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October 25, 2019 Entree #5

Okay, so today is my 5th entree, and for some reason I feel like I’ve written so much more. Blogging has become something I really look forward to. I’m loving it. So... today not much happened. I worked, drove around and delivered food. I got tipped in weed; that was cool. Really nothing special, but one thing that has been on my mind a lot lately is my sister. She’s my absolute best friend I’ve ever had, I love that girl more than anyone on Earth. I was able to face-time her for a couple hours today. She’s coming to visit me in two weeks, and I couldn’t be more excited! We talked about things we’re gonna do while she’s here. We have so much planned. Including a concert I bought tickets for today. Machine Gun Kelly and Young Thug, but we are only going for MGK. We’ve both listened to his music now for years. I can’t wait to see her, and we are both really excited to finally be in the same state again. 

I’m up to 10 kratom pills a day now, and i’m still itchin’ for some feels. I do still feel in control though, don’t worry. A girl can dream right?? One thing I have been thinking about doing is finally going to the gym. I mean Planet Fitness does still charge me $24 a month for no reason right now, maybe it’s finally time to start using it again. I got a membership When I first moved here, when I was on an ‘up’ and thought I would actually go at least once a week. I’ve never been to therapy before so there is no real ‘diagnosis’ for whatever mental illnesses I could have, but if I were to guess.. I think I have some kind of bipolar depression disorder. I always feel some kind of depression, not a suicidal or I want to hurt myself kind of depressed. More like just always feeling sorry for myself and convincing myself that no one really likes me or wants to be around me. I always have to fight the feeling that people only talk to me or want to be around me because they pity me. And that ends in me isolating myself. The bipolar part comes from when I’m on my ‘up’ happens at least twice a year or so. I find myself feeling good and optimistic. I start getting my life together again and setting goals for myself. This will last about a month, but after my ‘up’ comes the ‘down’ I feel even more let down because I then feel like I’ve failed myself. I get in a very depressed state of mind for about 2 months. I lose all desire to do anything. I won’t even shower for days, I just keep to myself and do the bare minimum to keep living. A vicious cycle, but I’m finally starting to get to know it, and year after year I know what to expect a little more. When I’m not on my ‘up’ or ‘down’ state of mind I’m my normal I guess you could say. Still feel the depression, I’m just way better at controlling it and hiding it. If i’m lucky I can sometimes forget it’s there for awhile. But, or course it always comes back. 

I really hope that me starting this blog and wanting to do more about my mental and physical health isn’t me starring to get on my ‘up’. I don’t like feeling really good like that anymore. I’m scared of it. Because I know what’s coming. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, so I don’t know how to fix it. Seems like a serious problem that isn’t going away with time. Maybe it is time for me to talk to someone. Maybe even one day I can brake the cycle. A girl can dream, right?

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October 24, 2019

Entree #4

It’s been a few days since I blogged:( I did warn you that I can’t commit to anything! But, here I am once again. It’s hard to write daily, but I’m getting better:) goal is to make it a habit. Anyway.. to catch you up; I did end up going on that hike with Christopher, he was right, it was absolutely breathtakingly beautiful! It was 5 miles up a mountain so my legs are still killing me! I haven’t worked out in soo long before that, I definitely struggled but the view from the top was soo worth it. However, the way I feel about Christopher is still the same:/ he is a really sweet guy, and we get along so well. I just can’t find him attractive in a way I can’t even explain. Is being too nice and sweet even a thing? I really want to like him, but I just can’t force it. Maybe I need to end things before he gets hurt, I’m trying not to hurt anymore people because I’m too messed up and in my head! Well, another one bites the dust. No more Christopher in my blogs.

Kekoa is still around. Weird we’re still talking. I still haven’t even seen him, it’s been over a month. Yet we still talk, just about our days and things I normally wouldn’t open up about to people.. I’m starting to think he might actually like me, he might not be using me for sex after all. Makes me feel bad about everything I’ve been doing behind his back. He’s confusing. I can’t tell what he wants or how he feels? Today he actually asked me if I was seeing other people besides him. I couldn’t lie to him, I told him everything. About the other people in my life, the threesum, the sex.. ect.

Of course he was upset, but he still wants to talk to me, even wants to see me tomorrow. He says he understands considering we aren’t together and haven’t exactly been seeing a lot of eachother. He sticks to his story that he hasn’t been with anyone else since we’ve been seeing eachother. I think I believe him now. Now I feel really bad for ignoring him, not seeing him, and not following our ‘not seeing anyone else’ rule. Doesn’t mean I feel different about him. I still can’t see myself actually with him. He is still full of himself and ignorant. I don’t fully like him, I really still just like the fact that I can talk to him. And now that everything is on the table we’ll probably have an interesting conversation tomorrow night. Stay tuned.

