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Day209 2015; One small accomplishment = one big smile 😁

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Day182 2015; Beginning the next phase of my recovery. Yay 💪🏽

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Wow!

Who would think that I could absolutely feel so over the moon about my life with an injury like this.

Tonight marks 14 weeks since I received this injury, and it’s been almost 13 weeks since my surgery. Yesterday was my 12 week post op check in with my surgeon and I was the most nervous I had ever been with this whole injury process. I sat there after my X-Rays, sweating, shaking and feeling so anxious, to hear what my surgeon thinks of my progress.

Boy, was I overjoyed with the words that were coming out of his mouth. I never thought that I would be ahead of my progress at this point in my recovery. My leg flexion is the best he’s ever seen with my injury purely because I have a type 5, double incision with plates on both sides, which means that recovery is actually a lot slower then your ‘typical’ TPF. My extension is pretty much at 0 as well, so he was absolutely stoked with that as lots of people lose that when they focus too much on flexion. My scars are looking really well according to him as well. My leg, as a whole, is beyond what he expected and he was so proud of me for having the determination and drive to better my self.

The best words that left his mouth were, ‘I’m raising all restrictions off you’. I actually had to ask him what that meant because I was so thrilled to hear that. The questions came flowing from me, ‘Can I drive?’ ‘Can I start trekking?’ ‘Can I play Netball?’ ‘Can I run?’ ‘Can I do whatever I like whenever I like?’. He told me I will obviously have restrictions with my knee and I will be able to physically feel those when I am doing what I am doing. The fact I have a functioning knee is amazing, it’s 10x better then having a knee that can’t function at all.

And when he said, YES YOU CAN DRIVE. Only you can imagine the feelings that came through me when those words were said.

I can do what I want, when I want, however I want. I don’t need my crutches, I don’t need permission, I can finally go back to living a somewhat normal life with this injury. It doesn’t mean to say I haven’t still got a long way to go, however I’ve come a hell of a long way to be where I am today and I am absolutely proud of myself for having the drive and determination to get me here. I finally feel like I am back on track to getting the full me back.

He spoke to me about what I will come across along the way, such as, if I push myself too hard on a day trek, it could take me a couple of days to recover, to get my knee feeling right again. I will eventually have post traumatic arthritis that will come on, when, we don't know, my body will determine that and I will know (according to him) when the arthritis will come on. I will eventually have all bar 1 plate and some screws removed, however the longer it’s in my body, the more it will benefit me. My k wires have not budged at all since my surgery, which is a good sign as my hardware removal might not only be until after summer, but then again we can’t predict how my body is going to react to being ‘normal’ again. I won’t ever be able to bend my leg like I did prior to my injury, however he said I could be the first patient of his to get there... This makes me more determined to get there before I see him in 3 months time. 

The right attitude really does help with progress and I don’t doubt that for a second.

My next steps will be to push hard with my physio and to now increase my muscle mass in my leg. I want to be as fit and strong as possible before summer so I am not restricted as much to do what I want to do.

Onwards and upwards from here!!

Peace ✌️

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Day177 2015; My knee after 12 weeks. Looking good ✌️

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Those moments

You know those moments when you're just so unsure about your future. About what it has to hold. Tonight is definitely one of those nights. Even a few wines down you are constantly worrying about whether you're able to do certain things again. One of those things for me right now is HEELS. How superficial can I be?? I'm worrying about heels, whether I can wear them again when in all honesty I should be grateful I can walk! And to be honest I've come to the total acceptance that I may never be able to wear them! And that kinda sucks!! I love heels. I love all types of heels. Netball, will I ever be able to play a sport I love?? Running, will I ever be able to do something that totally completely clears my mind?? Hiking, will I ever be able to go on a walk and not worry about how sore I will be?? Such small questions that only I can answer in the long run. And that sucks. The uncertain completely sucks. It builds on your anxiety and you cannot venture away from it. This is what goes through your mind daily with this injury. Actually no, this is such a minimal thing that goes through your mind with this injury. So much really does. It brings tears to me writing this. I absolutely hate the unknown, but I have to face it on a daily basis! Every day is completely different, physically and mentally. But this is my life now, I have to accept it. Peace ✌

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9 WEEKS TODAY

Yes, 9 weeks since my injury already! I can’t believe how fast the last 9 weeks have been. At the time it felt like the slowest time of my life, but looking back I am so proud of myself as I have come so far since that day that changed my life.

