just-another-with-bee-pd

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

The 4 BPD subtypes

There are 4 borderline personality disorder subtypes: impulsive, discouraged, self-destructive, and petulant. IMPULSIVE subtype: These people struggle with impulsivity the most. This can look like binge eating, overspending, unprotected sex, drinking under the influence, alcoholism, gambling, drug use, outbursts, physical fights, yelling fits, breaking things. People with this subtype may appear energetic, flirtatious, charismatic, motivating. DISCOURAGED/QUIET subtype: These people may keep their emotions inside and express harm to themselves rather than other things/people. Instead of yelling at others they may indulge in self harm behaviors. People with this subtype may be clingy, feel empty or lonely most of the time, be perfectionists, engage in self harm or suicide behaviors, codependant, have anger and emotional mood swings if abandonment issues get triggered. SELF-DESTRUCTIVE subtype:

These people have increased euphoria, a decrease need for sleep, increase in energy. (Self-destructive bpd subtype is not the same as mania, so speak to your doctor about this if you relate to this subtype). People with this subtype may abusive substances like alcohol or/and drugs, indulge in adrenaline-seeking behaviors without thinking of consequences, self harm - burning, cutting, hitting themselves, threats of suicide. PETULANT subtype: These people have severe mood swings - can go from sad to euphoric in minutes, feel unworthy and unloved, have an unhealthy desire for control. People with this subtype are irritable, stubborn, passive-aggressive, struggle in relationships, struggle with substance abuse. People who have borderline personality disorder can sometimes relate to just one subtypes, sometimes all of them. You don't have to feel like you have to fit into a category - there are many different ways bpd can manifest and not everyone with bpd is going to be the same way.

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

May 31/22------TW

I really don't think I could feel anymore alone. Its the only feeling that around right now...Its eating me alive.  The only thing I want to do anymore is die. I have no will to keep living. My fiancé thinks she's perfect and im consistently in the wrong because im the one with mental health and thats not how this works. She doesn't realize when she starts the fights, when she just won't shut up, when she screams at me for making “little comments” but then does the same thing and isn't in the wrong. 

I consistently live in a mind state of numbness. I don't feel anymore. Unless its hurt. Its all hurt. I can only pretend to be happy for so long before I crack..More and more im losing touch with reality it seems. More and more I want to just give up, more and more I don't want to alive. 

A consistent feeling of wanting to die is never a way to live.  I want to be normal. It almost baffles me when I remember that there are people out there that don't have a mental illness. It hurts everyday to wake up. Sometimes I wish I didn't. But the fear of death sends me into panic attacks almost daily...Im not afraid to die, Im Petrified of what comes after...the unknown...  But lets not start that because I can't feel my chest getting tight already..

Ive seen in recent news reports that they are now adding mental illnesses to the list of people of can have medically assisted death in Canada. Its a thought on my mind daily. Ive had to just out on a happy face and tell everyone ive stopped thinking of it because some get sad, some get angry, and some just don't seem to care or react the way you would assume they would.  I feel like such a burden to my fiance because I don't work because my mental health is fucking shot. All I do is sit around all day practically because I just can't function. I feel like such burden to my mom. Yes, she picked me, took me in, “bandaged me up”, and loves me to pieces(well I think she does), but she didn't sign up for being my “favourite person”, she didn't sign up for the 4 am texts about me wanting to die, she didn't sign up for putting her whole heart into someone, making me her daughter, to then watch me fade away. 

So everyday, I put on a smile, some days I just can't, but most days I can figure it out, to hide how much I want to just give up, to cover how tired I am...how deadly this disorder really is. People who do not have it, won't ever fully understand what its like to live with it... I wish just for a day, my family could see what its like, maybe then they'll understand me better, maybe then they'll realize im not doing this because im lazy or seeking attention..maybe then, I could be just understood...

This disease is what's going to kill me. If its not myself, It will be my unbalanced brain.. 

BPD-Borderline Personality Disorder Is Deadly...( Patients with borderline personality disorder (BPD) are at high risk for early death from suicide ) 

This disease is one that can't be cured, one that won't go away, one you can't fix with medicine...One you have it. Its a long road of unknown, emotional trauma. 

I don't want to die. I don't want to lose my family... I want the pain to stop. The suffering to just...stop.

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

May 28/22------TW Self-Harm

1 year, 2 months...400+ days.... Thats a long time...A very, very long time...

