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The Two-faced Secretary.

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random thought about how I see nikolai :

alright so what im bout to say might be controversial, but despite how much i like Nikolai and even consider him a comfort character of mine (i have an intense emotional attachment to him it's crazy), i don't think he would actually comfort you unless you were extremely important to him. i think you’d need to gain his trust before everything went wrong for him. as in, i can't see the current Nikolai from the series showing genuine concern for others. i think his life, before he adopted this 'jester persona' that we see right now, had messed him up really badly. whatever happened to him in the past must have been extremely traumatic, making him the way he is today— like imagine; he doesn't even trust his own thoughts (at least that's how i understand his character). if he can't trust himself, how can he trust others? i think he's completely lost his trust in the world, in a way, even

TL;DR what i mean to say is that you’d need to have known Nikolai before he became the silly jester that we see in the current timeline of BSD for him to genuinely care for you as a person

he's such a paradoxical character it's very interesting to write about. i love how he is written and i wish we'll get to learn more about him one day

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── it means everything. (pinocchio x gn! reader)

summary: reader is a writer, feeling sad about the state of krat and their hobby. mulling in their own thoughts, P returns and comforts reader. p is sweet and supportive<3 fluffy moments warnings: very subtly implied passive suicide ideation, mc feeling hopeless and crying a little note: first time writing p x reader. sorry if it isnt the best i genuinely just needed to feed myself bcs there is an urgent lack of p x reader out there. i tried to make this cute-

You stretch your upper torso in your seat, staring at the pile of papers in front of you. You've just finished writing the second chapter of your book, as well as rewriting the prologue—an effort that consumed your entire day. You glanced at the nearby clock, checking the time. You thought about your puppet partner Pinocchio, it's about time he'd return from a day of stalking. It's getting late at night, the usual time he would come back.

In the meantime- you reach for your cup of tea, sipping it carefully before setting it down on the desk as your gaze drifts to the pile of freshly written papers. Sometimes you wonder why you continue writing your book. Krat is falling apart, after all. It's not the city it once was, the city you had known. What's the meaning?

You were lucky to be saved by Geppetto's puppet amidst the chaos and fortunate not to have contracted the petrification disease. Your near-total lack of self-defense skills makes your survival among the frenzied puppets seem like a miracle. You were hiding beneath a carriage in Elysion Boulevard when P found you and brought you to the refuge known as Hotel Krat, the only safe place left in the decaying city.

As you read through your own writing, paragraph by paragraph, you realize something isn't quite right— the prologue chapter. You think the writing isn't as good as how it was written the first time. You remember losing it while running for your life through Krat, barely managing to stay alive. Maybe that was the cost of being saved by P.

You set the papers aside, feeling an invisible weight settle in your chest. Why do you still write? Why are you still here? You've lost everything—friends, family— all to the petrification disease or the frenzied puppets. Maybe surviving is a curse, to grapple with the guilt of being the only one left.

If Pinocchio hadn’t found you that day, maybe it'd be better off that way. You don't know how much longer you can live like this...

Knock knock.

The soft noise snaps you out of your musing. You quickly run to the door, only to realize tears have been rolling down your cheeks. You hadn't noticed them amidst your thoughts and what-ifs. Quickly wiping them away, you compose yourself. You wouldn't want your puppet partner to see you like this. Despite being a puppet, you treat him as a real boy, even though he's still learning about human emotions. He ventures out daily on errands— navigating the dangerous streets of Krat. While he may not comprehend exhaustion nor fully grasp human feelings just yet, you empathize with his efforts. Despite these differences, you find comfort, sincerity and a sense of belonging in his presence.

You swing the door open, meeting Pinocchio's blue eyes with a forced smile. You try to remain casual, despite the turmoil inside you. "P! You've returned. How was today for you?" you ask, not expecting any verbal response. Pinocchio is a puppet of few words, usually replying with a nod, a shake of his head, or one and two words. Today is no exception, either. He nods with a slight smile, a way of telling you that it was fine. His head soon slightly tilts while pointing his index finger at you, that you interpret as- "What about you?"

"My day was okay. I spent it writing some of my book again," you say. To your surprise, P remains still instead of giving you another nod or smile- now looking at you with what appears to be a small frown.

You rose a brow, "What is it, P?" you ask, not quite understanding his intent. His eyes widen momentarily before he fidgets, struggling to express himself. He points at your eyes, pleading for you to understand. You glance at him, puzzled.

"…My eyes?" you murmur.

P nods almost hesitantly.

"Tired?" he finally speaks, his voice gentle.

"Your eyes… tired?"

You blink slowly, not expecting such a question. Your mind races, searching for a response. The way P's blue eyes implore you only increases your nervousness. "Oh! Yes, must be because I haven't been able to sleep much lately… but don’t worry. I plan on sleeping earlier tonight, though, so don’t you worry!" You laugh lightly, trying to sound casual and lighthearted.

P doesn't appear convinced. He stays motionless, his eyes silently urging you to say more. For a moment, you wonder if he can see through your lie—he's a puppet capable of lying himself, after all.

Before you could say something more, P steps forward and enfolds you in his arms. He pulls you into his embrace. Despite his wooden and steel body, his embrace brings you immense comfort. The weight that has burdened you for weeks—no, months—seems to melt away, at least a little bit of it.

You linger in his embrace for a moment longer before P gently withdraws, yet his grip remains on your shoulders. His expression is filled with genuine concern as he gazes at you.

"You hugged me..? Why?" you ask, feeling a bit self-conscious under his intense scrutiny.

