legionsandmultitudes

[legionsandmultitudes]

i don't want to be sober, but i'm sick of being hungover

my drinking has gotten out-of-hand in that past 8 months or so. i wish i'd never gotten so deep. my addictive tendencies are just a terrible issue.

i've been trying to stay sober for about 2 weeks and have flopped constantly. my longest stretch was 4 days. a huge success given my usual 1 day max. but i constantly go back and forth between wanting to be sober and want that sweet buzz. but my fear of losing the buzz turns into binge drinking, into slurred speech, into embarassaring myself, into hiding my drinking, into forgetting important moments.

i'm working with my therapist. luckily, my mania med is only amplified with alcohol.

[legionsandmultitudes]

But I am about to head to bed. Where I can't sleep but the 5 hours will feel like nothing and I'll wake up feeling like I got 1.

[legionsandmultitudes]

A testament to my content variety. My 7-year-old gave me his extra fishing supplies today (mothers day) and my husband gifted me (not as mother's day) a sick rod and reel and damn, I feel loved.

[legionsandmultitudes]

i've recently started to think that, maybe, the spoon theory is for me too. i have bipolar 1, ptsd, and chronic pain with a hella scoop of imposter syndrome.

but like, yeah, ive got chronic health disorders that burden me on the daily in ways that i dont full get

realizing that doing my best doesnt mean running myself into the whole damn ground is terrifying and enlightening

[legionsandmultitudes]

i should do a tipsy tattoo tour, right?

[legionsandmultitudes]

I love people who say shit like, "choose happiness!".

as if I saw happiness on the menu and said, "none for me thank you. I will have the anxiety with a side of bpd please."

[legionsandmultitudes]

[grabs your shirt] listen. listen to me. the practical is holy. the everyday is sacred. the simple act of surviving is divine. do you get it? sanctity begins at home, in the hands that build and the lives we live and the deaths we die and the worms that eat our bodies. if making something by hand is not worthy of veneration then nothing is.

[legionsandmultitudes]

Growing up, I - and I know a lot of people - were taught that shoving your mess into the closet, under the bed and moving the mess "out of sight" rather than cleaning it was "cheating" and "lazy", but honestly - especially when you are mentally ill - being able to declutter your space and move it out of sight can make a world of difference. If all you can do is move it out of sight, do that, there is no shame in taking care of yourself.

[legionsandmultitudes]

do not use them as such!

☕✨

[legionsandmultitudes]

before going anywhere i ask myself "would i be bullied in middle school for wearing this?" if the answer is no then i change

[legionsandmultitudes]

[legionsandmultitudes]

going to therapy is so humiliating. gotta explain symptoms like I know how this sounds and I know what you’re gonna say. and the therapist is like it sounds like you’re having symptoms

[legionsandmultitudes]

We got married just over 9 years ago. And here I am, in the home he built me, with our boys playing in the loft, while I clean the kitchen and sing songs we played at the wedding.

[legionsandmultitudes]

I feel a bit fragile today. time to implement what I’ve learned and show myself compassion. gonna have a bath, eat some good food, try to take it easy at work this afternoon. listen to some comforting music, take a walk perhaps. but mainly to acknowledge that it’s ok to feel like this. that it will pass. that I will be ok.

[legionsandmultitudes]

*shaking and sweating and clinging to sanity by my fingertips* you're normal you're so normal you are Normal and capable of having proportionate, reasonable reactions to and feelings about things

[legionsandmultitudes]

hot girl summer is over it’s officially time for haunted whore halloween

[legionsandmultitudes]