knucklegagging - Tumblr blog

[knucklegagging]

Sends a video in lingerie flexing at completing my weight goals w the tag "is this sexy or not"

The response: what exactly were you going for?

,_, sexy. Not that response.

[knucklegagging]

I have felt underwater all day. Not under the weather. Under. Water. Echoing grey terse waves besiege me. I don't think anyone normal understands how xompletely debilitating it is to live life never having anyome touch you in affection and always being closed away in one isolated room in grave silence. My brain isnt even mine. Its just watery shadows moving in a line by shackles at each wrist and endless ankle. They follow each others' waving manner in a loop that never dies. I am always yearning to break past the surface. But i can never find peace of mind or signs of living inside of me.

[knucklegagging]

Okay guys im a total idiot fuck up. And i should talk to someone but its like all the fucked up words have already been said and said better by more important people. By people who are actually valued in society. And fuck society sure, but individualism only gets you cats. I dont want to be a weird artistic passionate intellectual. I wanna be wanted. Fuck. I dont blend in w anybody.

[knucklegagging]

Feels like life rn. She making me feel things. This must be what healthy is but I got no fucking clue what comes next.

[knucklegagging]

I know this is mostly an anorexia tumblr account but tbh I havent been really struggling w my anorexia lately. Found old emaciated pictures and I think thats a lot of the reason why. Side by side my highest weight and lowest weight one looks weak and the other looks sexy. And Like... I wanna live. If i can. Especially now. And maybe a lot of this is that I was dealing shit no one is ever supposed to talk about but I have never been fat. I have been big busted hourglass booty girl slimthicc milkshake walking cunstain looking barbie body. And I have been emaciated. Thats so weird to really notice for the first time in my twenties. And it's not like I've been actively wanting to die or anything intense like that, but I didnt know life could feel good. And lately it really does. And my set range right now is 111 to 116. Which is healthy, as is my bfp. So i get that this is an anorexia tumblr account primarily... But maybe it doesnt always have to be? Idk tonight just feels really good. The girl I like seems to like me. And by that i mean shes made it clear she does in more ways than one. And frankly ive been a migraine and she still around. Its been a lot to adjust to. I have not been an easy person for her to be around. At least, i know I would be tired of my anxiety bullshit by now. She has so much patience and kindess and goodness in her soul. I feel like I have known her before, almost like memories from a dream that you woke up from too quickly. The taste of thoughts percolate my mouth with painful dripping sighs that crave to know her better, like filling in the blanks. Theres something so different, so unmistakable about the way that she is.

I dont know how to comfort myself at times because I cannot be running away in the opposite directiom but sticking my heels into blue on the treadmill next to her is terrifying. I get these scared moments thinking that I am going to ruin everything in one fell swoop w one stupid comment or being too hyper, talking too much, saying shit she wouldnt care about, moving too fast, not moving fast enough, not being whatever it is she expects of me. ...but yet she just roll w the punches. I dont want her to know how inexperienced i am w relationships. I dont want her to know anything bad thats happened to me and have it sour the interest that she has in me. I'm like paranoid that somehow she would find this blog and see my thoughts spelled out even though ik she won't. That wouldnt happen. But out of nowhere sometimes I just get scared like she will wake up one morning and decide I am not good enough. That I am too autistic or I have too much of a past behind me. That I have already been defiled and that makes me too much drama. I cant say that sentence out loud. I can't say many if any things out loud. I am always writing them down for her.

I am terrified about how to play my sleeves. At some point she will probably see my arms or thighs if we continue to spend time w each other. How the fuck is that all supposed to play out? Do i pretend its nothing and just rip the bandaid off? Wear a tank top when i see her next? That sounds dumb. There is no way to gradually unveil my body in ways that are not jarring when you have as many scars as I do. I like myself fine I just sometimes notice how much i do not know and that can psyche me out. But today has been good. Tonight has been happy. I am very much okay today. I just wish time would move faster slowly, so that i can know how we end up so that i can have a road map. I want thw answers for how to behave so that i dont cause any problems for her. If i could read her mind, if i could see the future, if i could know now what i will know then about whether i am going to make her life difficult... I am so scared. I am so happy. But I am also so scared.

