lauraizabela - Tumblr blog

[lauraizabela]

A solar eclipse and the Milky  Way seen from the ISS

[lauraizabela]

TEMPERATURE CHECK no.75

6/10/2023 5:32PM / Remembering oneself is a heavy load. Excuses run out and you are left with the void. That is no way to live a life. And how have I gone from being the one who'd murder herself each night just to win again? This prize offers me no satisfaction, only pain, and so it weighs on me instead. But there are only so many times I can say 'it must be done' without doing it before I run out of time, again. And it does, indeed, need to be done. And I am the only one who can do it well. It is a kind of hell and, with my bare hands, I must carve out a path to go right through.

[lauraizabela]

TEMPERATURE CHECK no.74

28/09/2023 2:24PM / Some things break you in half even if only so slightly. So slightly, he broke me like a twig, said more words. Kiss-words, kiss-words, I've written about kiss-words before, I've written about kiss-words when I was scorned and younger and scolded and scorching, not in love. Somehow more wise. I've already covered love making you dumb, now also betrayed and sad, all by yourself somehow, but the heart is still full of him somehow. And so you wonder. And you ache. I don't want to touch, not to be felt, not to be hurt, no more. Dear Mother, can I just love in peace? Can I be gentle? Please. Because no path feels sacred anymore I am forced to embrace my stillness instead.

[lauraizabela]

TEMPERATURE CHECK no.73

18/09/2023 12:50PM / He asked me to make him a bagel. For work, he said. Would be easier, my life would be made easier if you only did. And it is very hard. Making a bagel isn't. In quiet madness, I sat on it for a little while, imagined, and slowly went to open the fridge, pulled out all the ingredients that he didn't have. I dropped the bread or - rather - let it fall. But I am not cruel, not anymore. Will my life always be like this? Always somehow less when He's allowed more? More food, more friends, more pleasure. More things to stress and worry about. What a privilege to be allowed to feel things fully and so much. But I am being selfish, and after all, it is my fault my heart can carry so much pain. Love makes you foolish or mature into foolishness somehow. Graduate. I do not know. I will marry this man and still not know and it will be good. For as long as I don't know, all will be forgotten. Some adolescent joy. I just wanted to be felt, to live.

[lauraizabela]

Marilyn Monroe photographed by Philippe Halsman for LIFE magazine (1952).

[lauraizabela]

TEMPERATURE CHECK no.72

17/09/2023 1:24PM / I do not find substance in dead things. I cannot love them back to life for they never had it. Let me go again: I do not find substance in unalive things. I cannot submerge myself in them to understand, for I need to experience a complete union with the thingness of it to really know. And perhaps it is a form of knowledge: to learn through feeling rather than in spite of it, without it - the type of learning that is encouraged here and now. The type of here and now that I despise. It is so easy to lose sight of things - and the thing in question - the major Thing - is one's own being. Instead of questioning it relentlessly, why not just be fully. Instead of trying to fit the mould, why not break it? I feel this is the only way to live. Truly, I mean. But how it aches when this world wasn't meant for you.

[lauraizabela]

TEMPERATURE CHECK no.71

15/01/2023 2:50PM / Breakdowns happen so we move on. Divine intervention, they say. And the intervention is, if you care to notice, always to look within. I've been terribly close for so long, I've lost sight of my own eyes. Exhausted. It is only a necessary breakdown of my ways: all my silly, slimy, obsessive ways that worked for a little while, but no longer. I must regain myself at all cost, for where I'm living now is far too in-between and one doesn't like to replicate without reason. How do I rekindle the fire? The fire that has always been a part of my soul. Where to? How long? Oh, the glow. Where have you gone, my little one? I am here. I am loved and standing in my power without fear.

[lauraizabela]

TEMPERATURE CHECK no.70

04/01/2023 03:39AM / I hear a familiar sound and all is love again. To hear the very murmur of your Beloved's breath is ecstasy to a loving heart. It's in those simple pleasures that I know I am alive. It's in those simple pleasures that I continue to strive to love well. There is nothing else, but a simple life full of passion. Longing is merely a sweet anticipation for more incoming sweetness. Blessings are never ending when one has eyes for them. And, as we know, the heart is the only one that sees things clearly.

[lauraizabela]

[lauraizabela]

TEMPERATURE CHECK no.69

02/01/2023 1:56PM / Putting things down has become a strenuous task. Here I mean writing. Here I mean letting go. I hold onto everything so tightly because I'm scared it would go away otherwise. That is a fallacy. This year it is time to be free. May we carry with us nothing except for the love in our hearts, lightness in our step, a sparkle of joy and inspiration in our eyes. Releasing itself is an act of love and it's time it should be embraced wholly. Everything is there to be experienced, cherished as part of life, part of growth. Let all your wands fall down and begin again. Nothing will harm you, it can only ease your pain, for the crown on your head is eternal. Our hands shall no longer be bruised from the pain of holding on. They are ready to receive [sweetness, glee, elation].

