lissshea22 - Tumblr blog

[lissshea22]

Why are memories so strong

I mean yes some memories I never want to forget

But others I want to erase from existing

And yet here I am at 2am thinking

Just remembering memories of things

I once knew and loved

Remembering the woman I once was

She would tremble Under the woman I am today.

She would never believe we were the same

I only vaguely remember me before him.

She was sweet and trusted to much

She is but a memory

[lissshea22]

I keep reading things

Things that make me think of you

I read stories of things you like

I read poems that hurt me

Because they make me think of you.

They make me think of all the ways you hurt me

All the promises you made me

Sometimes I worry that I love you too

That maybe I should wait for you

But I know that’s silly.

I shouldn’t be upset

I’m allowed to remember you

Remember us even

But damn do I wish I could forget us

Forget you

Forget 3 years of my life

You damaged me more then I realized

I’m trying to fix my self

Slowly but surely I’ll get there.

[lissshea22]

[lissshea22]

“You do care. You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”

— J.K. Rowling

[lissshea22]

Left

If you had never left I’d be a wife. We’d have kids and I’d be going to school. I’d be a different person. But you left me and now I question my worth everyday.

[lissshea22]

Love

It’s funny for a long time I had an idea of what love was. I kept telling my self I’d know when I found the one. Let me tell you I was so fucking wrong. He taught me love. He gives me undivided acceptance. Yeah he gets angry at me and oh hell yeah we fight. However he always wants to cuddle at the end of the night. Always wants to kiss me even when I’m slowly dying. He wants to be around me no matter what. Like this kid loves me so much he actually wants to marry me. Like it isn’t all talk with him. If it were up to him we’d already be married and that just baffles me. How did I find someone to love me so much when I don’t even fully love my self??? Y’all I for real can’t wait to marry him.

[lissshea22]

Love

Why did you fall out of love with me? When I was so deeply in love with you. I cherished every moment we had together. You took those moments and crushed them. I smile when I look back at them and they make me weak. You look at them with hate. Did you fall out of love with me because I’m to loud ? Well I’m sorry but I was constantly told to be quite so when I finally found my voice I wanted to use it. When I finally had the strength to use my voice I wanted to use it nonstop. When I finally stood up to the people who constantly told me to shut up I wanted my voice heard. You didn’t seem to mind when it was moaning your name but when it told you it was upset. Oh man was it dramatic and loud and overthinking. Did you fall out of love with me because I was depressed? I was depressed when we met, however you became my sunshine. You became my world and everything revolved around you. I was depressed because I was pushed down. I was depressed because I was told to kill my self. I was depressed because I didn’t know who I was. I was depressed because you were depressed and I wanted you to feel better. I was depressed because that was all I knew. Did you fall out of love with me because I got bigger? I didn’t mean to gain that weight, I tried hard to get it off. I lost 20lbs in a month for you. I wanted you to love me. I tried to not let my depression get to me. I didn’t want to eat all that food. But at least it made my boobs bigger right. Did you fall out of love with me because I didn’t like sex? I hated sex, I still do hate sex. I hate how dirty it makes me feel. I hate the memories it brings back. I hate the way it makes me feel. However I would grit my teeth and smile and moan your name all day just to make you happy. I hate sex and you knew that and yet I still had sex with you whenever you wanted it. I would do anything for you and I was stupid and thought you felt the same way. I never fell out of love for you. Not when you cheated on me with some random girl over the phone. I didn’t leave you when you called me a bitch and screamed at me. I didn’t leave when you treated me as if I wasn’t important because I blamed my self. I constantly blamed my self for everything that was wrong. However I love you. I love you with everything in me and yet I hate you. I’m slowly falling out of love with you. I’m trying to forget you. Forget you touched my body. Forget you kissed my lips. Forget you were inside of me and forget your laugh. Forget your smile and the way you made me feel. I’m slowly trying to forget it all.

[lissshea22]

send help; i’m not me anymore.

i write for a lot of reasons; mostly because it makes me feel, but lately i don’t want to do it, and that’s how i know i’m getting bad again. when the one thing i used to love is now something i don’t even want to think of.