P fidgets, clearly searching for the right words to convey his thoughts. He gestures towards the pile of papers on your desk and then back at you, his eyes brimming with curiosity and hopefulness. "Your writing... important," he says slowly, as if trying out the words to see how they fit.

You blink in surprise. "You think my writing is important?"

He nods. "Yes. It… gives meaning."

A lump forms in your throat as you realize he's trying to tell you that your work, your words, still hold value, even in a crumbling city like Krat. How can he tell? Is your distress so obvious that those around you can easily notice? You feel a little embarrassed at this realization, but P's simple affirmation fills you with a warmth you haven't felt in a long time. Your cheeks warm slightly at his words, and you nod, offering him a gentle smile.

"Thank you, P. That means a lot to me," you whisper, your voice cracking slightly.

P smiles, a rare and genuine expression that lights up his usually stoic face. You know he still struggles to emote, so his smile looks a little awkward, but the effort warms your heart. He gestures towards the pile of papers again and then back at himself, silently asking if he could hear your story.

"You want me… to read it to you?" you ask, a bit taken aback.

He nods again, his eyes bright with anticipation.

"Alright," you say, a small smile tugging at the corners of your lips. "Let's sit over there."

You both move to the small couch in your room. You pick up the papers and sit down, P settling in beside you. The close proximity is comforting, and you feel a sense of calmness wash over you in his presence. As you start reading, P listens intently, his eyes constantly switching from your face to the writing in your hand.

You read aloud, the prologue and chapter one unfolding in the quiet room. P's attention never wavers, and his expressions shift subtly with the spoken narrative. It's endearing to see how engrossed he seems to be at your little story, even though it doesn't feel that much interesting to you. Paragraph by paragraph, the story eventually reaches a tender moment between your characters- a kiss shared under the moonlight. P's eyes lit up with a spark of curiosity flickering in them as you read aloud the scene for him. As you’re about to turn the page, he places a hand on the paper, stopping you.

“Is something the matter, P?” you ask, trying to understand his concern. His index finger points at the word 'kiss' on the paper, looking at you with a curious expression.

"You're asking what a kiss is?" you clarify, trying to make sense of his question. P nods, confirming it.

You pause, taken aback by his curiosity. "A kiss is… well, it's a way to show affection. It's something humans do to express their love and care for each other," you explain, feeling a bit flustered. “And there are various kinds of kisses—romantic and platonic, depending on the context. The kiss shared between my characters here is more like a romantic kiss. It’s shared between lovers, while platonic ones are shared with friends and family…” You speak slowly, hoping he’d understand the explanation.

P nods slowly, processing your words. You can hear his gears ticking a little faster than usual, indicating he's processing all this new information. He seems satisfied with your explanation, treating it with the same seriousness he applies to everything he learns.

Taking his nod as encouragement, you continue reading to him, pausing and slowing down whenever you notice P needing further explanation of certain phrases or sentences. Sometimes, he gently stops you from turning the page if you miss a cue.

As time passes, fatigue catches up with you. Your eyelids grow heavy, and before you know it, you find yourself leaning against P's shoulder, your voice trailing off as sleepiness overtakes you. P notices immediately, glancing down to see you asleep. Gently, he sets the pile of papers aside, ensuring not to disturb you. Leaning back, he gazes down at you sleeping soundly against him while sensing an unfamiliar warmth spreading through his chest. His gears and springs tick a little faster, a new sensation that he finds oddly pleasant.

P watches you sleep, observing how relaxed you look. His human hand gently caresses your cheek, moving a stray strand of hair away from your face. The puppet leans closer, hesitating as his gaze drifts to your forehead. The memory of your explanation about kisses comes to mind. After a brief pause, he cups your cheek in his hand and finally presses a little kiss to your forehead.

As he pulls away, he could feel his mechanical heart's beat slowing down. He hadn't realized they had been ticking a little faster up until then. The now familiar warmth settles in his chest again as he takes in the sight of you sleeping peacefully against him, not fully understanding the gesture yet but liking the feeling of giving you a tender kiss like so.

The chestnut-haired puppet then wraps his arms around you in a protective embrace, holding you close to him as you sleep. In this quiet moment, he feels like he had gained a deeper understanding of human emotions and the connections that bind people together.

Though Krat may be falling apart, in this small, intimate space, there is still peace and comfort.

For now, that's enough—for both you and P.

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hi i'm aware of how dead this blog has been, life has been kicking my ass and i've developed a hyper fixation which is lies of p's pinocchio. T T i still love bsd and nikolai with all my heart ( i feel like a cheater ) but i will start writing for lies of p fandom so i think you all dserve to know ( especially when my blog has been very bsd-nikolai centric ) i'll still write for bsd, but i suppose this just means expanding my fandom horizons - hopefully i get to write more often now ! and for more fandoms

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i might be cooking some nikolai x reader that is a little more down bad than usual ;;;

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y'all i want to write but please give me ideas i am dealing with writer's block so hard right now. give me kolya x reader ideas please <33

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I just wanted to thank you for giving warnings about what others see as "small" things 😭 especially religious stuff, I hope others gave too :/

ahh of course! i try to tw/cw my writings, even if it's just a minor mention of said topic. i don't want to accidentally trigger people whatsoever - mostly bcs i do think i can write a variety of (triggering) genres here, so, some people might not always know what to expect from me.

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i think, whenever i write an x reader, the reader is almost always the more 'submissive' one in terms of personality, compared to nikolai (this is mostly because i hc him to be the more dominant tbh lol).

but for my next writing, would you like a change, or keep the reader's personality as it is?

