#is this a vent or a rant or whatever

[juststuffshere]

I have a love-hate relationship with those posts that are like "if you want your friend group to do this thing, be the one to organize that thing!" "you have to be the one to text first" "if you want genuine friendships, the fact is that you have to put in the work." I get it, yeah, and I agree, connections come easier when you're reaching out. but I have spent my entire life in draining, one-sided, often toxic relationships, desperately putting every last ounce of my energy into maintaining and improving relationships that I never get anything close to the same amount of effort out of. it is fucking exhausting. boyfriends, best friends, family members, I have had to fight, tooth and nail, to have a fulfilling relationship with. and the vast majority of those relationships don't exist anymore, because the second my effort level dropped, the relationship evaporated, because the other person wouldn't pick up the slack and we just weren't able to recover, no matter what I did. I am tired. so, so tired, and so, so lonely, but I just can't make myself do it anymore. I can't make myself text another group chat and get ignored day after day. if I get another "sorry for the late reply, I'm not available at that time but can we reschedule :)" text two days after I send an invite, I'm going to implode. I've had enough of clinging to people that can't even reach for me. I've had enough of vain attempts at arranging get togethers. I've had enough of being the organizer, the first texter, the planner, the rock. I can't even stand making small talk in my classes anymore, because the second I stop, the whole table goes silent. I've never had a friend that wasn't either using me, or someone I felt responsible for. I've never had a friend I could depend on, because the ones I could bring my problems to either brushed them off or used them to manipulate me, and the others I needed to be there for, so I couldn't make them feel like I wasn't capable of doing so. I've never had a friend willing to put the same amount of effort into our relationship, even for a little while, as I was routinely putting in just to keep it alive. I know there are people out there who would. I know there are people out there who could be everything I've ever wanted in a friend, a partner, whatever. I'm just tired. I can't do it anymore. I can't continue to be the one to do the work. I think about those goddamn posts every time I wish my lab mates were more talkative, my project group would actually meet in person, my coworker would text or even ask for my instagram. I know I don't have friends because I don't try to make friends. but I'm sick of it. and I say that and I still try. but every time I realize I'm the only one really conversing, and the three people at my lab table are just giving me "uh huh's" and "that's crazy's," it feels like getting punched in the gut. every time I send a message to my shitty roommates and it goes unanswered for days I feel like I'm losing my mind. I am burning myself up just trying to find someone to get lunch with me. I don't understand how other people do it. the mental illness probably isn't helping. but I no longer put any more effort into my friendships than I'm getting back, and it's depressing as hell that I can already see them fading. I stop trying to reach out to new friends when they aren't doing the same for me. I cried three times writing this stupid post, and all I can think about is how this might make me toxic, or lazy, or in some other way the problem. maybe it does. I don't know. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I can't do it anymore. maybe I'm being unrealistic. maybe I'm doing something wrong. I don't know. but just once, I want someone to put in the effort for me.

[stressedjester]

"How come disabled people are always complaining about their disabilities even if their blog isn't about being disabled" I dunno it's almost like. It's something that effects us every day and some of us just need to vent to feel better about the mass amounts of pain we're in because not everyone can just grin and bear it

[queenlucythevaliant]

Just to clarify my thoughts (since I've had a number of people ask me about it) re: Job and cursing God. There's a big difference between cursing God as used in Scripture and how we generally would think of cursing at God today.

Cursing someone, in the Bible, has a lot of depth to it. It's not just saying "screw you " in anger, it's got a sense of forsakenness to it. It's the opposite of a blessing, a removal of blessing. If the blessing is presence, your face shining on the person you're blessing, then a curse is absence. In some translations, Job's wife tells him to "renounce God and die," which I honestly think makes a lot more sense to modern ears.

