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[justlistenbeforeigo]

[justlistenbeforeigo]

[justlistenbeforeigo]

[justlistenbeforeigo]

A letter to my rapist. *Trigger Warning*

It has been almost six years and it's only now that I have opened up to my family about what you did to me. You stole my teenage years away from me - five long years, you abused, manipulated, used me. Violated me. You raped me. My very own Stockholm Syndrome. Because I still love a part of you and still wish you well when I should hate everything you are. I accepted your actions and their consequences because you where sick. I wanted, so desperately, to fix you, instead you helped break me too. I stopped crying, you have numbed me to all feeling. I stopped caring about myself. But I couldnt leave, I loved you, didnt I? Or was it the suicide threats that stopped me from leaving. You made me fear sex and men. You put me in a cycle of cheaters and toxic decisions. I tried to validate myself through sex and all that was returned was that same dirty feeling and a broken heart. Detaching myself from the rest of my sexual encounters. A way of dereilizing my surroundings and depersonalising myself until it was over. Searching so desperately for the love and trust in intimacy, like what I read in books. The reality, is you took that away from me. You stoke my choice and reasoning. Made me believe that's how you keep someone in your life, because you knew how much I feared being alone. The first time, I was fourteen, you being sixteen. Statchatory. You and your friends pressured me into sleeping with you. So I did. I didn't feel loved, cute or sexy. It barley lasted a minute, outside against a tree and then you left. That was sex? It was the third time, that was the first time you raped me. Before I really even understood what that word meant. Rape was back ally strangers, right? It hurt, we where alone, it was rushed and uncomfortable. I told you to wait and the first time you did and then, I guess you got impatient. Because after that, my tears, no's and stop's went unheard. I remember the panic and the pain. Then you flipped me on my stomach, it hurt alot more that way. I cried and yelled and tried to push you away, you covered my mouth with your hand and pinned my arms and legs with your body. Once you where satisfied, you got up and I noticed the blood on the inside of my thighs and on the bed. You cursed me, said it was normal to bleed so much. It wasnt. I got dressed and cleaned up, alone and shaken. But you said you loved me. And I normalised rape as sex.

[justlistenbeforeigo]