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──★ ˙ ̟ helping nikolai put on his corset (nikolai gogol x gn! reader)

summary: he seems to struggle with tying a ribbon for the corset he's wearing and asks your help for it, he may or may not be actually struggling, though... warnings: mildly suggestive i suppose...? note: pretty short. i've been hit with writer's block due to being very busy irl as well i think, so this is just a sort of warm up >.>

Nikolai's frustrated groan echoed from the other side of the room, clearly exaggerated. He had been at it for a while—what exactly was he doing? Trying to properly wear a corset, the tied-up kind. For reasons known only to him, he decided to don a corset one day, injecting a change into his usual attire.

There was no special occasion; he simply had decided to spice up his usual outfit- which is an idea you're never opposed to. Of course, how could you? The idea of something tight accentuating the jester's toned physique was a sight you wouldn't want to miss.

Amid his effort to tie the corset properly, his exaggerated complaints reached a crescendo. "Ugh! This is so hard, [y/n]!" Nikolai complained, louder and needier than ever. His frustration appeared more like a theatrical performance than a genuine struggle. You suspected he could easily manage tying the corset ribbon, even at the back, thanks to the freedom of movement his ability provided.

So, it's beyond clear that he just wanted to playfully poke fun at you.

"Doveeeee!" he whined again, drawing out the syllable. This time, it finally prompted you to stand up from your seat and enter the bedroom where he was "struggling" with the corset.

"What is it, Kolya?" you asked with a small sigh, yet amused.

"I can't tie it right. Help me," he replied, a mischievous grin on his face whilst tugging at the ribbon as if beckoning you to come closer.

"But you're almost done," you remarked, your eyes drawn to his waist now accentuated by the black and white corset. You find it challenging to avert your gaze, lingering a moment longer than you'd care to confess. The corset accentuates his figure perfectly, with its well-fitted monochrome stripes hugging his torso. Your heart flutters with excitement at the way it snugly embraces him. The temptation to feel it beneath your fingertips almost overpowers you. You resist, reminding yourself, "All ribbons are tied... what else do you need?"

He giggled. "Hehehe! Yes, that's why now I need you to help me with this last bit. I can't tie a pretty ribbon," Nikolai voiced, directing your hands to firmly clasp his waist. An eyebrow arched in curiosity as he led your hands to his sides rather than the untied ribbon. When you attempted to withdraw your hands, Nikolai's grip only strengthened, ensuring not a single finger left his vicinity. You raised your chin to meet Nikolai's heterochromatic eyes, a slightly puzzled expression on your face as you encountered his smug grin.

"This..." you began, cheeks warming up as Nikolai leaned closer to your ear. "This is not where the ribbon is, Kolya," you stated, only eliciting an even more pronounced grin from Nikolai. His gloved hands secured your arms firmly, orchestrating their movements up and down his sides, a gentle caress accompanying each guided motion. Now, the earlier desire to feel his accentuated curves on your fingertips had become a reality. You revel in the growing excitement of this exchange, especially with him orchestrating every motion of your hands across his body like a puppet master. It's as if he possesses an innate knowledge of the precise areas on his body that you yearn to caress and explore...

"I'm aware, my prettiest dove. Very much so," he cooed, taking on a slightly deeper, yet still playful tone. "I've just been missing your touch," Nikolai deftly guided your hand to lightly squeeze his side waist, causing your eyes to widen at the unexpected gesture. At your flustered reaction, he only grinned and whispered, "And this is also something you've been wanting to do, right?"

An awkward silence momentarily enveloped both of you. "You beat me to it, Kolya," you admitted, confessing to the desires you'd harbored. Yes, being close to him like this was something you longed for.

He lingered in that close proximity a little longer before a faint giggle rolled off his lips. Finally releasing your hands, he twirled away with a toothy smile. "Well, too bad, you have to earn it! That was just a little taste of what you can get~ Hahaha!" The jester's continued to move afterwards, becoming a challenge for you to try and tie the ribbon securely.

"Come on, Nikolai, let's ensure this ribbon is tied properly!" you said, attempting to maintain composure despite the smile on your lips. Unfazed by your words, Nikolai continued- making you chuckle at his antics, well aware that his aim was to coax you into more physical contact. After a minute or so, the silver-haired clown finally relented, giving you the chance to actually adjust the corset ribbon while Nikolai held himself still, his gaze fixed on you with a wide smile.

"Okay, perfect now!" You finally announced with a hint of triumph as the ribbon was finally tied, acknowledging that his antics had made it a bit challenging for you. He straightened himself up dramatically, offering a mock princely bow. "Thank you. As expected of my dear assistant," he said, causing both of you to burst into giggles. Before you could move away, you suddenly feel his hand gripping your waist.

"Now hold on tight! We're going somewhere for the night. Can't let your effort in helping me put on this pretty corset go to waste!" Meeting his gaze upon hearing the sudden invitation, you asked, "Where are we off to, Kolya?" Nikolai flashed a mischievous grin. "That will be tonight's quiz! Hehehe—where am I taking you? Well, only one way to find out! Hold on tight, promise you it'll be a night to remember~" He holds you close to him, and in the blink of an eye, covered you both with his overcoat.

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might write something gorey involving nikolai later >.> (cannibalism is romantic and if you think otherwise you're not welcome here /silly)

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──★ ˙ ̟ helping nikolai put on his corset (nikolai gogol x gn! reader)

summary: he seems to struggle with tying a ribbon for the corset he's wearing and asks your help for it, he may or may not be actually struggling, though... warnings: mildly suggestive i suppose...? note: pretty short. i've been hit with writer's block due to being very busy irl as well i think, so this is just a sort of warm up >.>

Nikolai's frustrated groan echoed from the other side of the room, clearly exaggerated. He had been at it for a while—what exactly was he doing? Trying to properly wear a corset, the tied-up kind. For reasons known only to him, he decided to don a corset one day, injecting a change into his usual attire.