Job says a lot of unpleasant things to and about God in his anger and grief. So do the Psalmists. A number of the Prophets. So can we. God can take it if we come to him with honest expressions of our emotion, including those not-so-nice ones directed at him. I don't think there's anything wrong with getting mad at God and saying, "How dare you, you bastard" when you suffer unjustly. You can say much worse, I think, without sinning, though I don't feel particularly inclined to give examples. But as long as it's an honest expression of your heart, I think you're doing exactly what prayer is for. You're presenting him your heart with an open hand. He can use that. Opposite of love is not hate but indifference, etc.

Job doesn't renounce God. Neither should we. But I think when you're truly suffering, you're gonna have those feelings toward God either way. He'd rather you address them with him directly than try to avoid them. Cursing at God in the modern sense is actually a great way to keep the relationship strong and not end up cursing/renouncing him in the Biblical sense.

[gummy-axolotl]

"You can't ship that!! They barely interact!!

"You can't ship that!! It isn't canon!!"

"You can't ship that!! Those characters are straight!!"

I will explode you to death with laser beams

[exmotranny]

the green carpet scratches at your pink heels. bile rises in your throat.

they talk about womanhood- but it’s not quite right. there is the pink and compliments and talk of boys

i am a beloved daughter

but there is also something else. it digs at your flesh, it feasts on your skin. your mother motions at your chest, bigger than hers and you're not even done growing yet! how lucky.

of heavenly parents

you pray to a man every night, finish it in another’s name. on your knees. you were sent a shady link as a kid. the woman on her knees, tears streaming out of her eyes, i don't want this, she said

with a divine nature and eternal destiny

blood on the inside of your underwear. you were told this meant you were a woman now. you were ten years old. what the fuck did you know about being a woman? your mom said you weren’t allowed to touch between your legs, but it's normal to want to. you didn't know what that meant, either.

as a disciple of jesus christ,

you wanted to be desired. you daydreamed of being the trophy for boys around you, of claiming that role one day as a wife. you came from a long line of women married young. you don’t know their names, but you were taught about their husbands in church.

i strive to become like him.

pressing your breasts down as much as possible, trying to give the illusion of a flat chest. badly cropped jpgs of jesus photoshopped to have top surgery scars are the secret currency you pay to get past the hours of church. you hold them like diamonds.

i seek and act upon personal revelation

you thought god was talking to you. you almost threw away everything you owned. you thought you were a prophet. total fuckin’ ego death! holy shit! god speaks through me!

and minister to others in his holy name

and then the next morning. when your faith crashed, when moroni abandoned you, did it feel unreal to you too, joseph?

i will stand as a witness of god

oh god, no. please. i don’t know what’s real anymore.

at all times

leg hair peeking from under your pretty sunday dress. they all stare. you ignore them and open up to D&C 132.

and in all things

emma, did you love him to the end? i don’t think you wanted him. did you watch as he married a 14 year old? did you tell him you burned the commandment? did you cry when he died for the church that he loved more than he loved you?

and in all places.

blood on the floor of carthage jail. this martyr will be remembered forever. do they talk about you, emma? or are you just joseph’s wife?

as i strive to qualify for exaltation,

when i marry, my husband will be a god, and i shall cleave onto him. when i marry, i will go to his universe and bear more of his children.

i cherish the gift of repentance

heads bowed low as the sacrament is passed. my hands clutch onto the bottom of my skirt. pleasure outside celestial marriage is forbidden. i apologize for loving the wrong way.

and seek to improve each day

i tried to kill myself, last time i got home from girl’s camp. i got home and cried and found the pills and shoved them into my mouth until i cried more and more until i was gagging. i hunched over the toilet. my hands on the grimy floor.

with faith, i will

forced to sing in front of the congregation. my head spun from anxiety. my stomach turned with nausea.

strengthen my home and family,

loving wife beautiful kids loyal husband church once a week work weekdays weekend mom monthly round on the business end of his cock forever and the vomit threatens to make an appearance.

make and keep sacred covenants,

an old man is in a room alone with me. he asks me if i masturbate.

and receive the ordinances and blessings

i tell the man no. i receive a card so i can be ordained.

of the holy temple.

that's just how it goes, isn't it?

all around are paintings of god and jesus. we learned about heavenly mother. why don’t i see her in paintings? did god have plural marriages? did heavenly mother make us? why don’t we pray to her? did she watch god marry a 14 year old? did she cover her eyes? when she saw blood on her underwear, was she told she was a woman? did she touch between her legs? did she ever believe herself better than god? does she cry when she cant talk to us? why do i cry? was heavenly mother scared of singing in public and did she press her chest flat and did she cry when god forced himself into her mouth? did she burn his doctrine too?

i am given flowers on mother’s day. i will be one eventually, after all. and i vomit in the church bathroom quietly like the perfect woman i am supposed to be.

