makingwordsright

[makingwordsright]

We are in a pandemic

We are in a pandemic

The world is in disarray

Photos of health care workers on the news

Full protective gear, as if walking into battle.

The enemy that cannot be seen

Exhausted but fighting the good fight

Someone has to fight it

We are in a pandemic

My family is in disarray

I watch on FaceTime as my grandfather is put on a stretcher in his nursing home, whisked to the hospital

A suspected covid case

My heart sinks like a stone in the river as my mother sobs beside me.

Someone has to be strong.

We are in a pandemic

My family is in disarray.

Four days later- my grandfather passed away

You have such a way with words- can you say the eulogy?

I’m grieving just as much as you- can’t you see?

9 of us arrive at the funeral

The pastor makes 10

Sporting black, trembling mouths hiding behind our masks

No hugs, no touch- devoid of comfort

Trying to tread through the sea of sadness

Swimming against the current trying to sweep me away

I say the eulogy

Someone has to say the kind words.

We are in a pandemic

My life is in disarray

A last minute zoom meeting

Confirms the worst.

There isn’t enough money in the budget for your job

We have to let you go.

We have to let you go.

Let you go, go, go...

The words echo in my ears as if the call was distorted through space and time

I begin to sob hysterically

My boss exhibits an expression teetering like a seesaw

sadness and disbelief sadness and disbelief

The seesaw creaks.

How will I support myself without a job?

How will I accomplish my dreams without a job?

Tears stream down my face as I nervously clench the sides of my pajama pants.

Someone has to suffer the effects of this shutdown.

We are in a pandemic

Communities are in disarray

I see people without masks in public

I see people without masks being worn properly

and I can’t help but wonder

When will the death count be enough

To care about the well being of others?

I want to think the best of people

But how can I when their decisions affect the outcome of others- life or death

Over 500,000 Americans dead

Over 500,000 families in grief

When does it end?

Our selfish view of personal comfort trumps the protection we could give others

Someone has to die from it - so they say

Herd community - so they say

We are in a pandemic

There is a little less disarray

I anxiously wait in line for my Covid 19 vaccine

I think of my grandfather

My best friend’s grandmother

My co-worker’s father

All who have passed from this deadly disease

I think of my uncle, still suffering side effects months later

The pain of the needle was worth it

The fever the next day was worth it

Driving down the road to better protection

Everyone has to protect themselves and others

Two weeks go by, I breathe a sigh of relief

There’s a little less disarray in my life.

We are in a pandemic

[makingwordsright]

[makingwordsright]

X aesthetics

One.

Basketball shorts. Toyota Highlander. Walks in the woods. Movies. Lightning storms. Harry Potter. MacBook Pro. MySpace. Yellow prom. Handmade bracelets. Dorm room. Worn out shoes. Procrastinated writing. Second cell phones. Football games. Quilts. Blockbuster trips. Gaslighting. Peer pressure. Broken promises. Bitter tears. McDonald’s McDoubles. Swimming pools. Future dreams. Band competitions. Orange and black. Blond. Airplane parks. Road trips. Emotional abuse. Regret.

Two.

Goatee. Glasses. Tall. Wood wick candles. Cooking. Drinking games. Singing. Cotton candy hair. Windy walks through a small town. The pub. Video games. Magic the Gathering. Black and turquoise. Orchids. Apple picking. Chicken bacon ranch fries at 3 am. Hiking. Brown hat. Iron Man. Grilled cheese. Pistachios. Tetris. Pokemon. Orange is the New Black. Home built computers.

Three.

Beer. Concerts. Picking up at random places. Virginia. Capitals. Mount Vernon. Ice cream. Airport pickup. Photographs. Ginger beard. Hockey. Washington DC. Photographs. Pizza. Nationals. Metro. Southern cooking. Watching me brush my hair. Admiration. Sneaky videos. Crew. Back burner. Time. Zinburger. Dave and Busters. Tall. Breakup voicemails.

Four.

Work travel. Trains. Hockey. Michigan. PTSD. Blond hair. Hotel rooms. Toronto, Canada. Aviation. Off the record. Washington, DC. Virginia. New Jersey. Hipster work backpack. Metro. Cell phones and FaceTime. Williamsport, PA. Depression. Starbucks. Rainy museum days. Unclear priorities. Regret. Maegen.

Five.

Beard. Carpenter. Jeans. Cowboy boots. Beagle. Homemade moonshine. Cabin in the woods. Shooting at targets. Laughter. Construction. Work boots. Eating good food. Big booty. Short. Baseball hats. Omelets. Old bay. Wilbur chocolate. Long cuddling sessions. Heated blankets. Kissing on a construction site. Chicken parm. Sunday funday. Horse and buggies. House on the hill. Small town. Bumblefuck. Chalkboard paint. Caring. Heartbreak.

[makingwordsright]

Penpals

Waiting day in and day out just to get a message broken hearted without a doubt hoping to hear from you 

Once we were normalized lovers Then we were long distance romantics Now we are pen pals. 

I don’t want to be your lady in waiting When I can be someone else’s first lady I don’t want to be your sometimes girl When I can be somebody else’s always girl. 

Distance is brutal Silence is deadly broken hearts, broken promises full of empty voids

You can be somebody else’s penpal. 

[makingwordsright]

Mountain Living

He said he was looking for his soulmate His long lost love, his other half The one destined for him by fate. 

I want to live by the mountains surrounded by fresh air and trees But it depends on what my partner wants too, he says, looking at me. 

So where do you want to live? He says with a smile I pause to think as if I haven’t known  all the while

I want to live away from the city down a country road by some farms where the scenery is pretty I want to live by nature, surrounded by open space trees, animals, mountains, and stars Something I can call a beautiful place.  Mostly importantly, I want to live with you being able to completely picture myself there is something very new

Sometimes home is a feeling Sometimes home is a place I want to have both of those with you next to me, in our own space. 