Whats gonna happen when I am really visible and she can really see me? I've done so well at being invisible. With her I dont want to be. But it is all unknown and I'm a big ol scaredycat

[knucklegagging]

Figured out hetcomp is real, i am a dyke, and now i"m seeing this girl who i keep saying stupid shit to. Basically i'm aspergers barfing on her randomly and shes like smiling and nodding and peering into my soul w these big sexy eyes and holy shit I am a child around her. Apparently this is what it actually feels like when you like someone and youre not just pushing yourself to find a husband so your parents stop hating you. Apparently this is what happiness feels like. Apparently I am just very fucking gay. And like heres the thing I knpw i'm a lesbian I am been knowing that since i was four. But i thought eventually maybe i could adapt to what is expected of me if i stayed away from temptation or whatever. Jokes on me. Jesus would be so ashamed but hey he got nailed by a bunch of dudes in front of a crowd of onlookers so... Sus.

[knucklegagging]

I am officially maintaining between 111 and 116. I have shifted my set weight!!!!! Next is 107 to 113.

[knucklegagging]

Today I didn’t Count ANYTHING

I probably could have just stopped after “I didn’t Count” lol. Still don’t matter bitchessss wassup? Oh ye it’s my weight. Probably. Actually I’m lying I did step on the scale this morning. the past week I’ve been eating a mininum of 2800 calories everyday. And My weight is the same so I’m not gaining. Which makes no sense. Anywhore so today I counted nothing. Mostly toastly because I am sick as a dog in the hot sun after a rainstorm. Droopy nose and all. WEirdly, as chaotic as I am, I feel pretty calm about the food. I’m not even gonna try and tally shit cuz I know whatever it was it’s definitely less than it has been all week. Cuz I swear to effing GAHD I only gain weight when I try to count my calories. Watch me stop counting and next week I’ll reach my goal weight lmfao. Fucking shoot me. right between the church and the synagogue. Get it? Between the temples! My oh my I am a riot. That was a sew is side joke. I’m yoking. I’m yolking so hard my brains are running out liked wet yellow snot on cement frying under a 80 degree sun on a Tuesday. Why is it always a Tuesday? I always choose Tuesday. To stay or not to stay? That is the question. To run.. To bury my head in the sand.... 9and wait for your friggin prom) no I’m so for cereal. Totally Raisin Bran Rice Crsipies watch me snap crackle pop into oblivion. I’m rambling again. Someone really ought to fix that.... 

[knucklegagging]

