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I'm "angular"

in addition to rarely hungry.

Years ago I would have been happy and delighted. But I find myself confused.

Is my eating disorder really gone?

I'm scared she's here again, to reinforce what's right.

But I have a new version of "right?"

Her voice is getting louder.

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I healed and I am continuously healing.

By doing things that make me feel one with my body. By living my truth. By seeking and using help. By working hard.

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Alt-J // Breezeblocks

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My coworker called me "too skinny"

Lol you should seen me when I literally did not eat anything and worked out in my room for hours every night.

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Is anyone else who is recovered get triggered from seeing advertisements like this?

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>.<

... my ex best friend just posted that she's officially the shortest sibling. Note: She is the oldest in her family of 4 kids

I really want to scream "IT'S BECAUSE YOUR EATING DISORDER STUNTED YOUR GROWTH FROM YEARS OF MALNUTRITION, OBVIOUSLY."

but I can't do that so I'll just post it here...

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I’ve come to realise that “normal eating” is anything but normal.

It’s not eating a perfectly balanced, healthy and nutritious meal with a source of protein, carbohydrates and fats 3 times daily, with 2 snacks in between.

Sometimes it’s having leftover apple pie for breakfast,...

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so i love postsecret but omg when they put up secrets about eating disorders with cliche backgrounds of a model’s mouth taped over holding a cupcake i want to shoot myself

i fucking hate cliche things about eating disorders

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The real tragedy cannot be measured in pounds lost; the real tragedy is the semesters of college, jobs, friendships, dignity, vitality, and experiences lost.

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I've come to this blog several times with the intention of deleting it.

WHY CAN'T I DELETE YOU?!??!

Because I feel it in my gut, when I look at the old posts on here. how broken I used to be. How thin I used to be, and still could be.

What goes on in my head is an atom bomb of memory and emotion, and well I guess that's why I can never bring myself to delete this blog... 

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obviously, I've abandoned this blog.

obviously, I can't quite let it go yet. no matter how long I go without posting, without thinking the way I used to when food controlled my life.

I can say, that I'm the furthest from an eating disorder today than I ever have been since all this shit started when I was about 15. I've been maintaining what I know to be a healthy weight for my shape and height, and I don't obsess about food (as much as I used to).

I guess you can say I've been "physically" recovered for quite some time now, but for the past few years I've kept this blog, holding on to the "mental" aspects of my eating disorder, because even today, I'm still a little scared about what would happen if I forget about her completely. I'd post my deepest, darkest conversations with the demon in my head here... I'd post all the fears I couldn't say aloud. 

There are still 377 followers on this blog... and I'm sure its just because you haven't gone through your blogs and unfollowed those who are inactive. Well, I'm not sure why else you'd be hanging in here, but for everyone who's been around for the past however many months/years that I've kept this up, I just want to say thanks for all your support and that I hope everyone finds their light and reason for life. 

I'll be over at www.peace-love-catie.tumblr.com if you need me.

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reblogging to remind myself, too.

4 months ago I submited a picture showing the reality of what laxatives do to your body. I was severly bulimic and using over 200 laxatives 5+ days a week.

My doctors told me my bowels had stopped moving and that I would never go poop by myself again, that I would need a colonoscopy bag. 1 month ago I went ip. 3 weeks in a had gained 18 lb of water weight in my stomach. And than magic happened, with the proper care, my bowels started working and I am now in recovery and laxative free.

On the left I was deep in bulimia, in the middle is what happens after 3 days of not using laxatives when your body is addicted. Your colon inflames, you retain all water and bloat like no other. On the right is my first day out of ip, moving my bowels and eating 1900 cals a day.

This is a double messege. 1, laxatives solve nothing and are not worth the physical pain having them AND not having them causes. 2, its possible to get life back, no matter how far in you are <3

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excuse me, hello, i saw your post on my dashboard, the one with a list of emotional symptoms and all of them checked.. where did you take that picture from? i mean, i'm curious because i would check all of those too and i'm afraid that something maybe wrong with me

if you think there is something wrong with you then go see a doctor. A checklist won't diagnose you

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Don't want to go to the gym because they always have to manually look up my card >:-(

It's not a huge deal, it's just really annoying, especially when it's the same people behind the front desk who should definitely recognize you by now.

Guess I'm doing yoga anyway this morning.

ROUTINE:

Sun Salutation (x3)

Warrior 2, Reverse Warrior, Warrior 3 (x2)

Tree to Star pose (x2)

Dolphin

Half moon (x2)

Sun Salutation (x2)

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This afternoons stats. I've been to the gym 3 times in the past 5 days! Woohoo!