Today...I relapsed. It felt so good…but knew it was so bad

So many thoughts, so many feelings... This was the longest ive ever been clean... I was just helping a friend who relapsed, telling her she's still loved, but its not worth it to hurt yourself...its not worth it to have the scars...its just a reminder of the pain and things get better... But...today, I did it myself. 

Everything ive told people, everything I preach to people, everything I say to help people....I couldnt listen to myself.  Its been over a year since ive been this dark. Nothing is going right, I feel so unwanted. Like such a burden. Such a problem. Such an annoyance...

I don't want to feel this way anymore. Everything hurts. When your reminded how much of a problem you can be, especially causing issues in someone else's home, that you love so dearly. You remove yourself from the situation. I removed myself from the situation... All I want to do is remove myself from every situation...

Im not worth the trouble, Im not worth the hurt...Im just not worth it. I need to be set free. I need to be alone. I need to not be in so much pain. All I do is hurt.  I don't know what else to do..I lose everything no matter. I lose my entire everything or I lose myself. Either way, I lose...

Everybody says not to put all the blame on myself, but alot of peoples issues, including my own biological parents, was me. I was always what they fought over. I was always the problem. The issue.  And its very triggering continuing to be the same problem and issue... I don't know how to process my emotions other than to say goodbye, cut everyone out, or just leave myself. 

I WANT TO BE NORMAL. I want to be okay. I want to be loved. I deserve it... But im done being the problem. I can't be the problem anymore.. 

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

Don't allow others to consume you. If they don't call, go to sleep. If they don't message you, put away your phone & have a good day. If they are distant and refuse to tell you what's wrong, go home and do something fun. You live for yourself first. They are secondary.

Unknown 

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

Bpd episodes that don’t have a name and people don’t talk about and the best way I can describe them

1. Channel flipping - when I’m cycling through emotions so fast I can’t stay on one for more than five minutes. Usually lasts a couple hours to a day and I can literally feel each emotion to it’s full extent and then move on to the next one in 5 minutes or less. Sobbing to screaming in anger to laughing to crying of happiness to guilt to love etc etc etc

2. Turmoil episode - when it feels like bad weather is brewing in your chest. It’s raining and hailing and the wind is whistling I could throw up I could scream I want to run and run and run. I don’t feel good but I have the energy of a manic episode. My words don’t come out right and I stutter a lot. These episodes last 3-7 days

3. The heaviness - episodes where I feel like my density has increased ten fold, and my strength has completely left me. I crumble if I stand for too long, like literally fall to the ground in a heap uncontrollably. Everything is so heavy and I have no thoughts, sometimes I cry. It’s not depression, depression feels different. Lasts 1-3 days.

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

May 25-----4:12am

Here we are again..Overthinking, Worrying, Screaming in my head, Fighting with myself. I don't understand how my brain works anymore....well, have I ever really?

Today happened, it was amazing, I haven't felt so whole in quite a while. My “mommy issues” have been taking such a toll on me with my bio mom being a complete c*nt...So right now “Sarah”, my mom, is my only saviour. 

My fiancé can't help me, she just can't. as much as it hurts her, she just can't help me right now. I don't have relationship trauma, I don't have issues in that category. And so much I wish I did because she could help, she could be the reason right now I feel good. But she isn't and I know its breaking her heart that she physically can't help me. Only my mom can. Which puts an enormous amount of pressure on her Aswell and I try to not let it, or not let her know so that she doesn't run. 

I was degraded, manipulated, beat, assaulted and so much more by my bio mom, “Helen” and with that, stemmed my bpd, and so much ptsd, its hard to fathom. All I look for is my moms reassurance, my moms love, because at this point, its all I need. I need her to help me be whole again. Ive had too much time to think, to anywise, to learn more about bpd and I gave it to much time to over run me, take over my body, my mind, my soul.  Back to the point of this blog entry.....

After I left my mom at lunch, I was on top of the moon, for the first time in so long, I felt good. I felt normal, I felt whole... When I went back to get my partner at the end of the shift, (they work in the same spot) We stood around at the car, talked for a bit and let the dog go crazy as she does when she sees her “nana”, so that was all fun. Im assuming deep down I had these subconscious hopes too high that she would do it again.  and she didn't. We hugged as we do, said goodbye and drove off. 

The drive to the store, all I could think about was if I did something wrong. Did I do or say something, did I react a certain way I shouldn't have? My fiancé went into the store to get us slushies, and I broke. I haven't felt a cry that hard in a while. It was so overwhelming and I knew I had to stop before “kelly” got back to the car. I pulled myself together, right as she exited the store. She got into the car and we drove home. She went to clean up a bit and I went to the bedroom with the dog. I knew she would be done in about 15 minutes. 

