mhactire - Tumblr blog

[mhactire]

I will sit across from you & memorise the way your hair curls at the part. // I will look up & catch myself entranced at the very idea of your existence. // Do you realise that beyond your bones, you are stardust and sundrops? // Snatched from the glee of your first laugh & supplanted into the mantle of suffering. // Will you remind me of when I first betrayed you? // I never told you, but you saved my life. // This life of mine was made to be endured alongside you.

- a.a.j // to a child nicknamed after the first thing that made them cackle (truths I tell) April 2024

[mhactire]

To have loved you was an honour — this hate is my last act of love. Goodbye, dear friend.

- a.a.j // to the owner of the empty room I refuse to enter (truths I tell) April 2024

[mhactire]

To me, it's mercy. To you, a death sentence. // Bear in mind I never meant to love you. // Things like that are easy to me — like a knife under skin, or a kiss after crying. // In a way, I am no less a fool than you were. // To be loved is, after all, to be dissected.

- a.a.j // it's not the last time I'll wash the blood out of my mouth (truths I tell) April 2024

[mhactire]

There's a groove in the wall where I've been chipping away at the brick. // My first chip was in the summer — under the balmy ceiling of a salt stained coffin. // The ground remembers the first kisses of raindrops like I remember the first red blossoms of the season. // I thought those flowers would rest on the bed loved ones would make for me in the cemetery. // Summer can't last forever but this scent reminds me of carcasses. // Of when I was an anatomical deconstruction of a child who feared the breath in their lungs. // I am still asking for mercy after all this time.

- a.a.j // metaphorical retellings of harm (truths I tell) April 2024

[mhactire]

I thought because it hurt, it was right. // I pulled my own teeth & I felt proud. // The pain was nothing in contrast to the reward. // Every time I pull a tooth, I anticipate the reward but now the blood is pooling in the absence of fullness & I do not remember a time before that.

a.a.j // I think it's gone beyond martyrdom (truths I tell) March 2024

[mhactire]

I've been thinking about you. // By that I mean, I've been thinking about knives. // By that I mean, too many people know about the summer of 2019 & the consecutive months that followed. // There is nothing that will ever hurt like those years — like you. // People are knives as much as they are bandages. // I get my blood from pricking my fingers on the images of you burnt into my eyes. // You should've never texted back in November.

- a.a.j // the haunted, the hunted (truths I tell) March 2024

[mhactire]

I want you to be okay in whatever way you need to be — even if that means I don't get to see it.

- a.a.j // please, don't waste away here (truths I tell) Feb. 2024

[mhactire]

I did. You know I did. I wanted the fucking world. But that's not how it goes; we don't get what we want. I got older — too old. I need to sleep.

- a.a.j // isn't it time to leave yet? (truths I tell) Jan 2024

[mhactire]

Of course it hurts. It's Christmas; everything hurts. Don't you remember what it was like? What we were like? We'll never be those kids again.

- a.a.j // i miss you too much this year (truths I tell) Dec. 2023

[mhactire]

I can't breathe unless I am breathing your air. I cannot sleep unless I am in your dreams. I cannot eat unless I can share it with you. I cannot laugh if you cannot hear me. I cannot be here, alone. This is going to kill me.

- a.a.j // it's torturous to want you when I cannot have you (to the forest, with love) Dec. 2023

[mhactire]

It's not like I meant to fall apart like that. I didn't mean to be vulnerable. You know how scared I am of honesty. God knows I'm trying my best. Please believe me.

- a.a.j // my expectations are going to kill me (truths I tell) Dec. 2023

[mhactire]

All things teach. I am learning, as I should be. A child staring in bewilderment, in horror. When do I get to close my eyes?

- a.a.j // it's ripping me apart, this world (truths I tell) Dec. 2023

[mhactire]

I meet your eyes in the rearview — I see myself reflected in your dirt-tone irises. What made us like this? What made me like you? Blood burns in my veins, my hands are yours & yours have harmed. Will I harm? Will I promise the same destruction you promised me? Sons carry the sins of their fathers. I fear myself.

- a.a.j // your atonement was a miracle, mine will be predictable (truths I tell) Dec. 2023

[mhactire]

To count them — the lies, I would sit for years. // Tallying until the walls are chalk black; rotting like I am inside. // It's a certain illness, a certain wrongness: I tell you what you want to hear. // I fear the wholeness of truth, the absurdity of allowing others to witness this. // Witness me, a sensitive & senseless creature — or beast. // To cut is better than to fold.

- a.a.j // what an odd little thing I am (truths I tell) Dec 2022

[mhactire]

You pretend there's nothing wrong with you. You want to take the night and sew it into your guts. The dark is the only place you feel any real peace. You pretend there's nothing wrong with you. You were supposed to be asleep by now.

- a.a.j // it's midnight blue in Cairo (truths I tell) march 2023

[mhactire]

I barely like wine. Not since I was drunken & shattered & begging to be held, to be loved in some way. I sang at the top of my weak lungs & tripped over my feet like a newborn deer. I chased it. The drunkennes was like arms, was like lips. His arms, his lips. It's desperation that drives a man to sin. It's almost like seeing a car crash in slow motion. I crashed in slow motion. I wonder if he saw. I wonder if he knew. Do I taste like wine? Or do I taste like blood? After all, the church likes to think it's the same thing.

- a.a.j // willingly poisoning myself to breathe easy (truths I tell) Feb 2023

[mhactire]

Love is not as simple as a vivisection. // You cannot take a screaming man and cleanly cut at his chest & point to where the love has sunken its teeth. // Love itself is entirely transcendental — it does not exist in a form one can examine or scrutinize. // No vivisection, no autopsy nor exhumation may tell you where in the body love may be visible to us. // Love will exist & we will exist alongside it.

- a.a.j // there exists no logical explanation for the enormity of love (truths I tell) Aug. 2022