kylepedia-blog

[kylepedia-blog]

Chariot, The (band)

The Chariot (thuh CHAIR-ee-uht) (2003 - present)

noun. The Chariot is a band from Douglasville, Georgia. They make music that murders. Oh Kyle's god, Kyle's ears are bleeding.

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[kylepedia-blog]

Iniesta Luján, Andrés

Andrés Iniesta Luján (ahn-DRAYS in-ee-ES-ta loo-HAHN) (11 May 1984 - present)

proper noun. Andrés Iniesta Luján is a Spanish midfielder who currently plays soccer for a living for FC Barcelona. He is one of the many incredible midfielders who grew up in La Masia, Barcelona's youth academy, which he joined in 1996 at age 12. Interestingly, as a youth player, Iniesta started as a defensive midfielder, however now he plays virtually every position across both Barcelona and Spain's middle and front 3 formations.

He was born with a skin disorder that makes his body unable to produce melanin, causing him to be very pale. Because of this, he has been given the nickname "El Caballero Palído" ["The Pale Knight"].

He made his professional debut at age 18 in 2002, but did not crack the first team as a regular until the 2004-2005 season, in which he made appearances in 37 out of the 38 league matches Barcelona played that season. He began playing for Spain during the 2006 World Cup in Germany.

Kyle thinks Iniesta is the best attacking midfielder on the planet.

On 11 July 2010, Iniesta scored the winning goal against Holland in the dying minutes of the World Cup Final in South Africa. During his celebration, he took his shirt off to reveal a shirt underneath on which was written: "Dani Jarque siempre con nosotros," [Dani Jarque always with us]. This action was in response to the tragic death of Daniel Jarque i González, an Espanyol player, due to a sudden heart failure.

It was an emotional event prompting Kyle to break down and cry at the time. Further, it sparked an interesting reaction almost two years later at Princeton Theological Seminary's Center for Karl Barth Studies' Annual Conference, in which Kyle's former professor--Adam Neder--said the following during his morning presentation on 19 June 2012:

In case you’re wondering if it’s even slightly appropriate to make a Spanish soccer player the star of a lecture at the Karl Barth conference, all I can say is that the European Championships are happening now, and Spain’s doing pretty well. So if there was ever an appropriate time, it’s now – and at least I had the self-discipline not to wear my Iniesta jersey today. Anyway, as I said, Iniesta is a genius. He’s as good at what he does as almost anyone else is in any field of endeavor. He’s tiny – 5’7 and 140 pounds, with legs so spindly you’re worried they might snap at any minute. But after the Champions League Final in 2009, Wayne Rooney said he thought Iniesta was the best player in the world – better even than Lionel Messi, who lots of people think is the best player in soccer history. The point is, he’s really really good. And because of that he has every reason to be a preening megalomaniac – a narcissist like Cristiano Ronaldo.

But he’s not. In fact, he’s exactly the opposite. Once when he was in a Barcelona restaurant a waitress thought he was the busboy and ordered him to clear a table full or dirty dishes. And without missing a beat, he did. Anyway, in 2010 Spain and Holland met in the World Cup final and played to a scoreless draw. And then in the 116th minute of extra time, Iniesta drifted wide, received a pass, and with a lunging Dutch defender closing in on him, he smashed it past the goalkeeper and into the net. And with that one shot, he won Spain its first World Cup and sent an entire nation into collective ecstasy. No one in sports history has ever been higher than Iniesta was at that moment. He had reached the summit of individual sporting achievement. And then, with more than a billion people watching him, and with a large percentage of those people worshipping him, he ripped off his jersey in celebration and revealed the undershirt he’s wearing in this picture. It says, “Dani Jarque siempre con nosotros” – “Dani Jarque always with us” – a tribute to a friend and former teammate who had died the previous year of a sudden heart attack.

So think for a second about what you’re looking at here. A man prepares his entire life for this moment, and when it finally arrives he manages to hold his nerve and seize it. And with the eyes of fifteen percent of the world’s population fixed on him, what does he do next? He directs all the glory and attention away from himself to someone else. It’s hard to imagine a more vivid parable of self-emptying Christian existence than that. And in that one gesture, Andres Iniesta showed us what it looks like when someone disappears in front of a billion people. And in the slightly less stratospheric contexts of our classrooms, let us pray that God would enable us to do the same.

