leszliedeluca-blog

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My father I (3/16/18)

Im writting alot tonight lol well got alit running threw my mind. I couldve made this all one blog but i lik to keep subjects separate best i can. Anywho my father. He is very much about his image, he always told me i had to dress my best and act right because people r judging him as a father by how i act. He made fun of the way i walked since i was 4 and he amd my sister would taunt me yelling gay slurs at me. At 4 years old.. My first memories were being called gay and talked down to. My father threw victorias secret magazines in my face amd screamed at me to like it. Im sure thats not tramatic to many of u but it was to me. My first memories were fights between my birth mother (refer to her as this cuz sometimes i call my step mom,mom. But shes a bitch too. Anywaysss) and my father, my father yelling at me for stupidest reasons and my step father abusing me. My father used to take me to the changing room and made me change infront of him no matter how much i told him i could do it myself and i didnt want him there. He took me to the bathroom and made me pee with him. Looking back its the parent who should hold it un and let their child go first. I would, and i wouldnt stare at my child while they peed. That was only a few times tho. My father talks shit to my face telling me what to do, threatening to kick me out if i take a job he doesnt approve of... But to the rest of the family and his friends he brags at what a success his kids r.. How hid superior parenting skills brought us to out accomplishment. This man is no father of mine. This is no family of mine. Once i leave this place even if i end up alone i will be my family. Luckly im not alone right now. My boyfriend is my family and i am his. My grandmother told me when i was young to not care about what others think. To most importantly look out for urself and put urself first. Thats why im still here. Even tho its killing me there r still too many benefits to living in this hell. I spend as little time as i possibly can at home and try to only come here for sleep. I kno this will be my last year here. My family didn't even mention my birthday this year sadly but its ok. I did and im a better family than all of them put together

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The Heir (3/16/18)

My sister had a baby boy. She gave him his first name then his middle and last r the same as my dad. I guess he finnaly got what he always wanted. He holds him and cares for him cuz he knows now his name will live on. He always told me when i was young it was my duty to marry and have children so i can pass on his name. Not knowing i fully intend to move far away and change my name. I dont care weither or not his name lives on but it is one of the most important things to him. I just wanna live my life for me. If my nephew wants to carry on my fathers name i hope he finds happiness in that. If he doesnt care to i hope hes strong enought deny my father and live for himself. My family can be over barring lik im sure alot of ur families r. They might as well have poured those pills down my throat themselfs or held my hand while i slit my wrist or held me underwater when i tried not to float back up

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Patience (3/16/18)

It takes alot to sit and smile day after day. Ur family treats u lik an employee, barking demands at u instead of asking nicely. Thats one thing i definaly wont miss. Soon im just going to run away from it all. Disappeare... Im not suicidal lol so dont think this is a cry for help. Although i have had suicidal tendencies all my life. Practically born with a severe case of depression... But i kno once i leave that will cure everything. I'll run away from this abuse and belittlement become a missing person to them.

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You are here (3/10/18)

Cleaver title lol no its not but its mine. I want to say ill never lie to u. Ill tell u the truth as best i can when i can. I kno thats kinda sketchy but i wont lie. I want to spill everything to u. Im a very honest person but in due time. This still is a new thing for me and there is an element of damger if i let things slip right now so maybe ina week or two when i see how this goes ill tell the full truth but for now i hope ur ok waiting. Currently laying in bed trying not to drop my phone on my face lol. I hear my family talking amd laughing in the livingroom. And i lay here in the dark. Up too late cuz i have work early in the morrning. Lol so borring im sure u dont care what im doing while im writting this but im just trying to give context. This is my life. My family in the livingroom talking and laughing while i close myself in my room. Here im safe. Safe from judgment and direct attacks. Not physical attacts but verbal abuse which i feel is worse cuz i carry around their comments all day with me. Wounds heal and they can only get me when im close. Words follow u for life. I think thats it for tonight. Not the best read but hopefully ur intrigued. If not thank you for ur time. By the way im not looking for pitty or anything. I purly want to document whats about to come and connect with u. This isnt a pitty party, its one human putting it all out there hopeing similar people find him.. And ill be here to tell u ur not alone. Maybe if i get out of this it can show u ive been there too.

[leszliedeluca-blog]

Something a little different, the truth.

Im not gunna lie, im not the best writer nor speller, and my grammar sucks... But if u would lik to id love to have u with me. For some reason i got the desire to do this. Im going to share with u everything. I want u to comment and join me on this journey. Currently im planning an escape. I have a job, a boyfriend and a plan. Im currently living with my family. Like most people i feel im not living my life the way i want. If thats u too then i kno u have the feeling certain things r out of ur control. If thats not u then im so jealous and i want to take control of my life. Whichever grouo ur in tho i hope u come with me on this journey and enjoy urself lol how rude. My name is Addison, and were gunna get out of here.