[rollercoasterwords]

like. ok i am going to spell it out

the reason having conversations about representation can be productive in the realm of like. tv or movies or published fiction is that

a) those forms of media are outside the realm of your control. like. most individuals do not get much of a say in the creation of film and most individuals never publish books, etc. BUT

b) those forms of media are largely driven by audience consumption. they exist in a profit economy and rely on reaching an audience to survive. so it does matter what the audience thinks, because a bigger, happier audience = more money

ergo, yelling about liking or disliking something is essentially one of the only ways you can make a difference in those forms of media. it can be productive to push for lesbian rep in tv shows, for example, because if consumers are putting their money where their mouth is then it incentivizes the people who do control what gets made to make things that consumers will want to buy.

but none of that applies to fanfiction.

do you see where i'm going with this? generally speaking, fanfiction is something made as a hobby by individuals who are writing stories that they want to see. because there is no profit, it doesn't really matter what an audience wants; at the end of the day, people generally aren't going to be motivated to write stories for free in their spare time if the story isn't something they themselves want to write. if someone is choosing to write stories about men over writing stories about women, that is not automatically or inherently misogynistic.

additionally--this is a space where you can control the media you consume! if there's a story you want to read, you can just write it. like. it's fanfiction. you can literally just write anything you want to see.

"oh but i'm not a good writer" "oh but that takes so long" "oh but that's so hard" "oh but i don't want to write it, i just want to read it"

okay? go search for the stories you want then. there are tons of people writing wlw fic in this fandom; you can find them if you try.

"yeah but the wlw fics aren't as good--" fuck off

"yeah but there aren't as many--" THEN WRITE SOME. or find a fic writer who writes wlw fic and shower them with praise if you really want to encourage them to keep writing. aside from writing it yourself, supporting wlw fic writers is the most productive thing you can do if you genuinely feel that this is a serious issue.

but when you complain that there's "not enough" wlw fic, you are approaching fanfiction in the same way you would approach media created within a profit economy. you are acting as if fic writers are obligated to provide you, the consumer, with certain types of "content," which deteriorates the boundaries that keep fanfiction outside the consumer economy and protect it as one of few community spaces left that has not been entirely swallowed by the chokehold of capitalism. is there a conversation to be had about how misogyny might play into the popularity of mlm vs. wlw fic? sure! but that is a nuanced conversation that cannot be boiled down to a one-sentence tweet or a single comment on tiktok, and trying to simplify it down to a punchline does more harm than good.

[lavendersartistry]

just a quick reminder:

being aroace doesn't mean you can't have relationships.

making a character (oc or existing media character) aroace doesn't mean you can ship them with anyone.

AROACE IS A SPECTRUM.

It is becoming a BIG pet peeve and stereotype to many aroaces (character or irl) when you dumb down the meaning of being aroace.

Being aroace means you have low to none sexual/romantic attraction to someone.

There are MANY identities within the aroace spectrum. Take a minute to read:

Stop stereotyping us. We want to have relationships just like everyone else.

[chibishortdeath]

I was at one point gonna make an actually colored nice finished drawing for this, but I’m not feeling it and the trend will probably be completely dead by the time that I do if it isn’t already ugh. So you get doodle Miku now :3!

Anyway uh weird middle of absolutely nowhere in the rural US Midwest Miku. I’ll mini rant about it a little bit under the cut 👍

I literally had to look up my own culture for this cause I couldn’t think of anything 💀💀💀💀💀. Especially not anything that actually applies to me, if that makes sense. Minus the fishing pole, this is the closest to my current experience I could get. Her expression is very reminiscent of the experience of being out here tbh.