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updated 23 June 2013

[kylepedia-blog]

Johansson, Adam

Adam Johansson (AH-dum yo-HAWN-son) (21 February 1983 - present)

Adam Johansson, born in Göteborg, Sweden in 1983, is a soccer player that currently plays for Kyle's favorite MLS side, Seattle Sounders FC. He's a right fullback, who likes to make runs forward. He played for two Swedish professional sides before making the jump over the Atlantic to Seattle: Västra Frülunda IF, and IFK Göteborg. He played 7 years in the Allsvenskan with IFK, and then in December of 2011, he was bought by Seattle. Since being brought to Seattle, he's made 6 appearances for the Sounders, having been hampered by a hamstring injury that has left him replaced in the starting lineup by Zach Scott.

He has made 11 appearances for the Swedish national team, making his debut against the USA at the Home Depot Center, home of LA Galaxy.

Kyle thinks he always looks like he just rolled out of bed. Kyle also heard Brad Evans say that Johansson is a nerd, and spends all his travel time with his face in a book.

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updated 23 June 2012

[kylepedia-blog]

The Lonesome Crowded West (LOHN-sum CROWD-ed west) (1997)

noun. The Lonesome Crowded West is Modest Mouse's second LP. It was recorded in Olympia (Kyle's hometown) at Moon Music and Produced by Calvin Johnson (Streeter's brother; not Megatron). It was released in 1997. It features songs such as Teeth Like God's Shoeshine, Cowboy Dan, Convenient Parking (the first Modest Mouse song that Kyle ever heard), and Trailer Trash.

After much deliberation, Kyle has come to the conclusion that this is the best record he owns. It's raw, reactionary, literary, and conjures up emotions in him that nothing else does, save for a few paragraphs in the beginning of Crime and Punishment. That video up top (by pitchfork.tv) does a good job of describing the record. It just flat out kicks so much ass.

If you're the type that thinks Good News for People Who Love Bad News was Modest Mouse's first record, you really should check out their zeroeth, negative first, and negative second record, because they are better than anything since.

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updated 23 June 2011

[kylepedia-blog]

Jesus-Sky-Traveling Day

Jesus-Sky-Traveling Day (JEE-suss skie TRAV-e-ling dae)

noun. Jesus-Sky-Traveling Day is a literal translation of "kristihimmelfartsdag," the Norwegian word for Ascencion Day, observed as the fortieth day of Easter in the Church Calendar.

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updated 16 June 2012

[kylepedia-blog]

Memory, Kyle's first

Kyle's First Memory (Kahyulz furst MEM-oh-ree)

noun. Kyle's first memory involved being on the counter top, being three years old, and being in the massive house in the Brigadoon neighborhood in Olympia, Washington that--at the time--was the living space in which Kyle, both of Kyle's parents, his aunt K, his uncle J, both his grandparents, his aunt's cat, and a few ducks. Kyle was eating Kraft Mac & Cheese, and he, he thinks, purposely knocked his bowl of Mac & Cheese off the counter onto the floor, causing the porcelain bowl to shatter and the orange pasta go everywhere.

Kyle felt no remorse.

In fact, this was Kyle's first understanding of the fact that things get destroyed, and that he had the power to destroy. It was an awakening.

That was the same day he learned the difference between a "headbutt" and a "butthead."

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updated 16 June 2012

[kylepedia-blog]

Olympia (beer)

Olympia (oh-LIM-pee-uh)

proper noun. Olympia Beer ("Oly") is a brand of beer that was brewed in Tumwater, Washington from 1896-2003, and is currently brewed in god-forsaken Irwindale, California. The brewery was started by a German dude named Leopold Schmidt. The brewery's motto, "It's the Water," was established in 1902, and pays homage to the high quality water that comes from the many artesian wells around the Olympia. Washington area. The modern brewery location, about a quarter mile from the site where the original brewery still stands, was established in 1934 after the brewery recommenced production following prohibition.