Where to start, where to start?

The beginning days are a mix for me, some days are so vivid and other days are quite the blur. Some days it feels like 9 weeks have been totally wasted from under me, other’s it feels like a huge accomplishment with this injury. Maybe I could’ve utilised my time a bit more efficiently being stuck at home for so long, however I can’t change that now. Instead, I managed to get through about 30 movies (no exaggeration, if anything I’ve probably under estimated it) and about 15 seasons of tv shows, containing around 250 episodes total. Not exactly something to be proud about but I can definitely say I am officially over watching tv shows and movies!

What’s been happening? I think I broke my toe on my non TPF leg, slipped in the shower. Saw my surgeon. Took my brace off permanently. Saw my physiotherapist. AND I’ve been living a ‘normal’ life by visiting friends, family, staying out, going to dinner, movies etc. It’s been busy and full on and I am totally happy and feeling like ‘me’ again! However this caught up to me very fast and put me back to bed for a few days with a sinus infection.

Finally about 9 days ago I was given permission from my specialist to weight bare 25% of my body weight! I’m able to increase 25% every 2 weeks, this Friday will mean I can put half my body weight on my leg! To be honest I’ve been a bit cheeky and I’ve walked around home without my crutches as tolerated. If I get too sore I do stop and go back to 25% weight bearing, I’m getting a little bit impatient for the first time since my accident. 

Patience Jess, patience. It really is a virtue, look how far 9 weeks of patience has gotten you, another 6 weeks will make you stronger! 

Permission for my brace to come off was granted and to be quite honest, it made me feel free, no longer trapped by this thing around my leg. I’m wearing jeans no problem and I can FINALLY wear outfits without having to worry about how it’s going to look with my brace - I sound so superficial.

I was also given permission to return to work! Yay freedom! My occupational therapist and I met with my boss at work to schedule a gradual return to work plan. Part time work is better then none and I can assure you, bringing back this normal-ness into my life is so exciting! I start part time tomorrow, I’m a bit anxious but also excited!

Physio has been a goer as well now that I am weight bearing. I’ve got a tonne of exercises to do each day and they do tire me out. I do admit I slack off on the exercises a bit as there is so much to do and that’s probably why I am not getting any further the 90 degrees on my flexion. Can only blame myself right?

Current physio exercises:

Foam rolling of Quad, Hamstring and Glut (you’ll be surprised how sore these muscles get when you’re learning to walk again)

Stretching my calf against a wall

Foot up on a step/chair and pushing in to bend it as far as possible

Cycling to improve range of motion

Leg raises bending at the knee on an angle to build different parts of my quad

As well as my previous exercises of:

Leg lifts, calf stretches, quad tenses

Rocking my leg back and forth on a skateboard

Lying on my stomach on a table with my leg hanging off the table to improve extension

Bending my leg lying on my back and trying to bring it as close to my bum as possible

9 week update:

Wins: I am tolerating my weight whilst walking. My ROM flexion is at 90, maybe 95 if I push hard. I am heading back to work part time. I am starting to feel normal. Muscle definition is slowly returning, and I emphasis on slowly. 

Next steps: Push hard to increase my flexion. Work harder on my physio exercises. Swimming/hydrotherapy. Muscle building.

Pain: Only pain when pushing hard on my physio exercises. Have not taken any pain medication for some time now! My shins occasionally hurt. Recently feels like I’ve constantly got something tight wrapped around my knee area, gets uncomfortable.

This week finally brings more normality into my life and it is safe to say I am very nervous. But nerves are a good sign, I just hope my anxiety cools off now that I will have routine!

Wish me luck!

Peace ✌️

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Anxiety

No one ever warns you about the pain of anxiety with this injury. Anxiety is a hard thing to explain and being someone who previously experienced anxiety with depression, being an injured anxiety sufferer is something totally new for me.