I broke down again. Even harder this time. I screamed, I punched the dresser, I cried till I couldn't breathe.  Why? Why can't I be normal? Why do regular normal things that don't bother people completely shatter my entire everything? then the intrusive thoughts started. 

Did she do it by accident and regret it?  Did she think it was one of her bio kids? Did she do it but then felt bad about it? I cried. I screamed. I hurt...all because she didn't kiss me goodbye on my head before she left....

thats not normal. 

I hate that my entire existence relies on how people react towards me. I hate that im so needy. I hate that I can't just be normal. I hate myself. I hate bpd. 

I just want to be normal. I just want to be able to breathe without worrying if people are looking, if they are judging. I want to be able to have a healthy, happy, new relationship with my mom. But, I have so much trauma and hurt from the bio, that I don't know how long its going to take to be okay..I want to not feel so crushed when she doesn't do little stupid things that don't matter to everyone else...but they matter so much to me. 

How can I explain this to her so that I don't sound insane? So that she doesn't run because this is ridiculous?

I just want her love. I want her to be proud of me.  I want her to love me for the broken, fucked up person I am. Stick around till get better.  Be there for the really good days and the really really bad ones. I want her to not find me overwhelming or too much...and I feel like its going to be to late for that...

I just want to be loved...not told I was a waste of 20 years of someones life. Not told im a disappointment. Not be told im not worthy of love. l want to make her proud to be my mother. I want her to be like “thats my girl”... Not “what did I get myself into? This is too much..”

At this moment...She is the only one who can help me back up to fix myself... Thats alot of pressure, and she didn't sign up for it... Catch you on the flip side ~B

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

May 24/22

Well..today started as just about any other..

Woke up,  very tired, lifeless almost...last night was ALOT to process. allot of emotions, a lot of thinking. Just a lot in general.  I spent about 45 minutes writing my mom a text around 4 am. I had so many thoughts and emotions that I needed to express, I needed to get out. I needed to thank her for everything she's done, everything she continues to do, and just thankful she's showing me all the love and more i’ve been withheld my entire upbringing.  I told her id go see her on her lunch break at work. 

Went to Tim Hortons as usual, Lg Orange Pekoe, 3 cream 1 sugar. every time, unless its hot out. She then as I pulled up to the window told me I needed to get cookies, so I did because she just made it lol I pulled up to the building, get the tea, cookie, donuts and my dog and we meet her at the car and walk over to the rocks where we sit for lunch.  The dog ate the donut, drank 1/4 of my moms tea and then ran around like crazy as usual. We called my sister, bonus dad was still up so we all just chatted. It started getting windy and chilly because it was getting dark, I felt my anxieties rising as they do when its times almost over, so I slid over and wrapped my arms around hers and laid my head on her shoulder. She laid her head on mine and I could feel my breathing slow down, my anxieties start to fade and I was okay again.  It was time to go inside, The dog and I walked her over to her car/the door as usual, and said goodbye to my sister, I wrangled in the dog and we hugged as we do before we say goodbye. Before she let go, she kissed me on the side of my head, twice.. I said “I love you” she responded “love you too” and walked inside. I got in the car and started driving home. It took me a few moments to catch on what just happened. But when I did, it was such an overwhelming feeling of serotonin (Serotonin is associated with feelings of happiness, focus and calm) and as someone with bpd, our emotions are very high and overwhelming already. but this...this was so extreme, I started crying.  I couldn't stop. They were happy tears, but tears none the less. I have tried to drop hints and feelings and explain the things I need from her that I had lacking growing up, that I needed growing up and she acknowledged them, but maybe just forgot I said them. She's kissed me not he forehead and cheek before for pictures, but that was prompted and not as meaningful in the moment. But today, she did it on her own. no prompt, no mention, no one telling her. SHE did it.  I had more than lacking of love In my childhood, I would ask for a hug and be denied, I would ask and plead for just a little bit of affection, but it was always no, usually followed by screaming or physical abuse. I was never able to associate love with serotonin, it was always fear, pain, hurt. The only time I would get physical affection from Helen, would be if there was an audience watching, people that would see, and it would make me look like the bad guy when id refuse because I didn't want fake love.  But Sarah, makes me associate parental love with happiness, serotonin, being safe, calm, no pain, no hurt, no sad or scared tears. Its all what love should feel like. To some, a kiss on your head from your mom might not be a big deal, kids get kissed by their parents all the time, teenagers and adults get kissed by their parents all the time. But having love heldback from you growing up, your entire childhood, teenage years and into adulthood, can really take a toll on someone. But im learning now, its not all pain, its not all hurt. 