An aside about the beer itself: It is one of a number of originally-northwest-based brews. It has the trademark piss color. It has the trademark piss taste. It, however, is set apart from the other familiar piss beers like Rainier, Lucky, Pabst Blue Ribbon and even Budweiser, because has the indie cred that those others lack, due to its affiliation with the 1990s grrrl rock scene in the home of the brave: Olympia, Washington (Kyle's hometown). Because of this, Kyle has come to realize that you can tell a true hipster from the poseur hipsters by their choice of drink: If Oly is available, and a self-proclaimed hipster chooses something else, a body has every right to question how hard said-hipster's core really is.

In the '70s, the Olympia brand acquired the Lone Star and Hamm's brands. The Schmidt family sold the rights to Olympia Beer and the brewery to the patently-inferior Illinois-based Pabst Brewing in the early 1980s, but the brewery in Tumwater continued to function. Miller Brewing bought the brewery and the Olympia brand in the early '00s, and closed the Tumwater Brewery on Kyle's birthday in 2003. 

The Tumwater brewery currently sits vacant and decrepit; a horrific and inefficient eyesore in the Tumwater Valley. Kyle thinks someone should buy it and make it into something, because the water rights the property command are worth a significant amount. Unfortunately, Miller Brewing is holding the property hostage, only willing to sell or lease at extortionist prices. This is quite sad to Kyle, because he has happy childhood memories of the whistle at 5 pm, the regular waves of Cascade-hops fragrance, and the brewery's Mr. Rodgers-like tour guide who would take eager kids (minors, obviously) on trips through a strangely forbidden, yet extremely interesting path through the copper boiling vats, as well as the beer-flavored cookies given out for free at the end.

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updated 15 June, 2012

[kylepedia-blog]

Skyrim

Skyrim [SKIE-rimm] (2011)

proper noun. Skyrim is a the fifth video game in the Elder Scrolls series, made by Bethesda Game Studios. It is basically Game of Thrones the video game, and it is mind alteringly open-ended and allows you to basically do whatever the shit you want with magic powers, swords, armor, attack dogs, etc., until you're bored with it. It takes months to get bored with it though, because the map is huge, and Kyle's been playing it non-stop since he got out of law school in the middle of May and still hasn't explored the entire map. He has, however, bought a house in both Whiterun and Solitude, killed shit tons of spiders, bandits and bears, and never once used a potion, a bow, an arcane enchanter or an alchemy station.

Kyle's character is Redguard, he helped Sven instead of Faendal ("Faendal" means "f*ck valley" in Norwegian), and he got the Golden Claw back for the bro in the Riverwood Trader. Other than that, he's just been walking around aimlessly killing everything. So far his character is level 21.

There's tons of glitches. In Kyle's game, one of the billion bears he's killed's carcass is floating in the air near the road between Helgen and Riverwood. Despite the glitches, it's the coolest game in the world, and Kyle can't stop playing it, and every time he sees purple flowers he thinks he should pick them, and every time he sees a mountain, the first thing he thinks is that there's probably a dragon at the top of it.

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updated 13 June 2012

[kylepedia-blog]

Was Kommen Mag

Was Kommen Mag [VAS KOE-men MAHG] (April 2011 - June 2012)

noun. Was Kommen Mag is Kyle's old tumblr blog. It is no longer active. It was a dumping ground of things that Kyle thought made him sound intellectual. It derives it's name from a line in a Dietrich Bonhoeffer poem from 1945 called Von guten Mächten wunderbar geborgen, which reads:

Von guten Mächten wunderbar geborgen,

erwarten wir getorst, was kommen mag.

Gott is bei uns am Abend und am Morgen,

und ganz gewiß an jedem neuen Tag.

It contains political, legal, social, theological, and pseudo-philosophical ramblings, and anything else that sounded interesting to me. It represents a time in my life when Kyle was swamped with law school and needed a creative outlet. Not being a creative person, Kyle stooped to writing his thoughts down in a masturbatory way.