It’s so hard for me to tell which thing is more the self punihsing: the “restricting” or the “not counting” cuz you could also call those the “watching what I eat” vs “the binging” so it’s like where is the line? My calories today say after having a big bowl of soup, a handful of crisps, a tin of oysters, and a cookie --I’ve somehow managed to over eat by nearly two thousand calories. I feel stuffed with water, but not food. I still feel like I could eat. And that I’d maybe like to. But how can my calories already be this out of sorts from a couple grams here and there of this and that. It’s not like I’m endlessly munching either. It’s broth based soup with nothing but veg. I’m wondering if maybe I am overcalculating. But maybe I am just this fat. In the morning will the scale creep up again? Adn why is it that everytime I stop counting is when I lose the most weight and feel the best, but somehow I can never let myself have that cuz then I just have to get caught up by other ppls’ influence telling me I need to be countign my calories. That if I’m not counting I can’t possibly be healthy. My weight is stable though. I maintain between 116 and 126 day in and day out of my entire life now. Sometimes I’ll drop a smidge in the autumn and winter when I’m too cold to want to eat, and just stay bundled up under the covers sleeping the days away... but I always do put it back on come May. I don’t even think I look that much different. I’m less boney in my ribs and chestbones don’t pop out quite so obviously, but I’m not exactly crazy about the chest cold that come w the weightloss. I never become a body type that is different from my own. I never miraculously get a stomach flu and come out looking like Anne St Marie or any other long-legged spidery model with twig bones and lean lengthy everything. I’m still short and hourglass shaped and I still hate it. I could be putting more energy into putting on toning, that could help the situation. But that happens by accident already so easily that what’s the point. I’m not even comparing myself to women, I’m comparing myself to the men I feel expectations to date. I have a knack for finding my way in w men who spend their entire lives at the gym, and then it’s like this glaring “why is he with THAT” looming over both of us because I don’t have washboard abs too. I don’t even know that I would want them, but I sure damn do feel obliged to prove I’m worth sticking around for. Everyone is always so vocal that they are dating down because I’m not ripped. I would like to say I care none for what people think, and that is largely true, but what people say at me and my partners to our faces or theirs while they think I can’t hear... That shit stings. And I do get nervous. I want to be worth it. I want to stop being cheated on. Maybe if I was skinny or ripped enough ... I’m not even sure. It all feels like self harm to me. If I’m counting my calories then I’m doing the right thing but it just winds up making me hysterical cuz I’m feeling pressured to get as close to my maintenance calories as possible so I retain more muscle. But the more you eat the more hungry you get, so trying to get as close to that line as possible just eventually makes me binge. And I never have this problem except for when I have a fucking calorie tracking app. So why do I do it to myself? Maybe cuz every guy I date plays fucking inquisition about what percent protein I’m getting and how low my calories are at any given day. And they always want to talk endlessly about food. And I’m supposed to match zeal. And they always want you to eat more more mroe more more but stay getting thinner and thinner and thinner and thinner and thinner. I hate men. I wish I could just date women but they won’t even admit you’re more than acquaintances, especially to people that matter to them. I didn’t come out about being a dyke just to be shoved into bicurious asshole bitch’s coffin-sized closets. At least w men you get a shot at them admitting to being w you. They’re less commonly ashamed. Not indefinitely, but less commonly. I wanna crack my skull open and take out everything till I’m nothing left but celery juice. I am so tired. Nothing here is meant for me. I’m just being pulled into other directions all the time until my seams bust and I get torn then they all go about, seeing the mess as inconvenient despite the fact it was their fault. And so I pick up and sew myself all up into stitches again, while they go fuck and cuff the slut they kept telling me I had nothing to worry over. Worse off ppl than me are married twenty years w a million fugly babies that don’t amount to shit and bomb schoolyards and megaplexes. Meanwhile I am stagnant here counting grams and being nothing. And that just doesn’t change. I remain unwanted, groveling for dust, pulling myself into contortions, desperate to be wanted for more than heat. I hate everything about my life. I wish I mattered. Calories aren’t even fixing it. Where did the days go when I got high off not eating for months? I’m not allowed to do that. I’m not even allowed to skip a snack. I’m getting fat and  happiness never exists for me. I hate my life.

[knucklegagging]

Fuck Me.

I Wanna Eat I wanna Eat I wanna Eat I wanna eat Ie wanna EAT I WANNA EAT I WANNAEAT I WANNAEAT i want to eat i want to eat i want the FOOOOOODZZZZZ  

[knucklegagging]

12:08 And I have 44 Calories Left

 This is probably the thing that kills me the most. Breakfast: 44 grams of toast and 120 grams of beans (I think it was kidney. I have to eat them so I can get the rest of the gluten and lecithin out of the house. I have an allergy so this might be counterproductive, but I also don’t want to create food waste so it’s kinda like a catch 22) This would have been 122 for the bread and 174 for the beans, and I’d have been fine with just my 4oz glass of orange juice (55) to take my b-vitamins complex in (Major problem with super low iron lately and the calcium and vitamin c in the orange juice is SUPPOSED to help the absorption... but I still felt exhausted and passed out today once around 8 or 9 am.)

I pulled a nasty-ass grimes and cooked up my bread in one tablespoon of salted butter (100) cuz it’s another thing in the fridge I’m trying to get out of the house, and then I had the rest of this tangerine jam I bought months ago cuz I’m sure it’s on it’s last legs. (167) That brought me to a whopping 618 calories for breakfast.