Got an interesting text from my Aunt in Alaska today. Remember Nathan? Well, apparently he’s been messaging her asking where to get heroin! I knew he was still using. I’ve been thinking about using that as an excuse to talk to him again, but what’s the point? We are really really over.. I can’t even be mad at him for asking my family for drugs. I can never hate him.. he has that soft spot in my heart. I still wonder what he’s doing everyday, I think about him still almost everyday. Even see him in my dreams. How do I kill these feelings for him? I don’t want them anymore.. Still I hope I bump into him when I’m in Alaska. I have no idea what I’d say, just hope I’ll catch his eye is all.. maybe then he’ll call me, or text me, maybe even talk to me.. I wish I could just erase him from my head.

Been thinking a lot about my trip to my home town in Alaska next month. I’m really looking forward to it. I’ve posted on my snap chat story that I’ll be in town and a lot of my friends are looking forward to see me:) even old friends from high school have hit me up asking to catch up. I’m really excited to see everyone! Is it even okay for me to see friends that Nathan and I shared? I want to but, it’s gonna sting a little to be with them without him. Can’t even imagine how it’d be without him. We’ll see...

I’ve still been on my Kratom pill kick. Up to 10 pills a day. Time to start googling long term side effects! Other then that, haven’t been using any other drugs since the last time I blogged, weird for me. It’s almost a year into my recovery from heroin addiction (besides one relapse). I feel myself gaining more and more control of my impulses, even impulses that don’t have to do with drugs. Feels good to be gaining back control of my life. But, I do still have that demon inside me. I hear him every once in a while, but his voice is getting more and more faint:) please, if you know of any good blogs on recovery show me! Although I’m done with heroin I find other things, just to feel something different. Nothing too crazy, I’d never touch meth or heroin again! But, I wish I could live completely drug free life. I don’t see that happening anytime soon. I am still very proud of myself though:)

As promised in entree #3 here is a list of things to be appreciated in my life:

Family and friends

My cat Buster

My sobriety

Roof over my head and a warm bed

This blog

I hope I can make this list longer, maybe I’ll think of a way to include things to be grateful for in my everyday blog. Any neet ideas? I’ve given up on my one good deed a day part of my blog. It was a good thought, but as I was trying to think about good deeds to do I realized; I’m just not a do-gooder.. as much as I want to be I’m still just a selfish asshole. So maybe further down in my mental health journey I can start up my ‘good deed a day’ segment. Instead here’s some pictures of my hike I went on this week:) enjoy! And goodnight.

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“Where is my fucking juul”

- me every 2 seconds

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It’s never enough

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14 months since you left and I was in bed with a guy who isn’t you for the first time. I let him hug me but I couldn’t bare to do anything else with him. When he left I sobbed because whilst his arms were around me all I could think about was you and I’m scared I’ll never stop comparing everyone to you.

-28/04/19

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And some chicken wings

GIVE ME A THEIF WHO STEALS NOTHING BUT PAIN

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October 20, 2019

Entree #3

Spent the day with some family:) I woke up, and spent the morning at the coffee table with my grandma doing a puzzle. Then the afternoon venting about my dating life with my cousin and her boyfriend. They also vented about what it’s like in their long term relationship, nothing too terrible of course! They are happy, and actually really good for eachother. But I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. Single sounds like more fun when you’re in a relationship. Until you’re actually single...

I want what they have, on the outside they seem like they have perfect lives. They live in their own apartment, with a small and very cute dog:) they have good friends who have also been in a long term relationship, and they stay connected to family. They seem happy, yet they aren’t satisfied either. Maybe I still wouldn’t be satisfied if I had what they had. Are people ever? Even when people have it all, everyone always wants more or something different. Maybe instead of looking so hard for things I want and don’t have, I need to take a couple steps back to really appreciate the things I do have and where I’m at. Tomorrow I’ll get back to you with a list:)

I’ve only had this blog for a few days now, and I do have to say; it’s really helping me sort through my own mind. When I have a hard copy of my feelings and actions to read and look back on, it really helps me understand myself more. Getting to know myself has always been hard for me.

I’ve been missing home, Alaska. I miss my friends and family, like I said in entree #1, so I bought a ticket:) end of next month I’ll be visiting home. Something to look forward to. First thing I’ll add to my list of things to appreciate for tomorrow. It’s always nice to have something to look forward to.

All and all I had a good day, I’m laying in bed now and I feel happy. Something I don’t feel often. I’m also feeling really good, I’m trying a new strain of Kratom pills, Green instead of red, feels more euphoric. Normally the red ones are a little more mello. One thing I’m going to start doing everyday is one good deed. I’ll write it here, at the end of each entree.

Today’s good deed: brought home Halloween sugar cookies for my grandma, uncle, and I.