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updated 13 June 2012

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Zhirkov, Yuri Valentinovich

Yuri Valentinovich Zhirkov [YOO-ree val-en-TEEN-o-vitch JHERK-ov] (20 August 1983 - present)

proper noun. Born in Tombov, Soviet Union, Yuri Zhirkov is a left back who currently plays for the Russian Men's National Team. He had an abortive spell at Chelsea during 2009-2010 before he high-tailed it back to the Motherland where he signed for his current club, Anzhi Makhachkala, which is situated in the Caucasus. It is a predominately Muslim area, and "Yurka" (his patronymic nickname) has suffered some serious abuse by Moscow-based Russian fans who have issues with him playing for a Caucasian side. He was at fault for Poland's goal in the Russia-Poland group match in Euro Cup 2012 on 12 June 2012.

He has the funniest last name in the world.

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updated 12 June 2012

[kylepedia-blog]

The Master (2012)

noun. The Master is a film by Paul Thomas Anderson that is scheduled to be released 12 October 2012. The Internet Movie Database has described it as “A 1950s-set drama centered on the relationship between a charismatic intellectual known as “the Master” whose faith-based organization begins to catch on in America, and a young drifter who becomes his right-hand man.”

Kyle thinks there is no way this is not going to be the best movie of the year. Watch that trailer up top. Like, right now. Do it. Now tell Kyle that Joaquin Phoenix isn’t going to win an Academy Award, because Kyle's ready to give the award to him right now. Better yet, Phillip Seymour Hoffman is back working with Anderson, and he’s not even featured in this teaser. He can only make it better.

If that's not enough to make you excited about this project, it's rumored to be about the beginnings of Scientology. Obviously, if the film isn't kowtowing to that rich person's religion, there's going to backlash from Hollywood's weirdest. Tom Cruise has already stated he has "issues" with the film's treatment (you mean, besides pacifism?). It could cause quite a scene. Kyle can't wait.

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updated 12 June 2012

[kylepedia-blog]

Rosický, Tomáš

Tomáš Rosický [TOE-mash ro-ZITZ-kee]

proper noun. (4 October 1980 - present) Born in Prague, Tomáš Rosický is Czech midfielder who plays for the greatest team in professional soccer, the Arsenal. He's a playmaking midfielder that plays in front of the facilitating- and holding-roles in Arsenal's midfield trio. 

He changes direction in attack very well. He's a good passer, and has surprising speed in bursts, which he demonstrated in Arsenal's 5-2, come-from-behind, season-derailing demolition of Tottenham Hotspur on 25 February 2012, in which he picked up the ball on a break at half, drove forward, laid it off Bacary Sagna, skipped through Spurs' box, cool as you like, as if it were as second nature as brushing his teeth, and calmly deposited the return pass past a geriatric Brad Friedel with an ever-so-slight toe poke. It was beautiful, but don't take my word for it, though. You can find out for yourself.

He had a revolutionary year during the 2011-2012 Arsenal season, which saw him make several starts, and really pull the strings for an Arsenal team over-dependent on Robin van Persie in the absence of the injured Jack Wilshere. Pleasantly surprising, really, because Kyle had genuinely thought Rosický had died after he spent over a year out of competitive matches do to a hamstring problem, and the author's obsessive checking of Arsenal's injury reports were consistently yielding no updates on Rosický's status. The only logical conclusion was that Arsenal's FO had made the decision to Old Yeller the suffering Czech while simultaneously protecting their investment, hoping to sell his body in some Weekend at Bernie's freakfest slight-of-hand to God-knows-where in Russia. Injuries are clearly a cause of concern for him, as is evidenced by his twitter account, in which 50 percent of all his tweets reference avoiding injury.

Rosický is currently sitting on the bench, sweating the Czech Republic's poor second half against Greece in Euro Cup 2012. He played the first half, and made everyone else on the pitch look like kindergarteners.

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updated 12 June 2012

[kylepedia-blog]

Kyle

Kyle [kahyl] 

noun. A narrow straight of water between two land masses

noun. The author's name. It's an ok name; it sort of has a cowboy feel to it. There's a nauseating number of people born between the years 1980-1990 that claim the name, and he can't remember going to a class or a job without another Kyle sitting there cramping his onomastic steez. Kyle had a brief spell during his third grade year in which he wanted to go by the shortened form of his middle name--"Jake"--but quickly realized there's a billion Jakes, too.

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updated 12 June 2012