Most of us have some sort of an understanding of anxiety, you can’t control it, you can’t 100% explain it. But put it this way, you know that feeling you get in your heart when you miss a step, imagine that constant feeling always, even just lying in bed, that feeling totally haunts you. It delays your drive to do anything, and then you get even more anxious because you might miss a deadline or you might let your friends down because you are late. It’s not something that is easily explainable. 

Having this injury has taught new things about me, I actually suffer a whole lot of anxiety with this. Bed is my ‘safe haven’, I know I can’t ruin my leg anymore if I stay in bed, and that’s exactly what I do. It’s not good mentally and I know that, so I don’t let myself over think things too much, which is a complete joke because 1, I am an over thinker and have been all my life and 2, when you’re in bed all day it’s hard not to think.

Sunday however was an all new low for me, my anxiety absolutely killed me. I woke up so concerned for my leg, like I thought that any movement meant I was going to ruin it again. I also legitimately thought I no longer had friends, that I was no longer important to anyone. And the struggle with this injury is that you can’t go out and do what everyone is doing, so the anxiety kicks in, instead of ‘I can’t go because of my injury’ it’s more like ‘What did I do, did I say something to them that offended them, this is all my fault, I’m the reason they no longer like me, my injury has stopped our friendship’ etc. It’s absolutely horrible. It’s always playing in your mind and the only way to get rid of it is to sleep, but then the cycle never ends, you wake up anxious about doing anything, that making something to eat will hurt you so you stay in bed and so on.

I do have some control over my anxiety, I learn when it’s coming on the worst and how to deal with it. It’s not something that can just ‘go away’ because you want it to. You learn to incorporate it into your everyday life.

I start work this week and I probably will have a couple of anxiety attacks, but that’s ok because I can get through it.

This injury has nothing on me

Peace ✌️

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Day138 2015; this is as far as my knee can go right now but damn I'm impressed with myself ☺️ #tpf #tibialplateaufracture #roadtorecovery #icandoit

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Scar update

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Check in

It’s been a week since my last post and thought I better update what’s been happening. My last post I was on top of the world, this time not so much.

My anxiety of my injury has kicked in rather rapidly, I thought I had it under control but the past few days I’ve felt more scared and anxious about my recovery then ever before. Having anxiety scares me as I don’t want to spiral down into the dark hole of depression as I have been there multiple times before.

Since my clearance for physio I finally checked into my local physiotherapist who I previously went to when I tore my quad. Janni, my physio, informed me I am pretty much a week early as there’s not much that can be done until I am weight bearing... A little bit frustrated and disappointed however it’s quite understandable as strengthening can’t really happen until I’m able to put pressure on my leg. I can’t wait to get definition back in my leg, it looks so sad without any muscle.

I was also told my extension isn’t completely at 0 degrees. Another minor setback that disappointed me. I really thought my extension was perfect, but instead it’s about 10 degrees off 0. She’s also noticed a bit of hip drop and has advised to rest my leg behind me instead of in front of me when standing up with my crutches, it’s not an easy habit to get into that’s for sure but I really don’t want to end up having more therapy for injuries induced by my tpf.

However besides the small issues I walked out of there still feeling positive about my leg, I kind of don’t have a choice but to be positive really. I just wish I was positive all the time... Like I said, previously this week, I haven’t managed to control my anxiety as much as I have been able to. I’m really good at putting on a front, however I’m not afraid to show when I’m not 100%. Hopefully next week will bring me happier emotions. It’s normal to have bad days or bad weeks, I do need to remind myself that. I can’t be hard on myself just because the last few days have been a bit of a struggle.

My current exercises are leg lifts, calf stretches and quad tenses

Exercises given were:

Lying flat on my stomach on a table with my foot hanging off the edge. This is to improve my extension as much as possible

Putting my foot on a skateboard and rocking it back and forth

Lying flat on my back with my leg bent foot flat on the floor trying to bring it as close to my bum as possible, hold it for about a minute then try bring it closer, hopefully eventually I will be able to bring it to 90...

