matak12m - Tumblr blog

[matak12m]

me: sees any person with exposed collarbones my brain, without fail: “lmao slut”

[matak12m]

I kinda wish there wasn’t such a thing around making everything “advertiser friendly“ and “safe for kids.“ I wish there wasn’t such a stigma around adult content to the point that it’s only either porn of sex scenes.

It reminds me of the prohibition in a way. alcohol wasn’t seen as socially acceptable by the public, so if you wanted to get some, the only kind that was available was hard liquor. The only adult content you can access is porn. I want wacky nsfw content, I want a tierlist of fanart based on how realistic the cocks are, I want light-hearted contests about who can last longer, I want memes and tiktoks about sex that don’t need to be sanitized. I wish for adult content that can make you feel something else other than horny.

[matak12m]

“you are all of your ages that you have ever been, you’re ages 0 - your current age, all at once.“

I think I finally understand that saying. I am the toddler who’s babysitting grandpa left without his knowledge. I am the boy who got left alone in the dark by my brother and his friend. I am the kid who was left alone in the car for an hour and got too scared and left to get help. I am the teen who’s crush led him on and nearly tore the whole friend group in half. I am the college student who’s friend abandoned them to “be a new person“. All of these things are like a trauma snowball getting bigger and bigger. I am afraid of being left alone so much because of what has happened to me. And it’s kind of comforting to look back and realise that my friend leaving me hurts so, so much, because the boy who got left in the dark is still inside, and he’s crying and lashing out. It’s a childish response, because it comes from a hurt child. A child that never got to grow past this.

[matak12m]

Bones? shaking. Thoughts? racing. Eyes? tearing up. It’s Time to Time baby!

[matak12m]

Me, holding an energy drink, after sleeping 4 hours: Mayhaps this arcane mystical potion will grant me energy that I oh so desperately need. Me, after drinking it: The energy went into my anxiety. Like always. of course.

[matak12m]

I haven’t used tumblr in a really long time, and I think I should get back to it. I don’t have any followers, whatever. I need an outlet for those random thought blurbs.

[matak12m]

PSA

avoid conforming to traditional gender norms by avoiding this common palette:

try using these palettes instead!!

[matak12m]

Unmute

[matak12m]

yeah

[matak12m]

when the world is unfair, and i feel like breaking, i wish i didnt have self control. i want to smash something so hard. take a plate and throw it on the ground.throw a glass against the wall, and see all the tiny shards scatter across the floor. I wish i did it. because then, i wouldn’t be the only thing that’s broken.

[matak12m]

Sometimes the world seems so empty. Nothing i happening, and the dreams i want to work so hard on mean nothing to me.  On days like these, I like to look at the stars. Just behind the neighbour’s house, at the very edge of town, you can see the night sky in all its glory. See the lines our ancestors have drawn between these points. Admire the moon’s phases. see the silhouettes of clouds.

Today, I noticed something i never have. The seemingly endless sources of light aren’t perfect. They flicker. To remind us they could be gone in an instant. But even so, it makes them even more beautiful. It feels comforting, in a strange way.

[matak12m]

The music box

I like to listen to the music my music box plays. I’m a real music connoisseur, you see? It has so many tunes to listen to, and I love to explore as many as i can. I could listen to the melodies for hours. It’s a hobby of mine.

I have other hobbies too, and friends to boot.I like to explore nature on my bike, some alone time never hurts. But i also love to make my friends happy, to share fun with them. I spend my time doing my hobbies, or listening to the music box.

But my friends can be grumpy, my bike broken. but the music box is always there. It’s much more convenient, you know? And when there’s nothing to do, the music box has my back.  All the cheerful melodies, melancholic symphonies, the lyrics from singers telling amazing stories. All i have to do is choose the songs that fit my mood. No matter what I choose, I'm always in my own carefree world.

And sometimes, my friends are happy, and my bike in great shape. But i’m the one that’s grumpy. The one that’s broken. And in times like these, the songs are too good to pass up. I escape.

I listen for hours, trying to patch up my holes. But the cheerful melodies go awry, and pleasant melancholy turns to sadness, to depression. My friends all call me, but i don’t answer. Being around people can be such a hassle, why should I leave my happy place for that? I listen on and on, unable to leave. Leaving takes so much effort. the music degrades, again and again, until it resembles music no more. the melodies turned to static, the voices of of singer turned monotone, carrying a tune no more.

When will it stop?

When will I stop? 

I like to listen to the music my music box plays. I’m a real music connoisseur. I’ve listened to so many songs, you see? 

It helps me. It makes me feel good. Or does it make me feel not bad? Is there a difference anymore?

 I listen to the melodies for hours. Days. Weeks. Months. It’s an escape from myself. 

It’s a hobby of mine. 

[matak12m]

The basket was empty.

And the tree, its branched filled with apples, was right there. The summer breeze, unstopping, ruffled my hair. And the sun, slowly reaching sunset hues, shined on the field of wheat around us.

I had a task before me, my hands ready to pick, the basket, ready to be filled, and the stool, ready to be stepped on. But i didn’t start. I couldn’t start. Apless were within my reach, but my head was filled with doubts. What if they aren’t ripe? what if they are spoiled? Too sour? Too sweet? 

What if I make a mistake? It will be my fault. My fault, for wanting these apples. My fault, because those apples won’t be good enough. But I had a goal, and not reaching it would be worse than completing it badly.

I take a breath, and pick an apple. 

And suddenly, my hands won’t stop. I pick all the fruit that I can get my hands on. I step on the stool, reaching for the higher, juicier fruit. soon, the basket is brimming with the most delicious apples the tree has to offer.

Who knew it was so simple? I certainly did not. The next day, I go towards another tree. Its apples swaying in the breeze. I stop, staring at the fruit.

And the cycle repeats.

[matak12m]

do you ever stumble upon a song that’s a total BANGER, but it doesn’t fit your mood right now, but goddamn you wanna listen to it sometime, so you kind of make note of it to listen to it in the future even though you will probably never get to it?

yeah... me neither...

[matak12m]

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this scene from the goes wrong show where they cast two different people as the head and hunky, semi-nude body of the same character during a live theatre production haunts my every waking moment

[matak12m]