There was no special occasion; he simply had decided to spice up his usual outfit- which is an idea you're never opposed to. Of course, how could you? The idea of something tight accentuating the jester's toned physique was a sight you wouldn't want to miss.

Amid his effort to tie the corset properly, his exaggerated complaints reached a crescendo. "Ugh! This is so hard, [y/n]!" Nikolai complained, louder and needier than ever. His frustration appeared more like a theatrical performance than a genuine struggle. You suspected he could easily manage tying the corset ribbon, even at the back, thanks to the freedom of movement his ability provided.

So, it's beyond clear that he just wanted to playfully poke fun at you.

"Doveeeee!" he whined again, drawing out the syllable. This time, it finally prompted you to stand up from your seat and enter the bedroom where he was "struggling" with the corset.

"What is it, Kolya?" you asked with a small sigh, yet amused.

"I can't tie it right. Help me," he replied, a mischievous grin on his face whilst tugging at the ribbon as if beckoning you to come closer.

"But you're almost done," you remarked, your eyes drawn to his waist now accentuated by the black and white corset. You find it challenging to avert your gaze, lingering a moment longer than you'd care to confess. The corset accentuates his figure perfectly, with its well-fitted monochrome stripes hugging his torso. Your heart flutters with excitement at the way it snugly embraces him. The temptation to feel it beneath your fingertips almost overpowers you. You resist, reminding yourself, "All ribbons are tied... what else do you need?"

He giggled. "Hehehe! Yes, that's why now I need you to help me with this last bit. I can't tie a pretty ribbon," Nikolai voiced, directing your hands to firmly clasp his waist. An eyebrow arched in curiosity as he led your hands to his sides rather than the untied ribbon. When you attempted to withdraw your hands, Nikolai's grip only strengthened, ensuring not a single finger left his vicinity. You raised your chin to meet Nikolai's heterochromatic eyes, a slightly puzzled expression on your face as you encountered his smug grin.

"This..." you began, cheeks warming up as Nikolai leaned closer to your ear. "This is not where the ribbon is, Kolya," you stated, only eliciting an even more pronounced grin from Nikolai. His gloved hands secured your arms firmly, orchestrating their movements up and down his sides, a gentle caress accompanying each guided motion. Now, the earlier desire to feel his accentuated curves on your fingertips had become a reality. You revel in the growing excitement of this exchange, especially with him orchestrating every motion of your hands across his body like a puppet master. It's as if he possesses an innate knowledge of the precise areas on his body that you yearn to caress and explore...

"I'm aware, my prettiest dove. Very much so," he cooed, taking on a slightly deeper, yet still playful tone. "I've just been missing your touch," Nikolai deftly guided your hand to lightly squeeze his side waist, causing your eyes to widen at the unexpected gesture. At your flustered reaction, he only grinned and whispered, "And this is also something you've been wanting to do, right?"

An awkward silence momentarily enveloped both of you. "You beat me to it, Kolya," you admitted, confessing to the desires you'd harbored. Yes, being close to him like this was something you longed for.

He lingered in that close proximity a little longer before a faint giggle rolled off his lips. Finally releasing your hands, he twirled away with a toothy smile. "Well, too bad, you have to earn it! That was just a little taste of what you can get~ Hahaha!" The jester's continued to move afterwards, becoming a challenge for you to try and tie the ribbon securely.

"Come on, Nikolai, let's ensure this ribbon is tied properly!" you said, attempting to maintain composure despite the smile on your lips. Unfazed by your words, Nikolai continued- making you chuckle at his antics, well aware that his aim was to coax you into more physical contact. After a minute or so, the silver-haired clown finally relented, giving you the chance to actually adjust the corset ribbon while Nikolai held himself still, his gaze fixed on you with a wide smile.

"Okay, perfect now!" You finally announced with a hint of triumph as the ribbon was finally tied, acknowledging that his antics had made it a bit challenging for you. He straightened himself up dramatically, offering a mock princely bow. "Thank you. As expected of my dear assistant," he said, causing both of you to burst into giggles. Before you could move away, you suddenly feel his hand gripping your waist.

"Now hold on tight! We're going somewhere for the night. Can't let your effort in helping me put on this pretty corset go to waste!" Meeting his gaze upon hearing the sudden invitation, you asked, "Where are we off to, Kolya?" Nikolai flashed a mischievous grin. "That will be tonight's quiz! Hehehe—where am I taking you? Well, only one way to find out! Hold on tight, promise you it'll be a night to remember~" He holds you close to him, and in the blink of an eye, covered you both with his overcoat.

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──★ ˙ ̟ "PERFECT TIMING!"

you're nikolai's intimate friend (nikolai gogol x gn! reader) and he wants to 'free' you

summary : you're nikolai's friend and he wants to give you a taste of freedom (which of course means, he wants to kill you) ur like fyodor to him in this fic, kinda warnings : implied mental disorders, graphic depictions of violence, suicidal ideation, assisted suicide. you have a complicated relationship w him please do not take this seriously, fr i wrote this for coping purposes lol and sorry if it's kinda OOC this is the first ever nikolai x reader i wrote... dont beat my ass and english isnt my native i suck at grammar

Your days has always been mundane. You woke up and work on your laptop all day, then go back to sleep. However, there was a moment when your days became a bit more colorful, thanks to Nikolai's presence. He's an eccentric man who dressed like a clown and spoke theatrically. How did you meet someone like him in the first place? That's a story for another day.