[lissshea22]

“Forever stuck in loop My minds repeating thoughts like my life is repeating scenarios. Damned for life thats what i am. Will it ever end or will i get used to suffering. My eyes ran out of tears for gods sake will it stop? Will it stop hurting so much and everything being the same? Will it keep going for everyone and for me its just looping? Im so lost in my own mind because its so tricky and wide. Its dark and scary too. I get lost in it and cant escape. I never did. Tripping and falling on my own feet. Bleeding and crying till my hands cant meet. When will it ever stop im growing weaker and weaker Sometimes i feel like im disappearing a little by little And all that is left of me is this damned raging mind. Sometimes i wonder if there was more to me but it was lost and i cant remember. And it makes me scared to think that maybe tomorrow i’ll wake up with a lesser me and cant remember either. Maybe someday I’ll Disappear into the Sun.”

— -HY

[lissshea22]

Me

You might not see it but I’m running. In my my I’m constantly running from this monster. This monster that I can’t get rid of. You left it there well all of you left it there as you slowly left me. Every time you said good bye and never came back. Every time you said I love you but I knew you didn’t mean it. Every time you screamed at me because you let the alcohol take over. All of you left me with this little monster in my head. A monster who will one day get me. None of you will be there to save me because you are all to selfish. That and I won’t let any one know the monster has gotten me I will just try my best to put a smile on my face. You have all become strangers to me and soon the monster will be my only friend.

[lissshea22]

““Boys have no idea how long their words can stay in a girls mind.””

— Kathy B.

[lissshea22]

“‘Why do you write sad things?’ he asked. ‘When I am here, when I love you.’ Because someday, in one way or another, you will be taken from me or I you. It is inevitable. But please understand; from the moment I met you, I stopped writing for the past. I no longer write for the present. When I write sad things, I am writing for the future.”

— Lang Leav

[lissshea22]

Missing you

I love you but that’s doesn’t matter. I miss you but that doesn’t matter. I’m unhappy but that doesn’t matter. I’m depressed but that doesn’t matter. You left. You left me alone and turned me into a different woman. I want you but you hate me. I want to be happy but I can’t be with out you. I miss you but I’m trying

[lissshea22]

Miss you

God do I miss you. Everyday I still think about you, wondering if I could have changed any thing. Wondering if I could still change things. Wondering why it happened the way it did. Wondering why I wasn’t enough. I loved you. I gave you my everything just to have you destroy me.

[lissshea22]

Ruins

There you went, destroy something that was yours, burn down the house of the small Village I call me. You left me in ruins. You slowly went around and burned each house watching family flee from you. I stay around and tried to put out the fires you started but I couldn’t fix the damage you caused. No matter how hard I tried. It’s funny because I watched you destroy these buildings and I didn’t stop you because I wanted you happy. I made those villagers do everything for you. They twisted and turned to your every command. Every time you wanted a back rub or sex they were there to please you. Every time you want food or wanted to be alone they did it. You didn’t appreciate it though, you wanted a different village. You wanted something new. Instead of working it out you fought the village. You made the village cry and slowly destroyed it. Truth is you never loved the village. As much as the village loved you, it was never going to be enough for you. You looked at the village as more of a burden than anything else. However it’s funny you destroyed the village and it was rebuildt even stronger. The village has learned to be careful who it brings in. It’s careful who it shares it home with. The village came back more confident then ever. The village came back knowing who it was and was even more in love with its self then before. The village will never be the same. You aren’t welcome in this village any more, as much as it craves you some days you can’t come back. The village has learned that you will just burn more buildings every time you come around. You had chances to come back and fix the wrong you caused to the village and you chose to ignore the damage. You chose to ignore the ruins you caused. Instead pretended to be happy about the village rebuilding. You chose to be happy with in a new village. You left me in ruins and I rebuilt better then ever. To think I let you in and take everything just to have you put my life in ruins. Never again. Never again will a man put me in ruins.

[lissshea22]

[lissshea22]

Breakup.

You left , you left me like I was nothing to you. After three years I was nothing to you but a stranger. And I fought for it. I fought so hard for us but that was the problem only I fought. You had given up on us. You have given up on us. You don't care about me like I do you. You don't love me any more and it's been a month and it hurts me more and more every day. I want you happy. I want you to find the girl of your dreams. I want her to be me but it won't be. Because I'm not mean for anyone. I'm not meant to be happy.