Next week Tuesday marks 6 weeks since my hardware installation and I am really hoping my flexion will be 90 or close to 90. When I see my surgeon next week I’m hoping to have permission to go back to work if not full time, part time, fingers crossed.

Bring on what future challenges arise

Peace ✌️

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WHAT A DAY

Today is the first day of the month of May two thousand and fifteen. 

Today is such a good day. 

Today the winter sun is shining, there are no clouds in the sky and I am stoked that it is a new month. 

Today I feel great things will come this month and it’s already started with a bang.

After a much needed catch up with a close friend over breakfast and then another much needed FaceTime session with another close friend of mine, I visited my surgeon once again, cause really his office is my second home. After wound examination and a bit of banter about how he has a love hate relationship with my knee, this ‘problem patient’ has clearance for PHYSIO! Something so little like this has actually already made my month! Yes, I can finally start more progress into my recovery.

My surgeon and his consultant were absolutely stoked with the look of my knee after my infection, they were impressed with the amount of flexion I had gained, and also the whole healing as a full. He’s so happy to see how far I’ve come considering how injured my leg is. I’m still non weight bearing however I’m going to kick this flexion in it’s ass, bring on 90 degree angle! AND, I no longer have to sleep with my brace! I feel absolutely amazing!! I’m actually on this crazy high of happiness! I want to keep this up, I love this.

I have good vibes for the month of May and I cannot wait to see what is in store for me.

LETS DO THIS

Peace ✌️

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Day120 2015; STOKED! My legs flexion is improving!! 💪🏼 #tpf #tibialplateaufracture #roadtorecovery #icandoit

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sigh

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MY MIND

I think what I didn’t realise is how much I’d be so invested into my own knee. Sounds silly doesn’t it. But I am becoming obsessed with knees and people’s walking style. I always compare my knee with my other knee or I secretly compare it with other peoples knees, my friends knees, strangers knees, etc.

My current knee as of today, the semi infection has made my one scar a lot fatter and deep purpley/pink, but to be completely honest I don’t even mind the look of my leg as I want my scars there so I can tell me story of an injury I overcame when I’m older. Not only that but I want to support others that will go through the same injury. I’m lucky enough to find my support group on Facebook who I can rely on with anything I go through. Any concerns, vents or general chat, I can talk to my support group without a worry of judgement. The same goes to my friends and family however having someone to talk to that has gone through what you’ve gone through is a bit different to talking to your friends/family etc.

 It was 4 weeks yesterday since my operation of my hardware, and I finally am starting to feel a bit of freedom. Dinners with my girls, shopping, just being out and about, it is amazing!

End of last week, 25th April, Nepal had a massive earthquake which has killed over 4000 people and still counting. The whole country is completely covered in damages. I count myself so lucky as I was due to fly out to Nepal on the 5th May to complete a trek up to Mt Everest Basecamp and enjoy other touristy things. I’m not completely sure if i’ve mentioned that already. I had decided some months back that this trek would be the perfect opportunity for me, something out of my comfort zone but also something I long wish to achieve on my own. Unfortunately my knee caused a major hiccup and has delayed this journey. However on Saturday I figured out one of my reasons as to why that happened. Who knows what the future outcome for Nepal is at this moment but I know I will get back there and complete my trek, and now I have this desire to aid in villages that need assistance. My knee isn’t going to hold me back from that in the future, I know it won't. I feel for the people in Nepal, it makes my injury so minimal to what is going on in the world. That is a reason for me to not be down about my leg but to appreciate that I still have one!

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt about this injury, patience truly is key.

I’ve managed to achieve a lot of things the past week. For starters my blog, some days it feels like a ‘dear diary’, others it feels like I am helping others understand my journey and injury, however I do wonder who reads it — that’s not my focus though, in the end this blog is for future Jess, when days are tough I can go back and see how far I have come. I’ve become very swift on my crutches, finding it so much easier to manoeuvre around. I can finally sleep on my sides, my sleep is improving (even though 5am is quite late to fall asleep I am still getting a solid 4 hours without waking up!), I’m becoming more active in terms of fending for myself, cleaning my room, making my own foods, not being nervous about showering, STANDING in the shower even though it’s only about 30 seconds at a time. I’m slowly achieving things, minor things however they’re a major for me.

