k-tryn

[k-tryn]

To settle in for a night of discovery. To settle into the love that surrounds you in a drunken haze. Letting the sweet words that mean nothing roll into the back of your mind and nest there, only for a night. Only for a night. Let this fake adoration consume you, feel the intoxicating air fill your lungs with a pseudo intimacy.

Do anything you can to forget what brought you into the dark corners of the night seeking validation from someone you can barely picture when you close your eyes.

Kiss their lips and drink in every bit so in the morning you have something to simmer on. Something to obsess over. Something else to take your mind off of the things you've done and the path you've taken. Lose yourself in the sheets that tangle up your dreams and legs. Fall into the pillow top and relax into the trap again. Oh how sweet those words are in the back of your throat, so slowly they choke you.

[k-tryn]

I am a painfully nostalgic person. I wish to feel the rush of moments I can only half remember. The flurry of a first kiss. The whirl of a sneaky glance. The anger of a certain argument that never seems to end right or at all. I am a painfully nostalgic person who is scared of the new memories to come.

No matter the fear the world doesn't stop turning and nights too quickly turn into mornings. Hours drone on and moments don't seem as exciting as they once did. Boredom turns to day dreaming and day dreaming turns to fantasy growing. Fantasy only inhibits the soul in a crippling manner. Reality has to become a solid foundation before I lose myself in the memories of yesteryear. Too quickly the nights turn into mornings and I realize I've wasted a night's sleep dreaming of ways i could get back to what was lost.

So many things have been lost, found, broken and mended throughout the years of my passing days. What was truly lost along the way? What was the thing that mattered most that seems to be invisible to the naked eye? Was it lust turned to dust or friends to foes? Or rather was it the person who narrates this life and makes every decision along the way? I have lost myself to the years and the wants of falling back into old patterns. So so many things have been lost, myself most importantly.

On new journeys we find new meanings. On new paths we find new joys. In new words we find new ideas and thoughts. Though the fear is there settling in me like a bear in hibernation, the need to fill my days with nostalgia inducing memories is much greater. On new journeys I will find a new me, from a lost memory she'll live a new path.

[k-tryn]

I think of you in the night. When the stars collide above us and we are unaware.

I think about you before I fall asleep. When my eyelids are weighed down by piles of sleep.

I think about you when I brush my hair. When I feel how my arms spread and know you could fill up that empty space.

I think of you when I eat my dinner. When I notice the seat you should be sitting in.

I think of you, again, in the night. When the streets echo with the silence you left me in.

[k-tryn]

You're simply a dream that I will never be able to catch.

[k-tryn]

[k-tryn]

"I have my mothers rage, and my father's ability to walk away. this, I've learned, is a very lonely combination."

Rose Brik, my father's eyes, my mother's rage

[k-tryn]

"I should have come home to you." She says.

"what do you mean?" We never had a home together.

"instead of going to Puerto Rico. I should have gone to you like we planned." River responds quickly.

Five or so years have passed since River and Elizabeth addressed this topic. The reason things ended. The reason that these star crossed lovers had fallen apart. Elizabeth, or Liz, prefers to ignore the fact they aren't together anymore. She lives in a bubble when River messages her. The very bubble that makes her forget she's a newlywed to a man that sort of appreciates her but ultimately ignores her. A choice was made to be with him. Deal with the fact that things were over alone, or move on with someone else. She just didn't expect that someone to end up marrying her. So now she has her bubble, a safe place she can turn to and be her true self.

In this bubble she finally finds some peace. Someone who knows her. River has always known her. Even way back when, that first day of school and she didn't technically know her at all. Even then, some part of their souls knew one another from another life. In this bubble Liz feels like herself again. So she lets it be. She refuses to pop it.

Life has other plans. The bubble needed to pop. Everyone knew it. Some more than others. Perhaps there is such a thing as too much love, too much distance, too much time.

[k-tryn]

[k-tryn]

I started writing to you because I so miss the person I remembered I was when you came back.

I write to you, still, because I am lost without you around.

I write to you and you ignore me because you're growing past me.

I write to you and hope for the best, not for an answer, but because I don't know how not to.

I stop writing to you because it hurts to know how much you don't need me back.

I write to myself to remind myself how wonderful I can be on my own.

I write to nothing, no one. Because the hope has faded again.

[k-tryn]

I'm going to dream of you tonight. Like I do every night.

I hope I can console you there.

[k-tryn]

The thing is I lose myself in her every time. I did when I was fourteen and again when I'm twenty nine. Without hesitation I lose myself. I can blame the nostalgia or even the butterflies that panic in my chest beating their wings begging for an escape. I can. But I won't. I won't blame anything except my naive desire to feel wanted and fully loved. I have never been able to deny myself the pleasure of having her in my life. Even now. When I'm married and have no business reaching out to a past lover, a soul mate, a distant piece of myself I lost along the way. I should have left that piece in the past. I should have reminded myself nothing good comes from digging up old bones. But I ignored every alarm going off. I shut down every flag that tried to turn red. I finally said fuck it and messaged you back.

