louzer28 - Tumblr blog

[louzer28]

lately i’ve noticed

day by day

i’m losing pieces of myself

but i can’t tell what the parts are

and i don’t know

if i’ll be able to get them back

[louzer28]

i wish i’d stop

revealing so much

[louzer28]

i know i’m smart

i know i could get good grades

i know i could get a better job

i know i could be a good driver

but i don’t try

i don’t think i do it on purpose

but i just can’t move myself to do anything

it feels as if i’m sinking endlessly

and for every hour that i sink

i lose more and more of who i once was

i don’t do anything anymore

i don’t do my chores

i don’t clean my room

i don’t do my homework

i don’t brush my teeth

the only thing i ever do

is sit in my room

and i ruin myself

and i rot

maybe i’m not so smart

[louzer28]

New.

I just want to start everything new, and leave my past behind. Everything I do with you reminds me of what you did. How you cheated on me. I can't handle it anymore, I know it takes time but every little thing I/you do/say just reminds me of how you went out of your way and talked to her. How could you have betrayed my trust like that? I had told you so many times that I hate people who cheat on their partners. I hate them. And you know how insecure I am. But still, you went out of your way to cheat on me with Sara out of all people. She was the one I was afraid of the most. She's so beautiful, she does her makeup better, and has bigger tits than me, she was also bigger than me. So after I found out I didn't know how to feel. I felt so betrayed and insecure all at the same time. I don't want to remember that anymore, I never want to. I want to start anew. I want to cut my hair and change my name. I want to move schools and start doing my work. I want to get a job and start saving for a car. I want to change my whole physical appearance. I want to lose 110 lbs (280 atm) and start wearing different clothing. I'll start drinking water and eating healthily. I want to start reading more books, and maybe even write one. I want to gain new interests. I want to change my room. I want to speak differently. And I also want to cut everyone off. All my friends, no matter how long I've known them or how close we are. I want to cut off you. I want to cut you off. I want to leave you. But you just won't let me. And sure you make me happy sometimes but I can't help and remember how you went off and cheated. Basically saying you're not good enough for me. So yeah, I want to start new, get a clean slate, not tell anyone about my past and make new friends. Because maybe then I'll feel wanted, loved, good enough.

[louzer28]

A Forgiving Fool.

I like to think of myself as a good person. I like to believe I have a good heart. I like to believe that I had the willpower to stop loving them when I know it's not healthy for me anymore, however, that's far from the truth. I feel so foolish. Time after time I have forgiven people. Time over time I have forgiven people a second time. And time over time, I have forgiven people for the third or fourth, or fifth time, and past that. I used to think that my forgiveness is a good thing, but of course, I was wrong. And I forgive myself for it, how could I have known what these cruel people would do? I now think that my forgiveness is a trait of foolishness. How could I be so utterly stupid? I know what's bad for me, but I keep going. I don't listen to myself. Why am I the way that I am? I know this person is bad for me, but it's my fault, right? So of course I forgive you. I know this friend group is terrifyingly toxic, but I've known some of them for a long time, they're my good friends, and maybe something makes them feel like they have to act the way they do. So of course, I forgive them, right? It doesn't matter what a person does, even if it's clearly completely their doing, The illness in my head creeps into my thoughts, "It's all your fault. They cheated on you because you weren't good enough. You didn't do enough. You caused this. Oh and that friend of yours that told you they purposely gaslight you all throughout middle school? Your fault. It's all your fault. Every little thing that someone does to do is your fault. And don't forget, if they're being nice, they're fucking faking it. You're nothing but a stupid, ugly, foolish piece of shit that doesn't deserve love." I can't control it but still, I ask myself, alone, am I faking this? Am I just seeking attention? I just want people to like me, and so to avoid the hate, conflict, and their sadness, this is what I have become. A forgiving fool.

"I desire the things that will destroy me in the end" - Sylvia Plath

[louzer28]

Fall, 2019

Something I wrote last night while overthinking.

Fall 2019.

He had introduced me to her, three days before meeting her. He said he trusted me and wanted to tell me about this girl he’d been talking to, Ally. I didn’t know that this would have such an effect on me in the future. He had sent me pictures of her and told me about her, how she lives with her grandparents and her uncle. It took me months to understand how her uncle was younger than her, but it clicked. Then, three days later, I met her, on the first day of seventh grade. Goodness. The way her hair looked so soft and shiny amazed me, and her eyes were so beautiful. I couldn’t help but compare my body to hers, I just couldn’t help it, she was absolutely beautiful. But she didn’t seem to think so. I couldn’t understand how someone as beautiful as herself could be insecure, but I understand now. Over time, despite him and her being together, I grew a liking for her. I had thought she was so kind and amazing. I don’t know how I didn’t see what we were doing was wrong. They were together the whole time, till winter break, but we’ll get to that later. She had grown a liking towards me as well, I was so very fond of her. We’d only known each other a month, yet we were saying I love you as couples did. As she should have been saying to him. But we continued. I couldn’t help it. The end of October. I reminisce thinking of this again, honestly, I understand it’s bad, but she was my first same-sex love. Halloween. I ditched my dearest friends for her. She came over around noon, I let her in and we began to get ready. Her costume was on and so was mine. Still early, We head to the graveyard, the brown leaves crunching beneath our feet. We arrived and set our belongings on that bench. That bench in the graveyard. We messed around and grew tired, so we sat on that bench in the graveyard. We scooched closer, right next to each other, our legs touching. Not soon later.     We kissed.     Next thing I’d known the sky was turning dark, around seven-thirty. We grabbed our things and headed out. Trick or treating. Later the sky was black, and we’d grown tired, and headed home. As we walked in, we were still cold and the parents were still out. We head upstairs and… we lay there, together, right next to each other under the sheets, becoming warm. Everything was fine till winter break. On the first day, I and him had just suspected maybe she hadn’t checked her phone. Two days. Three days. Four days. Five. Contact from her.          She went to live with her mom.          Why? She’d always talked about her hate for her mom. How she abused her. The screaming. The drinking. The hitting. Even how she had thrown her at an oven, which is how she got that beautiful scar right split down the middle of her nose. Two months went by. There were always rumors of she who must not be named. Once again, contact. Only this time, she had just contacted me. We spoke of each one's love for the other and threw compliments. But again, contact stopped. Just over two years go by. I hear rumors about her from people once and a while. Then maybe for the last time just weeks ago, contact. We spoke but of course, not long after, Contact stopped. I always have a weird feeling once the season comes by, but especially the month of October. It’s strange. I will always be reminded of her. Of fall, of 2019.