Lunch: Lunch I’m rounding up on one count, the soup. I made this great beatrice potter soup, basing the herbs and ingredients off her books and subsequent cartoon. I’ll put the recipe below:  It’s 2.5 lbs of fresh beetroot and 45 grams of raisins braised with mint and dill with 1.5 t of parmesan and half a cup of coconut milk (would have been cream but I’m no longer buying dairy, the parmesan was already in the fridge) and you bring that to a boil with some dried basil, thyme, and oregano with a pinch of salt and pepper and grated lemon. When that comes to a boil you turn it down to a simmer and slowly stir in one tablespoon of honey before letting it stew off to the side. Then in a separate pot it’s 24 oz of sweet peas, 2 lbs of sweet corn, 4 stalks of celery, 986 grams of red cabbage (not purple ik they look similar but it does matter. the purple does not mesh well) 303 grams of red onion, and 1.5 T salted butter to first brown the onion, then add the cabbage, and season with basil, a pinch of nutmeg and cinnamon, salt, pepper, a sprig of fresh mint, and more oregano. (ik it sounds weird to have the nutmeg and cinnamon in it but it really is a tiny amount and adds a big difference, making it feel like there’s more depth and warmth to dish without becoming overpowering or adding anything ‘spicy’ etc.You steam the cabbage over the sautteed onion until it’s soft, then you stir in the peas and corn. And while those are going you peel 3 lb of sweet yams, chop em thin, and bake those on 425F with oregono, mint, and dill, w a dash of salt and pepper... and again just a tiny little pinch of nutmeg. Do NOT Skimp On The OREGANO)!! 20-35 minutes later the sweet yams are done, and you throw everything in a crock pot and mix it together a smidge w 10 c of water and your choice of stock/better than bouillon. I used a veggie based fake beef and mushroom blend. Cook that for 4hours and bamo! (On mine it’s “low” but mine runs hot so I’m not sure the perfect temp if anyone does try and emulate this). Anyhow, that gets you 4029 calories for the entire pot (and I’m counting potentially evaporated calories like the T of olive oil I had to grease the yam pan with etc. which is 50 servings of 1/4 cups, at 80.58 calories each. So a “normal” portion of 3/4 c bowl is only 241.74 calories! Anywhore, so I haf one 3/4 cup serving of that for lunch and then 31 grams of corn chips. I rounded up and called this 100 cal per 1/4 c even though Ik that’s false, but it makes me comfortable in knowing I’m definitely not being too liberal w my servings. So lunch was 466 calories. I also have a sore throat today cuz I drew blood the last three nights from my esophagus. ~Ik Ik see a doctor yada yada yada blah blah blah go bye bye now it happens~ So I allowed myself three talll mugs of tea with 1/2 a T of honey each. Each mug is 3 cups of water boiled w an herbal tea bag except for the one black tea which Ik I shouldn’t have had but I couldn’t wake up all day today so I needed SOME Caffeine.  And I had one medium basic red apple, from a brand called “cosmic” which makes me kinda mad at my own stupidity, cuz I thought “cosmic” was a new TYPE of apple I had yet to have before (and I’m a whore for apples. Total massive connoisseur. I have a genuine unadulterated and pathetic obsession/passion for applesand if I knew how to have an orchard that’d probably be my dream job. To eventually create a new breed of apple. Shoot me I’m a reject it’s fine. But whatever so I’m guessing that’s around 100 calories cuz that’s what my calorie counter app said and I don’t want to fixate TOO hard (like this massive ass essay isn’t already me doing so) I also had two cookies. That was legitimately bad. 130 calories of SUCK. And my honey needs today got the better of me so dinner was 1/2 a cup of plain oats with a quarter cup of unsweetened coconut milk, a teaspoon of molasses, a teaspoon of flax, annnnnd cold brew. Cuz mama needs her cold brew. And yes I am saying that in the voice of Louside from Bob’s Burgers rn. Fight me. Ik that I’m below my needs. 44 more calories. And I’ve spent an hour and a half writing this (minus the shower break to try to remind myself how fat I am so I’ll keep going and keep calories away from my big face hole’s gluttonous gob). Somehow this doesn’t count as obsessing tho? Lol I’m such a loser. I’m not hungry, but I’m expecting I’m gonna want more of those chips cuz they’re bloody delicious and they’re what fucked me up last night. ‘just a wafer thin crisp’ fuck me.  The worst thing about this whole ordeal is that the calorie tracker I use says I’m on target to be 107 lbs by December 25th. And I totally get that the slower you lose the better chance you have of a. keeping it off. but more importantly, b. not relapsing with anorexia. But like fuckety fuckety fuuuuck. I want to be 99 BEFORE I move. I know that’s crazyballs butI’m just not enjoying the idea of being fat. Well... my version of fat. Which is a bmi above 19.I just wanna get out of the 20s for bmi and get out of the 120s that my fat fuck binging did me in for last night. Waking up at 122 was a recipe for depression.Recipe below: Stir equal parts of lard with shame in a vad of quicksand over the period of ten minutes. Watch as your life congeals into a blimpie’s ad. Die on the pot, puking at 3 am and upsetting the shit out of your house plants. Rinse, Cycle, Repeat. Definitely debating changing the goal. But I also am well aware I shouldn’t, primarily because I might just cement myself to failure if I try to cut my calories any lower than they already are. 1,590 was today. My budget is 1,634. That sounds like such a lot but I do see myself ramming through it right quick. Fuck I want those goddamn tortilla chips. But I fucking know if I nab em I’ll be threatened over the shower drain again. (Another reason for taking my shower now, before there’s enough temptation come along to purge out). I’m fighting so hard the urge to purge or c&s lately. I just want to stop being a fatty fat PIG. Wish me luck guys. Really trying to get these 14-20 lbs off in a logical and healthy way and not become an advert for death by anorexia. 