With the time you both had, usually in the evening, he had developed a habit of visiting your place. By that hour, you'd be done with your day job, and you'd have the time to focus all your attention on him. It started as something casual, but as time went by, the two of you realized just how much you understood each other, at least to some extent.

His philosophy about freedom. The belief that being human itself is akin to being in a prison, it speaks to you. And the moment you expressed to him that you too shared the same belief, something changed between you two.

“Because you’re my…

Dear, intimate friend.”

He was fun to spend time with, so much so that it made you forget that he's a terrorist, a member of DOA. He brought colors to your uneventful, colorless life, and you didn't understand why.

“I guess you're sane in an insane way, Kolya.”

The clown laughed at the way you worded it. “Hilarious way to put it, [y/n]! You’d make for a talented comedian. You shouldn’t let this talent of yours go to waste! Don’t you think so?”

You sighed at his remark. “I’m way too anxious to do that. I can't stand in front of the stage and speak in theatrics like you do.” You eyed him playfully, and he giggled at that.

“Is that so? My dear friend can't handle the stage? How adorable, you’re intimidated by your own kind!” He scooted closer and cupped your chin in his hand. Your cheeks warmed up a bit at his touch, and you attempted to hide it. “You talk as if you're not a human yourself,” you said in return.

Nikolai’s grin grew even wider at your comment. “But I am one, I am a perfectly sane human being.” He tilted your head slightly to the side as he leaned even closer, his hot breath caressing your cheek. You swallowed nervously and darted your gaze away, unable to bring yourself to meet the silver haired clown's mismatched eyes.

And then he kissed you. It was a tender, loving kiss. Nikolai attempted to deepen the kiss, but you managed to push him away. He didn't try to force himself on you; however, he simply stared down at you with a smile. A smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

“Did you just kiss me? What was that even for?” 

“Because… I’m looking for an answer.”

“What?”

“I’m looking for an answer.”

You didn't quite understand what he meant at that moment.

This wouldn’t end well, you knew it. Yet, you couldn't resist him.

The relationship between you two was something that words couldn't quite explain. You two weren’t exactly lovers, but you weren’t exactly friends, either. An undefined one, dancing between the lines of friendship and romance. But did you want it to end? Of course not. You never questioned it, despite the uncertainty gnawing at you.

You had always been good at hiding your emotions after all, or at least, that's what you think. Good at fooling others into believing that you were okay when you were not, because you felt far too shameful to express them freely. You beat yourself up inside your head. You couldn't feel things normally, you either feel nothing or everything at once. It's too much. Nauseating. You hated those feelings. But one day, at the worst possible moment, the clown appeared before you. As you were grappling with your breakdown, you found yourself pouring out your thoughts and feelings to him. Nikolai was present with his vacant facet, silently listening to every word.

"I just want to be free. I hate feeling things. I hate this. I hate everything. I want everything to stop!" Your voice was laced with desperation, and you continued, "If I had a gun, I probably would've done it already. I'm so tired of all of this. My mind is telling me to stop, but I can't do it! I keep doing it, I can't stop myself. I wish my body would just give up. All the things I've done to my body, I've tried inflicting all sorts of damage to it, yet somehow, the heart still tries to beat, and so I remain alive."

In the midst of your distraught state, Nikolai's face held sympathy for a moment. He approached you and pulled you into a tight embrace. He didn't say anything, he kept silent— only his grip gradually tightening as if he wanted to crush your pain away.

—

Just like any other evening, you were in your room with Nikolai. He had brought you something new - a small variety of Ukrainian sweets. He said he wanted you to taste a piece of his homeland. It was unusual because Nikolai had never brought you food before despite his frequent visits, but he seemed eager, so you decided to show your appreciation by giving it a try.

In mere minutes, your stomach began to twist and turn, forcing you to curl up in pain at the edge of the bed. “Aren’t you going to help me?" you cried out, struggling to make sense of the situation.

"...."

"Oh, wait." "You're not going to help me because you intended to do this, right?” You managed to say as you writhed in agony.

Nikolai seemed momentarily disconnected from reality but soon snapped out of it and burst into laughter. “Oh, dove! Does it hurt? Yes, you’re a smart one, aren’t you? I did slipped a liiittle bit something into this dessert,” he placed his own food aside and peered over you. “But I didn’t use enough to kill you, what do you think!” He exclaimed loudly in his usual antics. You always thought you understood him, but there were moments when you couldn’t quite wrap your head around his thinking. This was one of those moments.

“After all we've been through, you’re trying to kill me now?”

For a moment, the silver-haired man appeared taken aback. “Why do you ask? That's precisely why I want to kill you. To prove my freedom. Don't you yearn for the same?”

"You wish to be liberated from your emotions, don't you?"

It didn’t take long for you to grasp the meaning of that. You both shared the same understanding, after all. That emotions made you feel imprisoned, but you never thought Nikolai would express it this way. Before you could respond, he continued.

“Because you’re my... intimate friend… it pains me to witness your struggle to break free, just as I am.” He mumbled, his eyes empty and distant. “You’re my dove. My dearest. My angel.” By each words spoken, his voice turned softer, and he sounded genuine for once.

After a trail of endearment terms rolled off his tongue, you spoke. “Perfect timing,” you whispered, managing a grin despite the aching pain in your stomach.

“Then, why don’t we find freedom together, Kolya?”

—

"Nikolai,” you whispered, caressing his cheek. You knew this would be the last time you'd see him. “How do you feel right now? You look happy. If you were to look in the mirror, your grin is so wide I didn't even know someone could smile like that.