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Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Dr. Seuss

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October 19, 2019

Entree #2.1

I cleaned and organized my room today! Don’t you just feel a million times better when your place is clean?!

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Let that shit go

let it heal. let him go.

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October 19, 2019

Entree #2

Okay, so maybe I won’t be journaling every damn day! Not enough interesting things happen to me. Wouldn’t wanna bore you.. but something kinda interesting happened tonight:) I met Chris, the tinder guy. Haven’t been on a tinder date like this before, he asked me to come to his apartment. So I figured I knew exactly what he wanted. But he was sweet:) we talked about normal first date things.. and that’s it. Smoked a couple blunts, talked about life, and I got to cuddle with his doggo:) He seems like a really sweet guy, he’s shy but also really funny, he has a good head on his shoulders, plus, he’s adventurous! He likes the city, longboarding, travel, concerts ect. Things I like. He wants to do things I wanna do together:) At the end of the night he asked if he could hug me, lol he asked! And he kissed me on my forehead. Forehead kisses are my weakness!!

But, for some reason I just don’t feel completely attracted to him (and he’s really attractive). Why is it I’ve been looking for someone like this for so long, and when I find it, I just don’t want it? Am I just attracted to toxic people who will hurt me? Or am I subconsciously trying to protect myself from being hurt again? ‘To good to be true’ disposition. I want to WANT what’s good for me. Why am I so attracted things and people that are all wrong for me? I’m giving this another try. Next Tuesday. We’re going for a walk, he says it’s a beautiful view :)

Stay tuned.

If anyone is even reading. Lol

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reblog and make a wish! this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)

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October 16, 2019

Entree #1

Welcome to my life

This is me trying to gather my thoughts, raw honesty. I can never commit to anything, hopefully I can commit to this blog; I don’t even know where to start, my life is a beautiful mess. Let’s just start with today. It’s actually 12:33am so I guess it’s a new day, but I haven’t slept so it’s still the 16th in my head. So today... pretty normal day for me, but maybe not for you. I woke up, showered (that’s something, even showering for me is hard. I’m severely depressed), and I got ready. I wore my usual, baggy mom jeans and a name brand hoodie, Vans hoodie today. It’s gray with yellow strings, and it’s also cropped of course, like most my tops. I guess you can say I’m a little slutty. I always need my belly button ring showing. I also go braless nearly everyday so my nipple rings poke threw the hoodie, just a little. I’m obviously really good at getting off track where was I?

Getting ready... damn, this is gonna be a really long entree. So, I guess other than getting dressed I just throw on some mascara, and big sliver hoops and I’m good to go. I’m lazy, a lazy hoe. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doggin’ on myself. I’m a proud lazy hoe:) After getting ready I get in my car and start workin’, doing deliveries for Uber eats. That’s my only job although I lie and tell everyone I still have my job as a bikini barista. I miss that job. I need to call Jordan (my old boss) and beg for my job back like ASAP! I was working the 3am shift, so being me I forgot to set my alarm and slept threw work. Instead of calling and apologizing I blew off their phone calls and never looked back. I know I shouldn’t, but I blame the depression. Now I have $44 in my bank account. I’m terrible with money. I can on and on about that, but back to my day; after work I came home and started swiping on tinder, looking for another meaningless fuck.

This blog is being copied from my personal journal, so pages are scattered normally I’d keep this stuff out but this is relevant.

Please ignore the next page, that was for a fuck boy I thought I liked who was in prison at the time. But you can read it if you want I don’t give a shit.

You need to call me, I need to know what your plans are. How long are you going to be locked up? Are you still wanting to get a place with me? If so, when? I can only afford this place for 2-3 months on my own, so I need you to get serious if you’re actually wanting to do this. I’m planning on signing a lease next month and moving in on the 1st of September. So if you want my help and to live rent free for a bit to find a job, you need to get your shit together! If that’s something you can’t do you should at least call and tell me ASAP. There’s other people I can room with, but I don’t want to leave you hanging. I might have to if I don’t hear from you. Place I found is in Tacoma. It has a beautiful view. I hope you’re doing okay.

Lol, if you even read that, that never happened. He ignored me for a month then tried to Snapchat me again saying he wanted a relationship with me. So, like an idiot I sent him my nudes that night, then right as I made the poor guy fall in love, I ghosted him. I thought it was what he deserved. Maybe it was? You tell me. Am I an awful person for that one?

Anywho, back to the tinder swiping. I found someone. A beautiful female specimen, she asks if I’m down to be in a threesum with her and her boyfriend tonight. Fuck it. I shaved my legs and was off to fuck them both. Anna and Josh, two more names for my body count list. The threesum was fun! Anna has an amazing body, she’s blond, had a solar system tattood down her spine, and was shaped like an hour glass. Josh was also blond, nothing too special about him. But he did know how to finger bang me pretty good. It was a multi orgasm kinda night. This is getting pretty dirty. Welcome to my life. Things like this is why I’m starting this blog. I want to try to make sense of myself and the decisions I make. Can you help me? Is anyone even reading, or care?