[lauraizabela]

TEMPERATURE CHECK no.68

1/01/2023 8:07PM / I am thunderous as ever and yet for so long I could not see. I blindfolded myself and tried to follow pleasure. I grew tired of storms, tired of fire - I wished for pearls and ribbons instead. But my desire is like the sun, bright to a dangerous degree, ever-blazing. Nothing has changed, only now I have an awareness of it. I don't want violence, I want love bites. I don't want to drown, I want to cleanse. A little fire to give warmth, but not to kill is my prayer. Our Lady of the Flowers, these days I only pray to be clean.

[lauraizabela]

[lauraizabela]

TEMPERATURE CHECK no.67

02/07/2021 9:50PM / I am awake and there is a small sadness in my heart. This year has felt like a vacuum for so long, and now I am only forced to go deeper. Velvet Underground’s Jesus is playing in the background and I still feel dizzy.  I don’t want to waste any tears. Affection breaks through even when I am lost at sea, but words don’t reach me: I’ve disassociated myself from them for so long, he tastes like air. And what if I drown again? So what, I want to say. So what. For all those years of sorrow, there is no sin in celebrating something even fleetingly sweet. But, oh dear sister, I might’ve lost myself again. 

[lauraizabela]

TEMPERATURE CHECK no.66

21/05/2021 07:05AM / And you say things are good which they are, but my heart hurts uneven. Ever since they cracked my bones, a day or two ago, I’ve been feeling different. Change scares me -- it resuscitated some kind of melancholy in me. I have no way of diagnosing this little sadness, I thought it was gone for good: for the past countless yesterdays, I’d been waking up euphoric and lovable, adored, indeed I’d been intoxicated to the point of forgetting about the numbness that lives somewhere along my spine. I suppose, in the end, it helps me see all the grieving I’ve been doing behind closed doors, but it still hurts regardless of its name. And I forget that sometimes the sun goes away for seemingly no reason; like a child, I worry it will never return. These storms. I’ve always been the soft one no matter what I say. I miss him fervently. In reality, I miss them both. I just want to be safe, be okay. I contradict myself to no end, but this is just a small portion of my insanity. I can still feel his affection, this warmth, sweet kisses, even from miles away and quiet. I no longer keep myself at a distance: I am within reach, somewhere, in the darkness I stand tall. Because, in the end, I am just a girl. I am afraid. I’m just trying so hard to be good. 

[lauraizabela]

TEMPERATURE CHECK no.65

07/04/2021 6:02AM / I woke up in tears. I woke up thinking, everything is a reflection of a reflection of a reflection and found a mirror at the foot of my bed. I don’t know who I am, I am only repeating all that I once knew. Oh my sweet Lord, my sweet Love—how I wish I could hold his face and take away all fears, how I wish I could pour myself down his throat without saying a single word (without an ounce of hesitation). He says he can’t wait, but I can’t help but feel too dark, too wild, too uncertain and so shaken. I’ve never been so naked and close to being truly held. It’s electrifying, but it terrifies; it feels like a different type of heartache. Oh, but this life is so long and so heavy to bear and I am only at the starting line, no? My edges may still be sharp but I don’t want to cut anyone anymore. Dear Lord, I beg: deliver us from pain, deliver us from evil. Heaven never felt so close. I am afraid, but I’m on my way. 

[lauraizabela]

Bodies afloat. Chaos, a vision of eternity. 1919. Frontispiece, detail. 

[lauraizabela]

TEMPERATURE CHECK no.64

02/04/2021 11:57PM / I don’t need to be bound to feel real. Let me go again: no one can give me anything that I don’t already have. But -- here, mood shifts -- and my heart grows tender. I no longer want to talk about bondage in this way. My baby says he cried and my arms want to bury him in love. Yes, I may be harsh and uncaring like the wind at times, but in the end I cannot deny my gentleness that exists despite, despite, despite. I wish I could inhale all of his ache; I want to give him candy instead, give him sweet milk, flowers, myself. But my baby is brave, he says don’t mind me don’t mind this which makes me want to spend hours upon hours licking his wounds clean until they’re gone without leaving any trace of pain. If I could have it my way, the only mark on his bodymindsoul would be left only by my lips, my obscenity, my fingertips, lovingly. I feel him near me again, another bout of intoxication might be on the horizon and, of course, I am ready to indulge. I just wish I could hold him tonight. A simple wish, and yet so ardent in its simplicity.