“Hahahahahaha! I am indeed feeling ECSTATIC!” He pulled colorful balls out of his coat, along with a couple of knives, and began juggling them in his hands. “Now, it's time for a quiz! Which weapon will I use to end your life? I have knives, guns, bombs, oh, a wide variety of choices! This is going to be super thrilling! So exciting that words couldn’t do justice!” You could only manage a faint chuckle at this. “All of those weapons, because you like torturing people to death. Right?” 

Nikolai took a couple of steps closer to you, continuing to speak in his theatrics. “Ding dong! You are—” He reached for a small knife and aimed it at your throat. “WRONG! You're wrong! Thought you answered that right, didn't you?! Gotcha!” He giggled to himself, his eyes not leaving your figure as his other hand reached into his overcoat, pulling out another knife.

“Because you are my dear friend, [y/n], I will grant you the honor of receiving special treatment. I'll make it quick for you because I want you to be free as quickly as possible!”

You had agreed to Nikolai taking your life.

You saw it as a two-way street, a mutual exchange. He could attain the sense of freedom he so desperately sought, and you could be liberated from your thoughts, emotions, and feelings.

Your miserable existence.

“Ready to take off, my dear?” Nikolai questioned, his grin stretching from ear to ear. He was smiling, but it appeared more like a manic one, instead of genuine happiness. It made you wonder what sort of expression you were wearing. A whirlwind of emotions are surging within you.

You are going to die. In Nikolai’s hands.

Slowly, you nodded. “I am.” Nikolai's grin widened even further, it appeared almost unsettling. Before you could utter another word, Nikolai had already plunged two knives deep into your chest. Your eyes widened, and you collapsed to the ground. Nikolai swiftly straddled you, and he didn't cease his stabbing. “Scream! Shout! Let me hear your cry of freedom, granted by the great Gogol himself! Hahahaha!” Laughter consumed him as he continued to relentlessly stab your neck and chest.

The pain was unbearable, but you couldn’t quite scream properly. Everything happened so quickly. Only disjointed sounds escaped your lips, drowned out by Nikolai's increasingly intense laughter as he continued to stab you.

"Freedom! Oh, this is what I've been searching for! I feel nothing!" He yelled hysterically. His mismatched eyes locked onto yours, your vision starts to blur, yet you could still see Nikolai wearing the same grin and glaring eyes. "My dear friend! Tell me! You feel free as well, just as much as I do right now, correct? Don't let my effort in killing you be in vain! You are free! Free from that prison you've been in! Say yes! Say yes!" He continued his rapid speech, almost matching the rhythm of the stabs.

Feeling your body growing cold, you could only muster a faint smile in response, sensing your blood seeping from your chest and neck. It felt oddly calming. The pain had lessened. Your body turned colder and colder, but the blood oozing from your wounds felt warm.

With the last bit of your strength, you managed to touch his cheek. You weren't sure if it was a hallucination or not, but Nikolai appeared to flinch in surprise when your hand made contact with his skin. Your body temperature was plummeting rapidly.

“...Kolya..” you managed to croak out, before closing your eyes and falling limp.

The floor was now painted red. The silver-haired clown’s once monochrome attire had almost turned crimson; stained with your own blood. There was a moment of silence, so profound that Nikolai could hear his own breathing. But then his breathing quickened, and his smile broadened once more.

“Hahaha!” He laughed out loud, “Oh! My dear friend is finally free now!” He picked up his knife again and lunged over your lifeless body. You were no longer breathing, but Nikolai continued to stab you. “The freedom we've desperately sought! Liberated from this thing called brainwashing!” The clown's eyes remained wide with trembling irises, an impression of madness. Unlike before, his voice now bore a subtle crack, as his gestures also became unsteady.

The same expression remained on his face, but tears started streaming down his cheeks. Nikolai seemed unaware of his own tears. “My dear friend! Tell me that I've achieved this freedom! You can confirm it because you understand me, right? You're the only one who understands me, after all!” His tone grew almost frantic, and his voice continued to break with each word. He pulled the knives from your chest and threw them aside, squeezing your cold, lifeless hand tighter in his warm ones.

“Because you’re… my dear friend… and you’re the only one who understands me…”

[juunobox]

ok dleting this later but for now

im so indecisive...

[juunobox]

why nikolai seeks 'freedom' // short ramble

i desperately need nikolai's backstory ... but i doubt we're going to get one anytime soon (or if it's even going to be created at all)

but for now im gonna think that nikolai's backstory involves a series of unfortunate events that led him to feeling out of control, hence he so desperately seeks this 'freedom', and continues living in this way

(as in: keeping up w his clown persona, even to go as far as joining the DOA even though he knows killing, committing crimes is wrong, for he even said it himself that he feels guilt just like any other person)- this is what i call living 'out of spite' (idk how to put it other than this way) because he wants that control. he so badly yearns for some form of control over his life, himself, and he is convinced that detaching himself from his emotions is one way to do it.

"to me, losing all hope is freedom." - i think this quote sums up his motive at least to a certain extent because he is such a complex character.

someone in his past tore the control out of his life. so his current mindset is his coping mechanism to regain that sense of control.

as much as i love him and want him to be happy i genuinely cannot see a happy ending where nikolai remains alive and well. if he keeps holding on to this idea of freedom, the answer to escape from one's humanity other than the current way of him 'living and committing crimes out of spite', is to, yes, only suicide, because the freedom he seeks for... to escape from his body, mind, emotions. the things that exactly make one a human being, yet he wishes to escape from that.

he's stripped away from control over his life in the past that results in severe trust issues, so much that he can't even trust himself, his own thoughts, and no longer trust the world itself, he doesn't think that the world will ever be kind to him, hence- once again, he continues to live 'out of spite' by being a member of the DOA and doing these things while pursuing 'freedom'.

and i also i think he's actually a deeply empathetic and caring person deep down, for reasons that i cannot put into coherent words. idk, i may be just projecting here but i just feel it in my blood ok?

