lifes-little-pin-pricks

[lifes-little-pin-pricks]

Can Do Attitude

Before we get to my ramblings... This quote kinda hits my hard.. Because I'm still trying to understand my mind.

--------------------

I've been trying to assess what it is about the actresses that I like.

The ones that I wish I could be like.

June/Anne Lockhart in Trolls (1986)

Michelle Rodriguez in

Resident Evil

Fast and Furious

Jane Seymour in Dr. Quinn

Jessica Biel in Blade 2

Jennifer Lopez in Enough

Mary Stuart Masterson in Fried Green Tomatoes (Idgie Threadgood)

Lori Petty in In the Army Now

I don't know.. I'm sure theres more - But.. These are the ones I thought of currently. What trend do you see in these characters?

I think …. I THINK… I might have figured out part of it…. They didn’t seem afraid.

The 'CAN DO' attitude with the ability to ACTUALLY 'DO'

There is a Presence to them. When they talk, people listen. When they walk in the room, they draw eyes (even if its just to notice them and nothing more). They could kick your ass in some way be it with knowledge wit or fists. Nothing gullible about them. Always had some kind of strategy for situations they knew were going to be ugly.

Well Hell! - I'm in the middle of work and this thought crossed my mind and I started writing and now it's going down a damn rabbit whole with water dripping from my face.  Hell of a way to start the day. I notice my head feels like a lot went through it, but looking back, I've barely said a thing. It feels like a lot to me.

Anyways… These People… Characters, that I aspire to be like… They were SEEN.  They didn't have to be mean about anything, but they could still make a very sound point. They were the ones that would catch the fist that wanted to punch them, or someone else and spin it around, Capable.

I don't know what that says to me though.

This  reminds me of how invisible I felt most of my life.

I considered maybe it was because these characters were strong, could whoop some ass. But I don't think that is it at all. It never felt quite right, and I didn’t have any reaction to that thought. But this one… Has me feeling very broken.

I noticed recently  how I promote this invisibility.  I'm working very hard at not feeling like if someone thought of me, that I have been an inconvenience to them. Accepting Compliments and the want to hang out with me instead of feeling like all interactions with me are more out of pity than actual enjoyment.

I can already hear my friends clamoring to say that is so far from the truth. And While I think a part of me knows this, its super ingrained in me.

"Oh! Don't fuss over me, I'll be fine" - Physically. I always look at Physically I will be fine. Never really considered Mental health.

"Oh! You didn't have to go through the trouble for me!" - Please - don’t put effort into making me feel like I exist. And yet - here I am yearning for that.

Effort.

I also I go for things that are "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain" Gigs.  I wall flower or over share or feel like I suck the oxygen out of the room. For a JOB - I like the behind the scenes stuff, I even like being the agent level. But there is seldom recognition when you are the man behind the curtain. Seldom seen/noticed to be anyone.

You  don't make much money in those gigs. I hate being a Supervisor with required coachings and things like that. Its not natural. I will teach those who WANT to learn, I'm not going to force an uninterested party to pay attention just because its their job.  I'm Rambling and being very tangenty.

I had a conversation with my partner the a little while back about how I put so much into what I give. The thought.. Making sure whatever IT is, is carefully planned out to ensure that what ever I give is useful.  Ugh - I'm not explaining this well at all. At least this part. So were skipping it. You still get the mess of it though. Because - this is my blog. And yeah - it might be a diary/journal, but… Why do these have to be secret? Isn't seeing in other peoples heads sometimes helpful? To know you aren't alone? That you can find solace that you aren't the variant (so to speak)  or maybe you want to be the variant.  Or maybe you don't compare yourself to others because you have finally broke through this lack of self esteem and whatever else is the issue with us. Yeah. US.

You are part of this club whether you like it or not.

So on of the dawning realizations about these women.

They walk into a room with a plan and can execute that plan, They are determined, They Follow Through, Strong, Can use your help or do without it. They are what I would call "Bad Ass" - though I have learned in my years that not everyone defines things the same way.