Apparently ranch dressing is a thing???? I didn’t know cause I really don’t like ranch. Same with casseroles. Fishing is a local hobby, but I don’t have a fishing license and don’t like being around water. So is fixing old cars, but I’m not strong enough to do any of that. There isn’t a consistent accent or slang here, it’s just a bunch of stuff from everywhere else. Not really distinct clothing. A couple bands are from nearby states, but they’re not associated with them much. Uh some sports teams I guess. I don’t watch sports. Everywhere for miles looks the same cause it’s all corn and closest place to do anything is in a big faraway city and involves spending money you probably don’t have and shouldn’t.

There’s not a whole lot tbh.

Idk, this whole experience was basically “wow Miku around the world? So cool! I wanna draw Miku :D!!!! Oh hey wait, where I live is very bleak and bland actually—“ 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

[idk-why-am-i-her3]

I don't know, I always feel the need to talk about Checo here. I don't think it was a bad performance by Checo, the car on the first day had a setup that was not favorable, so RBR decided to change the set up drastically, they were thinking about trying it in the 3rd practice, but it wasn't there, so they left it for Qualy without knowing what would come out, that's why their result was surprising (both), so yeah, that's the reason that despite what uninformed people say, so-... already in the race because he had problems with the car and the RB20 destroyed tires, so they had to send him to the track with hard tires almost halfway through the race. I don't know why to explain this, but I feel like people don't even understand how Checo's doing in the race, They're just going to complain because they hate it and that's all. IMO, even this race made me think about whether the RB20 is the third or fourth car on the grid. Idk, I just think and consider that really even Max is tired, I don't understand why hate Checo, only bc he exists, so yeah, whatever the haters want to say. Apart from the fact that many haters say that "well, the RB20 is fucked, but it's Checo problem" and be like... Ehm, ok, I don't understand your thought came to that. In any case, if they lose the championship, it is for various reasons, but haters always say it's Checo. So yeah, whatever, you're not even going to listen to me ... Whatever. As a last point, Max talked about that, defending Checo and people consider that they are lying or pure pr, so yeah, they are not going to listen to me or anyone.

[harveyverse]

being a theater kid where i live is so painful because there are literally no opportunities for me to be part of theatre. not in the city i live in and nowhere remotely nearby either. they had a theatre club at my school but the principal was like “nah” so that was nonexistent last/this year, and next year i’ll be too old to participate in it. i am so angry right now oh my god

[bipolarmoss]

post mania clarity is finding yourself drowning in embarrassment for all the things you did

[roblogging]

tiktok users ‼️‼️ how do you,,, censor words in your comments properly ??? because i've censored my deadname and it still comes through ??? like maybe if it's in a full comment it doesn't work as well??? idk!!

i need Help. i just had to go through all my posts deleting comments from this one account because blocking them actually leaves their comments up apparently, i just won't be able to see it and SIGH. how to censor.

[qcomicsy]

Lately I've only been wishing to grab a comic about my favorite character and just have a genuinely good time reading it.

[spookythesillyfella]

tony prepared the cereal !! sketch added the toppings !! and colin is a coward who won't eat what his partner and his sibling prepared for him !!

★ [ audio from "The Endorsed Frosted Crispy Sweets Prized Pals Commercial" – @/partycoffin on tumblr]

[cathalbravecog]

veep dad comfort art

[mybedroomceilingsbored]

so i printed out an arrangement of devil town and was fiddling around with it on the piano (trying to add some ornamentation and arrangement myself, i have almost no experience but i was interested in trying). my mom told me to stop because it's, according to her, a terrible arrangement of already terrible music, "do i really listen to that stuff?"

ik i'm overreacting, but. i can't rlly say that it doesn't hurt a little bit to be told by my (classically trained musician) mother that the music that's basically carrying me through the toughest years of my life is objectively trash.

sorry, just wanted to get that off my chest