[juunobox]

nikolai is super strong and its canon (i think!!!). I MEAN!! in the latest official art he's holding onto an iron bar with his ONE HAND supporting his whole weight and poses like it's nothing at all... in the new ep he's also spinning one of those heavy metal suitcases with one hand..... this is so attractive of him bro i want him so bad

tall, strong, handsome, silly... he's an all in one package truly

oh and also that time he pulled out a pole/?? when fighting atsushi... ik his ability helps this but it takes a lot of strength to pull that out of his overcoat in itself and throw it in atsushi's direction,, right.

[juunobox]

──★ ˙ ̟ sitting on nikolai's lap and testing his limits by pretending oblivious. (nikolai gogol x gn! reader)

summary: enjoying ice cream while u sit on his lap, intentionally moving around in ways that'd turn him on but pretending you have no idea what you were doing to annoy him lol warnings: n/sfw. no actual woohoo scene , just the teasing leading up to that, and i don't use explicit languages here but u can tell what's happening note: i have mixed feelings ab this one i think im having writer's block idk help me e i hope u enjoyed tho

"Me, oh my, looks like someone is enjoying themselves a liiittle too much," Nikolai chuckled whilst playfully tousling your [h/c] hair, causing you to nod with a laugh. "I didn't expect myself to enjoy it this much, either– carnivals are typically crowded places- but this was a pleasant surprise," you admitted with glee. 

Initially, you hesitated to accept the invitation to go visit a carnival with Nikolai because you have a dislike for crowded and busy environments, but his company made a significant difference.

Whenever you started feeling overwhelmed, Nikolai, with his keen eyes would almost immediately notice it– immediately whisking you away into his arms; using his overcoat to move the both of you to a quieter spot nearby and stay there until you felt better before continuing the activities.

Nikolai was enthusiastic throughout, and although keeping up with his energy was challenging– seeing his beaming excitement warmed your heart and kept you going. His eagerness to explore every nook and cranny of the carnival while still making sure to take breaks just for you was a gesture you deeply appreciated.

Nikolai grinned, "See? I knew you'd enjoy it, dove!" You responded with another nod, mirroring his satisfaction in how today's events had turned out pleasantly. Leaving the carnival behind, the two of you walked in comfortable silence for a moment.

As the lively lights slowly faded into the dusky evening, you and Nikolai wandered into a nearby park. Typically bustling with activity, the park had now settled into a peaceful hush, possibly due to the approaching darkness. Nikolai's eyes suddenly lit up as he exclaimed, "[Y/N], look over there! An ice cream vendor with Halloween-themed flavors!" He pointed at the vendor with an enthusiastic grin, slightly jumping in his spot. "Wow, they have 'blood' flavor! We have to try it." He tugged your arm, coaxing you to join him. "Let's gooo!"

Even though you weren't in the mood for any more sweets after indulging in them with Nikolai in the carnival earlier– it was difficult to resist his gleeful enthusiasm, so you responded with a smile and a nod. The vendor appeared pleasantly surprised by Nikolai's striking excitement for the sweet, cold dessert. He ordered 'blood' flavored ice creams for both of you, but Nikolai's cone contained an unexpected swirl of vanilla.

He happily accepted it, paid the vendor, took your hand in his before leaving.

"He was so kind, wasn't he? Giving me the vanilla flavor as well," Nikolai giggled softly while savoring the ice cream. You agreed with a small giggle, "Yeah, I think he appreciated your excitement. It's not every day you see someone this thrilled about getting an ice cream."

"Hahaha! I hope that's true," Nikolai laughed before taking a taste of the ice cream. "Oh, turns out this is strawberry jam," he remarked, taking another lick of the dessert. "Just the right amount of sweetness! What do you think, dove?"

You tasted your own ice cream before replying, "Mmm, it's good, I agree!" You glanced at Nikolai, who was enjoying his treat with repeated nods in silent approval. "Can I taste the vanilla flavor, Kolya?

"Sure thing!" Nikolai smiled and lowered his hand, offering you a taste of the vanilla. You leaned in to taste it- approving the taste, "The vanilla is so creamy," and returned to enjoying your own ice cream.

Unbeknownst to you, his gaze lingered on your lips for a little longer. "Isn't it? Sooo good!" he forced a grin on his face, promptly looking away– pretending that the sight of you tasting his ice cream earlier didn't make him feel nor think of certain things that shall remain… unspoken. At least for now.

As you both strolled a little further, you came across an unoccupied bench. Nikolai abruptly halted and turned to you, saying, "Let's sit here for a bit!" He tugged your arm, guiding you to the bench before taking a seat himself.

Leaning back against the wooden bench, he savored the taste of his ice cream; legs spreading slightly as he relished the treat. It was difficult not to look at his legs— his thighs, his lap. Your eyes remain fixated on his lap, and a familiar desire stirred within you.

You often fantasized about sitting on his lap; his thick thighs looked incredibly alluring. Or, perhaps you just yearned for something more. You wanted to feel them… on you, against you– experience that closeness in some way or another.

That's why now, instead of taking the empty space beside him, you boldly plopped down on Nikolai's lap.