Bad Ass: (My Definition): Strong, No Bull Shit, Catches Lip and Gives Lip back, Not Naïve, Action, Can hold their own in battle of wits, fists or otherwise. Skills that surprise others.  So I guess…. Well rounded? 

Ugh -- Inspiration to write has faded… Going back to work now LOL

[lifes-little-pin-pricks]

Seek to Understand

I remember a conversation I had with my aunt and uncle. I was driving and hadn’t spoken to them in a long time and figured I’d give them a call. (I had about 50000 hours of driving ahead of me to. Please  note… that is all sarcasm. But… it was a long drive none the less.)

I came across this quote and it immediately reminds me of this conversation. I love my aunt and uncle to the moon! He has been my favorite uncle since I can remember. There are soooooooooo many fond memories I have of him and all of them I treasure.

Age has a way of changing people. The wisdom we get from the people we surround ourselves with and the echo chambers we create to avoid the things that annoy us. Over the years, My Aunt and Uncle changed and so did I. We don’t see eye to eye on everything and that’s fine.  I don’t expect anyone to believe or think the way I do. Actually I think I kind of hope no one does, because my head is quite the burden.

Anyways. I’m all over the place, trying to collect my thoughts to write this and trying not to have Niagara falls spewing from my eyes.

During the call we talked. (Right! Because what else are you going to do on a call? Grunt? Sing? Dance??? … Okay, yeah you can do all of these, but … you get the point)

We talked a lot about the differences we had and I remember being asked if I was recording the conversation.  I had to explain that I was very curious about the thought process, the path that led them to the opinions they had for the topic we were discussing.

I remember the pause I took when being asked, it seemed like a while to me, but it could have just been a millisecond. I was sad. Because in that split second I understood how much people throw accusations and point fingers and judge without ever trying to understand. And it leads us to distrust people who legitimately want to understand.

I may not agree with every topic discussed, that should be okay. I mean. I’m okay with it, Not sure about other people, but it should be okay. We should still be able to be friends, co-exist etc. I don’t need to hate your guts, and we can still have mutual respect. The goal should be ‘Seek to understand’.

So, While we may not agree on everything… When I inquired about the path that lead them to their opinions on the topic we were discussing. It was easier to take a step back and see that – really, we did agree on the topic, just not the journey.  The end goal is still the same, the approach is just different. It was nice to see that part of my aunt and uncle.

In the end… I’m sad that differences push people apart.

[lifes-little-pin-pricks]

Bending an Ear

I’ve got a cluster of things I’ve been wanting to write about but haven’t really had the time. Having such a large collection of friends is not something I’m used to. But that isn’t what we are here to talk about.

Were here to talk about that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach. The deep down feeling of the bottom dropping out. The feeling of helplessness as you watch events unfold that you’ve been through knowing that there is nothing you can do other than talk and be there for when things might get ugly.

I have built in me this need to provide protection for anyone. But I also understand that people are going to do what people are going to do. Life Lessons need to be made and mistakes need to be experienced. There is absolutely no way you can put anyone you care for in a plastic bubble for their safety. That’s not a life anyone should have to live if they have a choice.

The most we can do is provide our experience, let them know things to look out for, love them, be there for them, and let them make their life. What we experienced may not be the same, we can only base our assumptions on the experiences we have had and while we can make educated guesses. We aren’t always right. Our age and the wisdom we collected along the way isn’t going to help anyone that can’t see the fact that what lays ahead may be daggers. We can provide them some things to look for, to help keep them safe. We can help provide them an ear, and arm, a shoulder and a safe place to come without feeling judged.

These things would have helped a vast majority of us had we had anything resembling acceptance and understanding while we grew up.

I’ve said a few times now …. No one gets through life without trauma.

It’s kind of disheartening. But what could a world filled with safe spaces, actual support, from not just family, but everyone. What would a world look like where the goal was to uplift the people around you and not compete to tear them down. I know I will never see this world. But a “Me” can dream. Right?