Off to the surgeon I head again at the end of this week to see what more he has to say...

These words I will leave with that were given to me over the weekend

“If I could give you any advice (and if someone had told me at the time I probably wouldn’t have listened cause it’s easier said than done), try and not focus on the things you can and can’t do now and what you think you will and will not be able to do in the future.” 

Peace ✌️

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Ugghhh

I'm over this. Today's a bad day. I miss being able to just get up normally, and driving and going to work and everything a normal person does. I'm stuck. I feel stuck. My life is on hold! I'm not being negative, I just miss life before TPF. The life I took for granted. It was simple. Now, it's not so simple! Everyone stresses over me and it does my head in. I wanna be able to go out for a drive, catch up with friends, have a drink at the pub, but I can't without asking permission or having someone who can take me or giving reasons to my parents of where I'll be and who I'll be with. Before I used to go on drives on my own, enjoy my own company whilst admiring the great views that Auckland has to offer. I can't do that at the moment and it's frustrating. I also miss something as simple as having a normal shower, I can't stand whilst having a shower, I sit on a stool. Things like dancing around the house, play fighting my brother, the things you don't appreciate as much whilst you're able bodied. I miss being a normal 22 year old. I miss certain people I can no longer see as often. I miss my job. And I miss driving my car. And the worst part, my surgeon told me I'm constantly going to have issues with my knee for the rest of my life. Life currently sucks. Peace ✌️

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WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS TPF?

I had never ever heard of a Tibial Plateau Fracture let alone a tibia until I injured myself. These words were foreign and scared me. I think to be honest they scare everyone. However now, they’re apart of my everyday vocabulary. It’s been a lesson not only of my injury but of how our body works.

A tibial plateau fracture, as per Wikipedia, ‘is a bone fracture or break in the continuity of the bone occurring in the proximal part of the tibia or shinbone called the tibial plateau; affecting the knee joint, stability and motion.’ What a bunch of mumble jumble! It didn’t make any sense to me at all. I had to go back and forth between a dictionary and Wikipedia to understand fully what TPF was.

To put things in simpler terms (which is so hard to do), you know the joint under your knee cap? And your shin bone? Right under there is the ‘plateau’, this helps with stability and balance when standing. All that bone up the top which meets my thigh bone, I shattered, into many pieces. There was also one very large piece of bone which separated itself from my main bone. Sounds painful doesn’t it.

There are many types of fractures and I managed to give myself the least common fracture possible. For starters a TPF is only 1% of all fractures around the world, type 5 is only 3% of all TPF injuries. Good one me, I did the worst possible type of fracture one can ever do and that is why I have 3 plates, wires and 20 screws installed in my leg.

As a TPF is so uncommon, not many people understand the long term affects and the recovery process of this injury. Many people will say, ‘oh it’s just a broken leg, you’ll be fine in 6 weeks’, ‘why you still complaining, you hurt yourself 4 weeks ago’, etc etc. It’s not as simple as that. My leg was stuck at 0 flexion and 0 extension for 4 solid weeks, no weight has been put on my leg still to this day and won’t for another 4 weeks. My brain has now gotten used to the fact my body does not rely on my right leg, scary thought really.

The process is slow and very frustrating but you have to tolerate how fast your body wants to go. Right now my leg flexion is set to 90 however my leg is stuck around 45, you may think this is a mental block but it’s also about retraining my muscle around my knee to bend. Eventually I will be able to partially weight bare on my leg but it will be very minimal amounts at a time, this is where I will need to retrain my mind and leg to balance, along with learning to walk again. Once another 6 weeks passes after my initial 4 weeks, I hope to have full flexion and be walking unassisted.

There will be set backs, my body might start to reject my hardware, I might not be able to fully extend or flex my leg, my body might take longer then my own expected time frame, my muscle rebuild might take a while. So many things I have to be real about.

This is my life now, and I wouldn’t change it if I could.

Peace ✌️