He was taken aback by the sudden contact, his eyes widening in surprise. It nearly caused him to drop his ice cream. "[y/n], what would you do if I dropped my ice cream?!" he proclaimed theatrically, a small laugh accompanying it.

Despite his words, you chose to ignore them and continued to enjoy your ice cream while making yourself comfortable on his lap.

Nikolai, maintaining his playful tone, remarked, "Someone's feeling a bit daring today, I see~?"

With faux innocence, you replied without even sparing him a glance. "What? I just wanted to sit here. Your lap always seems like a comfortable seat to me." Not giving him any chance to respond, you continued by shifting your sitting position on his lap.

He chuckled, "Suuure. Comfortable, is it?" Nikolai said smugly, clearly seeing through your intentions but didn't make a comment on it. "But we're in a public space, [y/n]. Don't you think people might find this… at least a teeny bit inappropriate?"

Nikolai wasn't wrong. You knew exactly what you were doing at this moment: teasing him– but this time, you intended to play the innocent. After all, he was always the one poking fun on you. This would be a sort of payback. Fair, right?

"Kolya, I'm just sitting on your lap, trying to find a good position. These hard wooden benches aren't very forgiving," you responded with mock ignorance, enjoying your ice cream and continuing to shift your position on his lap, pressing down against him even more. 

Nikolai's words caught in his throat at this, feeling your movements. Oh, his expression was priceless – if you could see it. He's trying so hard to pretend he's just as oblivious as you are; but his flushed cheeks, the glistening sweat on his forehead, and the way he nibbled on his lower lip– revealed everything.

There was a brief pause before you heard a response from Nikolai in the form of a soft hum. "Hm~ well, if you insist." He leaned back, trying to relax again and enjoy his ice cream that's starting to melt a little.

What you were doing was clearly having an effect on him, but he was valiantly attempting to maintain his composure. You looked around, spotting a dog passing by in the distance. You jumped a bit on the spot, intentionally pressing down on him even more. "Oh, a cute dog," you exclaimed, "Kolya, look!" you extended an arm and pointed in the direction where the dog is, deliberately ignoring his reactions as you continued to shift on his lap.

The clown's eyes widened once again, sucking in a sharp breath as you moved. He almost let out a moan. Almost.  In his mind, you were practically grinding on him, because, well, that is exactly what you're doing– it's just that you're pretending clueless to it. 

Nikolai's hand drifted to the edge of the bench, his fingers gripping it tightly as you continued to move. He blinked slowly at the sensation, releasing a quiet, almost imperceptible sigh. It was becoming progressively more challenging for him to keep his composure.

"Dove... You're moving a bit too–" he said in a hoarse, unsteady voice. But before he could finish what he was trying to say, you quickly interrupted, "Oh! That really sucks. I wanted to see the dog's face up close; it already looks incredibly cute from here!" You continued to move, undeterred by his pleas.

Nikolai's blush intensified, "[Y/N]," He swallowed, transitioning from gripping the bench to placing his hand on your hip, attempting to keep you from moving...

But you just continued and kept going.

"Aaah," you gasped, posing disappointment as your eyes followed the dog racing away. You kicked your legs and held onto Nikolai's thighs even tighter, leaning back, "The dog ran away." You murmured, maintaining the feigned innocence to the impact of your actions on him up until now, but finally putting a stop to it.

Nikolai was noticeably sweating, his breathing slightly heavier. You were in such close proximity to him, practically pressed against his body– you could feel the heat emanating from him.

Just as you were preparing to rise from his lap, he finally spoke up. "Nope. Come back here," Nikolai's grip on your hip suddenly tightened, leaving you with no choice but to remain in close contact with him. You were caught off guard by the sensation, your eyes widening as a soft gasp escaped your lips. 

"Hey," you began, attempting to speak and make eye contact, but Nikolai swiftly nuzzled your neck and slid his hand beneath your shirt, gently caressing your skin. His touch sent shivers down your spine, accompanied by a flutter in your lower stomach. "Kolya, wait," you squirmed, trying to stop him; but instead– ended up losing your balance. Your ice cream tumbled into your lap, the creamy substance sliding down in between your thighs.

Nikolai paused and leaned back, assessing the mess with a small pout. "Hm, your ice cream spilled... What a waste." His hand swiftly ventured further upwards, tugging onto your shirt. "If you remove this, then I can use it to wipe the ice cream off your thighs," he suggested with a mischievous giggle, slipping a finger underneath.

Your cheeks turned red at his words. "I'm not doing that," you held onto his arm, preventing him from going further. "Not here-"

"Oh, my prettiest dove, you were the one who initiated this... I knew what you were doing, moving around on my lap like that!" he chuckled, "But, fine." Nikolai finally withdrew his hand before gently helping you get off his lap before standing up.

"Let's head over to that alley instead. I'll help you clean that up!" Nikolai chirped with a sly grin, his cheerful tone contrasting with the true intentions behind his proposal. 

You nodded and walked alongside him, the stickiness from the ice cream made walking a bit uncomfortable– but the prospect of getting rid of the sticky feeling soon was somewhat relieving.

Then, you suddenly felt Nikolai's hand on your thigh, where the ice cream had spilled. You jumped at the sudden touch, turning to glare at him. He met your gaze with a playful giggle, licking the ice cream off his fingers.

"Did you just—"

"It's called not wasting food, [Y/N]!" He giggled, eyeing you suggestively, "I'll clean the rest of it too, don't you worry~"

[juunobox]

i'm stupid, i just found a term that's fitting for my writing preference, lol ... i'm fine with writing lime fics and sexually suggestive scenes. explicit nsfw just makes me feel rly awkward and a lil' uncomfortable