Years later. Years after the hurt. Years after. I gave in again. You were like a siren calling me deeper into the dangerous sea. You were a worm dangling on a hook that stirred a hunger in me I forgot I had. You reminded me how it felt to be loved again. To be acknowledged. To be heard. You and me. I always felt so safe with you. when I was so young and eager and full of hope and love. I always felt safe with you. I have you the most vulnerable part of myself. I gave and loved and enjoyed life so fiercely.

So before I go on remembering all the reasons I shouldn't be madly in love with you I will say thank you, I love you, I hope so much for you. I will quite possibly never hate you. I will remember you for eternity. You have marked my soul. You will always have my soul. Even if you don't want it anymore. Please remember me in the end. Because I will never forget you.

[k-tryn]

Maggie Stiefvater, Linger

[k-tryn]

When I think of you certain songs play in my mind, when a certain movie plays across the screen you are always there, if a line in poetry is charming enough you never hesitate to come to mind.

Other things spark a memory of you as well. When I start to feel an overwhelming sense of despair it reminds me of you. If a cloud of anger rolls in I remember how you handled your pain. When I smash my hand in a door I remember how you used to choose this pain. But also, when I smile so hard my lips crack at the corners, I remember the first time that happened. It was with you. Everything leads back to you. Except my path, that never led to you, just around you.

That was always the issue wasn't it? That we never had the chance to actually be. Or was it that no matter how hard I tried to be with you something else came up? The fact is that we will never know why we never worked, just that we never did. I don't like to believe in fate because that means my choices are not my own. So I chose to believe our choices led us here. Like the butterfly effect we have made so many choices that can't be undone. We are here now. Almost two thousand miles apart, still. Nothing has changed except everything has changed. In this story to you I hope you find my reasons to be clear and true. I hope to make sense of the choices I made and by the end of it I hope you find peace in the choices you made. That's all either of us can do now, find peace.

Like our love this story may be choppy, bounce around, jump from time to time, so bear with me as I lay out my perspective. See through my eyes. Hear through my ears. Read in my mind. This is a story of how a girl fell in love, possibly incoherently told but still a story that must be told.

[k-tryn]

top 5 scariest things to do

phone call

driving

have a job

not have a job

[k-tryn]

All because I let you back in thinking I could handle it again lol okay

it sucks because for a minute i was happy, for a minute i was getting better, for a minute i had hope, but in a minute i lost it all again

[k-tryn]

I am the castle you have abandoned.

Webs have filled my corners. Those stone walls aged by years of surviving, of enduring. The fires that you left burning in my hearth have long gone out, the embers barely survive in the cold conditions.

Staircases crumble, ones that led down to the heart of the foundation now splinter and wither away with only a glance, ones that led up and show the true beauty of the landscape shake in shambles as the breeze of your memory comes through.

The breeze of your memory. A breeze that can turn into a tornado given the right circumstances. Scents of your longing, yearning, craving, it haunts my halls. The mixture of your emotions paints the walls. Each breath of life into this old castle shakes the dust from the stone that has been chipped and chiseled. These walls remember what it was like to be loved and cared for by someone who tried to tend the lands.

These walls remember what it was like to be left. The walls remember everything that happened in every hidden room, every dark corner, every small crevice of space you thought was too dark to be seen in. The stone remembers and has the marks to prove it. You caress and polish every stone in the palace again, you tend to it like you had never been gone. You buff the dents and cracks and fill the spaces that have appeared. An apology here, an act of self realization there.

The castle doors open more easily for you now. The gate lowers and you are allowed back in, under strict watch. Only you don't want back in now, you merely want the gate opened. So the castle sits. Open. Slightly cared for. Slightly seen. But you have another home to retreat to when this castle becomes too much work. You have a softer, easier home to live in now. One that may not require as much from you as this castle does. For a castle as grand as mine needs more than a surface love, it requires a love for the broken pieces that may never be recovered. My castle walls crave your aiding touch but shiver at the thought of your return.

I am no longer only the castle you abandoned but the castle that still stands after it's been forgotten.

[k-tryn]

This feeling is heavy, like my skin is lined with lead. Each organ has a stone sitting in it. The air I breathe even feels heavy in my lungs. Every step the weight clings to me, I sweat with eager want.

I want this weight. I've held this weight like a security blanket for so long. It has encapsulated me and held me as a hostage for so long that I fear I may float away if this weight was reduced. One tired day I shifted the weight and dropped some pieces of myself that pulled me down to the core of the earth. I lost those pieces of myself and the memories that meant most to me.

My load was lightened. I forgot the weight that came with your memory. So when I heard your call I came and brushed away any tiny voice that whispered the scars of your love. I wanted this weight back. I remind myself I wouldn't have answered your call had I not wanted this.

After all the years of forgetting how comforting and drowning the weight can be I craved it once more. I thought myself lost without it, vulnerable to the world that surrounds me. Unknown to myself and those that claim to love me. I was the abandoned fortress that you left agape when you deserted it.