Dare yourself to love. She dared me to love, I dared myself to love, and I wouldn't take a single minute of it back. Allowing yourself to do these things, to be free from the hurt, is so freeing. I hope that day, I can fully be free from the hurt, and slowly everyday, my fiancé, my sister, my “meemaw” and most importantly, my mom, is helping me get to where I need to be. Catch you on the flip side ~B

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

May 23/22

TW>Suicide

Today has been more than a struggle. I haven’t been able to think straight from the moment I woke up. Woke up with the hope, the expectation of going to my moms. That didn't happen. She got busy, im too chicken, well not chicken but to afraid to ask her anything and get told no, because all one heard my entire life was no. So the fear that continues to stay is “no”. 

So we didn't go. When my fiancé said she was busy and wouldn't message and ask if we could still come over. I shut down. and more than just shut down. I had a manic episode. 

The day was full of tears and wanting to end everything. Over not going to my moms? yes and no. My emotions are so very intense that I can't process them regularly anymore, they are all so overwhelming. 

My immediate thoughts went to she hates me, doesn't want me around, regrets agreeing to become my mom. This is obviously not the case. I make her cry seems almost daily because my words are very harsh and one person can only hear someone they love wants to kill themselves so many times before it becomes too much. 

I left my home. Drove. No destination. No place to go. I told my fiancé I would be back. I text my mom goodbye and just left. I ended up at the beach. The water was always a calm place for me. My uncle had jumped over a waterfall almost a year ago and killed himself, so the water hasn't quite been the same. I sat at the water, wondering if I could go like that too. Seeing my uncle and 2 grandfathers again, giving up on the pain, not hurting anymore. 

I couldn't get myself to commit though. As much as I thought and wanted to just quit, I thought about my fiancé, our animals, our future. I thought about my mom and how ive barely had anytime with her. Ive wasted 20 years without her, why would I want to lose out on anymore...it just doesn't make sense.. 

Now thankfully my fiancé is not my problem with bpd anymore, it has all become my mom. She's my fp, im jealous that her kids get to be with her all the time, see her all the time, and it hurts more than words can express that im not. 

Im not there all the time, as much as I wish I was. She's my safe place, my happy place. Home is created within people, not a standstill place. My fiancé is my home. My mom is my home. but how can I fix my feelings from relying on her so much. I don't want to rely on her for everything...

I don't think my feelings will change until I have my own children. Right now, I have all the time to wait for a text, or a call, or to be invited.  How many times can one ask to come over before its too much?  I would be out there every weekend if it was my choice.  I feel so intensly happy and as if nothing can hurt me when im out there.  I feel safe and secure, Her hugs are within arms reach when I need them.  Well...maybe one day ill be able to ask the questions when I need to. Maybe one day ill be able to accept her love fully and not hurt her anymore. I hope that I can figure it out all soon.  Catch you on the flip side ~B

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

Chelsea Hodson // Saeed Jones

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

btw there should be Drink Stores and they should be open 24/7 and they should have Every Drink. coffee tea boba lemonade etc. and they should be on every street every 300 meters. bc girls need drinks

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

it’s sad how with bpd even when i’m feeling good i can’t enjoy it in the moment because i know it won’t last for much longer..

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

Getting flash images of yourself self harming is so fkn hard to deal with :/

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

You loved me yesterday. And you don't today. I can feel it. Your words changed. Your tone changed. You said that's not true. I don't believe you. My brain tells me it's true. And now you're mad at me and don't want to talk to me the rest of the night. My brain was right like always.

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

I hate myself, I hate the way I think, I hate the way I act, there is no good in me, no one can love me properly because I am not loveable. I make mistake after mistake, everyone’s getting sick of me. I want to die so bad. I just want to disappear.

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

I wish I didn’t feel rage when you don’t respond as fast as I want. I wish I wouldn’t feel abandoned by an exhange of text bubbles. I wish I didn’t obsess over what you do while you’re not answering. I wish I was fucking normal. My brain is killing me.

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

You know what sucks? Not only do I constantly want to see you and hug you and talk to you, I constantly want to talk about you to whoever will listen. I want to talk about how I miss you and want to see you. I want to ask people how you’re doing and what you’re up to. It sucks and I hate it.