Sorry if it's cringy or anything I'm not a writer lmao

[louzer28]

Summer, 2022

Here's a little something I wrote (a true story) to deal with emotions and shit

Summer, 2022

June

The only eventful thing that was supposed to happen in June, the Summer of 2022, was the end of our Freshman year in High School. My grades were delightful, I was quite happy with myself. In fact, I had started to be happier in general, I didn’t think that anything could possibly change that. Of course, I was wrong. On the second to last day of Freshmen year, you texted me and told me you did something bad. You were scared to tell me, I know why now. Once you finally told me, I thought it’s not that bad, it’s ok, let's just leave this behind us. But you lied. The situation was so much worse than you had said. I was speaking to Izzy, how just this little thing happened, but she knew everything, she knew you lied, so she told me the truth. You and Sara. You two had been sending back and forth and Izzy told me how you had told Sara you wanted her, you wanted to have sex with her. Why? How could you do this to me? We gave ourselves to each other, already so young. We had been together 9 ½ months, and you were ruining it. You said you were jealous of my friends because you don’t have any. That doesn't make it ok for you to do what you did Jesse, not at all. I yelled and I cried but for some reason, I gave you another chance. Later in June, you made friends with someone I wasn’t completely comfortable with. Taylor. They had already made my friend's partner practically cheat on their partner with them. Even though Taylor already had about 3 partners, they’re polyamorous, of course. I ignored my gut and let it be, but then I caught them talking about possibly being with you. After Sara, I couldn’t handle this. I told you it’s either me or Taylor. But you said it was a difficult choice.  A difficult choice?? We had been together nearly 10 months at this point and you’d been friends with Taylor not even a month, but it's a hard choice? You weren’t choosing so I let it go. What a terrible mistake I had made.

July

I was still trying to ignore my gut about Taylor, you knew that. Yet on the seventh of July, you hung out with them. I was freaking out the whole time, I almost knew Taylor had a crush on you at this point. I really need to trust my gut about people more often, don’t I. Nothing happened while you two hung out. Just a hug. I found out on my way to a camping trip the next day. Taylor had a huge thing for you. Their notes described how they thought of sleeping with you. Every. Single. Night. And they wanted to actually sleep with you. They wanted to kiss you and hug you. They wanted you to break up with me to be with them, even though they had about 4-5 partners now. They talked about how if you were with them, you could be polyamorous like they are. They wouldn’t be jealous, or insecure like I am. I had it. This was it. I told you I'm not letting go this time. It’s me or them. You still said it’s so hard to choose. You two only hung out once, you two had only been friends a month, and we’d been together for ten months, but it was still hard to choose. Eventually, I gave up. I told Taylor, I told them I don’t want to make you choose because I know it’s hard on you. I thought we could compromise. Only eight minutes later I found out they were now making you choose between me or them. How could they possibly do that? They have no right. With only an hour to choose, you finally made your choice. You choose me. So no more Taylor. I just keep on giving don’t I? Because I still stayed with you even after that. Even after I found porn on your iPad in November. Even after I found porn in your search history in February. Even after you went and cheated on me with the only girl I was ever really worried about. I try to be the best I can for you and I keep changing myself and spending money to make you happy but how many times will I have to hear that you won't do it again? I get it, I weigh over 200lbs and I’ve been overweight my whole life. But if this isn’t what you wanted you never should’ve gotten with me. I’m sorry but I think you have a problem. You express how you love me and you tell me I’m beautiful and you want to be with me and I’m the only one. I know you’re not lying… but how can I believe this after you’ve done all of this?

August

It’s been rough, I’m not happy anymore. I relapsed. I don’t feel beautiful. I don’t feel protected. I don’t feel wanted. But we’re still together. Despite the three times I’ve tried to leave. I want this to get better but if you mess up one more time, I’m sorry but it’s done. You and I just looked at some stuff the other night, stuff that can help heal us. I told you it takes an average of six months - two years to “heal” after this kind of betrayal. I want to stay with you. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the way I grew up. Maybe it’s because I gave myself to you. Maybe it’s because I’m scared of being alone. Maybe it’s because we’re teenagers just oh so in love. But I want you to be the one, I do. I can see the good in you, you just need to get rid of the terrible. I keep telling myself one more thing and we’re done. But the truth is, I think I’m going to keep letting you hurt me. I’m going to keep hoping you’ll change, even if you never do. I hope things will start to work out, I want it to, and I know you take responsibility for what you’ve done. You admit now that you were just making excuses as to why you did the things you did with Sara because you really don’t know why you would do that when you have me. Same for Taylor. You admit that it was stupid that you didn’t choose me right away. Thank you. I know you can change. I know it. We can get through this, just please don’t hurt me again, all I'm going to do is keep on forgiving till you break me. 

Please feel free to comment or share or whatever, I'd appreciate it :)