[makingwordsright]

At first you were amazing a sight for all to see  I thought you were incredible liking me for being me. 

But things are not as they seem or how they appear to be Doors close unexpectedly  locked without a key. 

A foolish mind plus a loving heart  equals one confused person falling apart

I don’t see how I believed all these things untrue Your blue eyes must have hypnotized  me into liking you

Your love for her is strong Your love for her is kind But you will still be in my dreams and in my heart and mind

[makingwordsright]

Whirlwind of Emotions

I am a whirlwind of emotions I am a mouthful of thoughts and a swirl of colors. 

On a perfect day, when the wind blows my way I am a metallic purple, all good things reflecting off of me. 

Sometimes I’m homesick, full of emotion missing home and all of the commotion I am the darkest, dullest, gray. 

I am content, but missing something in my life trying to keep anxiety at bay, not cause strife I am a light brown, like a birch tree trunk

So full of emotion, or so full of anxiety and stress to put it simply, I can be a mess I am paint splattered on a canvas, in every color. 

Scared of putting my emotions out afraid of being lonely without a doubt I am the deepest crimson. 

[makingwordsright]

I step outside and I can feel the cool air associated with Pennsylvania August nights I take my first step onto the grass my bare feet taking in the feeling of the cool soft grass

As the sky begins to darken its pink sunset I walk on my toes, heading towards my favorite maple tree the lightning bugs are beginning to glow I chase them, catching them with my hands and watching as they walk to the tips of my fingers and fly away

I stand on the deck after a few minutes of going through my nostalgic thoughts of childhood and living in Pennsylvania. 

I quietly enjoy my peaceful evening. 

[makingwordsright]

“I love you”

Like the moon loves the ocean’s waves reflecting its light on them I love you. 

Like the river loves the mountain caressing the base of its curves I love you. 

Like the stars enjoy the night sky making it brighter and being its beacon of light I love you. 

Like the sun provides for the earth caring for all its creatures I love you. 

Like the fish love the sea and the birds love the sky Like the trees love the spring and the leaves love the fall Like the bear loves the cave and the deer love the field I love you. 

[makingwordsright]

Insecurities

My toes are crooked or shaped funny but they work well for going on up my toes to kiss you

My forehead is too big but it gives you a better target for forehead kisses

My hands are too small but they’re perfect for holding yours

My eyes are brown and sometimes squinty but they’re great to gaze into yours

My hair is long and gets in the way but your hands run through it so smoothly as I kiss you 

My hips are bigger than I’d like but your hands caress them as you kiss me

[makingwordsright]

The Color of Sadness

People say they feel blue when they’re sad but that’s not the color of sadness People wear black to show their mourning but that’s not the color of sadness Some people think it’s colorless I’d like to think otherwise

Sadness is gray of an overcast sky after a week of cloudy days Sadness is amber, the beer in my cup after one too many drinks Sadness is yellow, the florescent kitchen light coming home to an empty house Sadness is beige, the ceiling I stare at  overwhelmed with thoughts, I can’t sleep Sadness is green, my iPhone call button trying to stay in contact with friends and family Sadness is golden yellow, the cover of my writing book attempting to keep the demons away Sadness is purple, the color of my blankets I bury myself in them when I have a bad day

People say they feel blue when they’re sad but that’s not the color of sadness. 

[makingwordsright]

Two steps ahead

You are in my thoughts frequently now when I’m laying in bed doing wash, cooking food I wonder if it’s all in my head. 

I close my eyes.  deep breath in, deep breath out There’s nothing about this that I should doubt. 

I can feel myself falling into this deep I don’t think you realize how you sweep me off my feet I wonder if this is why I couldn’t sleep

I’m letting this all get to my head Why am I always two steps ahead?

[makingwordsright]

Bastards

You’re mad at me You can’t explain why sigh

I know you feel like I’m to blame but your thoughts and mine are not the same

Irrational thoughts sit in the ground where the roots of this friendship lie. Being determined makes it hard to say goodbye. 

I refuse to allow you to be this way.  “Suck it up and be my friend” is all I have to say. 

[makingwordsright]

Anxiety

Too young to worry too old to not

[makingwordsright]

Leaving Home

I was always the girl to say I would leave this small town and hit the road one day

I left work today, my morning caffeine running out, bags sagging, leaves falling my way Suddenly it hit me, stopped me in my tracks I have no weekend plans nothing to fall back

I miss the days of knowing all- the roads, the town, my friends, my life instead here I am reminiscing fall

I thought I’d be the last one to say this-  but I miss my family and my friends the most heartbreaking things to miss. 

[makingwordsright]

“Other Girls”

I’m not like “other girls” I dress to feel comfortable, not to impress Putting on makeup seems like a waste of time Trying too hard is not worth the stress

I’m not like “other girls” Shopping is boring Counting calories is too much math I sleep in instead of working out in the morning

I’m not like “other girls”  Judging men by their looks is a middle school act Stooping low is for the foolish There is nothing more intimidating than girls in packs

In the end, I’m like all “other girls” I dream of meeting my true love Doing something meaningful with my life Accomplishing everything I think of

[makingwordsright]

Fading thoughts

My thoughts fade in and out like songs on vinyl when you can hear  the clicking of the record spinning between songs, between thoughts. A quiet metronome. click, click, click.  Nowadays, my record is spinning too fast. It’s hard to keep up with the times, the thoughts, the mind.  It all blurs.  I miss the days of simple ways. When we could listen to music and ask to hear it again, clapping and laughing singing along. Music is simple, but as it progresses becomes complex. I close my eyes and listen.  click, click, click.