jas-midnight-thoughts

[jas-midnight-thoughts]

My favorite color is yellow

My favorite color is yellow, but a lot of people can never guess that because I’m always wearing darker colors. I always try to disguise myself in the background of everything, sure I like to dress nice but it’s still just enough so people won’t notice me.

My favorite color is yellow because yellow is who I want to be. I want to be that bold unmistakable brightness that everyone knows, I want to have that unwavering confidence and joy that comes with it. I want to mold myself into that color that looks so pretty everywhere, that color that knows how to be bold just as well as it knows to be mellow.

I want to put myself out there just like the color yellow. To meet new people and find joy in just being there. I spend too many days sitting and thinking about what it could be like, I need to pull up and be that color yellow.

But it’s so scary I don’t know if I can, but I won’t give up on building myself up to at least try

[jas-midnight-thoughts]

Just a rant

I’m at the point in life and friendships where it officially seems like I’m not there. At first it was just me thinking it and feeling left out, then forming into this thing that everyone knows. Everyone has agreed and understood that I am always the odd one out. It doesn’t really seem to bother anyone really it’s just like it’s fact. I’m never going to me the first choice it’s always going to be that way. This person is their first thought, then maybe second is this other person, and maybe if I’m lucky I’ll get the third spot but I’m usually the last thought. It’s really sad to think about that your friends don’t completely like you but I think it’s better to realize this reality than to just try and deny it and cover it up with bullshit excuses. I have a great understanding that I am the most replaceable person with all my friends and I find that okay. I think, I’m still not sure cause it still really hurts. I just don’t feel like there is at least one person that understands me or I can come to for anything. Sure I have “best friends” but they’re only my best friend they are more closer to other people it’s not the same both ways. I just,,,,, feel left out in everything and that no one really wants to hang out with me. I know that sound silly but the amount of times my friends plan stuff with each other and leave me out and when I try to plan things and they already have plans with each other it hurts. My friend group is a group of 5 people including me, I feel like they all grouped with one person in that group leaving me by myself. And there is this incident that happened with a girl that used to hang out with us but I messed up and made her leave and I feel like everyone hates me for that. Like there is this resentment in the group against me and because of that I’m scared to do anything or really know how they feel. I already accidentally caught two of my friends talking about how I messed up and how i should’ve kept my feelings to myself. And at home isn’t any better I just feel lost and stuck. Everyone always says that it gets better but everything is just getting worse and worse.

None of that really made sense but this is mostly to just sort myself out and what I am feeling and kind of a rant,,,

[jas-midnight-thoughts]

Walls and Curtains

I thought I was doing better mentally. But I’m not. I am trying my best to be positive, not to always get down on myself but it’s so hard. Even though I act like I’m doing better, I feel like I’m just covering up what I actually feel like. I feel like everything is going to start bubbling over soon. I never felt this drained before, that’s probably why I’m trying so hard to cover it. To convince myself I’m okay.

Because I know if I break now there is no coming back from it.

There is this ache in my body I know to ignore. Because if I don’t, my real thoughts will get the best of me. I’m building a wall in myself to stop myself from facing myself. This terrifies me. I thought I was taking steps forward, but in reality I was walking miles backwards.

But what can I do? I’m passed the point of reaching out for help.

If I do in the slightest way voice my negative thoughts about myself I’m called “selfish”.

Selfish

That word and me go way back. Back to 7 year old me voicing for the first time that I wanted to die. Then being shot down and hit by my mother for even thinking that thought instead of asking “why?”. That word bouncing in my head even now, when I think I’m making the right choice for everyone but then doubting myself thinking “Am I too selfish?”.

But I know I’m passed the point of being even close to the word selfish. No not because I’m bettering myself. But because I know I’m passed the point that anyone can help. A lost cause. My body is giving up on me either way I’m losing the fight in my head everyone but no one seems to know about. So what do I do? Nothing. There isn’t anything to do anymore.

I’m too drained to fight anymore, to help myself anymore.

I’m just watching from the front row waiting for my curtains to close, please tell me it’s the end of my show.

[jas-midnight-thoughts]

The Crisis Center

A few days ago, my friend told the Counselor about my almost suicide attempt.

It was a weird experience for me because I had to sit there and explain what was going through my head at that time. All I could think about is why is it hard for her to completely understand me? She looked at me with such concern and pity I really didn’t understand it, doesn’t everyone feel sad? I had to stop and ask her that question, doesn’t everyone feel sad? Of course I was very confused to exactly why it’s such a surprise for me to even think about suicide. She was surprised by my question it was very easy to tell. But she looked at me, and that surprised faced turned into an almost scared expression. She turned to me all the way and told me that everyone gets sad, but for most it not a permanent feeling that’s always there. Ah then I remembered, not everyone walks around with this empty feeling in their chest. I had it for so long I almost remembered that it’s not “normal”.

