As I’m writing this, two weeks before my birthday, I can’t help but hope you’ll check up on me. Will you call just to hear my voice? Hear that I’m doing alright? Ask if you can do anything to make it better? And I could tell you…

I love you and I’m sorry for everything.

[jan0ntoast]

[jan0ntoast]

love affair

i want that burning red love affair

filled with uncontrollable gorgeous chaotic love

to be left feeling hollow once they leave

to crave and be craved

and then left maimed by it’s short lived passion

[jan0ntoast]

Purest love

She’s the honey at the bottom of my tea

A sweetness that makes all the bitterness drift away

Someone whom I am completely and utterly besotted by...

Those amber eyes fill with adoration as she studies every crease and freckle on my face

Her gaze is like sunlight on my skin

I trace little circles on her cheek with my thumb

The softness of her skin under my fingertips feels natural

As if we were meant to be

As if I were only put on this earth to worship her beauty every day of my life

[jan0ntoast]

wear your heart on your cheek <3

[jan0ntoast]

i love cows !!

also Lorde released WWT and ahhh

[jan0ntoast]

in my teenage boy era

[jan0ntoast]

Your blog is so beautiful you honestly deserve way more likes <3

aghh thank you so much !! I’m still figuring out how this app works

[jan0ntoast]

Excerpt from my diary

It was instinctive the way I fell for you... effortless, like the intake of a breath.

It was an emotion so raw, so passionate that it overwhelmed every part of my being.

But it was also soft as the brush of a feather...

Loving you was the most real feeling I've ever experienced.

and if the intake of a breath could take me back... i'd do it all over again

[jan0ntoast]

[jan0ntoast]

home.

[jan0ntoast]

this is my digital diary now