juststuffshere

[juststuffshere]

And sure, I look grown But in my head I'm still a 12 year old girl Sitting in the floor of my 6th grade reading teacher's classroom In a bean bag chair with a chromebook on my knees, two earbuds and wondering When will it be over When do I get to go home When do I get to breathe again I dyed my hair bright red like she always wanted. I don't have an answer for her, but I hope she knows I'm proud of her. I hope she's proud of me, too.

[juststuffshere]

high quality piers png I made in pixlr!!! composite of artworks + editing to the lighting. some of the edges are a bit rough but I did my best!!! posted it here in case you, like me, needed a png of piers nivans but couldn't find one of suitable quality online.

[juststuffshere]

what do you mean it never occurred to you that I was also a victim of circumstance. I am so glad I am good at pretending. I'm ashamed you finally realized I was pretending. please forget you know I am only pretending. I am fine. it's okay that you aren't as self aware as you want to be. you are more caring than you think you are. you cannot shoulder other people's burdens for them. it's okay. you are not self-centered for thinking you have felt something no one else has felt before. no one else has felt the things you feel in the way you feel them. I don't want you to be there for me the way I am for you. it's my job to look after you. it's my job. please don't be so hard on yourself. please don't be so hard on yourself over me. that's my job. you are doing just fine. it is enough for me that you are here. I love you. I love you. I love you. you are doing just fine.

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the fun thing about being depressed for a long time is that you forget you're depressed and instead feel like, a shithead

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meme I made for the group chat

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eternal shoutout to TAs who let things slide. and of course to professors and other educators who let things slide but I've personally only experienced this with TAs. like my gen chem 2 lab TA who knew I was lying to her when I said that I had made up a lab I missed with another TA, who gave me full credit for 3 out of 4 parts of the lab even though she was supposed to give me no credit at all, because she knew I had been in a car wreck the day before I missed the lab, and she knew I had just walked 20 minutes through a thunderstorm to get to the lab we were both standing in. or the TA who watched every single one of us pull out our calculators or even bold facedly leave our laptops open during our calc 1 exams, because even though the professor didn't allow it, this was his recitation class and he didn't mind. or the TA for my organic chemistry lab who signed me off as "completed" even on experiments I couldn't finish because he saw how much I was struggling with the old equipment. or the TA in my genetics class who subtly gave me the answer to an exam question that was confusingly worded because he could see I was on the verge of tears. who didn't mark my assignment as late. who didn't say a word to the guy next to me with a formula sheet out. who hurriedly told a girl who was late to an exam to sit down and get started even though the professor had said late students wouldn't be allowed to take the exam. who understand that this college shit is hard and don't make it harder. you are the backbone of our education system, and the reason many students are able to keep going. thank you.

[juststuffshere]

I have a love-hate relationship with those posts that are like "if you want your friend group to do this thing, be the one to organize that thing!" "you have to be the one to text first" "if you want genuine friendships, the fact is that you have to put in the work." I get it, yeah, and I agree, connections come easier when you're reaching out. but I have spent my entire life in draining, one-sided, often toxic relationships, desperately putting every last ounce of my energy into maintaining and improving relationships that I never get anything close to the same amount of effort out of. it is fucking exhausting. boyfriends, best friends, family members, I have had to fight, tooth and nail, to have a fulfilling relationship with. and the vast majority of those relationships don't exist anymore, because the second my effort level dropped, the relationship evaporated, because the other person wouldn't pick up the slack and we just weren't able to recover, no matter what I did. I am tired. so, so tired, and so, so lonely, but I just can't make myself do it anymore. I can't make myself text another group chat and get ignored day after day. if I get another "sorry for the late reply, I'm not available at that time but can we reschedule :)" text two days after I send an invite, I'm going to implode. I've had enough of clinging to people that can't even reach for me. I've had enough of vain attempts at arranging get togethers. I've had enough of being the organizer, the first texter, the planner, the rock. I can't even stand making small talk in my classes anymore, because the second I stop, the whole table goes silent. I've never had a friend that wasn't either using me, or someone I felt responsible for. I've never had a friend I could depend on, because the ones I could bring my problems to either brushed them off or used them to manipulate me, and the others I needed to be there for, so I couldn't make them feel like I wasn't capable of doing so. I've never had a friend willing to put the same amount of effort into our relationship, even for a little while, as I was routinely putting in just to keep it alive. I know there are people out there who would. I know there are people out there who could be everything I've ever wanted in a friend, a partner, whatever. I'm just tired. I can't do it anymore. I can't continue to be the one to do the work. I think about those goddamn posts every time I wish my lab mates were more talkative, my project group would actually meet in person, my coworker would text or even ask for my instagram. I know I don't have friends because I don't try to make friends. but I'm sick of it. and I say that and I still try. but every time I realize I'm the only one really conversing, and the three people at my lab table are just giving me "uh huh's" and "that's crazy's," it feels like getting punched in the gut. every time I send a message to my shitty roommates and it goes unanswered for days I feel like I'm losing my mind. I am burning myself up just trying to find someone to get lunch with me. I don't understand how other people do it. the mental illness probably isn't helping. but I no longer put any more effort into my friendships than I'm getting back, and it's depressing as hell that I can already see them fading. I stop trying to reach out to new friends when they aren't doing the same for me. I cried three times writing this stupid post, and all I can think about is how this might make me toxic, or lazy, or in some other way the problem. maybe it does. I don't know. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I can't do it anymore. maybe I'm being unrealistic. maybe I'm doing something wrong. I don't know. but just once, I want someone to put in the effort for me.

[juststuffshere]

this came to me in a dream

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another gc joke that I'm allowing to breach containment <3

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me and the room temperature sprite I get from the dining hall

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has this been done yet

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ethan post

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I can't explain this in a sane manner so I won't <3

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when you're double majoring in psychology and chemistry

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this has been on my mind for a while

[juststuffshere]

PSA: if you give someone who had nothing anything, they will defend it with their lives! if you give them something real, they will break the universe to keep it safe! but if! you take it away from them! and they go! and find something else! something better! then don't even think about trying to separate them from it! because you will not succeed! and you will be shown! no mercy!

[juststuffshere]

I have a probably unnecessary amount of affection for uploads of songs with hundreds of thousands or even millions of views, that are 10-15 years old and uploaded by Just Some Guy. because some random person somewhere in the world loved that song so much that, in the early days of the internet where putting things onto the World Wide Web wasn't everyone's first instinct, took the time to upload that song onto this video sharing site called youtube, because it meant so much to them that they wanted to share it with everyone. this was before every band was commercially releasing their music for free online, of course. so these are people who bought those songs and loved them so much they thought everyone else should get to share in their joy. and then, years and years later, more people than they could properly imagine in one place at the same time heard that song through their little act of love. something something humanity and yes this is about musicmadmatt's uploads of folie a deux which are lower quality than the official audios but still my go-to's because that's where I found them in middle school and that's how they came to mean so much to me. because they meant so much to a random stranger. something something humanity