As a young me, I felt pressured to be interested in things I was not. To put on a face that was socially acceptable. I became what people thought of me. I became what I hated. It left me feeling hollow, empty, used, dirty, fake, and extremely lost.

I wanted to find my safe space and every time I tried I would get thorns and the effort of trying to find it was exhausting. Being behind the mask seemed almost effortless after a while. I accepted things I would never expect another person to accept or experience. And each time I turned more and more inward.

If I could express to anyone…. if I could give anyone an ‘epiphany’ by some means where a light bulb clicked and you could see that you are worth being valued by the people around you and those you hold dear. They should never make you feel ‘less than’. They should not be draining, it shouldn’t be an effort to be around them. When you think of spending time with them, it is a joy and not a sigh of reluctance.

I never thought something like this would have been possible. Likely never back home. (at least I feel this in my soul) But I’ve found it. My Partner is my safe space. Where ever he is, I know that I will have someone in my corner and someone to smack some sense into me when I’m being nonsensical or need a check because I’ve decided to run my train and mach speeds.

The friends we have made here are just as much a safe space, but in different ways. To have a friend understand when you just don’t have the energy for plans that were made, not having to make up excused. you just don’t feel like doing it and want to stay home. Having them understand and follow it up with an open invitation if anything changes. and legitimately mean it. It’s pretty amazing.

I am starting to run down the rabbit whole of wanting to provide every amazing example I’ve had with the friends we made so I don’t forget any of them. but thats not what this post is about.

So I need to end it here. I hope you enjoyed the read. I hope you get something out of it.

[lifes-little-pin-pricks]

Realizing you stopped being you

You ever sit back and realize how much of yourself you mute, hide or erase to appease the people around you?

I had a realization about a few things I stopped doing because of ...

People bitched about it

Social Norms dictate its not appropriate

Overheard another person bitching about someone else doing *thing*

You judged people for it, because you were taught judging is appropriate

Enter other random shit here.

Some of the things I've realized so far...

Listening to a song a repeat. - They get stuck in my head, or I enjoy singing them, dancing to them, or they just have a mood/feel about them.

Having music play 24/7. When watching tv, when company is over, when I'm sleeping, showering, reading, traveling etc. I used to have music on all the time.

Loud Music (Yes there is a trend... lol ) Being able to FEEL the music. I remember as a teenager going to a club and sitting in front of the speakers. The feeling of the vibrations and bass and changes in the thumps... I'd compare it to a REALLY good Full body/head high.

Random Urges - I used to do this A LOT and I'm sure some of my friends from my high school days remember the random urges I would get.. Like... "Can I bite you"? "Can I lick your face?" "Can I Squeeze you?" Yes, I always asked... If I was told 'no' I respected it, but remember having to expel that urge some where, which usually resulted in shaking my hands or jumping up and down. I vaguely remember the latter part. But I'm always up for anyone sharing stories of what they remember :) (I actually kinda would love to hear your memories about me! It would help me feel more 'seen' - currently being vulnerable and saying what I actually want... not back spacing.. not gonna back space.!!! NO BACK SPACING!

UGH - I suppose I should end this here because I will end up back spacing. I might update this with some more.

[lifes-little-pin-pricks]

A little bit of ME in YOU

It is unbelievably endearing when you see someone you care about and are very familiar with pick up habits from you. When it just starts, you know its out of character for them.

I sit back and smile, quietly hoping they keep doing it, but knowing that it is either a conscious or subconscious nod to me.

It feels good. Extremely endearing. For someone like me who craves confirmation of peoples love in their actions, this is beautiful to me. It shows they are thinking about me, with out them saying as much. It says that they like that part of me.

At least.. That's what I hope it is - and I'm going to keep seeing it that way.

Also, Thank you for thinking of me. It's the little things that mean the most to me!

