lazyhideoutinternet - Tumblr blog

[lazyhideoutinternet]

I just remembered that as a kid my step dad and mom used to call me a human garbage compactor because I never got full and was always eating..

[lazyhideoutinternet]

My bf got mad and now thinks I'm too insecure because I asked him to unfollow all his exs and the half naked chick's he follows.

[lazyhideoutinternet]

My bf is friends with alot of people I dont like and usually when a person is friends with all these people I  just stop talking to them because I have really bad trust issues and I've had alot of my old "friends" talk shit about me behind my back. I already told him that that's what I usually do and I'm really uncomfortable having my friends being friends with all these people and why I feel that way but he doesn't get the point.. and I don't wanna straight out ask him to not be friends with them because of how my ex reacted when I asked him the same thing.. ugh.. U dint know what to do..

[lazyhideoutinternet]

One of the things my parents used to yell at me for most was that I didn't do a lot of things unless I was asked to first.

It was a repeated issue, all throughout my childhood and well into adulthood. "I shouldn't have to ask, you should see that it needs to be done and then do it. I do so much work around here and you're too lazy/selfish/into yourself that you can't be bothered to help."

And like, that's bullshit to begin with, because how am I supposed to know you want me to do something without you telling me first? I am not a mind reader and expecting me to be is unfair.

But here's the thing. There were several periods where I did, in fact, do things they didn't tell me to do. I'd clean things for them, I'd move the big heavy object outside that they'd been putting off for days, I'd make the livingroom look nice and organized and pretty.

And sure, they'd walk in and thank me.

But it never stopped them from yelling at me the next time they decided I should have done something that I didn't do.

I'd do all these things, but oopse, I didn't wipe down the counter too. I didn't wipe down the counter, so I was lazy and selfish and the worst child to have ever been born and so ungrateful for what I had because I never helped out.

And you know what they'd say, when I pointed out all the other things I had done throughout the house? Things that they knew of, and had initially been happy for?

They'd say, "it doesn't matter, I didn't ask you to do that."

Doing something without being asked first didn't count for anything. Cleaning the whole house didn't keep them from screaming at me and telling me how awful I was for not doing whatever specific thing they decided I should have done.

And eventually I just gave up doing anything unless I was told to. I was going to get hurt and abused either way, why should I go out of my way and exhaust myself when nothing I did mattered?

Essentially their stance was, "I shouldn't have to ask you, but if you do it without being asked then it doesn't count and I'll find a different reason to hurt you."

Nothing I ever did was good enough.

[lazyhideoutinternet]

[lazyhideoutinternet]

When he says that he doesn't use certain apps only to see that he actually does use them.

[lazyhideoutinternet]

Me: Tells my mom the guy she has over was trying to get with me at the beginning of the year and I feel uncomfortable with him being here.

Her: Aw sorry sweety thanks for telling me.

*let's him stay for almost a week*

...

[lazyhideoutinternet]

Used to go 30-10. Now I can barley go even lol