[knucklegagging]

So today sucked.

I did well. REally. Up until I had convinced myself I could stop myself w only having a couple of tortilla chips. Then of course somehow that created a binge. Had an extra bowl of veggie soup and with that another 1/3 cup rice.(dry weight) and by then I was already well over so why not throw a whopper’s sized “dollop” of sour cream on the soup and that’s easily another 120 calories. So then you’re sad and you’re fat and your stomach is all bloated from the carbs and no one likes you anyway so like why not keep going and self soothe with a spot of chocolate? No one is ever going to want you so you don’t have to be pretty.  So here I am, gargoyle hunched over the steam rising up out the porcelain tub,dripping wet with a sticky sweat that’s trapped magically underneath my flesh, caught between who I am and who I could be if I could just manage the simplest little spot of fucking self-discipline more days than none. And it’d be so easy to heave it out. It’s already crawling up my throat anyhow, cramming my hands down my throat isn’t even necessary, and Greg Doucette himself said that purging is better than keeping an extra thousand calories in. But what do I do? Like an idiot now is the moment I gussy up the gullet and pull my corset strings up to an erect position, forcing myself to take deep breaths instead of purge. Why? I’ve already failed with the binging, you’d think I’d be smart enough to let the excess come out. Is this the self-punishment? I can’t even tell anymore. Is it worse to force yourself to keep it in? Am I doing this in misery to say “fuck you bitch, wear your shame and work it off.” Cuz if I was kinder to myself maybe I wouldn’t let myself be uncomfortable and hold it all in. I’m making myself fat. I bet I’m gonna be all the ‘weigh’ up into 120 tomorrow. Why do I let myself get this fucked??

[knucklegagging]

I Solemnly Swear I Am Up To No Food!

...and yet I’m still a butterball

[knucklegagging]

After work and I’ve consumed nothing all day other than some soy milk in my morning mountain of coffee to keep the nausea at bay and a sugar-free 10 calorie energy drink :) So proud of me!

[knucklegagging]

Here’s what I don’t understand: I got home completely knocked out and convinced I would take my 900 calories deficit to bed.Did I? Of course not. I had a slice of cheesecake and two packages of buldak ramen, already in a surplus, then I had a hummus wrap and a sausage fried in oil. why? literally. WHY??? I wish someone could explain this to me. Something is so wrong with me. How come I didn’t just go to sleep???? Now I’m gonna have to fast two extra days this month to make up for it. FUCK.

[knucklegagging]

so i binged again

wtf is wrong w me. I have never had this problem before

[knucklegagging]

IMPORTANT!!! Also your teeth will get more damaged because you’re not chewing anything and chewing food keeps your jaw and teeth active. You need to chew in order to strengthen your teeth and jaw!! Otherwise they can get soft, deformed, more susceptible to debris, and over time have a greater chance of falling out. Especially considering what OP mentioned about the STOMACH ACID (sadly I learned this the hard way. My teeth haven’t fallen out thank goodness, but I do know two ppl who it did. And I can see through a lot of my teeth completely because of the gross enamel loss.

Warning for people that are fasting/doing liquid diet!!!

-You probably will thr0w up, cause the stomach acid isn't digesting any food, so it has to go somewhere and do something.

-It took me only 2 full day's of liquid diet to find this out