Then of course they called my mother, it was hard to even look at her as my counselor explained everything. I couldn’t speak at all it was like a knot was stuck in my throat. I felt the utmost dread sitting there, it wasn’t because I regretted what I did. It was because I was scared for her reaction, my mother isn’t the kindest person in the world. As we walked out the school to go to the crisis center I was terrified, what will my mother do? There was no words spoken between us that entire day, only when the therapist asked my mother questions that I need to add on to. I think that hurt more than my attempt to be honest, my mother not even showing any type of concern or anger. I just wanted any emotion, something to show that you care anything at all.

So here I am a few days later, alive and breathing. Still wouldn’t care either way if I was alive or dead but it seems it’s not a normal thing to be okay with. The therapist said I’m sick, I understand where that came from but at the same time does it matter? Realistically if I wanted it gone I could just end it all. Sure people will be sad but they will move on, the pain isn’t forever. Plus I’m just another basic person walking, nothing special just a true plane Jane. It’s okay if I die time moves we all die at some point I’m just picking the time instead. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

[jas-midnight-thoughts]

Do I stay?

Have you ever just felt lost?

You’re alone but you’re not, all your friends are around you, but they’re not

You’re the outcast of the group and you know it. You can feel yourself slowly fading away from them but you try so hard to grab on to whatever is left,

You speak up about it, of course why wouldn’t you? But they don’t seem to understand quite just yet what’s going on, just to rid you of that feeling temporarily.

They won’t understand until they look up and see you gone

You look around and see everyone talking and having fun, later you find out there is a whole group chat that you’re not in

That you’re no longer going to understand the fun inside jokes they throw around

But what can you say?

There is nothing you can really do because they themselves don’t give one shit

Now you’re stuck, there is nothing you can do but smile. Pretend that nothing is wrong because as soon as you do you’re being selfish it’s all in your head, how dare you feel some type away about this

A feeling in your chest that you really can’t explain but it’s suffocating, it coils tight in your chest feeling like you can’t breathe but at the same time taking in as much air as you can

I feel like I don’t belong anywhere anymore

Going to friends parties I feel like the stranger, sitting there smiling trying not to upset anyone

It’s a feeling of them being right there in a foggy mist, but as soon as you reach out they’re all mountains away with their heads turned away

I just want to belong somewhere again

Is that selfish to ask?

Probably but this pit in my chest is becoming bigger and I can feel I’m going to do something terrible to myself that I don’t know if I can stop

[jas-midnight-thoughts]

Death

I guess you can call me suicidal but I won’t go out of my way to kill myself but I just stopped caring. Something could happen to me tomorrow and I'll be okay with it, a little happy even. I just stopped doing the little things that keep me safe, like looking both ways before you cross the street or walking alone at night. I just don't care if I live or die anymore and I don't know if I should be scared of that fact

[jas-midnight-thoughts]

Love letters

A thing that just popped into my head this late at night is how can't you tell the difference between a love letter and a suicide letter. Both are written with love, take just one line from both and you won’t be able to tell. The thing with suicide notes is that it ends with pain and a empty feeling of who ever is unfortunate enough to be holding it. While love letters and suicide notes tell a story of past times one ends with happiness and the other with pain and the thought of what you could have done to stop it.

[jas-midnight-thoughts]

Friends

Do you ever feel like you're not good enough for your friends, like you want them to stop talking to you. Cut off all connections because you know that they can do better, get a friend that will treat them right and they can depend on. While I'm broken trying to put myself back together. They're caught up in the mix of my problems, trying to help piece me together when its my own fault. They shouldn't be troubled with it. I have these feelings way too much

[jas-midnight-thoughts]

Life

My life could end any second and it wouldn’t really matter, sure family and friends would be sad but they’ll get over it and move on. I know I shouldn’t be talking like this. You will say how my life matters and all that jazz. I’m not saying I’ll kill myself, but I am saying I have no control over it if I do die soon. I’m only 15, I haven’t done anything with my life i haven’t made a impact on anything or anyone, I’m just here living my life and moving on. I’m a quiet girl very shy and bad social anxiety. So no one really knows me, so if I just died no one around would be really hurt or anything maybe a little pity but that’s about it. I don’t mean it in a bad way either, it’s just that we’re human. We don’t stick to one thing too long, especially if it has nothing to do with our lives.

I could go on but for the concern of myself I should probably stop.

[jas-midnight-thoughts]

Beautiful

I would love to see the day where I call myself beautiful and really mean it, I just don’t see any beauty in me I try so hard to accept myself as a person and all I can see is this ugly demon that won’t leave me alone

[jas-midnight-thoughts]

Hair

I never knew the texture of my hair until about two weeks ago, I relaxed my hair so much growing up I thought it was just naturally straight like that. Now that I can see my hair shortest as it ever been, I love it so much. Its not the curly loose curls I see everywhere but the kinkiest coils I ever seen and I love it with all my heart I just wished I learned sooner

[jas-midnight-thoughts]

Skin

It’s all amazing to me how you can spend your whole life hating something about you so much knowing you can’t get rid of it My brown skin is apart of me and it’s not going anywhere but I spent so long hating it I don’t know how to love it