[lifes-little-pin-pricks]

A Party from a different perspective

Parties from my youth were filled with anxiety. How do I 'not' feel like an outsider? How do I interact with people I'm just meeting? How do I not be a wall flower? How do I not trip over myself, tongue, others etc.

I was great at trying to be funny or engaging but it always seemed to end up with someone injured on some level. If I tossed a pen over to someone they'd probably end up with it lodged in their elbow or something. If I turned my head because someone said my name or wanted my attention - somehow, my hair would end up in their eyes.

I was a very gifted kind of klutz.

Parties also included make out sessions and grabbing and groping or people sneaking away to do more, sometimes not going away at all.

It seemed that at every party there was always at least 2 sets of people at this. It was the focus of everything it seemed back then. Who can we hook up with, get cozy with.. in hopes of....

This could also just be the perspective of a person suffering from triggers and being hyper aware. But Hyper aware doesn't make the fact those actions still occurred and made me extremely uncomfortable and self aware.

The party this past weekend was a far cry from anything I've experienced. I can't say that I've been at a house party from start to end where I felt 100% comfortable. Apart from last years Halloween party, its been a good 15 years since I've been at some kind of house party.

I felt like a social butterfly this time. I felt comfortable, safe and seen.

The seen part is weird for me and beyond endearing. My heart melts at the considerations people provided to me during the party. Those that knew me and knew my triggers and whether it was intended or not, I noticed. I've even gotten teary eyed a few times there and all day today, and yesterday, just thinking about it.

I am struggling to think of a specific example. More so, on how to word examples suffice to say, it was nice.

What was even more amazing, is it didn't feel like anyone was left out. I didn't see a single person sitting alone, looking lost, worried or feeling out of place. I didn't see anything predatory going on or anyone being disrespectful to the host or house or anything else.

A lot of laughter, conversations, chilling, making new friends, enjoying some good food, drinks, some weed and just an awesome night. I even had the opportunity to help with hair and clothes for some friends and some stranger let me play with their hair for probably a good 20 min. (its been ages since I've been able to play with hair! )

40 + Years, I've never felt more at home than I do every day that I live here. The friends I've made, the Family I've created. It feels absolutely amazing. Experience certainly makes life easier to enjoy.

[lifes-little-pin-pricks]

Same Experience - with Experience

When you are young you have inexperience, society's expectations, and ourselves (the demons that live in our heads) pushing us along and l helping you make decisions.

As an adult, re-experiencing situations that you've reflected back on over the years is ..... interesting to say the least. Maybe someone jarring when you realize it too.

Taking a step back from the moment your in, to realize..... "Shit, this is just like that time........ xyz" A Reminder of how it felt then, and comparing it to how it currently felt.

It was like this moment of weird 'feelings' time warp.

I remembered what made me feel uncomfortable then and if it made me uncomfortable now. I remembered what I wished I could have done, or how I wish I could have acted, stood up for myself, or not been hypersensitive to.

It was great to feel more in control of my life. It was AMAZING to be surrounded with people who I didn't feel would leave me 'unsafe' to continue to party. And Unbelievable to know that my partner was looking out for me and that I can trust him completely.

If I could talk to young me:

Don't do anything you are not comfortable with. EVER... Regardless if a family member/adult etc says its okay.

If you have to make excuses to 'not' see someone, consider why. Friends should lift you up, not zap your energy.

Family is no different than strangers. You just spend more time with them. You aren't required to be there for them anymore than they are for you. The same applies to other people in your life.

NEVER give more than you are willing to lose. You will never lose a friend this way when they aren't able to pay you back.

If you don't 'VIBE' with someone, it's okay. Don't go anywhere alone with them and you CAN opt to hang out if they are going to be around.

If anyone says that you are being a prude, over reacting, being a bitch for laying out boundaries to keep yourself and your mental health safe.... They either want to learn and grow in understanding or... are not your friends.

Name Drop a few people to stay the hell away from.

Don't take french classes just to be different from your family... Spanish will be much more useful - stick with those classes.