I haven’t even finished with my day. Sooo... after my little threesum I texted what I guess you can call my ‘main bitch’ Kekoa. He’s been around awhile, but I don’t even like him much. At the same time I always find myself wanting to keep talking to him. Feels good to have someone to vent to, he’s the only one to challenge me. Makes me talk about me and my decisions and why I make them. Really does help, even though I don’t tell him half the shit I do. Like the sex, and the other people I talk to. Like Cheech, the prison guy. Kekoa and I aren’t dating although we’ve been seeing each other about 4-5 months, but we did tell eachother we’d be faithful to eachother. I’m not, obviously, and I don’t believe he is either. And I actually don’t even care. I don’t see myself with him. I haven’t even seen him in 3 weeks!

There is this other guy too, Christopher. I met him on tinder, haven’t met him in person yet, but I want to. He’s cute and seems sweet. You know... I actually do want to find Mr. Right. Someone to really love, just one person to crawl in bed with every night, someone to share every part of me with. Someone to actually care for, more then myself. Someone I wouldn’t use and treat like shit like all my fuck boys and girls I have right now. I’ve had that before. With Nathan, I still love him. I don’t even know why, he treated me like shit. We got addicted to heroin together.. sad but true. I’m almost a year clean btw. Go me. Nathan was jealous and possessive. Always accuse me of cheating even though he had absolutely no reason to! He knew every one of my passwords, snooped threw my phone constantly, and I let him. This was before I was a hoe. He isolated me from my family and friends, made me believe that he was all I had, and I’d be nothing without me. He was right in the end. I lost who I was when I lost him. He did this because he was insecure, he was an endless pit of needing to feel loved and wanted above everyone else around me. He needed constant reminders that he was the ONLY one for me. And he was, at the time. We gave eachother our all. We were both broken, sick and twisted in our own ways. We were perfect. I miss him, and I think about him everyday. I wonder if he thinks about me. What do you think? He has a girlfriend now. She beautiful and he just might be happy with her. I hate them both.

Anyway, I think I might meet Christopher tomorrow. Stay tuned. He just might be my next Nathan. Uhg, hurts that he just moved on soo fucking easy. The very next girl he fucks he now claims he loves. Even though he’s called me and told me otherwise *eyeroll* that’s just him though. He needs someone to keep his bed warm and tell him he’s the best thing that could possibly happen to them. As long as they want him and nothing else, not even their own happiness. To be superior to everyone else in someone’s eyes, anyones. I wonder if I was that to him. Justification. I wonder if he even loved me for me. I think he did:/ hard to move on even tho he’s wrong for me. I love him.

Holy shit I’m way off track! I mean doesn’t even matter what I texted Kekoa about today. Just more of me avoiding him and using him to vent only to just ignore him. Am I a bad person for that? Be honest... I mean I don’t feel that he even likes me for me. I’m %90 sure he’s using me too. For sex... feels like we’re using each other for different reasons. He definitely has his own shit storm so hey, whatever gets us both by I guess...

It’s 2:54am right now. I feel good. I think it’s from the 8 Kratom pills I took, anything for the feels. I also tripped out on shrooms tonight, when I came home from the threesum. I took them around 8:30pm. They barely worked since I took some two nights ago, I guess you have to wait awhile before you can really trip out again. But the first time time I took them this week was just awful. Barely even got visuals and I look 4gs! It also didn’t make me think outside myself like psychedelics normally do. That’s what I was going for. I was trying to find myself again. I’M LOST! in about a month I’ll try again with different shrooms, or maybe acid? What do you think? Those shrooms just made me feel completely weird. Body high, hard to explain. The guy I got them from said they were the best you can get. LIES! I guess that’s what to expect from posting “anyone have 🍄” in your tinder bio. I don’t know anyone here in Washington. I only moved here 6 months ago, after Nathan and I spilt. I miss my family, friends, and connections. I’m lonely here.

Anyway. Yeah, the guy that gave me the shrooms I totally used, even gave them to me for free. All I had to do was flirt a bit and grab a beer with him at a bar called Devils club. He made me promise I wouldn’t ghost him after. I did. Again, does that make me a terrible person? Do you think I’m a terrible person? At least I didn’t fuck for drugs. The night was actually fun, socializing and playing pool. I’d never go for that guy tho, he’s a 5 and a trump supporter. I just liked going out a bit. I hope Christopher takes me out tomorrow night. Getting all these thoughts out really just makes me realize the shitty person I’ve become. I want to be better, and do better. Can you help me? Can I even be saved? I’m lonely and lost, welcome to my life.